I've been needing some shoulders...
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
I've been needing some shoulders...
Hi guys...
It has been a few weeks since I've even participated on the boards. I really missed you guys, but the summer has found me busy. And to tell you the truth, I have needed a few friends to talk to... I just have not been able to recognize exactly WHAT is wrong.
My mother was here visiting from Australia last week. In the past I have dreaded her visits, as I was still so angry with her - I felt rejected and deserted and "not good enough" when she was around. I must have done a lot of growing since the last time I saw her tho (3 years ago). This time, I was looking forward to seeing her... we spent some great time together. When she left, I simply said "goodbye", tho my heart wanted to say so much more; I cried for a couple of hours after she left. My mom and I have talked about the "whys and hows" of her leaving us years ago - I think I have made some progress in the forgivness department. And after she left, I realized how much alike my mom and I are... I am beginning to yearn for her companionship.
Things on the homefront are "so-so". My husband reaches 4 months sobriety on this coming Sunday
. Though he is staying sober, he is struggling to maintain a sense of peace and harmony in his life. It seems it was a lot easier in the beginning couple of months. There are times where G is the typical "dry drunk"... I could almost swear that not much has changed - except that he isn't drinking / using. And he is sooo consumed with himself and his "problems", that he is short tempered, arogant, and unable to give of himself to others - it is rather frustrating. We had a "talk" the other night (which was good 
), and after listening to his lengthy list of NEEDS and WANTS, I told him what I was craving. I said that I wanted one thing... I wanted him to recognize my feelings - I want to feel validated. Like "hello!" I exist as well!! I got the sense thar he had no idea HOW to go about recognizing anything in me... He has been addicted and consumed with himself and alcohol for so many years, he is clueless as to how to "give" to others.
Anyhow...
I didn't mean to ramble so long... I missed you guys. Just wanted to check in.
Meg
It has been a few weeks since I've even participated on the boards. I really missed you guys, but the summer has found me busy. And to tell you the truth, I have needed a few friends to talk to... I just have not been able to recognize exactly WHAT is wrong.
My mother was here visiting from Australia last week. In the past I have dreaded her visits, as I was still so angry with her - I felt rejected and deserted and "not good enough" when she was around. I must have done a lot of growing since the last time I saw her tho (3 years ago). This time, I was looking forward to seeing her... we spent some great time together. When she left, I simply said "goodbye", tho my heart wanted to say so much more; I cried for a couple of hours after she left. My mom and I have talked about the "whys and hows" of her leaving us years ago - I think I have made some progress in the forgivness department. And after she left, I realized how much alike my mom and I are... I am beginning to yearn for her companionship.
Things on the homefront are "so-so". My husband reaches 4 months sobriety on this coming Sunday
. Though he is staying sober, he is struggling to maintain a sense of peace and harmony in his life. It seems it was a lot easier in the beginning couple of months. There are times where G is the typical "dry drunk"... I could almost swear that not much has changed - except that he isn't drinking / using. And he is sooo consumed with himself and his "problems", that he is short tempered, arogant, and unable to give of himself to others - it is rather frustrating. We had a "talk" the other night (which was good ), and after listening to his lengthy list of NEEDS and WANTS, I told him what I was craving. I said that I wanted one thing... I wanted him to recognize my feelings - I want to feel validated. Like "hello!" I exist as well!! I got the sense thar he had no idea HOW to go about recognizing anything in me... He has been addicted and consumed with himself and alcohol for so many years, he is clueless as to how to "give" to others.Anyhow...
I didn't mean to ramble so long... I missed you guys. Just wanted to check in.
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Meg -
Glad you are back! I have been wondering how you were doing. I am so glad that you were able to spend some "good" time with your mom. I'll bet it was really nice recognizing the growth that you have achieved and starting to forgive her. That will take a huge load off your shoulders and start making you feel alot better about life in general.
Glad your hubby has made it to 4 months even though I know they haven't been easy months. One day at a time, right? It has to be so hard with him being unable to recognize that your needs and feelings matter as well.
You know that your friends here are always ready to listen. Keep us posted and take care of yourself.
