anubus

ABF called tonight, and I didn't answer the phone. He called both my cell and house phones over & over, several times within several minutes....I think he's panicing because I've NEVER ignored his calls before. He has a DUI hearing coming up April 21, I know he's running scared, and I don't think he ever dreamed that I would not be there for him this time.

Anyway, he has tools here (these darn tools are his "tools to keep in touch with me" or something)....I can't tell you how many times I've been through this...ugh. He tells me he's coming a certain day, then doesn't. He phoned this past Monday....He was SUPPOSED to pick the tools up Friday or Saturday (yesterday). I told him to make a list of what's here (my XH left me his tools when we divorced, and to be honest I don't know which are who's), and I would take them to my boss's garage (the minister). I told him I didn't want to see him, so he could pick them up there. Well, naturally I didn't hear anything from him until today, no list, nothing.....it's Sunday night, and all of a sudden he's ringing both my phones off several times......so I decided I'm not gonna be his beck & call gal, and didn't answer the phone. When he couldn't get hold of me, he called my boss which is no problem really. He told my boss he wants to pick the tools up Tuesday now.

But now my boss is having building materials delivered tommorrow, and won't have room for the tools My boss says ABF sounded mellow, didn't seem like a threat, said he doesn't want any problems, just wants his tools (quacking, quacking). He told my boss I was holding his tools hostage.....what a JOKE.

My boss wanted to call him back after he talked to me, so I just told him to tell ABF I would get in touch with him about the tools. I'm NOT calling him back tonight, and HONESTLY I'm debating whether to even call him TOMMORROW....I am NOT his beck & call girl, and this is just a tactic to get me to respond to his control. When we're split up, and I leave messages on his machine, he never gets back to me for 2-3 days, so WHY should I jump when HE calls.

But NOW WHAT????? ABF will have to come HERE to get those stupid tools, and push my buttons....... Even if I'm not here when he comes, he'll do stuff to get to me, hit my emotions, I have been here/done that too....ugh.

And, what should I expect with his behavior now.....I mean with me finally taking a stand, rejecting him? Do they usually get angry & possibly dangerous? My boss says he doesn't sound like a threat, so maybe I'm just getting scared for nothing. I am very glad I'm taking this stand, but I admit I'm kinda uncomfortable as to what is gonna happen next.

sailorjohn

He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Find a safe place to leave his tools, let him know where they are, you don't have to actually talk to him to do this.

If the phone calls are bothering you that much, change your numbers. Have been down this road, the easiest way to encourage him to contact you is to keep responding to him. If you ignore him long enough, he will probably get tired of it and stop pestering you, eventually. Good luck.

Daisy30

trust your gut on this one. If you are picking up some small signals that he may respond inappropriately then do what you need to take care of you.



He is defiately leaving these there so he has a reason to contact you! You need to take control of this. Drop the tools off at his friends house or family members house w/o notice. Tell them they need to contact him to pick them up.

Then you are done. He no longer needs to contact you. You DID your part. If he never picks them up from the friend....then that is his to deal with.

anubus

Thank You. His one friend owns a mechanic shop, perhaps I can leave them there. Hopefully I can figure out which are HIS....he was supposed to give me a list of what was his, because my XH left tools here for me when we divorced. Honestly I did not even know that ABF HAD tools here this time.....he has an apt, wasn't living here the past few months, but would come over everyday, sometimes even when I was at work. He deliberately brought tools here & put them in my breezeway, just "in case".......ugh. As soon as we split, sure enoough 2 days later he's calling about tools.....I'm thinking WHAT TOOLS.....until I looked in my breezeway.

This desease is nuts.

I'm still way too vulnerable to deal with him. I still love him, and it was a very tough decision to "Let Go and Let God". And the only reason I'm even doing this is FOR HIM....as you all tell me, he has to hit bottom. I want more than anything to hug him, take him back so this is killing me. If I talk to him, it'll be all over.

Freedom1990

It took me 10 minutes to get my phone number changed after my ex-fiance walked out and a few days later some drunken lady started calling and screaming obscenities at me and my then 11 year old daughter (who unfortunately answered the phone the first time).

It was apparently someone he had hooked up with before he left me, and he had given her my unlisted phone number.

No more phone calls.

anubus

Thanks......I've had the same phone number for about 30 years. I'm kinda "attached to it"......lol. But maybe time for a change. Wheh.....I HATE change!! I hate to give up my long term phone number, but maybe it' s TIME.

naive

dear anubus-

i agree with sailorjohn, find an alternative solution to deliver his tools. it sounds like a good option to drop them of at his friend's mechanic shop. why not do that? and his friend could call him and tell him or, if he calls the minister, ask the minister to tell him where they are also. then it is taken care of.

i'm finding that it is best to just take care of issues, one at a time, and don't stop. for me, if i stop, i loose my momentum. and for myself, i have known things are not right for some time now but it takes a lot of energy to dig myself out. but the good people here say that things won't get better until they stop drinking altogether.

is your man even talking about coming off the drink? mine isn't. he doesn't think he has a problem and laughs at me when i say he is an alcoholic. he thinks i'm being absolutely ridiculous.

peaceteach

And if for some reason you can't sort out which tools are his, could you at least have a friend at your house or a family member at the agreed upon time so that you aren't facing him alone? Sometimes we really do need to trust that gut feeling that this is not a good idea....

