ChangeIsHard

I went to my first Al Anon meeting a few days ago and I was a little discouraged. Most of my experience is filtered through my social anxiety - i felt very anxious and was struck by how 'rigid' seeming the meeting was. It was so different than my social anxiety support group where we are encouraged to respond to each others experiences and question each other about it. I got overwhelmed and cried a lot. I also was the only one of the 'new people' who went back into the room for the fellowship portion and was extremely embarrassed because i didn't know what to do or say and had one person come up to me and talk to me. It seemed like i wasn't saying or doing the right thing and excused myself quickly. I am trying to not be discouraged - but i fear that i don't fit in there.

Has anyone else felt like they didn't fit into a certain type of recovery/program and sought out an alternative one? Maybe the internet is the best way for me.

thanks for listening.

blessed4x

I was fortunate that the first meeting I tried was such a good fit. I ended up missing the meeting the second week, so I tried another night instead and it was very awkward for me. The room was overcrowded, I did not feel at all comfortable sharing, and it just seemed like they were all part of a clique that I wasn't in.

I went back to the time I had first tried and had my 4th meeting today. They are an amazing group of women. Had I gone on the other day the first time I tried a meeting I don't know if I would ever have gone back. So, to make a long story short, I'd keep trying different meetings (if you live in a place where there are more options) until you find a better fit.

I also am in individual counseling with someone with experience in co-dependency and am finding that very, very helpful. Best of luck to you, it is so worth the effort you are putting into your recovery!

Chrysalis123

Welcome!

Alanon recommends trying 6 meetings before deciding if Alanon is for you or not.

I was terrified to go into my first meeting, compounded by the fact I live in a small town and knew I would know or recognize people in the meeting. I was correct as I knew 3 of the attendees that night. I too cried through the first several meetings. At first I didn't understand what was happening and felt awkward but after time I knew I was welcomed with open arms. (I was actually welcomed with open arms the entire time but my issues kept me from realizing that.)

At first I found it "church like...liturgy" in how they read the same material every meeting. Now I find great comfort and meaning in listening to those words..but that is me. I also did not understand the no cross-talk rule, but now see its worth.

Alanon is not for everyone, but for me it truly save helped me to save myself and my children, and I will be forever grateful.

Pelican

I am new to al-anon meetings myself. Because my work schedule changes each week, I must attend different meetings at different locations. I am trying to make 2 meetings per week.

One meeting I attend seemed "rigid". I thought they were programmed into their program. A future meeting with that same group helped me to understand the rigid style of the meeting. The topic was how to have a healthy meeting. I understand a little better the guides of not having cross talk, and the politeness of thanking people by name after they share in a meeting.

The other meeting I attend is a little more relaxed. They are a bit older and I appreciate their wisdom.

I am also finding comfort in reading the steps and traditions each week. At first I wondered why we couldn't just skip this since we only meet for an hour. Get on with the program, you know. Now I am learning about the comfort of these words and learning the benefits of the program.

I attend the meetings as I can, I read from their Courage to Change, Hope for Today, How Alanon works as well as other self help books I have and I learn a lot from my friends here at SR.

tallulah

I can really relate. Trust me you are not alone. The first meeting is a bewildering experience.

It's emotionally draining; you feel like the new girl in school, they all know each other and you don't; they seem to know how to 'do' it; it seems like there is this format you just don't understand; they seem way ahead of you (like there is going to be a test in a couple of weeks time and you are the only one who hsn't studied); they seem together and you feel like a bunch of frazzled feelings.

I felt like that too. I decided to keep going. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I thought well I'll give it the 6 meetings and then re-evaluate.

After the first meeting, I tried another meeting a few days later and now I go to two meetings in different places. Both have different energy. But what I realised, when it came to my sixth meeting, that all the fear and bewilderment I felt had lessened. I just felt the warmth in both places. Yes it still feels like they know each other and I'm trying to fit into that but that's more me than them. The groups arms are open and it's a matter of letting yourself in at your own pace. Like the closing says:

We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way ... the same way we already love you.