Jo
Glad you are back! I have been wondering how you were doing. I am so glad that you were able to spend some "good" time with your mom. I'll bet it was really nice recognizing the growth that you have achieved and starting to forgive her. That will take a huge load off your shoulders and start making you feel alot better about life in general.
Glad your hubby has made it to 4 months even though I know they haven't been easy months. One day at a time, right? It has to be so hard with him being unable to recognize that your needs and feelings matter as well.
You know that your friends here are always ready to listen. Keep us posted and take care of yourself.
Jo
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Meg,
Gosh it is good to hear from you! This would be a good time to try to meet your own needs. Be good to yourself...if you have a great book on the nightstand who cares if he is in a foul mood. If you have a meeting to attend or dinner with a friend planned he can be as self absorbed as he wants and you won't have to watch.
In his defense, what he is doing is very hard...and so is what you are doing. Take care of you and let him take care of him.
Hugs,
JT
Gosh it is good to hear from you! This would be a good time to try to meet your own needs. Be good to yourself...if you have a great book on the nightstand who cares if he is in a foul mood. If you have a meeting to attend or dinner with a friend planned he can be as self absorbed as he wants and you won't have to watch.
In his defense, what he is doing is very hard...and so is what you are doing. Take care of you and let him take care of him.
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
****{Meg}}}
I can't add anything to the wise words above, but I did want to give you a welcome back hug and tell you I missed you.
You may feel frustrated, but I can see a lot of growth in your recovery and you should feel proud of yourself for that.
Hugs and both shoulders
Ann
I can't add anything to the wise words above, but I did want to give you a welcome back hug and tell you I missed you.
You may feel frustrated, but I can see a lot of growth in your recovery and you should feel proud of yourself for that.
Hugs and both shoulders
Ann
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Meg - good to hear from you!
I'm glad you and your mom had a nice visit. One of the best gifts of recovery is being able to heal relationships with family and friends. I'm so glad you're moving forward in your relationship with her.
As for hubby, he's coming out of that fog and living life sober - not an easy thing to do and he's dealing with a lot of different emotions. Just remember it's HIS stuff - so let HIM deal with it and don't take it personal that he still can't be as giving to your relationship as you would like. Meanwhile, you keep taking care of and focusing on you.
Hugs,
JG
I'm glad you and your mom had a nice visit. One of the best gifts of recovery is being able to heal relationships with family and friends. I'm so glad you're moving forward in your relationship with her.
As for hubby, he's coming out of that fog and living life sober - not an easy thing to do and he's dealing with a lot of different emotions. Just remember it's HIS stuff - so let HIM deal with it and don't take it personal that he still can't be as giving to your relationship as you would like. Meanwhile, you keep taking care of and focusing on you.
Hugs,
JG
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi guys,
Thanks for the warm welcome ... I DO feel like I've come home again.
Man, it seems so easy to say that my husband is struggling right now; that he is "coming out of a fog"; that he is attempting such a difficult journey. I KNOW it is true, but trying to NOT take things personally is easier said than done. I suppose because he and I came together at a time when neither of us were as "wise" as we are beginning to be, it makes it hard now to maintain the relationship. We are both growing and changing... we are not the same people.
When I think back, G was never the "giving" type. He put on a good show; doled out the "charm" when necessary, but was never caring and concerned for other people. Now, deep inside, G IS very generous... generousity just never had a purpose in his life; he never got what he needed from others by GIVING to them. He had to live a selfish, self-motivated life in order to maintain the disease. And now, when I am asking him to think of me, to recognize and validate MY feelings etc., he is speechless and actionless. He simply has no tools to work with.
It is a tough situation I suppose. I have to admit that I feel used and worthless sometimes; HE gets what he needs from me, and I am left empty. I am trying to turn things over, and let go of the feelings... It just makes me sad.
I will take your advice for now guys, as I am at a loss. I will continue to go to my meetings, and perhaps pick up the phone and call my sponser.