Good luck, anubus. Change IS scary, but it can wind up also being a breath of fresh air

CAPTAINZING2000

Where does his mom live? Is she nearby? There any one else you can leave them with?


I do believe, there is a control thing going on.


If, you no longer want to have anything to do with him, let him know, you've moved on with your life.

There's no reason, to let him ruin your life any longer.

laurie6781

Real simple solution.

Pack up his tools. Take them to the police station. Tell them you want no contact with this man, and leave them there.

Tell him, or have 'your boss' tell him, he can pick them up at the police station.

No contact from you, and your problem is solved.

J M H O

LOve and hugs,

kj3880

I bet it doesn't end that easily. I hate to sound pessimistic, but just my experience. And I'm way too experienced with stalker exs. I've now handled 3 of them in my 30 years of dating (I guess one a decade!..lol)

My exabf purposely left things at my house on his last visit. I broke up with him at my house and gave him hours to get his things out. We'd only been dating about 2 months, so there were only a couple things for him to leave there. When he called me, I put the clothing in a bag and told him to meet me at a gas station around the corner from my work that morning. I told him "I will be there at 9am. If you don't show up within 10 minutes, I will put the stuff on the ground there and will leave. When I saw his car pull up, I placed the bag on the ground outside, waved, and drove away without a single word..

He called and left a message that he was "missing his spare car key and a t-shirt. I politely called him back and explained that "there are no more of your things at my house. I cleaned and found nothing. If something does turn up later, I'll send it to you, as I do have your address. Don't call me, I'll call you if I want to talk."

Of course, then he began showing up at my NA meetings and calling me all the time. As has been stated on here, it didn't work to respond politely and infrequently to crazy exs. That only taught him that if he was persistent, I would sometimes answer the phone/talk to him at meetings. I had to completely ignore every call and every appearance to get him to stop. It took a few weeks, but now it has been about 10 days since the last call from him! I hope it is over.

Love,
KJ

anubus

Thank you all.

Gosh......just SHOOT ME, please....lol. I did a no-no.....ended up talking to him last night. I was all set to leave the tools at the mechanics.....BUT then:

Yesterday morning the lawyer phoned me with important info about his DUI. I KNOW.....I SHOULD have just given the lawyer ABF's phone number or something.....but I didn't. I wanted to explain it to him, it wasn't the best news & I was afraid hearing it from the lawyer would make ABF run from the whole thing. I ended up phoning ABF last night, it took me an hour to calm myself down to make the call because I was having a horrible anxiety attack about calling him....ugh. But I finally did. He asked me not to take his tools to the mechanic, he will come pick them up as soon as he gets a ride...blah blah. I said I didn't want to see him, he said he could come when I'm not home & wouldn't steal anything (which I didn't think he would anyway).
He just listened about the lawyer info....even when I stopped he didn't say anything, was really quiet. I asked if he was going to show up at the hearing, and he said he didn't know, he needed some time to think about what to do. He says his job is shutting down in 2-1/2 weeks....I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth or not, the job was unsteady so might be true. I tried to encourage him to face the DUI, get it behind him so he could get his life back (he's been running from this thing since 2004)....not a lengthy conversation, but I just told him it was a giant step for him, getting that warrant lifted, and if he just deals with it, it will be over once & for all.

I KNOW.....it wasn't my place to say anything. Call the Codie police again. Shame on me.
We didn't actually agree anything on the tools issue, he just said he'd call when he got a ride to get them. I didn't push the issue, maybe I should have to get him out of my hair.....but he just sounded like everything in his life is caving in, and I think he's right when he said he needed time to think. Who knows, maybe this IS his bottom? It sounds like everything is caving in on him, and he'll either sink or swim this time.

You all can give me heck now if you want, I know I deserve it....I'm beating myself up too, for backing down. But I just want to see him finally face this DUI issue. I've watched him torture himself over it for years. I hope he's on the verge of finally dealing with it. It's NOT my business, I know....but when you love somebody it's HARD.

kj3880

Are you asking yourself why you keep signing up for this pain yet?

KJ

LaTeeDa

If you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten................

L

anubus

I am reading all your replies, just not quite sure how to answer. I know everyone is right, it's just that there is no instruction book on "if this happens, do THIS".......and emotions play a part when I'm not prepared for it.
I was strong & firm on the tool thing, even broke off communication with his mom, then the lawyer calling with important info upset the cart for me.