It might not be for you. But I'd give that meeting another chance and maybe check out some other meetings in your area if that is possible. :ghug

timetogo

I too can relate. But the group I attended itself was a really great fit after I had gone a few times. I haven't been for a while because there was some conflict in the group (work related) so I have now been considering a meeting out of town.

For me, Alanon will become a "tool" in my toolkit. I find (like with exercise lol) I have to do a variety of things to "restore myself to sanity". I attend individual counselling, have a great circle of friends, family and coworkers I can talk to, SR of course, and try to eat right and exercise (walk, yoga). All the things combined, while they do take work, contribute to my well being in different ways (spiritually, mentally, physically).

I encourage you to try again, with an open mind. And if that meeting doesn't fit, find another. It is a great addition to that "toolkit".

take care of you
Laurie

Daisy30

I would definately keep going and try a few different meetings you will find a good fit

Barbara52

I have not been to an Alanon meeting and am not likely to at this point. I am just not a group meeting sort of person.

I am proof recovery is certainly possible for us without attending meetings. I did it thrugh some therapy, tons of reading, talking things thru in here and a whole bunch of honest self examination and hard work.

anubus

Please do not judge on just one meeting at one location. I live in a very small town, and many years ago attended our local Alon-On meeting. I left out of there thinking they were crazy.......hard hearted, etc. I didn't go back for many years.
A few months ago, I decided to go to an AA meeting, hoping to learn about the desease.......loved it, but also met a gal who took me to Alon-On meetings in nearby towns. I truly feel like "I BELONG". Not all groups are the same, and I suggest trying another location before you decide that Alon-On is not good for you.

One thing I liked.........find a group that upfront lets you know that what is right for one, isn;t for another. A group should not be so harsh as to put guilt feelings on you with "you should" or "you need to"......each situation is different. And you should go at your own baby step level. Alon-On should be all about YOU.......focusing on yourself, but at the same time helping you deal with your A person. None of it should be a bad experience. If your group IS, then find another group.....all are NOT equal.

Best wishes to you!

JenT1968

I too have social anxiety, although it ebbs and flows with its severity. Any group of people with rules and more experience of the social norms of that group is therefore terrifying to me.

big hugs for walking through that door to begin with

The slogans irritated me, (because its a shorthand for a whole string of meaning that I didn't get) I was the only one crying etc...

I don't know about you, but my anxiety all stems from a fear of being judged and therefore If I do something "wrong", not expected, not well etc, I get extremely embarrassed and anxious, my adrenalin goes through the roof, I want to (or do) flee and then analyse it until I collapse from exhaustion.


anyway I was at my wits end sooo... I did pluck up the courage to go back for a while, one of the people there had recently been released from jail for battering his alcoholic wife in a fit of rage. Wow, I could bearly believe that here I was sittting in a room full of (mostly) women, many of whom had experienced violence at the hands of their alcoholic SO, and here was he, NOT taking responsibility for his actions, blaming his HP, blaming his AW, and these people looked at him with love and acceptance, called him on his BS but did not judge him.......

and I realised that the one thing that people in the alanon groups that I went to DIDN'T do, was judge:

They had all cried, they had all wandered into the rooms not knowing what to do, they all remembered what it was like at the beginning and they were kind, and gentle.

I didn't stay in al-anon, and haven't been for years, although I am looking forward to going back once AH has moved out and I can get a babysitter, one of the reasons was that I found myself "people-pleasing" with my share's etc there, it was like another mask to wear, I didn't get a sponser etc and that would have helped there I think, I am going to get one this time round.

But it isn't for everyone, horses for courses, I understand your anxieties, and you don't have to go to Alanon, it isn't a test, and it isn't a failure to not want to be there or not find it helpful, but I bet the people in the group didn't see anything odd about you, I bet they all saw themselves as they were when, frightened and confused, they first reached out.

:ghug.