Again, thanks for the "welcome home"
Take care
Meg
Thanks for the warm welcome
... I DO feel like I've come home again.Man, it seems so easy to say that my husband is struggling right now; that he is "coming out of a fog"; that he is attempting such a difficult journey. I KNOW it is true, but trying to NOT take things personally is easier said than done. I suppose because he and I came together at a time when neither of us were as "wise" as we are beginning to be, it makes it hard now to maintain the relationship. We are both growing and changing... we are not the same people.
When I think back, G was never the "giving" type. He put on a good show; doled out the "charm" when necessary, but was never caring and concerned for other people. Now, deep inside, G IS very generous... generousity just never had a purpose in his life; he never got what he needed from others by GIVING to them. He had to live a selfish, self-motivated life in order to maintain the disease. And now, when I am asking him to think of me, to recognize and validate MY feelings etc., he is speechless and actionless. He simply has no tools to work with.
It is a tough situation I suppose. I have to admit that I feel used and worthless sometimes; HE gets what he needs from me, and I am left empty. I am trying to turn things over, and let go of the feelings... It just makes me sad.
I will take your advice for now guys, as I am at a loss. I will continue to go to my meetings, and perhaps pick up the phone and call my sponser.
Again, thanks for the "welcome home"
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
OMG, do I relate! It's as if my husband completely missed the chapter "noticing what others are feeling". He's 15 months straight and still is in a fog of self-centered behavior---or so I've thought. I've finally come to the conclusion that he doesn't even REALIZE that the world doesn't revolve around him and that other people have wants and needs equally as important as his.
Personally I've given up on his ever noticing on his own, and I am working hard at TELLING him exactly what I expect. It isn't easy for me to state loudly and clearly that I don't expect to always be the one to sit through a two hour soccer practice. And it's even harder for me to not be a martyr and do it when he is irritated that it is his night to go---but I'm working on it and (I think) he's starting to get used to the idea that I have a right to expect a lot more than he has been willing to ante up. Not perfection, but progress.
Personally I've given up on his ever noticing on his own, and I am working hard at TELLING him exactly what I expect. It isn't easy for me to state loudly and clearly that I don't expect to always be the one to sit through a two hour soccer practice. And it's even harder for me to not be a martyr and do it when he is irritated that it is his night to go---but I'm working on it and (I think) he's starting to get used to the idea that I have a right to expect a lot more than he has been willing to ante up. Not perfection, but progress.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Meg!
I thought I was going to have to post a letter with the title:
MEG--WHERE ARE YOU? But I held back, figuring you are just as busy as I am with summer here. Don't you wonder why we can't wait for school to be out so we can "relax" with our kids, and we find ourselves busier than when they are in school?!? School starts the 25th here, so summer is nearly over!
I've been wondering how you were doing--kept you in my prayers. I'm so glad you had a nice time with your mother. I once told my nephew when he was having a hard time with his parents, that not every parent is capable of being a good parent. They may be lacking in some way as a person (aren't we all), like perhaps they just aren't very good at loving other people. But that doesn't mean it is a flaw in OUR character. It doesn't mean we are unlovable. It just means the other person may not be able to love us the way we deserve. It's not our fault. I hope it helped him.
You have grown so much--even since I've known ya! And I really missed you!
Hugs,
Lyn
I thought I was going to have to post a letter with the title:
MEG--WHERE ARE YOU? But I held back, figuring you are just as busy as I am with summer here. Don't you wonder why we can't wait for school to be out so we can "relax" with our kids, and we find ourselves busier than when they are in school?!? School starts the 25th here, so summer is nearly over!
I've been wondering how you were doing--kept you in my prayers. I'm so glad you had a nice time with your mother. I once told my nephew when he was having a hard time with his parents, that not every parent is capable of being a good parent. They may be lacking in some way as a person (aren't we all), like perhaps they just aren't very good at loving other people. But that doesn't mean it is a flaw in OUR character. It doesn't mean we are unlovable. It just means the other person may not be able to love us the way we deserve. It's not our fault. I hope it helped him.
You have grown so much--even since I've known ya!
And I really missed you!Hugs,
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
WECOME HOME MEG!!!!
Oh I don't know how you do it.....my Mom lived in Texas for a while when my 1st and 2nd were born and I thought I would go nuts......we have become very close in my older age. I am glad that you have made that connection with your Mom....how wonderful for the both of you!
