Decision time--listening to HP
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Decision time--listening to HP
Well, I did end up seeing AH at his AA meeting today. He goes to the same place I go for Al-Anon. I wasn't in the meeting itself, but was outside when he walked up with another man, who he introduced as his sponsor. AH said he had a day of sobriety and that his sponsor runs a treatment center and is helping him detox on his own since he can't afford rehab.
We talked privately for a while. He basically took responsibility for everything, the drinking, irrational behavior, name calling, put-downs, even going out and getting that amphetamine from the doctor, which he admitted to me that he had been snorting towards the end. He took the bottle of pills out of his pocket and handed them to me, saying he was done with them for good. He told me that he was going to make this change in his life regardless of whether I came back or not, but that he did want me to come back.
Yes, he said all the right things, and if it wasn't genuine it was a pretty good show. And the truth is, I wanted to go back right then and there, but I didn't. I'm learning not to make decisions based on impulse or fear, but to stop for a while and listen to my HP. That is what I told him. Yes, there is a time issue with the place we rent, but it doesn't have to be decided right this second, and I'm not going to do it.
I love my husband and want a life with him--a healthy life. I didn't think such a thing was possible, and I'm afraid to have even a tiny bit of hope after only one day. There are two Al-Anon meetings tomorrow, and I think I'm going to go to both of them and ask for guidance, maybe do some reading as well. I'm also here at SR for guidance and, of course, support.
This is truly a first for me, not jumping impulsively into something based on my desire at the time. I'm really trying to listen to the messages out there. I still have my own work to do and won't let anything get in the way of that.
We talked privately for a while. He basically took responsibility for everything, the drinking, irrational behavior, name calling, put-downs, even going out and getting that amphetamine from the doctor, which he admitted to me that he had been snorting towards the end. He took the bottle of pills out of his pocket and handed them to me, saying he was done with them for good. He told me that he was going to make this change in his life regardless of whether I came back or not, but that he did want me to come back.
Yes, he said all the right things, and if it wasn't genuine it was a pretty good show. And the truth is, I wanted to go back right then and there, but I didn't. I'm learning not to make decisions based on impulse or fear, but to stop for a while and listen to my HP. That is what I told him. Yes, there is a time issue with the place we rent, but it doesn't have to be decided right this second, and I'm not going to do it.
I love my husband and want a life with him--a healthy life. I didn't think such a thing was possible, and I'm afraid to have even a tiny bit of hope after only one day. There are two Al-Anon meetings tomorrow, and I think I'm going to go to both of them and ask for guidance, maybe do some reading as well. I'm also here at SR for guidance and, of course, support.
This is truly a first for me, not jumping impulsively into something based on my desire at the time. I'm really trying to listen to the messages out there. I still have my own work to do and won't let anything get in the way of that.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Glenna, good for you for sticking to your gut feelings and holding off on decisions. It's a volatile time and I'm sure answers will become clearer as time goes on and you will see if he is serious. And you continue working on your own recovery- you never know how that subtly changes you regardless of what he's doing. I've been in a separate bedroom from AH since January, and he has been in AA since, and there have been moments where I just want to tell him to come back to my room, and I too have held off. It may feel bad initially but once the moment has passed and I've gained my clarity, I know I'm still not ready. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Glenna, you just keep knocking me over with your reliance on your HP! :ghug
I can appreciate how extremely difficult it is to not react impulsively. Gal, your growth is incredible, and I got goosebumps just reading your post. Sometimes my HP works through the people around me, and my spiritual battery was a little low until I read your post today.
Thank you for sharing, Glenna. :ghug
I can appreciate how extremely difficult it is to not react impulsively. Gal, your growth is incredible, and I got goosebumps just reading your post. Sometimes my HP works through the people around me, and my spiritual battery was a little low until I read your post today.
Thank you for sharing, Glenna. :ghug
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
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Originally Posted by Glenna9802 
Yes, there is a time issue with the place we rent, but it doesn't have to be decided right this second, and I'm not going to do it.
Just make sure that you are doing what's best for you. If it's best for you to stay seperate for now, you'll have God's help to make it. And you will make it. You're amazing.
Give him time to recover. It takes time. I don't like the whole thing with handing-you-the-pill-bottle-in-front-of-the-new-sponsor deal. :wtf2 Recovery isn't show and tell. That whole thing stinks to me. He shouldn't be carrying a pill bottle around to show you how good he's doing. He needs to do this for him. He should have flushed it when he found it at home. That seems like very manipulative behavior to me.
But I do like what you are doing.
Keep doing it, girl, you are awesome.KJ
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
You're doing so well Glenna -- I'm glad that you are going to meetings regularly -- surrounding yourself with people who know where you are at.
He shouldn't be carrying a pill bottle around to show you how good he's doing. He needs to do this for him. He should have flushed it when he found it at home. That seems like very manipulative behavior to me.
