Barbara52

An interesting glimpse into the life and mind of an alcoholic known to many who watch CNN.
here

loverof1

Jack Cafferty is unbelievable. I commend him for his courage to share what was no doubt a very painful part of his life. I first learned of his addiction when his wife passed away a few months ago. His wife was much like I am today. Still here, still fighting for my lover/AH, but not blind either. I still struggle with detachment with love. I have no doubt that his wife was a master of that. She simply had to be in order to survive the hell that addiction causes. I still somewhat believe that love can conquer all. Its probably foolish, but I just have not fully given up on seeing the man I married once more.

Barbara52

What I took from this short excerpt of his book, was him saying that it was he alone who finally decided to get sober, that he knew he was putting his family thru hell but jsut didn't care. That is why I posted it since it emphasizes yet again that no one can do it for the alcoholic.

Interesting that you saw it as being his wife who somehow did it for him or at least helped him find sobriety.

Blondie

So true Barbara. That is what I got out of the article too. Also, it sounds like no matter what his wife did (fight back, yell, etc) it had no effect because he didn't care, just like what we have all been through or are going through now.

loverof1

Apparently I'm very poor at communicating. What I was trying to say was that his wife was somehow able to stand by her man even though it had gotten really rough. In the end he did sober up on his own and by the grace of God he had not yet lost her. I'm not saying that my marriage will make it.

GiveLove

I have seen a woman "stand by her man" even after having her husband drain their savings, cause a foreclosure, abuse their kids, and break her jaw.

And he was still an alcoholic.

I stand by people who stand by me. Period.

No offense, but imho Tammy Wynette had it all wrong on that one (god rest her troubled soul).

LaTeeDa

What I got from this piece was simply that he happened to hit bottom before his wife did. I'm sure there's a lot more to the story than can be written in a few short paragraphs. And while he praises his wife for sticking with him, he must have had some inkling that she would not for much longer, or as he journalistically put it, the writing was on the wall.

It happens sometimes that the alcoholic hits bottom before the codie has enough. A lot of times, it doesn't.

L

loverof1

I completely agree with all of you. My sister has said that we are strong, but most of all stubborn. Stubborn is exactly what I am. We talked at length about my life as well as hers. Some of the demons I struggle with is that when I married my AH at 17, no one thought we would make it. That we would not love each other or be together in the future. I have been hell bent that we would not become a statistic. I promised my heart to him for life and for many many years I could see us growing old together. I struggle with the feelings of failure...that I simply did not do enough (even though I know I have done all that I can). I'm sickened by the fact that there is nothing that I can do for him and with that comes the anger that not only is my dreams of loving my man forever are coming to an end, but that he is ok with that. I somewhat wish that he would just hit me or do something that would allow me to hate him for all that he has done. That somehow if I could just get angry enough to get out life would be much easier. Its kind of hard to explain, but I go through these highs and lows...high when he is sober and low when he is on a binge. We have so much fun and I can see in his eyes that there is still love there, but as soon as he picks up that drink everything changes. blah blah blah. Its the same story everywhere. Carol Cafferty must have been one heck of a woman...most likely a better woman than I. I have so many feelings rumbling around in my head that I cannot make sense of everything that has happened. Sometimes I think I have the answer...and other times I have not got a clue. I love to deeply, too much. None of this probably makes sense to anyone else, but they are real issues that I'm trying to deal with. How long will it take me? I don't know.

timetogo

Carol Cafferty must have been one heck of a woman...most likely a better woman than I.

I just simply think that she hadn't quite reached her bottom yet......like LTD said, he reached his before she reached hers. IMHO That doesn't make her a better woman than anyone. Don't beat yourself up loverof1 that you haven't made the move to leave a very long marriage. You are doing things to help you understand yourself better (like coming here) and those are steps on the road to being healthy WHETHER YOU STAY WITH THE ALCOHOLIC OR NOT.

Thank you for this clip Barbara -- it is comforting for me to know that one of the traits of addiction is that they don't care about anything but the DOC. It takes the onus off the fact that "it's not me" and helps me with any of the guilty feelings like, "I should have done more". I couldn't do ANY THING MORE than I already had done.

I truly do wish my AH had reached his bottom before I reached mine. But that wasn't the case -- at least, separated, I don't have to bear witness to his bottom.

Thanks again
laurie

Mambo Queen

I think this is the line that some of us less-healthy codies may have trouble with. It makes us think...maybe if I stay, one day my A will be so grateful for me for doing so, and if I leave, I may be dooming him to succomb to his addiction forever. I'm not saying that's a healthy interpretation of the line, but it did cross my mind when I read it, and I'm in the process of divorcing my AH.

Barbara52

I for one am grateful I didn't stay, waiting enlessly for my xAH to find his bottom. I'd still be waiting and my life does not deserve to be put on hold waiting for him to get his act together. Some do stay and sometimes it ends well. But staying in hell is not necessarily an admirable trait.

guiab

Barbara,
Thanks for the article. My father was a highly functioning, and highly abusive, alcoholic, and this article made me feel like I understand my dad just a little better. You can see the how such a strong will becomes ensnared by addiction and turned into an excuse&denial generating machine, plus buckets of anger.

This is just my opinion, but it didn't matter whether she stayed with him or not.
No difference at all.
He hit his bottom when he hit his bottom, and her presence had nothing to do with it. I believe that the thing that turns an alcoholic around (more than once if there is a relapse) is the moment when the mirror says 'I can't live my life like this anymore'. I really don't think the words 'I can't do this to my family anymore' make the recovery happen.
I applaud his recovery. But is is his recovery, not hers.

LaTeeDa

I guess that makes sense, if YOUR life is all about him. I am so grateful I started living my life for me and allowing him to live his life how he sees fit. If that is "dooming" him, then so be it. But, I just don't fancy myself to be all that powerful.

L

MissFixit

Mambo,

I too felt that way. He found an enabler and we are no longer together.

He never has spoken of or admitted (except when he wanted something from me) the benefit of anything I did for him. He only thinks about himself. In the short "recovery" periods he had, he patted himself on the bakc for how strong and determined he was. He gave himself full credit.

He is again an active A and I am the reason nothing worked for us. Everything is my fault despite his love for me...he says this BS even now while he is engaged to another woman.

You will likely not receive credit, if that is what you want. His life is about HIM.