I did tell ABF it was HIS decision whether he showed for the hearing or not, I just tried to encourage him on what a giant step getting the warrant lifted was. I can't be cruel, it just isn't in me. So if I'm a bad person or sick person who needs counseling because I am having a hard time not trying to encourage him, then I don't know what to say.

This is all so confusing and emotional. My 21 year old son was washing his car here the other day, and noticed my 2nd car. He asked if ABF wasn't driving it anymore, so I told him the situation. Here's this kid.....21 years old, looked at me and said "Why doesn't he just straighten up??"......lol. It's like, everyone LIKES ABF, and everyone SEES his problems, except HIM. Okay, I know....it's his choice to live his life as he choses. It's just HARD.

Barbara52

No dear, you do not need counseling because you try to encourage him, because you a caring person.

I thought about trying to explain again but realized that would be me treating you like you are treating your ABF, treating you as someone incapable of undertanding and trying to make you see things the way I do. It would be me trying to control you from a distance.

I don't do that anymore.

You have every right to live your life the way you see fit even if I see you making the same dysfunctional choices over and over. You have been given a world of wisdom and support here. I hope someday you can break out of what I see as denial but that is only my perception from your words and may not be valid for you.

Only you can decide if there is something you need to change and only you can decide if you are ready to make whatever those changes may be.

I hope things go well for you.

silkspin

The codie in me tells me that you wanted to contact him, and you used the lawyer's call to do that. It is hard to let ones we love fall apart/hurt, feel we know better or convince them of something, but in the end they will still do what they want. You are protecting him for something he did that didn't involve you, and if you keep sugar-coating stuff for him, he will not ever feel his consequences. Why did you feel you had to be the go-between with the lawyer? What do you think that would change?

I've heard something on this website that really stuck with me (I don't recall who it was so can't give credit) - what if this DUI thing would have been the moment that he would have hit bottom and got help but he didn't because you interfered and protected him, again?

Impurrfect

(((Anubus)))

Just as addicts have to deal with the consequences of their actions, we codies have to deal with our consequences. In my case, I'm both an RA and a recovering codie, so I've had to deal with lots of consequences.

I understand the feelings you're going through, but in all honesty, it sounds like he is your addiction. I, too, said it was "love". It took me getting out of the relationship (after 20 years) and a few more years before I saw that though there was some love, it was more of an addiction to him.

My hope is that while you are waiting for him to hit bottom with his addiction, you will hit bottom with him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

kj3880

How is it being cruel to not contact someone? If you are determined to keep finding reasons to keep in touch with him, then you will do so. When you are done, you will be done. Apparently, you are not yet done. I'm sorry you feel the need to keep signing up for this pain.

KJ

anubus

Thanks everyone.

Maybe I am hitting bottom too. I've been through alot the past several years and I guess I am lonely & just hoped he would straighten up. I'm not making excuses for myself, but maybe I need to talk about what else I'm dealing with in my life. Maybe that will bring to light why I'm having such a hard time now. Maybe bring to light something I'm not seeing. Sorry, it's LONG....but maybe needs discussed. Please don't take this as crying or playing the pity party game....I'm just trying to explain my feelings, hurts & fears, which may be playing a part in my difficulty now.

