mle-sober

I'm curious how many of us have been able to keep our relationships in sobriety? Someone in the Friends and Family Forum posted the question, "Are there any happy endings?" and it made me wonder.

When I first found recovery, it really looked like my marriage was not going to survive. I had ruined my husband's trust in me. I had basically thrown our marriage away in order to drink. But now, after a little more than a year, I feel very hopeful. We've both worked really hard and I think we are going to be okay. We still have work to do but I think I can say that we are both committed to making it work.

I'm interested in you guys and your relationships. Are they / Did they survive you getting sober? How likely do you think it is that it's going to last or not?

CoF1984

While I can't particularly say much on this topic due to my ex-wife divorcing me for reasons other than drinking, I'd like to thank you for this thread as now it has sparked my curiousity on how many people still have their relationship since being sober and how much it has got better (Hopefully).
Wes

TTOSBT

I will be married 10 years this September. I have been sober 10 months.
I am happier than I have ever been.
That helps in my relationship.
My husband and I are in a VERY good place.
We still have our issues to work through and I have not worked Step 9 yet but I do believe that we are going to make it!
By the way, my husband is a normie and does not seem very codependent to me. Is that possible? He went to Alanon a couple of times and came home saying that everything they are teaching them to do, he already does. So he doesn't go anymore. But he does see a therapist that I asked him to see because I want him to have someone to talk to about himself and me...

ViciousCycle

I lost a 3-yr relationship due in part to my drinking......we have finally found a way to be friends and he seems much more attentive to me now that I am sober. He is the same man I first met. I think the respect is returning. I think that is key.

I am very happy for you MLE.....sometimes the good things are worth working for. Congrats to you both.

Astro

Well, without telling all of my story again I'll try to keep it short and say that the marriage I was in "pre-recovery" had been dying for a long time and ended with a bang. I never imagined I'd wake up on 2/21/05 and discover that my spouse was having an affair with a co-worker and that I'd go to my first AA meeting that afternoon. The relationship unraveled pretty quickly from there.

I tried having a relationship with another single parent in recovery, looking back it was emotionally chaotic, I'm thankful that some key people in my life finally knocked some sense in to me until I could see the dysfunction. If you look back at some of my first posts on SR, you can see what was going on at that time, it brought me to this site. I have no regrets about any relationship I've ever had, it's been a wonderful learning experience.

Just over two years ago I started a relationship with a woman that I met here on SR. It was rough and rocky for quite awhile, we broke up numerous times but kept getting back together, I guess we were destined to make this work. Let me be up front and admit that I'm the highly dysfunctional one in our relationship, I had to learn to stop running from my fears that were caused by my past failed relationships We were engaged last Fall, and two weeks ago we moved into our new home together. Will it last? Only God knows the real answer to that, but I have faith in our recovery programs and our commitment to making the relationship work.

I've posted this meditation quite a few times, and I'll do it again for the newcomers. It's my favorite reading from Language Of Letting Go about relationships.........

Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Moving On

Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More

Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.

This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.

Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.

Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.

If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.

We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.

Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.

Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.

Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.

We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.

No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.

Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Fubarcdn

As long as I stay sober we will be fine.

HideorSeek

Oh Emilie, I am SOO happy for you! I know that there have been some rough times and I am just so pleased that you two are moving forward! As for me, I think that we are going to be OK as well. Without writing a novel, sobriety has changed ME in the sense that I now have boundaries, insist on talking things out, will not put up with being dismissed, call him on being indescriminantly critical, and confront him on his "I was just JOKING" comments (you and I have touched base on this b4). I am trying very hard on my own growth: identifying my own defenses, recognizing toxic traits, letting go, improving my "inner-balance", workiing the steps, and improving my self-esteem. I have tried (and I think successfully) to explain that I NEED to make these changes, and WE need to make these changes in order for us to move forward happily. As he does not attend Alanon, he has no reason to understand this process. But I think that that is the nail on the head: It is a process when a partner is recovering and BOTH need to understand it as such. If there is true love, compassion, understanding, patience and commitment, yes, I think a relationship can not only survive, but flourish and grow.

Again, I am thrilled for you and, BTW, big time congrats on your year +

:ghug3, e

SHawk25

I am at the very beginning of a "break" with my fiance.. She had enough of my late nights and decided to call off the wedding. However she agreed not to leave me totally just yet. She needs time to find herself, and she needs me to prove that I can clean my life up. Then maybe we can stay together and build a great relationship that we had once before.

I just feel so bad how much pain I caused her having to worry about me those nights I was out til all hours. Then being hungover the days we got to spend with each other. And the money I wastefully drank away. I hate who I become, that I wasn't strong enough to realize I had a problem and beat it.. But I'm taking the first steps now.

