another day with my ABF, part V
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another day with my ABF, part V
ABF has been drinking solid since my announcement of leaving. He has been going out to the pubs for two or three sessions a day, 7-10 hours per day. He is not sleeping much, barely eating. His eyes are bloodshot. He says he feels good today and is gone to work on a roof, because he has spent his £400 wages now and has no money.
I have booked my flight from the UK to USA for this Thursday. I‘m going to stay with my recently widowed mother for five weeks and then return here.
I feel much reluctance to go. Primarily, it’s the travel and not having my independence. I also don’t want to leave this beautiful bit of country and go back into the concrete jungle; however, I do know that I need a break from ABF and time and distance renders clearer perspective.
I have to return here to await my own council flat, so I do not plan to go no contact with ABF until I have moved all the way out.
My concerns about my return here are
1. he’ll sell the car while I‘m gone. I spoke with him about this and he says of course, he won’t sell the car! but he’s tried to sell it before. to circumvent this, I have a plan to leave the car docs with a friend, as he says he will need them to tax and insure the car. I don’t mind him getting the car back on the road, i do think its unlikely due to his insurance debt. if he can manage to pay his debt, my friend could go with him to tax and insure the car and hold onto the documents when that’s completed, so he couldn't sell it.
2. I’m worried he’ll have his less than trustworthy friends/old lovers here drunk and possibly even move in while I’m gone. again, I discussed this concern with him and he says I’m being ridiculous, but last time I left for a month his old girlfriend was here drinking with him, amongst many others. so I thought I’d put a lock on my door. of course, they could unscrew the lock but it does prevent the random drunk from wandering into my room or some people having sex in it.
3. We have a joint check, in my name only, coming for about £100. I will not be here when it arrives and he will receive this. I think I’ll need my half of this when I come back. He has cashed my checks before, so I know he can accomplish this through forgery. I’m trying to think how to circumvent this.
4. Because he was evicted (which I managed to overturn) he has an agreement to pay £10/week to his rent aurrears. He said yesterday that he would not pay this while I am gone. I spoke to the housing officer about this and she said that if he doesn’t, he’ll be evicted within 4 weeks. since I need to return here and my stuff is here, I need to make sure this is paid. I can’t pay it now because I have only £4, which I need to travel with on Thursday. I could ask my friend to pay it when that check arrives, but again, why should I pay his debt? I already paid it every week for the last 3 years.
I think I’m still in denial, because I find myself wondering is mine is an A? I find myself morbidly curious as to what will transpire in these five weeks here for him. If I was to prophecise, I would render a guess that he will drink himself silly, take a lover, steal my things and sell them, and possibly disappear or be evicted before I get back. I hope i'm wrong.
All thoughts/solutions most appreciated.
naive
I have booked my flight from the UK to USA for this Thursday. I‘m going to stay with my recently widowed mother for five weeks and then return here.
I feel much reluctance to go. Primarily, it’s the travel and not having my independence. I also don’t want to leave this beautiful bit of country and go back into the concrete jungle; however, I do know that I need a break from ABF and time and distance renders clearer perspective.
I have to return here to await my own council flat, so I do not plan to go no contact with ABF until I have moved all the way out.
My concerns about my return here are
1. he’ll sell the car while I‘m gone. I spoke with him about this and he says of course, he won’t sell the car! but he’s tried to sell it before. to circumvent this, I have a plan to leave the car docs with a friend, as he says he will need them to tax and insure the car. I don’t mind him getting the car back on the road, i do think its unlikely due to his insurance debt. if he can manage to pay his debt, my friend could go with him to tax and insure the car and hold onto the documents when that’s completed, so he couldn't sell it.
2. I’m worried he’ll have his less than trustworthy friends/old lovers here drunk and possibly even move in while I’m gone. again, I discussed this concern with him and he says I’m being ridiculous, but last time I left for a month his old girlfriend was here drinking with him, amongst many others. so I thought I’d put a lock on my door. of course, they could unscrew the lock but it does prevent the random drunk from wandering into my room or some people having sex in it.
