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loving mom

Old 03-12-2009, 09:35 AM
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Question loving mom

ok, i have to admit. my 19 year old son is an addict. I didn't want to admit it, but it is true. I've tried to deny, but no longer can we continue this kind of life. I am asking for help. I have watched my beautiful, fun loving, easy-going athletic son tumble down to a scrawny, mean, angry, man. He cannot or will not hold a job, sleeps all day, and occasionally hits rock bottom. We have tried being nice, being strict, ignoring, nothing helps. We need him in Tx and i think he will agree with us, but we need to know where and how. No insurance due to him not being in school. We have cut off all finances and he has gone thru his savings. He is now broke and angry and i am scared he will do something stupid. The mood swings are horrible, we live in fear and i really cannot handle much more of this. We have been dealing with this for 1 1/2 years now. Over the holidays, we had to have committed to a 5 day acute care facility. It was a joke, and $5000 later, we are back to where we were. Financially we cannot do this. I know he has to want help, but where do we turn? I am afraid of his anger and his outbursts yet i do not want to have to throw him out. We have asked him if he is not happy at home to leave, but he will not. He disappears for days, loses his phone,2 already this year. The only thing he responds to and loves is his dog. Which we are eternally grateful for. I'm sorry, he is the youngest of 3 boys, and i really do not know how to deal with this. HE has come from such a loving home, with all benifits. What can i do???
Susan
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Old 03-12-2009, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by dslalonde View Post
and occasionally hits rock bottom.

The only thing he responds to and loves is his dog. Which we are eternally grateful for.


I'm sorry, he is the youngest of 3 boys, and i really do not know how to deal with this. HE has come from such a loving home, with all benifits. What can i do???
Susan
welcome!!!

What I've learned, when you hit 'rock bottom', you take a step back and say whoa, I can't do this anymore.

Not sure this is the case with your son, seems like everytime he falls you're there to place a pillow under his butt.

And why are you 'eternally grateful' that he loves his dog? Am willing to bet he leaves the dog regularly, and who takes care of it in his absence?

I'm not gonna be the first to say it, but what you should probably do is kick his butt to the curb, let him actually find the bottom.

Some folks will be along to suggest the correct way to word this.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:00 AM
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I agree. You cannot make him want to be clean. He has to want it for himself. I too would suggest setting limits to what you will tolerate, and if he goes beyond the limits, it's time for him to find his own way. Don't let his addiction hurt you.

I would suggest you post this in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum for more help and ideas.

Welcome!:ghug3
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:00 AM
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Buddah, you are right, everytime he falls there is a pillow under him. I am guilty as charged. And yes, he does leave the dog, but it seems to be the only thing he relates to. I only see glimpes of the son i once had. We have asked him to leave many times. We are in a new state and not many friends here. No family around and i refuse to give up on him. I want him back, I know he wants it too, but where do we go for this?? I am looking for direction. Where do we seek help?
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:05 AM
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you know, it is such a dark and terrible world to live in, this addiction world. I guess i just cannot understand this. I agree this is not my fault, but as a mom i feel like i have really failed him in some way. The guilt is excrusiating. HE acts like I owe him to continue this way of life. We are going away for the weekend. This is really killing me and i need to recoup. I am scared of what will happen to our home while we are gone, yet my husband and i need a break
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by dslalonde View Post
Buddah, you are right, everytime he falls there is a pillow under him. I am guilty as charged. And yes, he does leave the dog, but it seems to be the only thing he relates to. I only see glimpes of the son i once had. We have asked him to leave many times. We are in a new state and not many friends here. No family around and i refuse to give up on him. I want him back, I know he wants it too, but where do we go for this?? I am looking for direction. Where do we seek help?
Yellow Pages-substance abuse. If it's a question of money, the Salvation Army runs rehab facilities all over the country. It's not a question of giving up on him or not loving him. Try reposting your original in the friends and family of substance abusers forum, you can connect with other Moms there.
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:16 AM
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nice to meet you, ds. i have a 24 yr old daughter who has been struggling with alcoholism/cocaine addiction since about age 18. it's tough on parents - i understand.

have you been to any face-to-face alanon meetings? they really help my husband and i.

remember this about your son's addiction (the alanon 3 c's)

you didn't cause it.
you can't cure it.
you cannot control it.

you do have choices, though, on how you allow to affect your life.

keep reaching out - lots of parents over on the friends and family forum here, who will offer some great support to you.