Summer is always hectic!!!! We started back to school a week ago Monday and I am not even sure which way is up!!
I am sorry that things haven't really changed with your hubby since the last time we heard from you......wish I had some wonderful advice, but I don't!
Glad your back, we missed you, Constant
Oh I don't know how you do it.....my Mom lived in Texas for a while when my 1st and 2nd were born and I thought I would go nuts......we have become very close in my older age. I am glad that you have made that connection with your Mom....how wonderful for the both of you!
Summer is always hectic!!!! We started back to school a week ago Monday and I am not even sure which way is up!!
I am sorry that things haven't really changed with your hubby since the last time we heard from you......wish I had some wonderful advice, but I don't!
Glad your back, we missed you, Constant
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi again guys,
Hi Lyn and Constant! I missed u 2
I went to a meeting last night, and brought up the topic of my husband and his "self-centeredness"; about how little "giving" he does to me... and boy did I get an earful!
If u get a chance guys, read the January 2nd entry in "Courage to Change" - I think it was written for me.
My friends at my meeting reminded me that having expectations where my A is concerned will just set me up for dissapointment - He has been / is incapable of recognizing others feelings, and acting out of concern for them... for so many years G has only been able to look after himself. Have you heard of this cycle? The A feels pain, so he drinks; then he feels remorse / shame / guilt, so he drinks again... and the cycle goes round and round. The A only has the time and energy to worry about his own issues... and so is the case even while G is recovering
Anyhow, I am always learning - and I am beginning to see how STRONG I need to be to stay on this path of mine; NOT veering off to wallow in my self-pity, and NOT veering off the other way to walk thru HIS crap. Geesh...
Anyhow,
Love u guys
Meg
Hi Lyn and Constant! I missed u 2
I went to a meeting last night, and brought up the topic of my husband and his "self-centeredness"; about how little "giving" he does to me... and boy did I get an earful!
If u get a chance guys, read the January 2nd entry in "Courage to Change" - I think it was written for me.
My friends at my meeting reminded me that having expectations where my A is concerned will just set me up for dissapointment - He has been / is incapable of recognizing others feelings, and acting out of concern for them... for so many years G has only been able to look after himself. Have you heard of this cycle? The A feels pain, so he drinks; then he feels remorse / shame / guilt, so he drinks again... and the cycle goes round and round. The A only has the time and energy to worry about his own issues... and so is the case even while G is recovering
Anyhow, I am always learning - and I am beginning to see how STRONG I need to be to stay on this path of mine; NOT veering off to wallow in my self-pity, and NOT veering off the other way to walk thru HIS crap. Geesh...
Anyhow,
Love u guys
Meg
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Meg,
So...like I said up above. Meet your own needs and don't EXPECT him to do it. Really that is such a gift to your relationship long term. At the very least...when he does do something nice you really do see it and appreciate it.
Put your focus on nurturing yourself...get the good book, buy the bubblebath, make the dinner date with a girlfriend, rent the movie you want to see. It is not selfish at all...and in my case when I stopped "needing" him he started being there more. Go figure...
Hugs,
JT
Hugs,
JT
So...like I said up above. Meet your own needs and don't EXPECT him to do it. Really that is such a gift to your relationship long term. At the very least...when he does do something nice you really do see it and appreciate it.
Put your focus on nurturing yourself...get the good book, buy the bubblebath, make the dinner date with a girlfriend, rent the movie you want to see. It is not selfish at all...and in my case when I stopped "needing" him he started being there more. Go figure...
Hugs,
JT
Hugs,
JT
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
(((((((((Meg))))))))))
I recently realized, oh, by having a brick thrown against my head, that I can't expect anyone else to fill my needs for me. I have to do it for myself. I have to stop looking at others to validate my feelings, especially my husband and parents. I have to stop expecting others to fill the void I've always had in me. I have to stop expecting others to put me first.
Instead, all of those things I have to start doing for myself - validate my own feelings, stop seeking approval from others, and start being self-centered. I need to put myself above everyone else, and I shouldn't be angry if someone places their own needs above mine.
