WomanFriend

It's only technically been a day since my XABF and I broke up so I know that I have many more days before simply thinking of him becomes a rare occurrence.

I have been doing an incredible amount of self-work lately so I don't ache for him in the way that I would have not that long ago...

I wouldn't say that I harbor positive or negative feelings at this point. I did catch myself feeling sad for him earlier tonight when a television show prompted me to think about a horrible childhood experience of his. I had to remind myself that there was nothing I could do about that for him. I had to remind myself that bad things happen to everyone, and we all make choices to either move on from those experiences or to prolong our suffering. In his case, he has made choice after choice to prolong his suffering.

I would love to hear from those of you who have moved on from the A in your life, whether it was their choice or yours. I know our individual recoveries will vary greatly. I would be interested to hear what worked, what didn't work, what continues to help, what continues to distract...

Thanks for listening.

peaceteach

I realized that it was not only okay, but helpful, to TRAIN myself to keep my thoughts off the A and focused more on myself, to just stop the thoughts when they began by doing something, ANYTHING, to get my focus back where it should be---on me.

Life moves on, A's survive or don't, but WE can. It's a lot easier to survive and thrive without an addict or alcoholic in your immediate life and household. They are such a drain on your thoughts and emotions, and all that focus of yours goes wasted on someone else. So my suggestion is to catch yourself when you find the mind going there and learn some techniques for stopping the thoughts and teaching yourself a NEW way to think and focus.

I'm sure you did your best to help your A. But I think there is more to life for US than self-sacrifice. We would tell someone else that truth, so we need to realize that it applies to us as well. Good luck with your new journey. Mine has taken on a peacefulness and happiness I had forgotten was possible in life

DesertEyes

Everything that people recommend here on SR works for me. Which is pretty much the same thing I hear at meets of al-anon. Working the 12 steps with a good sponsor was hugely helpful, especially the 4th and 5th. Going to lots of meetings and taking up a commitment at every one. Sponsoring others. Visiting folks when they were sick. Helping people move. Reading the literature.

For me it's been very simple. That does not mean _easy_, i've had to let go of a lot of denial and pride, but none of that is complicated.

The result is wonderful. My attitude about life and relationships is much healthier. I've lost that terrible fear that if I wasn't in charge of everything then it would all fall apart. I let most of life just move along on it's own pace and I focus on controlling only the one thing that truly is within my control. Me.

My life is much the same as anybody else's. I've got a nice job that's a little shaky due to the economy, have a little condo that's way "underwater", have my share of health problems, a charming young lady that spoils me. The world has _not_ changed, but my attitude towards the world is completely changed. I'm no longer addicted to making other people's lives better.

Mike

Wascally Wabbit

I had lived in it so long that leaving was a breath of fresh air.
I think the mourning process took place the year before I actually left, so that when I did leave, it was an enormous relief.

I stayed "friends" with him for a little while. But, the addict in him would remain the same. Unchanging.
I changed for the better. I no longer have to live in chaos.

Barbara52

Life is wonderful without all the myriad complications and drama of marriage to an A. I thank God I left. I thank God I have finally begun working on my issues of being an ACOA, work I never would hae done without having been thru the disasterous marriage to my xAH.

When I left I went no contact. I had to for my own healing and to avoid the whining and drama xAH would have brought back into my life. It was only a matter of days til I started feeling more my normal self. I met with xAH about 2 months after left and told him I would be getting a divorce. He wanted to begin marriage counseling but I told him it was too late to save anything. After that meeting I only saw him only once before the divorce was final and then only to convince him the house had to be sold. We communicated on necessary legal issues and the house sale via email only. Not seeing or talking to him allowed me to keep him out of my thoughts, allowed me to stop my codependent tendencies toward him, allowed me to move on.

In many ways, tha actual pain of leaving wasn't much since my marriage was dead long before I left. I jsut hadn't admitted it. I didn't suffer through a lot of missing him really. I missed the fantasy not the reality. And fairly quickly the loss of the fantasy didn't matter much either. I know I am building a better life, better than any fantasy I had had before.

I still care what happens to the man but from a distance (physically and emotionally). I pray he someday finds sobriety before alcoholism kills him. But he no longer has even a mariginal place in my thoughts.

In the past 21 months, I have found myself again and grown in oh so many ways. There are times I wish that marriage had never take place (it was 5 yrs total) but I know that it was something that led me to where I am now, a good place, a place I would not have reached without having gained the knowledge I have gained through the breakup of the marriage and examining my own problems.

I thank God for the wondeful people in here who encouraged me to exaimine my own issues and to put my emphasis on me. The hard work and pain involved in self examination and movement toward healthy behaviors and thoughts is well worth the effort.

ReadyToHelp

Hi WomanFriend,

Congratulations!!

Although I'm not there yet, I'm happy for you for having put an X in front of ABF. I am working on doing it, and as a close friend told me on Friday, it's going to hurt, so just do it.

I look forward to being like you, and asking others for support. Right now, I'm waiting for not the "right" moment, but the time when I'm ready to "deal" with the break up.

Remember - we tend to feel addicted to helping people (thanks DesertEyes). So, we have to be careful of those illusions we've held onto for so long. You've released it enough to leave him. Just hang on to the freedom and equip yourself with knowledge, the truth, self-worth, self-confidence and all the other stuff you need to stay strong.

Good luck and stay strong!

Ready(ToMoveOn)

SugarLily

The day I realised that my ex was a grown man and responsible for his own actions was when I could begin to "let go".