Not sure how to handle this..........
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Not sure how to handle this..........
OK, this could be a bit of "codie" coming out but I have a couple of quick "issues" I would love to hear some opinions on.
As many of you may know, my husband of 20 years and I are officially seperated (in Ontario, you are officially separated when you cease to share the marital bed which was December 18 2008). He moved out two weeks ago. It has been scary and a relief. I'm actually enjoying my freedom and alone time, although sometimes think I spend wayyyyy too much time here!
His birthday is on Friday and I'm not sure how to handle it. I have been with him for the last 27 of his birthdays and it does not feel "proper" to not wish him a happy birthday. I'm not talking a big shindig or anything. I'm thinking of just a text wishing him a HB. I will probably remind my daughters of the day. When I ask myself whether I think he would acknowledge mine, I think he would. My girlfriend thinks I'm crazy -- I should not acknowledge it. However, she asked for his new phone number so she could text him to mark the day?
Another issue I have is that my 18 almost 19 year old daughter is spending a lot of time at his new apartment (it is close to where her boyfriend lives and is convenient for her to go there). Should I stay right out of it? I have not asked about her father because I don't want to "put her in the middle". But it takes everything I have not to! I don't really care what he is doing, I just care that she is not accepting unacceptable behaviours. Or feels she has to "lie" to me to cover things he is doing. Any thoughts? When I ask myself this, I think "she is an adult - she can come to her own conclusion about the situation". Did I answer my own question? It really is about her safety and her exposure to any situation that could be unsettling for her. I think I need to cut the apron strings right?
Thanks for reading yet another long winded post lol!
As many of you may know, my husband of 20 years and I are officially seperated (in Ontario, you are officially separated when you cease to share the marital bed which was December 18 2008). He moved out two weeks ago. It has been scary and a relief. I'm actually enjoying my freedom and alone time, although sometimes think I spend wayyyyy too much time here!
His birthday is on Friday and I'm not sure how to handle it. I have been with him for the last 27 of his birthdays and it does not feel "proper" to not wish him a happy birthday. I'm not talking a big shindig or anything. I'm thinking of just a text wishing him a HB. I will probably remind my daughters of the day. When I ask myself whether I think he would acknowledge mine, I think he would. My girlfriend thinks I'm crazy -- I should not acknowledge it. However, she asked for his new phone number so she could text him to mark the day?
Another issue I have is that my 18 almost 19 year old daughter is spending a lot of time at his new apartment (it is close to where her boyfriend lives and is convenient for her to go there). Should I stay right out of it? I have not asked about her father because I don't want to "put her in the middle". But it takes everything I have not to! I don't really care what he is doing, I just care that she is not accepting unacceptable behaviours. Or feels she has to "lie" to me to cover things he is doing. Any thoughts? When I ask myself this, I think "she is an adult - she can come to her own conclusion about the situation". Did I answer my own question? It really is about her safety and her exposure to any situation that could be unsettling for her. I think I need to cut the apron strings right?
Thanks for reading yet another long winded post lol!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As for your daughter, I think you have answered your own question. She's almost 19, and an adult. 
When it comes to birthdays, I do wish my oldest AD a happy birthday over the phone, and that's it. No card, no gift.
She's made the choice to remain in a lifestyle I don't approve of, that has profoundly affected her children, and I really don't have anything to offer her.
When it comes to birthdays, I do wish my oldest AD a happy birthday over the phone, and that's it. No card, no gift.
She's made the choice to remain in a lifestyle I don't approve of, that has profoundly affected her children, and I really don't have anything to offer her.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I think, personally, that no contact means just that: No Contact!
Anytime that you do anything to violate that on your end, you leave a window open for the a. to get back into your life. In court, this would give him an excuse to initiate contact to you back. Don't do it!
He needs to feel just as cr@ppy as his actions have made his life. He has lost his wife to his addiction. He needs to feel the pain of that on his birthday. That helps the A. take the actions they need to take.
But this isn't about him. It is about you. What is going on in your life that you could and need to pay attention to in your own life that you are avoiding by once again focusing on him and his birthday???
My suggestion is that if you can't get it out of his head, write him a birthday greetings letter, then tear it up and get on with your day!
Hocus, pocus, keep the focus!!! On YOU!
KJ
Anytime that you do anything to violate that on your end, you leave a window open for the a. to get back into your life. In court, this would give him an excuse to initiate contact to you back. Don't do it!
He needs to feel just as cr@ppy as his actions have made his life. He has lost his wife to his addiction. He needs to feel the pain of that on his birthday. That helps the A. take the actions they need to take.
But this isn't about him. It is about you. What is going on in your life that you could and need to pay attention to in your own life that you are avoiding by once again focusing on him and his birthday???
My suggestion is that if you can't get it out of his head, write him a birthday greetings letter, then tear it up and get on with your day!
Hocus, pocus, keep the focus!!! On YOU!
KJ
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I agree that there is something going on with me that makes me feel that it would be "less than human" to not wish him a happy birthday. I think part of that is that he is being decent, paying the "support - in the form of a mortgage payment" and being civil. Which is more than has gone on for the past couple of months. All without having to go the legal route yet. That could change at any moment but for today, it is ok and I have financially prepared for that. So even though he is not here, I continue to walk on eggshells to keep the peace - argh. Because he still has power over me - argh. I wish I didn't need the money and at some point, I will not. But until our house sells, which could be a while, the reality is that I do.