So, I've started doing these things and already I see results. As JT said, when you stop needing others, they start being around more. But that's not the reason to do it. The reason is because you are and should always be your number one concern. What others say or do just doesn't matter, as long as you're ok with you.
More hugs,
JG
I recently realized, oh, by having a brick thrown against my head, that I can't expect anyone else to fill my needs for me. I have to do it for myself. I have to stop looking at others to validate my feelings, especially my husband and parents. I have to stop expecting others to fill the void I've always had in me. I have to stop expecting others to put me first.
Instead, all of those things I have to start doing for myself - validate my own feelings, stop seeking approval from others, and start being self-centered. I need to put myself above everyone else, and I shouldn't be angry if someone places their own needs above mine.
So, I've started doing these things and already I see results. As JT said, when you stop needing others, they start being around more. But that's not the reason to do it. The reason is because you are and should always be your number one concern. What others say or do just doesn't matter, as long as you're ok with you.
More hugs,
JG
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thanks JT... Gee, why didn't I listen the first time The wisdom of all of you who have "been there" is quite simply inspirational, thanks. (Sometimes it takes a meeting to have the bricks actually make contact with my head.)
Oh, and yes JG, you are soooo right - gosh darnnit! I have to laugh, because just like when I went to my first meeting, I was convinced I was in control... I COULD change him! And even now, without realizing it, I go to a meeting convinced I was being wronged... when in fact I was cheating myself.
The part that makes me sad is that this is a lot harder than I thought. When I first began my recovery, I was all gung-ho and invincible. "I am MEGAN, hear me roar!"... but, alas, the struggles continue day to day, the issues overwhelm me, and I have to fight to remain standing at times. I don't know what I thought... perhaps that I "get it" now, I'm CURED. Ha! not quite...
With you guys, and my meetings, my friends and my sponser, I'll keep balancing on one foot... until I feel sturdy enough to plant them both.
Take care
Meg
The wisdom of all of you who have "been there" is quite simply inspirational, thanks. (Sometimes it takes a meeting to have the bricks actually make contact with my head.)Oh, and yes JG, you are soooo right - gosh darnnit! I have to laugh, because just like when I went to my first meeting, I was convinced I was in control... I COULD change him! And even now, without realizing it, I go to a meeting convinced I was being wronged... when in fact I was cheating myself.
The part that makes me sad is that this is a lot harder than I thought. When I first began my recovery, I was all gung-ho and invincible. "I am MEGAN, hear me roar!"... but, alas, the struggles continue day to day, the issues overwhelm me, and I have to fight to remain standing at times. I don't know what I thought... perhaps that I "get it" now, I'm CURED. Ha! not quite...
With you guys, and my meetings, my friends and my sponser, I'll keep balancing on one foot... until I feel sturdy enough to plant them both.
Take care
Meg
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Meg,
The key here is that your don't have to fight the big fight. That is HP's job. All you really have to do is take care of you. When you are truely doing that you won't notice G's crap as much. And believe me...when you stop "needing" him...he will notice.
I have been married to Ward for 22 years this week...I never had his respect. Now that I don't care if I have it...I have it. Men??? Maybe. A's??? Who knows.
You are right there Meg...on the edge of a lightbulb moment. I would love to see you shine!!
Hugs,
JT
The key here is that your don't have to fight the big fight. That is HP's job. All you really have to do is take care of you. When you are truely doing that you won't notice G's crap as much. And believe me...when you stop "needing" him...he will notice.
I have been married to Ward for 22 years this week...I never had his respect. Now that I don't care if I have it...I have it. Men??? Maybe. A's??? Who knows.
You are right there Meg...on the edge of a lightbulb moment. I would love to see you shine!!
Hugs,
JT
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Awwwww, thanks JT . Coming from you, the encouragement is inspirational.
I think it will take some time to realize that I don't have to walk around with my hands in a fist; cuz it DOES feel like I am always EXPECTING a fight.
Meg
I think it will take some time to realize that I don't have to walk around with my hands in a fist; cuz it DOES feel like I am always EXPECTING a fight.
Meg
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