A little more about my situation...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 4
A little more about my situation...
A lot of my friends are unaware of my situation because I don't feel comfortable talking about it. It is hard to find someone who understands what I am going through. Sorry if this is lengthy...
I have been with my bf for almost 2 years. There is a bit of an age different, but honestly you would think I was the older one in the relationship. We are both currently in school. I am finishing up my master's while he is working towards getting into law school. He hopes to start law school in the fall.
When we first started dating, I never even saw him drink. We went out to a bar, and he barely would finish his beer. I would notice he would call me after our date, and he sounded wasted but thought nothing of it. The more we hung out together, he hid his drinking really well. It wasn't until months in our relationship that I saw him drink more. I guess it didn't bother me because he was fun and outgoing when he drank. I never thought it was a problem.
Then there were times when I would question how bad it was. He always needed to drink. When we would go out to lunch in the afternoon, he would order a glass of wine. Or two. Or three. Sometimes before his shift as a bartender. Then it became where I would have to pick him up from some place because he drank too much. Or sometimes he would have me drive him to work.
I look after him when he drinks because sometimes I am afraid of what he will do to himself. He has fallen many times and forgets a lot of things. Recently, he got a doctor to prescribe him sleeping pills because he can't sleep well. Really he cannot sleep well because he drinks so much. The combination of the alcohol and sleeping pills is horrible, and he kinda hallucinates. I worry about him a lot.
He has never been physically abusive to me in anyway, but he often says some mean things to me. There are times when I am the love of his life and he wants to marry me. Then there are others times I am ****** and a stalker and crazy girlfriend. Then the next morning, he will give a crappy apology saying he is sorry. He thinks I make stuff up so sometimes he believes he never said any of it because he thinks he is not that type of person. I cannot count the times he has apologized to me.
He drinks every single night at least 3 22oz. beers., often 4 or 5. Sometimes he will throw back a whole 12-pack, and it is not just the light stuff. It is the beer with 8.1% ABV. Even just today, he said he decided to start drinking this morning because he felt like crap and was stressed out. I ended up driving over his house to take him to work. The problem is that he knows I cannot say no to him. I have no spine and I cannot stand up for myself. Sometimes I fear when I do say no to him, he will just find someone else who will do it for him.
I really don't know what to do anymore. A lot of this has made me really insecure with myself. Right now, he is at a bar with his friends. I wonder what he is doing or who else he can be with. When he gets home, he is going to drink even more. But to him, he thinks he can stop whenever he wants and that alcohol has no hold on him. I want to help him and be there for him, but I know I am at a point in my life that I need to do what is best for me. I just don't know how to go about it.
I have been with my bf for almost 2 years. There is a bit of an age different, but honestly you would think I was the older one in the relationship. We are both currently in school. I am finishing up my master's while he is working towards getting into law school. He hopes to start law school in the fall.
When we first started dating, I never even saw him drink. We went out to a bar, and he barely would finish his beer. I would notice he would call me after our date, and he sounded wasted but thought nothing of it. The more we hung out together, he hid his drinking really well. It wasn't until months in our relationship that I saw him drink more. I guess it didn't bother me because he was fun and outgoing when he drank. I never thought it was a problem.
Then there were times when I would question how bad it was. He always needed to drink. When we would go out to lunch in the afternoon, he would order a glass of wine. Or two. Or three. Sometimes before his shift as a bartender. Then it became where I would have to pick him up from some place because he drank too much. Or sometimes he would have me drive him to work.
I look after him when he drinks because sometimes I am afraid of what he will do to himself. He has fallen many times and forgets a lot of things. Recently, he got a doctor to prescribe him sleeping pills because he can't sleep well. Really he cannot sleep well because he drinks so much. The combination of the alcohol and sleeping pills is horrible, and he kinda hallucinates. I worry about him a lot.
He has never been physically abusive to me in anyway, but he often says some mean things to me. There are times when I am the love of his life and he wants to marry me. Then there are others times I am ****** and a stalker and crazy girlfriend. Then the next morning, he will give a crappy apology saying he is sorry. He thinks I make stuff up so sometimes he believes he never said any of it because he thinks he is not that type of person. I cannot count the times he has apologized to me.
He drinks every single night at least 3 22oz. beers., often 4 or 5. Sometimes he will throw back a whole 12-pack, and it is not just the light stuff. It is the beer with 8.1% ABV. Even just today, he said he decided to start drinking this morning because he felt like crap and was stressed out. I ended up driving over his house to take him to work. The problem is that he knows I cannot say no to him. I have no spine and I cannot stand up for myself. Sometimes I fear when I do say no to him, he will just find someone else who will do it for him.
