another day with my ABF, part IV

Old 03-07-2009, 10:44 PM
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another day with my ABF, part IV

t’s 6AM here and I’ve been up since ABF came home at 3AM, on my new schedule of sleeping while he’s away drinking and being awake to prevent the fire from his cigarette dropping/drunk cooking. it’s a crummy solution but it will have to do until I can leave, at least I know I’m safe.

ABF drank for 10 hours today. He got paid £300 yesterday and gave me nothing. He’s mad now because I told him I’m going to sell my car and get my own flat. He said that was unfair and I explained that it was merely a matter of survival at this point, I wasn’t doing it to be mean to him.

He then tried various forms of manipulation, to talk me out of selling the car. The car has been sitting idle for 2 months because he says he can’t afford the insurance (£45/month) He said if I sell the car, he won’t speak to me, his brothers won’t speak to me, and if he sees me destitute in the future, he won’t help me. He then said that the flat was his and that if I sold the car, he would throw me out.

At one point today, he went out and bought a roast (I’m a vegetarian) and asked how to cook it? I said sear all sides it in hot oil and put it in the oven for 2 hours. He said he couldn’t do that, he didn’t know how. I said, I’ll show you. Then he had a tantrum, put the roast in the freezer and said he was going to give it away if I didn’t cook it. I responded that I don’t eat meat, it didn’t bother me if he gave it away.

Later, he tried to convince me that he hadn’t been drinking this week (he’s drank every day except one).

Then he changed tactics, saying he does think of me, see how he brought home some crumpets for me? I looked in the fridge and there were no crumpets. He had bought potato scones by mistake.

It’s all quite insane. I’m organizing myself to leave, hopefully this week. Thanks for letting me get all that out, it helps.

marie
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Old 03-07-2009, 10:56 PM
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I think it's good to vent and then go back and read the craziness for yourself. You are getting stronger--I can tell
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Old 03-08-2009, 12:37 AM
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hi naive
i just rented an apartment just for me and its WONDERFUL. after a few months i am starting to feel free at least. free from alcoholism and moreover free from my obsession with the ex. a different person altogether.
i am betting you will feel great, too
hugs!!
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Old 03-08-2009, 12:57 AM
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Hi Marie

Just reading in F&F again, don't normally post but wanted to say well done for getting out. You are right it is completely insane, hopefully one day he will realise this but only when he is ready to get help, and hopefully for him that help will not be the usual crap of trying to analyse why he drinks, job's too hard, missus doesn't understand him, life unfair etc. and helping him to realise he is in the grips of a physical addicition/disease that can only be controlled by not drinking.

Anyways good luck, hope other F&F members read your post and do the same for them, rather than hanging around for the miracle which will never happen, i say will never, that's wrong...he could be the exception to the rule and the one in 10000 that do suddenly get better and everything turns out ok for both of you together, roulette wheel 1-10000 pick a number and keep spinning! That's insanity too!

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Old 03-08-2009, 03:15 AM
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Then he had a tantrum, put the roast in the freezer and said he was going to give it away if I didn’t cook it.
yes because THAT will teach you a lesson, huh? LOL: and I think that was an excellent answer, far more dignified than I ever manage under pressure.

Glenna is right, you sound strong and determined. Are you feeling better about your choices for the way forward?

It IS chaos, and insane, I really am sorry that you are in this situation, but IMHO you sound like you are gaining confidence in leaps and bounds.

Yay!!
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Old 03-08-2009, 04:46 AM
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Just a :ghug3

You are ok. It will be ok.

In the darkest moments I look at the serenity prayer. Sometimes I break it down to it's component parts and apply them to the situation like a lens through which I can view it.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.... Can I do anything to stop this person doing what they are doing? No. It's late and there is no-one from the fellowship I can call. I can't change that.

Courage to change the things I can.... I can do something proactive rather than reactive. I can read from my literature, journal my feelings rather than internalise them, come to SR or another online support group. I can reflect on the serenity prayer or some other reading to help put situations into a clearer perspective.

Wisdom to know the difference.... I can do things to counter my jumbled thinking. I can ask for my HP for peace, restorative sleep, whatever I need to restore balance.

You are right the situation is insane. And he is doing all the same things he usually does expecting a different outcome? But you are not? That is what counts for you. :ghug
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Old 03-08-2009, 05:10 AM
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thanks everyone. i feel very tired, but i'm hoping a soak in the tub will revive me...

i'm going to press on today and try to get thru organizing my flight. it's noon now, ABF just left to go drinking saying "i'm just going out for the day but i'll be in tonight.", as if that's an improvement! if last sunday is any indication, he drank from 1-9pm, when he started bleeding out of his nose and took that as a sign to come home.

i really don't understand how he doesn't simply drop...if it was me and i drank for 10 hours yesterday, i would be very ill today. but he seems fine.

when he told me he was going out drinking today, i thought to myself "he is his own person. he has the right to live his life the way he wants to". that was very helpful because it is indeed his life afterall.