3. We have a joint check, in my name only, coming for about £100. I will not be here when it arrives and he will receive this. I think I’ll need my half of this when I come back. He has cashed my checks before, so I know he can accomplish this through forgery. I’m trying to think how to circumvent this.
4. Because he was evicted (which I managed to overturn) he has an agreement to pay £10/week to his rent aurrears. He said yesterday that he would not pay this while I am gone. I spoke to the housing officer about this and she said that if he doesn’t, he’ll be evicted within 4 weeks. since I need to return here and my stuff is here, I need to make sure this is paid. I can’t pay it now because I have only £4, which I need to travel with on Thursday. I could ask my friend to pay it when that check arrives, but again, why should I pay his debt? I already paid it every week for the last 3 years.
I think I’m still in denial, because I find myself wondering is mine is an A? I find myself morbidly curious as to what will transpire in these five weeks here for him. If I was to prophecise, I would render a guess that he will drink himself silly, take a lover, steal my things and sell them, and possibly disappear or be evicted before I get back. I hope i'm wrong.
All thoughts/solutions most appreciated.
naive
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi niave..
I’ll give my thoughts based on your list.
1. The idea of leaving all the documents necessary for him to sell the car with a friend you can trust is a good idea. Have you also thought about leaving the car with someone? Parking it at their place and giving them all the keys to it? Your main concern seems to be that he will sell it whilst you are out of the country. All you can do in that situation is put into effect all the measures you can to stop that and then let it go. You can’t control what he may or may not do and worrying about it will just keep you stressing about what might happen in the future and not concentrating on you in the here and now.
2. The idea of the lock on the door is again a good one as it is something you can do to prevent random people using your room. But again you can’t control what he does in regard to that (e.g. take the lock off). Just as you can’t control who he lets into your home while you are away or what he does. Again all you can do is what you are able to do and then let it go.
3. If you know a cheque is arriving whilst you are away and you feel that he may cash it then is there something you can do to prevent that? Maybe contact the people who will be sending you the money, advising them that you will not be around to collect it and ask if there are any other options? Maybe have it sent to a friends address instead? Or contact the Royal Mail and ask whether there are options to have your mail held? The Royal Mail do a ‘Keepsafe’ option for a small fee. This means they can hold all your mail for up to two months and deliver it to you on the next available delivery date when you get back. This might be an option?
4. In the case of the possible eviction whilst you are gone, I would contact the Housing Office again and advise them of your plans and concerns. I would make a list of and gather up any things that are important and leave them with a friend for safekeeping.
As for the thoughts about what he may or may not do whilst you are gone. I understand them. I know letting those thoughts go, admitting you are powerless over what he does, it is easier said than done but it is what you have to try and do.. for your own serenity.
I’ll give my thoughts based on your list.
1. The idea of leaving all the documents necessary for him to sell the car with a friend you can trust is a good idea. Have you also thought about leaving the car with someone? Parking it at their place and giving them all the keys to it? Your main concern seems to be that he will sell it whilst you are out of the country. All you can do in that situation is put into effect all the measures you can to stop that and then let it go. You can’t control what he may or may not do and worrying about it will just keep you stressing about what might happen in the future and not concentrating on you in the here and now.
2. The idea of the lock on the door is again a good one as it is something you can do to prevent random people using your room. But again you can’t control what he does in regard to that (e.g. take the lock off). Just as you can’t control who he lets into your home while you are away or what he does. Again all you can do is what you are able to do and then let it go.
3. If you know a cheque is arriving whilst you are away and you feel that he may cash it then is there something you can do to prevent that? Maybe contact the people who will be sending you the money, advising them that you will not be around to collect it and ask if there are any other options? Maybe have it sent to a friends address instead? Or contact the Royal Mail and ask whether there are options to have your mail held? The Royal Mail do a ‘Keepsafe’ option for a small fee. This means they can hold all your mail for up to two months and deliver it to you on the next available delivery date when you get back. This might be an option?
4. In the case of the possible eviction whilst you are gone, I would contact the Housing Office again and advise them of your plans and concerns. I would make a list of and gather up any things that are important and leave them with a friend for safekeeping.