take care of YOURSELF, k
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by dslalonde View Post
you know, it is such a dark and terrible world to live in, this addiction world. I guess i just cannot understand this. I agree this is not my fault, but as a mom i feel like i have really failed him in some way. The guilt is excrusiating. HE acts like I owe him to continue this way of life. We are going away for the weekend. This is really killing me and i need to recoup. I am scared of what will happen to our home while we are gone, yet my husband and i need a break
can he stay somewhere else for the weekend? we got a small safe for valuables/account info and the such and had a second set of locks put on our doors, and did not give daughter the keys. that way, we had the power to lock up our house and get away, without having to worry about her getting in/being here when we took breaks or had to be gone..it seemed harsh at the time, but the pain and fear it saved us all was the right thing to do. we could sleep at night AND didn't have to go through the heartaches of her stealing from us for dope etc.

remember - your house, your rules. protect yourselves from the ADDICTION, and don't feel guilty - it's not your son, it's the disease.

hugs, k
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:48 AM
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sailorjohn,
I need your expertise. I realize you have been there. How far will he push me.
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by dslalonde View Post
sailorjohn,
I need your expertise. I realize you have been there. How far will he push me.
Yeah, but not with my son-yet. Google 'crack reality', lots of very good info into the mindset of an active addict there.

And trust me, I'm no expert.
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:27 AM
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Welcome, dslalonde
you have gotten a lot of good advice so far..

over in the forum: Friends and Family of Substance Abuse, you will find many parents who have walked and are walking the path you are on..

I am a mother of an alcoholic daughter...
I would strongly suggest you find a Face to Face Al-Anon or Naranon meeting for you.
The guilt is a killer, but you did not cause this, you can't love him well, and its his job to fix himself, and the sooner he sees that you get that,..the sooner he will realize his life is his responsibility.
This is a heartbreaking road we travel, and not for weenies... but if you want to help, keep the focus on you and get out of the way...let him fall....
my most powerful moment as a parent of an addict, was realizing the harm I was doing by being part of the problem, and not part of the solution..
good luck and keep reading here and posting...we care..

Last edited by grateful2b; 03-12-2009 at 11:53 AM.
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:52 AM
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Susan, Welcome to SR! You have found the first step to your own recovery. First the 3 C's

You didn't cause it!
You can't control it!
You can't cure it!

I am the mom of a 30 yr old AD (addict daughter) her DOC (drug of choice)
crack. I can totally relate to everything you are feeling & have done. Until I found Nar-anon & Al-anon meetings, I felt such guilt........then I realized that I did NOT teach her to use drugs. I taught her right from wrong, how to cross the street, how to tie her shoes.......but never once did I teach her to use. I, too, would be paralyzed with fear if we were to go out of town.......then I realized that it didn't matter if we were home or gone, if she wanted to she was going to use either way. Finally, we did go out of town, and now being a smart woman, my jewellry went with me.

I was very close to having a nervous breakdown, that's when I walked into the rooms of Al-anon, then later Nar-anon. These meetings saved MY life. These meetings showed me that I was NOT alone. The meetings taught me that I had to detach. My daughters addiction/recovery is in her hands, NOT mine. I had to stop enabling, and that can be as simple as giving them a soft spot to land.

I hope that you will read the stickies at the top, and read the other posts, especially over at Friends& Family,and keep posting.

Hugs,
Chris

today, my AD has almost 4 mos clean & sober....she hit her bottom & chose on her own to begin a recovery program.
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by dslalonde View Post
How far will he push me.
He is not pushing you. It is not personal.

He is in his own, isolated, world of utter hell. It's not about you. When he acts out the symptoms of his addiction, you think it's about you. You are tormented about how you think you may have failed him. About how he needs you to reach in and pull the real him back out of the place he's in. How you are deserting him if you stop giving him a place to live, food to eat, a cell phone to use, a pet to comfort him.

But when you think that you are interacting with him on some level, you are mistaken. You are only interacting with his addiction.

Your son, the son you raised and love and remember, is lost right now. He's not available to you. You think you are reaching him, but you're not. His addiction keeps the real him isolated deep inside and held hostage. Your actions are only FEEDING his addiction.

It's hard to understand when you haven't been addicted. But imagine that your son's addiction is a person. This is what that person is saying in regards to your actions: "The woman who calls herself my mom is my ticket to continue my addiction." You are essentially ALLOWING his addiction to reign supreme. When you step away, and stop giving him money, food, clothing, shelter, etc., he will have to face the actual and real consequences of his addiction. Until he has to face those, it sounds unlikely that he'll get well.