I really don't know what to do anymore. A lot of this has made me really insecure with myself. Right now, he is at a bar with his friends. I wonder what he is doing or who else he can be with. When he gets home, he is going to drink even more. But to him, he thinks he can stop whenever he wants and that alcohol has no hold on him. I want to help him and be there for him, but I know I am at a point in my life that I need to do what is best for me. I just don't know how to go about it.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
The best thing for you? Well is it staying? I mean, don't you owe it to yourself to be healthy? No one should have to "take care" of anyone else when they are addicted. But you know what? I did it for years, so don't be down on yourself. I understamd your pain, my ExAH made me feel insugnificant when he was drinking, hell even when he wasn't, he was just mean, he scared me. But I kept making excuses up for him, for me it took him endangering one of our children, that did it for me, I kick him out that day, no questions asked, just get out. I'm not sure what your breaking point will be, but I'm glad you are here and looking for answers. There are many wise people here and we all welcome you.
P.S
Get to Allanon, you may find you love it, I did!
P.S
Get to Allanon, you may find you love it, I did!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Is this how you dreamed your life would be? Are you happy? Is this what you want with the man you dream of sharing your life with? Is this how you see a healthy adult relationship? If you marry and have children, is this what you dreamed of as the ideal family?
Just what is it you are getting out of this relationship? What is it you find so lovable in this man? Why do you think this is the best you deserve for giving your love to someone?
Just what is it you are getting out of this relationship? What is it you find so lovable in this man? Why do you think this is the best you deserve for giving your love to someone?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
[QUOTE]A lot of my friends are unaware of my situation because I don't feel comfortable talking about it. It is hard to find someone who understands what I am going through. QUOTE]
When I used to say things like that it was because I didn’t want to hear the truth. I didn’t want to hear anyone tell me to leave so if I didn’t tell my friends or family I wouldn’t have to hear what I wasn’t ready to face doing.
Through someone else’s addiction I learned about my own codependency. It may be worth looking into your own codependency and learn why that is keeping you in an unhealthy relationship. Why it keeps you from talking to those that care the most about you, family and friends. Why you feel this great need to take care of him at the cost of your own well being.
You also said that you have a fear that if you do tell him no he will find someone else.
How about trying to think that YOU will find someone else, someone who is fully available to you, someone who is not already having a love affair with their addiction!
When I used to say things like that it was because I didn’t want to hear the truth. I didn’t want to hear anyone tell me to leave so if I didn’t tell my friends or family I wouldn’t have to hear what I wasn’t ready to face doing.
Through someone else’s addiction I learned about my own codependency. It may be worth looking into your own codependency and learn why that is keeping you in an unhealthy relationship. Why it keeps you from talking to those that care the most about you, family and friends. Why you feel this great need to take care of him at the cost of your own well being.
You also said that you have a fear that if you do tell him no he will find someone else.
How about trying to think that YOU will find someone else, someone who is fully available to you, someone who is not already having a love affair with their addiction!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 4
I just wanted to thank all of you that replied. You gave me a lot of insight, and the things I needed to hear. I took him to work again today, but it was for the last time.
So many people have told me I deserve better, and I know I do. I guess I have been too weak to move on. Once I tried breaking up, and he said I couldn't go through with it. He was absolutely right. It is never easy going through the situation no matter what the circumstances. I am afraid of being alone, and I hung on to him hoping he would change. I haven't had the strong support system I need to move on from him and get out of the unhealthy relationship. But I have finally come to my breaking point.
I found out today he went out with a stripper the other night who he told his friends was his new stripper gf. I guess that is what I really needed to move on. It is sad it had to end that way but it just proves I was his enabler.
I will definitely look into co-dependency because I think you are probably right.
Thanks again...
So many people have told me I deserve better, and I know I do. I guess I have been too weak to move on. Once I tried breaking up, and he said I couldn't go through with it. He was absolutely right. It is never easy going through the situation no matter what the circumstances. I am afraid of being alone, and I hung on to him hoping he would change. I haven't had the strong support system I need to move on from him and get out of the unhealthy relationship. But I have finally come to my breaking point.
I found out today he went out with a stripper the other night who he told his friends was his new stripper gf. I guess that is what I really needed to move on. It is sad it had to end that way but it just proves I was his enabler.
I will definitely look into co-dependency because I think you are probably right.
Thanks again...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by niceandsloow 
I will definitely look into co-dependency because I think you are probably right.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by niceandsloow
The problem is that he knows I cannot say no to him. I have no spine and I cannot stand up for myself. Sometimes I fear when I do say no to him, he will just find someone else who will do it for him.
I really don't know what to do anymore. A lot of this has made me really insecure with myself.... I want to help him and be there for him, but I know I am at a point in my life that I need to do what is best for me. I just don't know how to go about it.
I really don't know what to do anymore. A lot of this has made me really insecure with myself.... I want to help him and be there for him, but I know I am at a point in my life that I need to do what is best for me. I just don't know how to go about it.
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