As for the thoughts about what he may or may not do whilst you are gone. I understand them. I know letting those thoughts go, admitting you are powerless over what he does, it is easier said than done but it is what you have to try and do.. for your own serenity.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Just a gentle reminder: The guy is plastering himself in active alcoholism. NOTHING he says is reliable, so if you believe anything, you own responsibility for what you choose to believe.
Making a deadly weapon (car) available in any way, shape, or form to an active alcoholic is just not a good plan.
Unless he completely owns said vehicle, you have some claim to the vehicle. If you have ANY claim to the vehicle, you can choose not to make it available to someone who well may use it to kill an innocent person on the road.
If you fail to exert this control over a vehicle to which you have claim, then you own also some of the responsibility if he kills somebody using it.
Good for you for getting away for some space and thought.
Is there any way you can engineer circumstances such that when you return your housing and life are not dependent upon sharing with him? Why jump back into the insanity, after getting clear from it? It's like going to detox for a drug, then coming right back home to take a dose. It's illogical.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Making a deadly weapon (car) available in any way, shape, or form to an active alcoholic is just not a good plan.
Unless he completely owns said vehicle, you have some claim to the vehicle. If you have ANY claim to the vehicle, you can choose not to make it available to someone who well may use it to kill an innocent person on the road.
If you fail to exert this control over a vehicle to which you have claim, then you own also some of the responsibility if he kills somebody using it.
Good for you for getting away for some space and thought.
Is there any way you can engineer circumstances such that when you return your housing and life are not dependent upon sharing with him? Why jump back into the insanity, after getting clear from it? It's like going to detox for a drug, then coming right back home to take a dose. It's illogical.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
catlover-
thank you for your gentle reminder. i can't seem to accept he is addicted to alcohol, maybe because he hides it so well. it's actually difficult for me to discern if he's drunk or not, he's so good at still talking, still walking, etc.
he doesn't drink and drive anymore. he had 3 duis (before i met him) and i have never seen him drive drunk in the last four years. i think he understands that if he gets caught drinking and driving again, he'll go to jail.
you are right to say that NOTHING he says is reliable and i have taken recently to assumming whatever he says is a lie. just yesterday, his brother came over and had a cup of tea with me and i said "oh, ABF said you were here earlier to visit him" and the brother said he wasn't. why lie about something like that? is he just confused in his head?
please bear with me. i'm hoping that a month away will help me see things clearly. i know i'm cloudy and tired right now, not myself at all.
i understand the problems with coming back here after america, but it's the best plan i can come up with considering i have no money. maybe something else will occur and more options will open up to me.
naive
thank you for your gentle reminder. i can't seem to accept he is addicted to alcohol, maybe because he hides it so well. it's actually difficult for me to discern if he's drunk or not, he's so good at still talking, still walking, etc.
he doesn't drink and drive anymore. he had 3 duis (before i met him) and i have never seen him drive drunk in the last four years. i think he understands that if he gets caught drinking and driving again, he'll go to jail.
you are right to say that NOTHING he says is reliable and i have taken recently to assumming whatever he says is a lie. just yesterday, his brother came over and had a cup of tea with me and i said "oh, ABF said you were here earlier to visit him" and the brother said he wasn't. why lie about something like that? is he just confused in his head?
please bear with me. i'm hoping that a month away will help me see things clearly. i know i'm cloudy and tired right now, not myself at all.
i understand the problems with coming back here after america, but it's the best plan i can come up with considering i have no money. maybe something else will occur and more options will open up to me.
naive
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tallulah-
i'm grateful to you for your feedback and input. i just bought the doorlock and plan to route my mail to my friends (cheaper than KeepSafe actually).
i know i can't control him or what goes on while i'm away, but i think these small steps might be enough of a deterrent to keep at least my bedroom out of the drucken equation. or, he might just knock the door down.
so here i am, with my ABF, not even feeling safe to sleep, have him receive my mail or safeguard my things and I'M STILL IN DENIAL. all i can do is hope that getting to an al-alnon meeting will knock some sense into me.
naive
i'm grateful to you for your feedback and input. i just bought the doorlock and plan to route my mail to my friends (cheaper than KeepSafe actually).