I know it's horribly sad. It's tragic. If you can wrap your head around the idea that your son is lost to you, perhaps you can treat the addict as if he is a kind of demon holding your son hostage. When you enable him, you enable the demon - not your son. And in fact, parodoxically, cutting the demon off from your support, may make room for your son to fight his way back to the surface. You think that you are helping your son but in reality, you are helping his addiction more than him.

Think of it this way: How bad is the situation right now? Pretty severely horrible, right? Your son is unrecognizable, he's gaunt and angry, he can't hold a job, he is free-loading off of you and you fear for his life and your own safety. There appears to be little to no hope. But, for some reason, his addiction appears to be THRIVING. Somehow, he still finds a way to get whatever dope he's addicted to. He still motivates himself for that.

Now think about what would happen if you took his keys away, changed the lock, stopped feeding him and providing a cell phone, didn't allow him to get comfort from his dog, and told him that you could no longer support him and his addiction. Are things any worse? Is it possible that he might be unable to support his own addiction and forced to go without? Is it possible that he might find himself homeless and penniless and so much more miserable that he might question his addiction? I think it's possible. I think that this scenario offers at least a tiny bit of HOPE. A tiny bit of hope that he might actually hit bottom and start clawing his way back up.

Here is the ugly truth. You cannot reach in and get him. It's not a matter of how hard you try or how much you love him. That's why I say it's not personal. No amount of caring on your part is going to change his situation. He must be desperate. He has to desperately want help.

That is why making things better for him does not really help him. Because it keeps him from being truly deserate.

Comforting words seem pretty inadequate in this situation. But, I feel for you. I know you are in your own separate hell right now. I hope your son finds recovery.
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:29 PM
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Go to an Al-Anon meeting. You will find many family members of alcoholics there who will support you and give you the advice and guidance you need. God bless you and your family!
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:33 PM
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can't stop the tears

sitting here @ work, tears are streaming and i Hear what you are saying. It is so true, all of it. My worst fear is if i do desert him, and he commits suicide, i could not live with myself. I truly would die. He was our miracle child, conceived with only a piece of one ovary and much hope. He was such a joy all thru growing up, I stood in awe of him, as we travelled the country with him. Ability to adapt, make friends, and always remain true to himself. Out of my 3 sons, my admiration for him was always there. Let me just tell you a little about him and his strength and good will. He is the youngest, 10 years behind his brothers. We had the opportunity to travel around the country, keeping our home in La. and always asking him whether he wished to move to the new location or go home. He did this willingly and happily, and was a extreemly gifted athelete in Competive swimming and football. He overcame so much and yet always had a smile on his face and a strong direction. Became involved with a young woman with numerous problems. Very dark and suicidal. The relationship lasted 3 years with him constantly shouldering her faults, until the day he found her in bed with his best friend. This is the young man who sat with her thru her suicide attempts, brought her flowers every day of their relationship and helped her family deal with her.
From this day, my son has been destroyed and i have watched him spiral to what he has now become. As you say, this addiction is a true demon. One I do not know how to defeat. I just can't lose him!
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:40 PM
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(((Susan)))
I am sorry for your pain...I understand...
my only child is a walking miracle after surviving 2 cancers as a child, and has spent the last eight years trying to destroy herself...
I had to let her go if she was ever gonna come back to herself and me...
she just started therapy a couple of months ago, even tho she is still using..
Susan, there is always hope...I felt as you do right now..and it is hard, but Al-Anon and Naranon will help you work through this pain.....:ghug3
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:43 PM
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dslalonde~ I can feel your pain in your posts and it breaks my heart for you. I'm a mother as well and even though my Kids are still not even teenagers, I can imagine how hurtful it is to watch your Son go through this. All I can tell you is that he has to want this for himself, you can't want it enough for him.

But please, make sure you don't enable his behavior! If he spends his money on his addiction and can't pay something? Don't give him money. If he loses his phone because he was messed up? Don't get him a new one. In other words don't fix his mistakes for him.

I can understand your worries and I would never tell you to throw him out. I couldn't do that so I wouldn't dare suggest it. I know he has to hit bottom though and if he is still using he hasn't gotten there yet. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Family~
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:54 PM
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mle-sober, thank you.
have you been there? As a parent, spouse, or an ex addict
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:59 PM
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I cannot even express as a parent what you must be going through. Sailor John I think your comments are a little harsh. I understand the tough love approach but some compassion isn't out of line here is it? I think you have to be realistic but until you have a 19 yr old boy (I do by the way) I don't think you can understand the pressure on these kids. Best of luck with your situation. You are in my thoughts.
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Old 03-12-2009, 01:01 PM
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mle-sober,

Have you been there as a parent in this situation. I don't think you can get it unless you have...JMO
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