I think that's what this is about. Another thing I think of is something my one daughter said a little while ago (she is a very logical thinker). She said that she was happy that we separated, it was time. We weren't happy. And she was grateful that we were being civil. It made the transition much less traumatic for her.
I think they will believe it is cruel to not at least acknowledge their father's birthday. Will it make me look cruel in the eyes of my daughters?
I think that's what this is about. Another thing I think of is something my one daughter said a little while ago (she is a very logical thinker). She said that she was happy that we separated, it was time. We weren't happy. And she was grateful that we were being civil. It made the transition much less traumatic for her.
I think they will believe it is cruel to not at least acknowledge their father's birthday. Will it make me look cruel in the eyes of my daughters?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by timetogo 
I think they will believe it is cruel to not at least acknowledge their father's birthday. Will it make me look cruel in the eyes of my daughters?
I make decisions from time to time that my 20 year old daughter, still living with me, doesn't necessarily agree with, or is happy with. That is her problem to sort out, not mine.
When I'm insecure, I base my decisions on what will make others feel 'okay' about my decision.
I'd suggest some quiet time with your higher power, and getting back to doing what is right for self. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Originally Posted by atalose
If it was your birthday coming up, what do you think he would do?
Way to much energy still being expended on him...what can you do for you today to get your life on track?
Love,
KJ:ghug3
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,695
TTG -
I have contact with my STBXAH. We have a kiddo so, unless the man decides to drop off the face of the earth (which is not outside the realm of possibility) I will have to have some amount of interaction with him for quite a while. No contact is not a healthy possibility for me right now.
I say all this to tell you - I'll wish Peter a happy birthday this year. I hope he has a happy birthday. I'm not going to buy him a gift or write him a love poem, but, I'm also not going to act like I don't know or don't care.
I don't expect him to celebrate my birthday in any way.
I fully expect my needs/desires in this arena will change as time goes by. Ten years down the line, both of us remarried and busy living separate lives, it seems super weird for me to call and wish him Happy Birthday. This year - feels way weirder NOT to do it.
Go easy on yourself. Be aware of your motives and your desires. Do you end up in tears every time you speak to him? Does it turn into a shouting match? If you're really uncomfortable communicating with him, then I'd say let this B-day roll on through while you take care of yourself.
You know your own answers here.
Much love to you!
-TC
I have contact with my STBXAH. We have a kiddo so, unless the man decides to drop off the face of the earth (which is not outside the realm of possibility) I will have to have some amount of interaction with him for quite a while. No contact is not a healthy possibility for me right now.
I say all this to tell you - I'll wish Peter a happy birthday this year. I hope he has a happy birthday. I'm not going to buy him a gift or write him a love poem, but, I'm also not going to act like I don't know or don't care.
I don't expect him to celebrate my birthday in any way.
I fully expect my needs/desires in this arena will change as time goes by. Ten years down the line, both of us remarried and busy living separate lives, it seems super weird for me to call and wish him Happy Birthday. This year - feels way weirder NOT to do it.
Go easy on yourself. Be aware of your motives and your desires. Do you end up in tears every time you speak to him? Does it turn into a shouting match? If you're really uncomfortable communicating with him, then I'd say let this B-day roll on through while you take care of yourself.
You know your own answers here.
Much love to you!
-TC
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
You are so right Freedom -- I can't continue to worry about what other people think of my decisions -- including my "almost" grown children. Thank you for reminding me of this.
I am maintaining contact to a degree (very limited) for the same reason TC -- our kids. We do have a ways to go when it comes to selling the home (if that's what happens), working out more permanent arrangements for support, income tax etc etc -- business. I keep it short and only business and then the emotions don't get in the way. And he is on the same page.
I do think he would acknowledge my bd as well but Anvil, you're right. This will be my year of firsts without him (already got through valentine's day, family day). And our 20th anniversary would have been in June -- certainly won't be marking that.
I'll let you know what I decide lol!
I am maintaining contact to a degree (very limited) for the same reason TC -- our kids. We do have a ways to go when it comes to selling the home (if that's what happens), working out more permanent arrangements for support, income tax etc etc -- business. I keep it short and only business and then the emotions don't get in the way. And he is on the same page.
I do think he would acknowledge my bd as well but Anvil, you're right. This will be my year of firsts without him (already got through valentine's day, family day). And our 20th anniversary would have been in June -- certainly won't be marking that.
I'll let you know what I decide lol!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi timetogo-
each situation is different, but i agree with anvilhead, there is always going to be a special occasion. it depends on how strong you feel, if you can handle contact.
as for your daughter, she's an adult and she has a safe place to escape to, your house.
i left here last week to stay at my friends, and it was ABFs birthday.
naive
each situation is different, but i agree with anvilhead, there is always going to be a special occasion. it depends on how strong you feel, if you can handle contact.
as for your daughter, she's an adult and she has a safe place to escape to, your house.
i left here last week to stay at my friends, and it was ABFs birthday.
naive
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