Someone is testing me today.............

Old 03-11-2009, 01:05 PM
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Someone is testing me today.............

Ok, as some of you know, I have had a bit of a ride the last couple weeks with my daughters unexpected surgery, my AH moved out (not a bad thing), and to top it off, I have a conference that I have been planning for over 1 year coming on Mar 26&27. It is like a wedding -- all these last minute things to do. I'm not sure why I haven't crashed but I have actually felt like I was thriving.

When I got into work this morning, a former boss of mine (who is a therapist with a private practice now in the building -- I don't work with/for her any more) said good morning and we were having a chat. The subject of divorce came up (her husbands ex was causing problems). So I told her that my AH and I had separated -- I hadn't told her yet. We worked together for over 10 years and she says I'm like her daughter (she's 75 and still working!). She has no boundaries (and she's a therapist -- scary eh?). Anyway, the first words out of her mouth was "you know, I had a client a few years ago who was having an affair with him -- she wouldn't come see me anymore because she saw you here". I was FLOORED!!! First off, that she said it at all. And then, of all the things my husband did, I did not think he was capable of that. I had asked many times and he denied it of course -- I am so hurt, humiliated and feel broken. To me, it is the ultimate lie and betrayal -- takes things to a different level.

To top it all off, my vehicle was making funny noises so I took it in to the garage because I was bent and determined not to call AH -- he can fix anything and everything and I haven't had a vehicle in a shop for at least 10 years. It's going to cost $2000 to fix. I finally had a bit of money, that was making me feel powerful and a little secure and now this!

This has been a terrible day -- I know there are bound to be those but bloody hell.

I know it serves no purpose to confront him about the "affair". I don't really care when it was, who it was, why == anything about it. I am hurt more than any lie he ever told and I need to take care of that hurt. I know he will just deny it anyway so what's the point. But I really really want him to know he didn't get away with it -- that while everybody else probably knew and didn't tell me (sure it was to spare my feelings) -- that I know now. I just want him to know that he didn't pull the wool over my eyes.

Laurie
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:19 PM
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Laurie -

I am sure that you feel like you are walking around with a cloud over your head. I have often felt that way. It would get to the point when I would say to myself, "Okay, what is next?" because I knew something else would go badly. The truth is, though, no matter what sort of pattern we feel we are experiencing, we will get through it. There is nothing that can be thrown at you that you cannot face and will not get through.

Regarding your AH's infidelity, I don't know what to say. To my knowledge, none of my exes cheated on me. I would be hurt if I found out any one of them had, especially my XABF. I hope some others who have been through that experience can offer you some encouragement.

Good luck with everything, and I am sure things will be on the upswing and soon. "The only constant is change."
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:31 PM
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Laurie,
Once long ago, I was approached by someone I trusted who then shared with me something about a loved one of mine, something that was spoken in confidence and it was bad news. It upset me to hear it, it upset me that the person told me and it upset me because it destroyed any bond of trust that I once had for the man who told me the bad news.
Having this new information did not change my course of action, didn't change or help the situation one bit-except to cause me extreme pain about something I had no control of.

These days I try my best to stop a person mid -sentence or even mid- syllable if I think their words are harmful. It's a boundary I work hard to keep. I'll admit that what your former boss did made me very angry- somewhat because it was a trigger to my own experience but mostly that a professional person violated the trust of a client.
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:24 PM
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These days I try my best to stop a person mid -sentence or even mid- syllable if I think their words are harmful. It's a boundary I work hard to keep. I'll admit that what your former boss did made me very angry- somewhat because it was a trigger to my own experience but mostly that a professional person violated the trust of a client.

I have to say that if I had of seen this coming at all, I would have stopped her. It was so quick, like she had sat on the info for years and knew there would be an opportunity to tell me. Thank you for this advice CMC -- I am going to adopt it as a boundary as well. I have had things like this come up (not quite this bad!) so that is a great way to deal with it.

With all that I have going on right now, I'm going to "bracket" the information to deal with after my conference is over. But I will be dealing with it. I'm considering reporting her to the "College of Social Workers" for breaching that client confidentiality.

i'm sure that news FELT like a fatal blow. and you were bound to have a reaction. but remember, you are always in control of how you act upon your thoughts and feelings. telling him YOU know doesn't fix or change a thing. and he can't undo it. say he's sorry, oopsie my bad. just another damn good reason why you are separated.

It did feel like a blow -- I don't know about fatal lol!! I don't care what he does -- he can't say sorry, fix or change it or undo it. You're right, IT IS another great reason to be separated. I just want him to know that I'm no fool. Is that codependent or legit?
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:36 PM
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I just want him to know that I'm no fool. Is that codependent or legit?
My two cents? You know you're no fool. Telling him serves no purpose, at least no healthy one in my opinion.

I've just got to say my jaw hit the ground when I read your post because you're right-she has zero boundaries. I'm appalled that she did that.
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:39 PM
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I want to slap the wrinkles off her face!

You are handling this well! Good on you.
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Old 03-11-2009, 03:17 PM
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What a violation. Of a "patient" also, right? I guess your HP has his reasons for wanting you to have that little bit of information. I like that you are tucking it away for later while you keep your focus on your upcoming conference (I call that compartmentalizing) and I hope you have a great time at the conference! That is what was firing you up before this news. Allow yourself to recapture that enthusiasm and completely enjoy yourself. The other stuff is just stuff, and can wait.

And sometimes it is enough that YOU know. You don't always have to share that news with anyone else, particularly your ex. I know a few things about my ex now that I didn't know before, and I haven't felt the need to share them with him or my kids. I do have a good friend I confide in; how about you? Is there someone else you can vent this to besides the ex, just to get it out of your system?
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Old 03-11-2009, 08:14 PM
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My two cents? You know you're no fool. Telling him serves no purpose, at least no healthy one in my opinion.

I've just got to say my jaw hit the ground when I read your post because you're right-she has zero boundaries. I'm appalled that she did that.


You're right Freedom -- I know I'm no fool. I am really trying to focus on the innappropriateness of this woman and not on the information itself. It's kind of like she wanted me to know that sge knew he was an ahole so now you know too. She went as far to tell me that she had always wanted to kick him in the ba***. Nice talk from a 75 year old "therapist".

I am certainly blessed to work with a wonderful "family" of sister counsellors and therapists who support me and I can tell certain things to. We are close -- more like friends/family than co workers. And yes, I do share some things with a very close "soul mate". Thank goodness for them.

I hope you have a great time at the conference! That is what was firing you up before this news. Allow yourself to recapture that enthusiasm and completely enjoy yourself.

thank you PT for reminding me that I do have great things in my life too -- and you're right -- this conference is one of them.


Right now -- I think I'm going to go to bed and have a really good cry -- it's been a bad bad day. But tomorrow is another. Thanks to everyone -- as usually you ground me and help me make decisions that are truly helping me with this thing called recovery.

Thank goodness for all of you too!
Laurie
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Old 03-11-2009, 09:03 PM
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Laurie, tears are for the soul what soap is for the body. :ghug :ghug :ghug
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