i'm starting to feel anxiety about what will happen when i return from america. what will await me here? it's very stressful.

i also don't know how long to go for? i'm thinking 4-6 weeks. a lot could happen here in that time, including him being evicted and me losing all my things. i'm not sure what to do.
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Old 03-08-2009, 05:28 AM
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Is there anyone who can store your stuff (or some of your stuff) for you while you are gone? If not (and I know funds may be tight) is there anyone (family, friends) who can perhaps loan you or give you the money to get your stuff into a storage unit for the short term? Or have you thought of approaching your local benefits office for a crisis loan?
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Old 03-08-2009, 06:09 AM
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thanks tallulah. yes, i could store some of my things at my friend's house. i don't know where my brain is.

and yes, i could apply for a crisis loan. i should do that because otherwise, i will be travelling to america with nothing in my pocket, which is also stressful but i am sure i would make it.

i'm a bit overwhelmed and keep telling myself babysteps. today, i will attempt to book my flight. tomorrow, i will call the crisis loan people and tell them he drank all the money and see what they say. (i'm still just learning about the social system in this country, as i was employed until 6 months ago.)
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Old 03-08-2009, 06:34 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
thanks tallulah. yes, i could store some of my things at my friend's house. i don't know where my brain is.

and yes, i could apply for a crisis loan. i should do that because otherwise, i will be travelling to america with nothing in my pocket, which is also stressful but i am sure i would make it.

i'm a bit overwhelmed and keep telling myself babysteps. today, i will attempt to book my flight. tomorrow, i will call the crisis loan people and tell them he drank all the money and see what they say. (i'm still just learning about the social system in this country, as i was employed until 6 months ago.)
NP.. it's overwhelming. Like you say, baby steps and bite size chunks.

If you go to the jobcentreplus.gov.uk website it gives you information on who can qualify etc. It's worth a go: worst that can happen is they say no and you are in the same position you are in now. From that you can look at other alternatives.

I know how making sure your stuff is ok is important. You want to have it there for you (unharmed and undamaged) when you decide to come back and more importantly you don't want to leave it with your A to be used as a bargaining tool.

You're doing well. :ghug
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Old 03-08-2009, 06:42 AM
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hi naive,

Glad you're making progress to take some time out of hell.

A lot of us find it helpful to make a list of those things - a list of small steps that must be taken. Ticking them off is a visual reminder that you ARE indeed making progress, and you can add in things like the crisis loan as they occur to you. I would keep it on your person, though, so "he" can't find it. Else they make great ammunition against you.

The "quacking" (manipulation) will only continue, so I hope you can find your way out soon. Gosh, he sounds like an obnoxious little child. Make my food! It's all your fault! I won't be your friend any more and neither will they! (ick) If your parents are willing to pay for your flight, might they also not be willing to loan you a small amount to make the trip?

(For me, it was well worth finding employment that I liked well enough. The chains that public assistance put on me - the kind which bind you where you are right now - were not worth it to me. All the free help in the world could not make up for the trapped life I was forced to live to keep it.)

Making a "fire list" was very helpful to me in discerning what to leave behind. If the house were on fire, what were the few things so important to me that I would risk my life to save them?

Keep checking in - we're worried about your safety.
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Old 03-08-2009, 08:02 AM
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Hi Naive

I'm so glad that you are taking the steps to get some time away from the chaos. It must be so difficult having to "babysit" someone to make sure they don't set the house on fire. I agree with GL, we are worried for your safety.

I think that 4-6 weeks will be a wonderful period for you to get out and experience what "normal" feels like -- to be able to sleep peacefully, to NOT BABYSIT anymore.

Please keep us posted -- we're thinking about you
Laurie
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Old 03-08-2009, 08:31 AM
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givelove and timetogo-

thank you for your continued support and counsel. i too am worried about my safety here, as he has been violent before. i feel to lie low and not rock the boat until my escape. this situation could blow up here, as he is drinking heavier and heavier since i began to make my stand.

and yes, i expect the quacking to get worse. he shifts like a chameleon. this morning, he changed his tune, saying i had done everything to help him, to help his children and he would always stick by me and help me out.

i am thinking to go "no contact" in america and to block all outgoing calls on our phone here, something i can do with a few keystokes. then, he can't easily call me and i also don't have to pay for his calls for the month i'm gone.

i'm also considering not informing him of my plans. he knows i plan to go to america, but i've said that many times before and not followed thru.

he just called here, two hours ago, saying he was coming home because his front tooth had broken in half (from decay) and it was sore. it's just one thing after the other.
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Old 03-08-2009, 10:27 AM
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they ARE chameleons..
but we are too, and its a healthy natural change of colours to brighter ones

i am so glad you are looking to leave, you deserve someone who sees in you what we see, a corageous, great woman

i agree you shouldn't inform him to prevent further quacking

man, do they quack LOL
stay strong, you are doing very well!!
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