I'm just glad that she is staying in touch with me and she isn't going to officially move out of our town house til we had some time to work on ourselves.

So right now I am praying that there will be a happy ending..

mle-sober

Thank you so MUCH!!! You really made me smile reading your post. I do remember "talking" with you over some of those early weeks and months. I'm glad you are doing well too! Wow! If I ever feel like drinking, thinking about those days really helps me. I never, ever, ever, ever want to go back to where I was. Thanks.

flutter

My marriage has never been better. We were just coasting thru life together, partying together, we were buddies. My husband said something to me recently that stung at first, he said "I miss my buddy" when I was complaining that he was going to go have a beer with his friends. I said, "no, you miss your drinking buddy, but now you have a wife". He didn't understand at first how different things are, I think he's just seen how cool it is that I'm not always drunk and hungover.. he's realized now that he never even really knew the person I could be, the bright light in me, and has seriously fallen in love with me all over. He knew it was there, that's the only reason he possibly could have stayed with me thru the sh** I put him through, and I'm so blessed that I have the opportunity to show him he was right.

coffeenut

I have wondered about this issue. My DH and I have been married foreeeeeeever! When I quit drinking, things changed drastically. Like others, he lost his drinking buddy.

A couple of months ago, he quit (!)....now the relationship changes again.

I love this man more than life itself. I think we're going to be fine...but it's still scary.

SeaHorse

I am very lucky I have a husband who does not drink. To be honest, I could not be with a drinker.

We went through some rocky times because of my drunken behavior. He has loved me unconditionally and has seen that I am serious about maintaining my sobriety.

I love being married! So happy I stopped before I lost everything, especially him!

Latte

I'm married to a normie and things are pretty good today. We've been married 13 years. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but today I'm clean, sober and alive.

Mariposa18

Thankfully my drinking didn't hurt my marriage in ways that I've seen it hurt others. I thank God everyday for that because I know what can/could've happened had I continued down that road.

We weren't drinking buddies, so that was never an issue when I quit. Hubby and I have always had an amazing connection that really is very hard for me to explain. We have been together for 14 years, he's my biggest supporter in everything I do and truly is who God put on this earth for me. Our marriage and children are most important in our lives, our love always comes first. Not only do I *love* him, I actually *like* him! lol No doubt in my mind we will make it through anything~

Gypsy Feet

time well tell. My husband of 10 years and I separated 5 years ago. I moved back in to a studio apartment in his garage a year later and we began to heal, and remembered we were friends BUT, when he drinks he gets sloppy (every friday and saturday at the time) and it grossed me out. I moved out again after a year to take care of my grand father, and back in again after a year. We were still good friends and occasionally intimate, but had no desire to re-commit because of his drinking, and the whole 5 years I have been dating here and there.
I realized my drinking was out of control December 28, 2008. A week after I quit, he did. He knows why I quit, I don't know why he did. We are very good friends and I would LOVE to be able to commit to him again BUT
I just don't feel that way right now Nor have I since maybe 6 months before we split the first time. So probably the hard times/decisions will come, but not right this minute

Theresa

I love the post/quote you shared Astro.

Re: "Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships."

This is what I had to do. It was painful to end the relationship but somehow that relationship and my drinking were wed in some weird way. I'm not blaming him for my own behavior. But he seemed to be one of my triggers, if that makes any sense.

Also "drinking" was off the table in our conversations. I needed to be able to talk to someone, and certainly to my partner, about the grief that drinking was causing me.

I have been "standing alone" for quite some time, and slowly I am regaining my inner strength. I don't feel nearly as alone as I had begun to feel in that relationship.

Thanks again for sharing this passage.

Sara9009

Exact same here. I have been married for 11 years.

TryingSoHard

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and will celebrate our 10th anniversary in June. We will make it. My situation with him sounds a lot like Mariposa's with her husband.

I've come to learn, since I quit drinking, that I caused him more harm than I realized while I was drinking... but we definitely did not experience many of the things that other couples affected by alcohol have. For that I am truly thankful, as is he.

mamabin

Things are much better for us with me sober. I felt as though he was not so sure we'd stay together right before I stopped drinking. I think he's still on guard because I've said so many times that I wouldn't drink again. But this time I've lasted longer than all the others so I think he's starting to trust me. Only time will tell. No matter what, I'm going to be fine. I know I can make it on my own if I have to, and for me, that's a good place to be.

SelfSeeking

My fiance and I have a lot of strikes against us. I live my life much differently now than when we first met... and I have gotten sober while living away from him, due to work/school stuff, so he doesn't really know me sober.

I'd feel a ton better about our chances if he'd go to Al-Anon but he says it "doesn't appeal" to him.