i know i can't control him or what goes on while i'm away, but i think these small steps might be enough of a deterrent to keep at least my bedroom out of the drucken equation. or, he might just knock the door down.
so here i am, with my ABF, not even feeling safe to sleep, have him receive my mail or safeguard my things and I'M STILL IN DENIAL. all i can do is hope that getting to an al-alnon meeting will knock some sense into me.
naive
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
Naive, how much 'stuff' do you have? Can you pack it up and move it to a friends? How much really really important stuff do you have?? (as in a few changes of clothes and any important documents etc.). Do you have a friend with enough room for that? Why do you have to leave your car where he can get at it?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by naive 
tallulah-
i'm grateful to you for your feedback and input. i just bought the doorlock and plan to route my mail to my friends (cheaper than KeepSafe actually).
i know i can't control him or what goes on while i'm away, but i think these small steps might be enough of a deterrent to keep at least my bedroom out of the drucken equation. or, he might just knock the door down.
so here i am, with my ABF, not even feeling safe to sleep, have him receive my mail or safeguard my things and I'M STILL IN DENIAL. all i can do is hope that getting to an al-alnon meeting will knock some sense into me.
naive
i'm grateful to you for your feedback and input. i just bought the doorlock and plan to route my mail to my friends (cheaper than KeepSafe actually).
i know i can't control him or what goes on while i'm away, but i think these small steps might be enough of a deterrent to keep at least my bedroom out of the drucken equation. or, he might just knock the door down.
so here i am, with my ABF, not even feeling safe to sleep, have him receive my mail or safeguard my things and I'M STILL IN DENIAL. all i can do is hope that getting to an al-alnon meeting will knock some sense into me.
naive
One thing about the mail re-direction. I have had those and it can take at least 5 working days for it to take effect. I have been in a position where I set up the re-direct but there was a few days where the post would still have been delivered to the address from which I was re-directing. I called up Royal Mail's Redirection service number (their phone number should be on the website) and explained my situation and they agreed to hold my mail at the sorting office until the redirection was in effect. As you are leaving for the US on Thursday it might be worth giving them a call and seeing if they can do this for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Originally Posted by naive
...he hides it so well. it's actually difficult for me to discern if he's drunk or not, he's so good at still talking, still walking, etc. ...
he doesn't drink and drive anymore.
he doesn't drink and drive anymore.
You are doing good things for yourself! As you get away and some space and distance, it will become easier to think. I hope you have a safe and enjoyable trip to the US and are able to get online and post from there. If your mother hasn't a computer, you can often go to the local library and get online on their computers for free.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi naive!! Good for you for walking out and spending some time with your mom. I bet she is already happy knowing she will see you soon. I hope you both take the chance to be together and support each other during these difficult times. At least I know that as I have confided and spent more time with my mom, I have felt so much better. Its true that a mother's love is the only 100% unconditional love there is! (or at least one of the best examples of it)
Even if he has not driven drunk, you are not sure what he may do, he is an A, he is not you or me. Please think of innocent people out there and get your car somewhere safe, give the keys to someone you trust and don't say a word to the A. The least thing you need is a disaster. You need to be in the US knowing your car is getting dusty and no one is driving it. Perhaps HE won't drive it, but one of his drunken friends will, etc. You do not know.
What he does or does not do is his problem. You can't control him.
Its also a great chance to pack your stuff and store it in your friends' homes.
This seems to be a really wonderful chance for you to zoom out, the last thing you need is worrying about your car or stuff. Keep the important stuff somewhere else!
All the best,
Sandra
Even if he has not driven drunk, you are not sure what he may do, he is an A, he is not you or me. Please think of innocent people out there and get your car somewhere safe, give the keys to someone you trust and don't say a word to the A. The least thing you need is a disaster. You need to be in the US knowing your car is getting dusty and no one is driving it. Perhaps HE won't drive it, but one of his drunken friends will, etc. You do not know.
What he does or does not do is his problem. You can't control him.
Its also a great chance to pack your stuff and store it in your friends' homes.
