orviske

It has been a few months since my last post. At that time I was grappling with the decision to leave my ABF. At the time I lived in Alabama, and through the strength of folks at SR was encouraged to jump in my car and go to NY.

My little girl was born December 3, 2008. I have pictures to share. She is the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me. She truly saved my life.

ABF is now an XABF. He still is in Alabama. He still has made no attempt to see his daughter. Everyone in my life says the same thing....he should be here.

She is 3 months old and has yet to meet the other supplier of genetic material.

I realize now that he is a really sick man. He has no idea that he has caused his own problems. He continues to blame my leaving on me. I have offered several times for him to come and live here. He tells me he has his own life, and that I obviously made some poor decisions, and that I am where I want to be.

I have made some of the very best decisions in the last 6 months. While it is true that my baby girl and I live with my parents, in the last 6 months I have secured a well-paying job with benefits, and stable childcare for my little angel. I'm working on saving money for first months rent....and soon we'll be on our own!

I continue to love him, but realize how unhealthy my own addiction to him is. He cannot see the hurt he causes, and how unreasonable his actions are.

Although we used to talk every day, since she was born he claims that he is just too busy, and our phone calls have been reduced to once a week. I am not persuing child support for him, as he has another son that he is 3 months behind for.

Most recently he has decided to treat himself by setting aside money to go to Bonnaroo, a huge music festival in Tennessee. I told him I certainly hoped he has an envelope with our daughter's name on it, to come and visit her. He told me that he plans to visit, but that it takes money, planning and time off of work. And planning to go to a 3 day music festival doesn't?

My heart can't take anymore, and so yesterday I decided that I can't force him to take interest. I can't force him to love her or us. I have decided to let my love for him die. I still don't understand why that is so hard to do! This man has meant nothing but trouble for me. I am living at home with no car to drive legally. I am in a ridiculous amount of debt, and he shows no signs of loving me or the baby, or any remorse.....he still continues to think I left arbitrarily.

I know he is sick.....that the addicted brain knows no form of consequence and loves just one thing.....Why is it so hard to just let go???

JenT1968

no, you can't.

You know what he is missing out on because you are wrapped in the joy that is your child, he has no desire to find the time to experience that. Can you imagine? There are many things that I can't fathom in this world but that one is way high on my list.

But that is his hard luck frankly.

Doesn't seem like you (or your beautiful child) get much physically, financially or emotionally from keeping in contact with him. Why is it so hard to just let go? I don't know, I wish it were as easy as saying the words. For me, I have had to look at some of my beliefs about myself, others, parenting, love and relationships in general to see just why I become embedded in and then return to toxic relationships.....

This site has been a font of wonderful knowledge. glad to see you here:ghug

WomanFriend

I can honestly say that I would drive myself crazy if I tried to make sense of my XABF's thought processes and decisions. The sad truth is that, sober or not, his head is clouded. He is unable to process the past and present and unsuccessfully tries to forecast the future.

On that note, you, too, will drive yourself crazy if you try to make sense of your XABF's mind. Acceptance of this fact is not easy or pleasant.

I sometimes find it helpful to just think of one instance that showcases these facts in order to remind myself that he is not healthy, rational, or normal. I have found that I tried to make the most sense of him when I began to think of him as healthy, rational, or normal.

Orviske, I am glad that you are making healthy decisions for you and your daughter, and I hope you continue to do so.

ToughChoices

Thanks for the update, Orviske!
I'm so glad to hear how you and the little one are doing.

You sound like you are in a lovely place and moving forward to even brighter days. I'm sorry to hear that your XABF doesn't share such an optimistic outlook.

I don't know the man, but he sounds incredibly selfish and immature. Perhaps that's related to addiction - perhaps it's a fundamental personality flaw. Whatever the case may be, your little girl is fortunate to have a tough, loving mother to help guide her through life's adventures.

You are two lucky ladies.

Keep posting!
-TC

mle-sober

"I wonder what goes through the addicted mind....."