I agree with KJ on this one -- I truly do hope for his sake that he is on his way in his recovery -- I know that there are those out there that can beat it -- but only time will tell. I know that near the end of my unhealthy relationship with AH, I had secret time limits for myself (in six months, if ________ doesn't happen, I will do blank ___________ -- things like that). I had done that many times before and never followed through, letting myself, and my children down. This time, I promised myself and I stuck to it. I had to -- I couldn't live in the chaos anymore and if it continued, there would be nothing left, including my own self worth and respect. It scared the s*** out of me, but I stuck to my guns and I can't even begin to tell you how things have changed.
I can only talk business with my AH because it is still way to raw to do anything else (emotions get in the way!) and I know that it wouldn't take much quacking to have some hope for him. But now, there would be boundaries in place.
Keep site of your boundaries and YOUR path. You're doing great!
Laurie
He shouldn't be carrying a pill bottle around to show you how good he's doing. He needs to do this for him. He should have flushed it when he found it at home. That seems like very manipulative behavior to me.
I agree with KJ on this one -- I truly do hope for his sake that he is on his way in his recovery -- I know that there are those out there that can beat it -- but only time will tell. I know that near the end of my unhealthy relationship with AH, I had secret time limits for myself (in six months, if ________ doesn't happen, I will do blank ___________ -- things like that). I had done that many times before and never followed through, letting myself, and my children down. This time, I promised myself and I stuck to it. I had to -- I couldn't live in the chaos anymore and if it continued, there would be nothing left, including my own self worth and respect. It scared the s*** out of me, but I stuck to my guns and I can't even begin to tell you how things have changed.
I can only talk business with my AH because it is still way to raw to do anything else (emotions get in the way!) and I know that it wouldn't take much quacking to have some hope for him. But now, there would be boundaries in place.
Keep site of your boundaries and YOUR path. You're doing great!
Laurie
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Thank you all...As a therapist I once had would say, that was good stuff
One of AH's big problems has always been not finishing what he starts. I can relate, as I have done that in the past as well. But in my mind a recovery program would be non-negotiable for both of us. I would not want to be with him if he was not doing the work on a continuous basis. I hate ultimatums, but that's just what I could live with.
I read a little and slept on things. I have a meeting today and hope to talk to some people. And I am going to be quiet today and listen to HP. Nothing has to be decided in an instant, and I know I don't have all the answers myself (I used to think I did--lol).
AH has a meeting at noon and then is working with his sponsor for at least an hour afterwards. He has a bus schedule and found there is a bus that goes directly from our house to AA. And the sponsor will drive him home. It's tempting to run over and see how he's doing with the second day of detox, but I'm not the rescuer anymore and don't want to be. I think we would both feel better on equal ground no matter what happens.
One of AH's big problems has always been not finishing what he starts. I can relate, as I have done that in the past as well. But in my mind a recovery program would be non-negotiable for both of us. I would not want to be with him if he was not doing the work on a continuous basis. I hate ultimatums, but that's just what I could live with.
I read a little and slept on things. I have a meeting today and hope to talk to some people. And I am going to be quiet today and listen to HP. Nothing has to be decided in an instant, and I know I don't have all the answers myself (I used to think I did--lol).
AH has a meeting at noon and then is working with his sponsor for at least an hour afterwards. He has a bus schedule and found there is a bus that goes directly from our house to AA. And the sponsor will drive him home. It's tempting to run over and see how he's doing with the second day of detox, but I'm not the rescuer anymore and don't want to be. I think we would both feel better on equal ground no matter what happens.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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Is this the same Glenna whose posts I have been catching up on? Have I missed a thread somewhere?
Wow girl you just sent my head spinning. Keep it going and you growing in confidence and self respect.
God bless
Wow girl you just sent my head spinning. Keep it going and you growing in confidence and self respect.
God bless
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I have to say that it feels really good to have somewhat of a core within myself to make decisions from. In the past, I have felt like I was a piece of paper floating in the wind and would go with anybody who reached out and grabbed me. I look forward to that core growing stronger with the program and HP. I told AH last night that I have felt spiritually dead for years until recently when I opened my mind to it, and it feels wonderful to have that connection back.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
But in my mind a recovery program would be non-negotiable for both of us. I would not want to be with him if he was not doing the work on a continuous basis.
- life without substances,
- new thinking patterns,
- new behavior habits,
- new coping mechanisms,
- new people, places and things not centered on the old ways.
These things were exhausting to do, and required total immersion in recovery and focus on their part with the aid of their recovery peers. I didn't want to be wandering around the construction site, in case it imploded. I already had enough collateral damage, to myself, that I needed to heal. Having gone through this process, I'd now give myself a good two years before feeling confident to assess the product, and only then if the pattern were rock stable in the recovering person. If it's unstable, anything goes.
CLMI
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