This seems to be a really wonderful chance for you to zoom out, the last thing you need is worrying about your car or stuff. Keep the important stuff somewhere else!
All the best,
Sandra
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catlover-
you are right; i cannot assure he won't drink&drive.
i have been thinking more, due to your prompting, and i recall i HAVE seen him drink&drive. i had forgotten. once, we had an argument, he was drunk and he drove 1/2 mile he could have easily walked. he said he did it just to show me he didn't give a &*(%.
if i deny him access to my car, the **** will hit the fan. i think it is very, very unlikely he will drive it because he it would take £300 for him to settle his insurance debt and get the car taxed. i think the car will sit there until i return.
if i leave him the car, it gives him the option of getting it up and running and getting back to work at the shore. he is a different man, camping and working the shore. that is the man i love. it gives him the option of getting sober, getting the car going and getting to work again.
i'm going to mull all this over. it's my car, but everything is in his name because i didn't want any liablilty with his craziness. i've seen him abandon cars on the road when they are finished and i always worried when the car was in my name and him driving it.
you are right; i cannot assure he won't drink&drive.
i have been thinking more, due to your prompting, and i recall i HAVE seen him drink&drive. i had forgotten. once, we had an argument, he was drunk and he drove 1/2 mile he could have easily walked. he said he did it just to show me he didn't give a &*(%.
if i deny him access to my car, the **** will hit the fan. i think it is very, very unlikely he will drive it because he it would take £300 for him to settle his insurance debt and get the car taxed. i think the car will sit there until i return.
if i leave him the car, it gives him the option of getting it up and running and getting back to work at the shore. he is a different man, camping and working the shore. that is the man i love. it gives him the option of getting sober, getting the car going and getting to work again.
i'm going to mull all this over. it's my car, but everything is in his name because i didn't want any liablilty with his craziness. i've seen him abandon cars on the road when they are finished and i always worried when the car was in my name and him driving it.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by naive
if i deny him access to my car, the **** will hit the fan. i think it is very, very unlikely he will drive it because he it would take £300 for him to settle his insurance debt and get the car taxed.
Good for you for not having legal ties to the car! Very well thought move, on your part.
And if you feel taking any stand of control about the car may endanger your safety, that must certainly factor into your decisions and actions.
I think you're doing much better than you realize, wading through the muck that is life with an active alcoholic (and severely sleep deprived to boot!). Give yourself credit for having made much forward progress in a very short time here at SR.
Your ability to ask for feedback, listen, and hear it have been notable. Finding solutions starts with looking honestly and seeing WHAT ACTUALLY IS, and I think you are making great progress working yourself toward that, being honest with yourself as you learn more and get more feedback.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
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ok. here's my solution with the important stuff (computer and documents). i have a lock on my desk and i will break the computer down, put it in the large locking compartment with my important docs and lock it. then, i will lock my room and give a key to my friend, in case i need her to collect these things.
the homeless social worker said that she would email if his name crosses her desk for eviction. if so, i will be notified.
one of his drunk friends took my bike yesterday (without asking) and i ran into it lying on the street today. i rode it home. i think i'll put the bike in the bedroom too before i lock it.
the homeless social worker said that she would email if his name crosses her desk for eviction. if so, i will be notified.
one of his drunk friends took my bike yesterday (without asking) and i ran into it lying on the street today. i rode it home. i think i'll put the bike in the bedroom too before i lock it.
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catlover-
thank you for your encouraging words. i trust the hard-earned experience of the good people collected here, even though i myself remain in the dark. i can't continue to ignore all of the many warnings offered to me here and it was essentially unanimous that i get out of this environment.
his actions since i began following the advice offered here is pretty much exactly what you guys said it would be. independent of him, i know that my life has become out of balance and i need to separate or go crazy with him.
thank you for your encouraging words. i trust the hard-earned experience of the good people collected here, even though i myself remain in the dark. i can't continue to ignore all of the many warnings offered to me here and it was essentially unanimous that i get out of this environment.
his actions since i began following the advice offered here is pretty much exactly what you guys said it would be. independent of him, i know that my life has become out of balance and i need to separate or go crazy with him.
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