I need alcohol. Where am I going to get my next alcohol? Do I have enough money for alcohol? Do I have any alcohol left over from last night? I can't remember. What happened last night? Where's my alcohol? Oh good here's some alcohol. Oh crud - it's not enough. I need more. Where can I find my money? I need alcohol. Drink this alcohol. There. That feels a little better. But it's not enough. I need more alcohol. I have to drive to the store to get alcohol. Here's my alcohol. Pay for my alcohol. I'm shaking. I need more alcohol. Why is that man looking at me like I'm skum? Douche bag. I need to get home and get some alcohol in me. Thank go I'm home. My hands are shaking. I need this alcohol. I deserve this alcohol. Oh, that tastes good. I need more. I need much more. I think I'll call in sick because I deserve to take a day off. I've been working so hard. And the world is treating me like crap for some reason. I don't need them. They need me. Thank God for my alcohol. It's my one good friend that won't let me down. Everyone else in my life has let me down. They don't understand me. They misjudge me. They think they know better. And they think I'm less than them. But I'll show them. I just need to stop shaking and feel better and then I'll show them. I just need to drink a little more here in the dark where I feel safe and where they can't see and judge me. If I drink a little more, I'll feel stronger and safer. And all their judging words and harsh assessments of me and my life won't matter to me. It hurts me when they treat me like that. Like they think I'm dirt. Or they know better. It hurts me. I don't want to hurt any more. I need more alcohol. I just need more alcohol. I can't work today. I'm too sad. I feel sick with sadness and what the world has done to me. Can't they see that they have crippled me? That their judgements hurt me? F*ck that. They can't hurt me. I just need to drink more alcohol. They can't hurt me anymore. I know what I'm doing. I've got it all under control. I work hard and I do the best I can and if they can't see that, then f*ck them. That's their fault and I guess they'll just have to go on without me. Their fault. I'm safe here and I've got my medicine and I can handle this. And if some people want more from me than I can give - or than they deserve - that's their problem. I'm doind the best that I can. I work hard. I need more alcohol. I need to make sure I have some tonight so I can party tonight because I deserve it. I need to watch out for myself. Everyone elese is watching out for themselves and I've been trying so hard and they still act like I'm some kind of loser. To heck with them. I've got my alcohol and I feel fine now. And that's there problem. Maybe I can talk to them tonight and make them understand how hard I work. I deserve this. I can't talk about it with them. Tehy don't understand how hard I work. Blah blah blah blah blah blah......

GiveLove

Hey K,
I'm glad you have decided to let that candle go out. Keeping it burning has eaten up so much of your energy and time, and for what? I remember all the terrible things he's done to you. Is a man who does those kinds of things worthy of your love? Love is something we grant to those who are good and just and worthy of it......he has not earned this from you.

Ahh, but I envy the person who some day steps into your life and gives you the tenderness you deserve. You are someone capable of a great and powerful and patient love - and worthy of receiving it from someone else. When you untie that tether from an unhealthy relationship, you may be amazed at the things that happen.

Pictures! Pictures! We want Pictures!

GL

veryrestless722

congrats on the baby, mine is now 4 months old, they really do change your life and your perspective on things dont they

my husband is not really invovled in his life yet either, i had no contact with him for 3 months and just recently got back into contact , he is still in rehab and says he wants to see the baby but im waiting on the effort from him to truly do what he says, he wants me to stop the divorce, i get where you are and how hard it is to let go, hes back in my life but i dont know in what way yet or if he really will be a father, but im focusing on myself, if he wants to straighten up and be a family he knows where i am , im not making the effort for him, just like with yours, you cant force them to see what a child means, they either learn it on their own or not at all , i sometimes wonder if he wants me to stop divorce proceedings just so he wont have court ordered visitations and can call when he feels like it to see the baby, i dont know

glad to hear things are good for you

Bernadette

I see F&F of A's often contemplating this.
Since we can never really know what is in the hearts/minds of others we can only make an educated guess based on behavior. With behavior the answer is ALWAYS right before your eyes. It is no mystery. It is not even complicated.

It looks like your exABF is unwilling to make the effort to see his daughter.
He is willing to make the effort to see a big music show/party in TN, so he is capable of setting priorities, and his choices show you exactly what his priorities are.
He is telling you it is all your fault, so he's blaming.
He is months behind on child support for another precious child, not a good indicator of financial health or personal responsibility.
He has not chosen sobriety/recovery so he is still in active addiction.

IDK, those seem like the visible facts to me. If he is thinking noble thoughts, loving thoughts, positive thoughts, while he is behaving this way I don't see what difference it makes. Behavior tells you all you need to know. Believe it!

Don't waste another precious second trying to figure him out.

Very happy yo hear you and DD are safe and sound! And you even found a good job--that is a miracle and a blessing!

Why is it so hard to let go of a partner who has already, by his behavior, let go of you? Those are good questions for yourself to explore with a counselor or to keep in mind while you listen to others at an AlAnon meeting..........

peace,
b

TakingCharge999

congratulations on your great job and great decisions!!
he sounds like such a loser. sorry! but you sound way more mature than him.
missing out on his baby's life is one thing he will always regret. i am glad you are the one in charge.
letting go is hard, but its possible, one breathe at a time..

isitme

Hey Hey! It's good to see you! I'm so glad everything went well with the little one. I'm sorry that your still hurting, but you have to be so happy to be around family that loves the both of you and is willing to help. Can you imagine how much harder it would be to "let the flame go out" if you were still trying to manage with him in Alabama?

You would truley feel alone. I think it would be just that much harder on you if you felt like you were begging him to take an interest while the both of you were sitting right there instead of a couple of hundred miles away.

I'm so glad the two of you are doing well, and CONGRATS on finding a job in this tough market and making a go of it on you own. It shows of a lot of pride, dedication and determination to make it that far in such a short amount of time.
:ghug3

SleepyCherie

Because you are human and your brain has been conditioned to function around his dysfunction.

You made the right decision and it will get easier as time helps you heal.

sailorjohn

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go.The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney

I've come to believe that my addiction to the relationship was a way for me to avoid the guilt of wrecking my second marriage, and losing a relationship with my son in the process, not to mention the pain of watching someone you care about destroying themselves.

TakingCharge999

"Why is it so hard to let go of a partner who has already, by his behavior, let go of you?"

OUCH!