Backup 5 years or so ago....I was married for 23 years to an ADULT CHILD of an alcoholic....he was NOT an alcoholic himself, but had the personality, which was REALLY confusing. We had 3 kids, a nice house, etc, and then he became disabled, so we just stayed together. His life was a mess when I met him, but he WANTED me to kinda "take over" and fix things. It was what he WANTED. He couldn't even deal with his children from previous relationships (3 to 3 different women, not counting ours together). I even handled THAT....befriended the moms & kids, even made arrangements with the court to handle HIS domestic relations issues, hearings, etc. It just made life more simple, as they didn't want to deal with him anymore than he wanted to deal with them. Dysfunctional, but it WORKED for everyone. When my step-daughter (HIS daughter) got married a couple years ago, I was invited but she wrote right on the invitation "X family, EXCEPT HIM..her dad. I still talk to the moms, and we just laugh about him being a Physicopath etc.
I went to counseling, Alon-On, etc back then and over & over heard the same things you all are telling me now. So I did take a stand after 23 years of marriage....FINALLY. We got in a fight one day, he left and I wouldn't take him back (although he was an adult child, not an actual A, they said he needed to "hit bottom" just like an A.) I came really close to losing my house with that decision....I can honestly say that it was ONLY with God's help, that I am still in this house....it came THAT close to foreclosure. I went through pure hell emotionally while my XH did everything he could to GET EVEN with me, prove that I was the crazy one, etc. He took our foreclosure letter to the local bar, bragging about how 'He gave me that nice house, and I was losing it". Two weeks before he left, he told the neighbor & another friend how great our marriage was and that we were gonna retire together etc. He was into tattoos, and said he wanted to tattoo my name on his arm. Then 2 weeks after I took my stand (Giving him to God, allowing him to hit bottom, whatever), he met another enabler, a younger woman.....within DAYS, he tattoed HER name on his arm. He bought a house right down the road from me, put huge panthers (i'm into cats, it was to get "to" me) in his front yard....he deliberately did things to get to me mentally. Our divorce and his marriage appeared on the same newspaper page, RIGHT BESIDE ONE ANOTHER. Somehow I managed to stay sane, but I did go through pure hell mentally.
SO.....(with God's help) I saved my house, started a home business, finally found a decent job, became the "Independant Woman" everyone kept telling me I would be happy with, and then "The Prince" would come. I fianlly started dating again off the internet. I got super frustrated with dating, and just decided if God wanted a guy in my life, He'd send him to my front door. My friends were yelling at me to GO OUT, You have to GO OUT to meet somebody....but I just had it with dating, hate bars, nobody at my church, etc. So I just joked that God could send somebody to my front door.
WELL........shortly (like maybe a month later).....my current ABF showed up at my front door. He had moved in across the street a few months before, I had no idea. He saw me out raking leaves, and later knocked on my door and offered help. I had no idea he was an A, nothing about the warrant at first, etc. But I was HAPPY for the first time in years. I honestly THOUGHT God was answering my prayers. He moved in after while, and we were planning on getting married, but after awhile I "knew" he had serious issues, and was hiding "something". We split for several months, and then one day a couple of years ago, he showed up at my door holding a huge Xmas tree, told me he wanted to talk, and confided everything about the warrant, DUI, etc. He brought paperwork over to show me, and we discussed everything. He said he wanted to deal with it, but was afraid, and that's when I started trying to encourage him. It IS a complicated situation (again, not making excuses for him.....just saying that it IS a tangled web....1/2 because he didn't deal with it back then, but besides that, I know it was extremely hard for him to come to me and tell me about it......I am the ONLY person he told up to that point). He was sincere then, but I think got scared about all the complications, no money for a lawyer (can't get a good job with a warrant). So we would talk about it alot, but he wasn't doing anything about it. SO, after months (year or more?) of enabling him, watching him have panic attacks over this, worrying about prospective jobs running background checks, etc......I couldn't take it anymore & turned him in (okay, I KNOW...wasn't my decision to make, shouldn't have done it.....but can't go back in time). I honestly didn't think he would ever talk to me again. But he did, and in fact admitted that he should have dealt with it long ago, and seemed prepared to do it.......but he was REALLY SCARED. He cried about it a few times, I mean real tears which is unusual for him. This was only a couple of weeks ago. We got into another fight, and that's when I decided I needed to LET GO & LET GOD.....but given all the circumstances, it's HARD for me.

Back to XH today.....this is a small town and EVERYTHING gets back to me. He's still married, and at age 60 he is expecting his 7th child. He has bought a Corvette, Harley, Mustang, Bronco, 4 houses. I know none of this should bother me, but it hits me constantly since this is a small town. I can't move because I'll never get a job like I have anywhere else (long story, but this job IS a God-send). If I would have continued "doing things" for him, I probably would still be married today. Taking the stand forced him right into the hands of another enabler. If I had to do it over.....HELL NO I would have never taken that stand. Life wasn't easy with him, but it sure isn't easy alone either. Takes 2 incomes these days to MAKE IT.

So maybe this is alot of my problems with current ABF. At age 50, I've unhappily resolved myself to the fact that I'll probably be "divorced & single" the rest of my life. I'm VERY lonely, and ABF did make me laugh & smile, and did things like cut the grass etc. I know I can't put my own self in jeapordy with his warrant/DUI, and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to see that he's destroying his life which HURTS because I love him, so I just keep begging God to help him SEE. Maybe God's trying to do that, and I keep getting in the way by not totally detaching, I don't know. But I know I'm having a horrible time doing this. When the lawyer called yesterday, maybe I was "doing" like I had for 23 years with XH....it was like automatic. I did pray about what to do after the call, and discussed it with my 25 year old daughter who knows the situation & took psycology in college (not saying that makes a difference, but just saying she is very intellegent) and decided I should call ABF about this new (bad) development. There were blood test results that he needed to know about. And I guess I didn't feel it was the right thing to do telling the lawyer we had split up, just seemed like the lawyer didn't need to hear all this. ABF has the lawyers number, and can call him himself, but I just didn't feel telling this lawyer we split, etc was appropriate.

Sorry for the long story, I really AM seeking answers & help. I'm trying to do this, if for no other reason, to HELP HIM, if he is gonna hit bottom.....but it's HARD, especially after going through trying this route with my XH and having it fail so badly.