ellima01

AH is now in rehab- left Mon. night- drunk as h*ll when I put him on the plane to go there. It was awful- but I was so thankful he was going.
Tue. night I was on the internet buying new cell phone- email confirmation went to AH email ,which is right on our main page. When I opened the inbox to get the #, I saw a site that had the name of his Ex-GF on it- so I opened it- turns out he has been searching foe her online- the date on the search was 9/08. I am so upset- been sick all night- I have doubted lots of things but never his fidelity.
I have to say something to him about it- it is eating me alive- I know he is in rehab (he calls daily) but I can't not say something. I don't know if he contacted her or not- but he was still looking for her. God- I can't live with the thought of him cheating- (true- I don't know that it is that) but it is such a betrayal anyway. any advise to me?

MissFixit

He just got to rehab. Wait a day or week, so you don't act/say things in an emotional state. Write your thoughts/pain down on paper, not a computer you share with him. You need to process as you JUST found out.

My Dad talked me down from confronting my ex and the OW at a hotel in Dad's neighborhood 4-5 days after I found out he cheated on me. I was LIVID and ready to act. Dad told me to get the hell out of there and come pick him up. Although, I never got the instant satisfaction of screaming at them, I cried privately and HE never saw it. Now, I am greatful for that.

naive

hi

why not get the facts? my ABF cheated on me. i trusted him until then, respected his privacy. once he started lying and cheating, i did my research. i had no moral struggle finding other woman's phone number and checking our phone bill for it. i found evidence which proved he was continuing to lie to me.

months later and back in love, reconciled, we had a fight. i then found her phone number written down in his coat pocket. i was glad that i too had written it down, so i could know the truth of the situation.

i'm not saying that your man is like my man, but alcoholics tend to lie and if i recall correctly, your man is also on crack. from what i've read about crack addiction, promiscuity comes along with the drug.

there are many reasons to not discuss with AH, one of them being he has enough on his plate. plus, you don't have all the facts yet. better to get your facts and be armed with that information before you confront him about your discovery.

i got a lot of good counsel about infidelity at survivinginfidelity.com

blessed4x

I just saw my counselor and the advice she gave me for my situation seems to fit here as well. She said the codependent in us REACTS......has a panic led desire to reach outside of ourselves and get info, fix the problem, gotta do something and do it NOW. We horriblize (is that a word?) all of the things that might be going on and all of the what ifs and then whats.

Her advice was to bring it back to me. What am I feeling? Am I fearful, sad, angry, hurt.....all of those things? Take a deep breath, and sometimes in this moment INACTION is the best action. Your AH is at rehab. Not a thing you say or do will change the events of what really happened. You have time to process this and approach it from a calm, quiet place that you won't later look at and wish you had handled things differently. It may be that you confront him, or maybe you need to be watchful for other signs of infidelity to surface. You will know when and what needs to be done when you know.

Just my 2 cents....and I can completely relate because I've got the same thing going on at my house and it stinks. And I so want to REACT. (((hugs)))

lovtolaff

I was there once too. I thought he loved me too much to cheat on me but I was wrong. My x was also a crack user and I didn't want to believe all of the stories that I read here and other sites talking about how crack users are prone to sexually deviant behavior....well believe it. It's disgusting. And ya know what is sad - is that the way my x thinks - I'm sure in his pea brained little mind that "a crack f*ck doesn't count" in his book. Yuck. Oh and he used to be so loud and proud about "i've never cheated on you and i never would" - it was all just part of the quacking. He might not have thought he ever would - but when he had the perfect opportunity thinking that there was NO WAY I would find out - he did it - and yeah it was a crack filled night for him that night too. Thank God a weird gut feeling lead me to bust him and find out the real truth.

I'm sorry and I know the hurt that comes with this betrayal. He crushed my soul with that event.

Barbara52

What would be your motivation is confronting him now and what will you get out of doing it? Find these answers for yourself and then decide what to do.

ellima01

he calls daily- how do I talk to him and pretend I'm ok when these doubts are in my head? I don't know how NOT to say anything. True- I just want to react, Idon't know what I would get out of asking him about it- maybe I just want something to make me feel better- maybe he would tell the truth- maybe not who knows- but I feel like I need to know truth here.
I do not know how to get ahold of this chick- he was searching her on the web- I never saw anything that gave evidence he found her.

Barbara52

OK Let play pretend a little.

You talk and ask him about your suspicion that he had an affair. He denies it.

Does that make you feel better? Do you believe him or your gut?

You talk and ask him about your suspicion that he had an affair. He admits it.

Does that make you feel better? What do you do with that informaiton?

MissFixit

Quick change of subject. If he is in rehab, should he be calling you everyday or should you be talking with him everyday?

I ask this as when L was in rehab I talked to him each night and moment when he had free time. I missed him horribly and he cried and apologized and told me that he loved and missed me. I sent him weekly care packages. His friends there laughed and said that it was more like he was away at summer camp for a month.

In retrospect, I should have keep space between us and not talked to him whenever he called. He was scared and lonely, but he needed to walk that road alone. As I "felt badly" for him and I missed him too, I gave in and enabled his obsessive behavior. We treated rehab like sleep away "camp." Probably not a good idea. He was secretly drinking within a few weeks of returning home and I NEVER knew for about 8 months...

ellima01

I figure whether i talk to him or not- it is still all about what he is willing to do. If he wants to work it- he will- if not- well, you know. Funny you should say "off at camp" his rehab is on a beach (I have't had a vacation in 6 years) and he is on a beach- makes me a little miffed.
I don't know if I will approach this subject with him or not- I know I have to do something- my belly is in knots. I will decide soon enough- thanks everyone