Quse56

So here I am, back again, for about the 20th time. Not sure there's any hope for me out there, or in here. I've done half the steps, a bunch of times, never completed them. Got almost a year once.... but that was 5 years ago. And I haven't been able to string together anything more than a few months. I spend weeks/months out there, get tired, come back, get angry, go out, etc.
Is there any hope for me? I fear that things will have to get horrificly bad for me to find the willingness. I am out of faith. I need to know that sober life is a happy life and that it is worth it. I die inside every time I come to. I burn inside every time I can't check out. I have a small child. I cannot let this happen anymore. The shame of wanting to use/drink even when I don't want to use/drink is torture. 2 rehabs and a million white chips and my grace has yet to run out. How do I find faith again? Please help.

Fubarcdn

All I can say is welcome. I can't help with the faith issue. I am just atarting out myself for too many times that I can't really remember them.
I am a lot more serious this time and did a lot of soul searching.
The biggest regret I have from my drinking days is the time I took away from my children. They are grown adults now and I can't get the joy of that back. Don't make that same mistake.
You can do this if you truly want to in your heart.
Good luck.

doorknob

Welcome, Quse56!

I'm only 4 months sober (this time around), but here are a couple of websites that I've found helpful:

Welcome to LifeRing

SMART Recovery® - Introduction

DK

nickishine

As long as you draw breath....There IS HOPE for YOU!

Doorknob sent me a paddle to use to spank my bottom with. You can borrow/use it too! It's on the "soap box" thread I started.

There IS hope, darlin'.... and it takes what it takes, K? You can do this, just NOT alone!

:ghug

doorknob

It got removed, Nicki. Guess my humor is over the top even when I'm sober... I guess I'll have to use it on myself now...

nickishine

Whoooops! Be careful usin' that thing cuz of the splinters!

Anna

Guys, we have a Newcomer here who is clearly in pain.

Let's try to focus!!!


Welcome Quse,

I am so glad you posted.

I can feel your pain and helplessness and I know I felt the same thing when my life was falling apart. It's absolutely scary. But, know that you can do this and we are here to offer support.

stellaloella

Quse, welcome. I know it feels incredibly shameful to feel a strong desire to drink even when you don't. It's not a reflection that you're a bad person -- you're addicted! I don't know if I can offer any real insight into how to find your faith, but I do look to my uncle and grandfather as inspirations since they did overcome their alcohol addictions both with and without AA. I am trying to replace my negative thinking with thoughts about how I want to be here in the summertime, running through the grass with my shoes off. Just stuff like that. It may sound cheesy but it helps me focus on something other than the extremely dark clouds in my life. (It doesn't help that I live in gloomy Seattle). Sometimes I force myself to smile at people and just say hi to people with a friendly look, or ask them how their day's going. These kinds of things make me feel better at times, even if it doesn't seem genuine at first. Best wishes.

HideorSeek

There are a lot of people here who will do anything and everything to help you, but you need to be here for the magic to happen. Have FAITH IN THE PEOPLE HERE if you can't find faith elsewhere for the time being. They will carry you until you can stand by yourself. I promise. It's happened to me and many, many others. Have faith in that.

grateful2b

Welcome, Quse,
I am glad you found us..
please keep reading and posting
there is always hope...

Quse56

Thanks to all. The sad thing is, I don't know how serious I am. The last time around I kept going to meetings but still drank on the side trying to find some ridiculous "balance" of recovery and... whatever (such BS, I know). I have crossed over lots of bridges that are hard to come back from. I know sober life is a choice, and I have to have the willingness to change everything. I don't know where that willingness is, and it scares me that it is barely there. I suppose I have to pray for it. It's like I have already given up inside and have been prepared to go on to the bitter end..... It helps to think about what I want from life. Energy, and love, and friends who care, and peace... there's only one place I know to get that.

flutter

Welcome Quse

Maybe try something new this time.. if what you're doing isn't working, mix it up! There's lots of ways to get and stay sober, course most of that is up to you and your hard work.

When you're ready..

Quse56

Wow. so glad I re-read this... even 3 months later things have changed. Thank God for the hand of AA that is always out. I will keep coming back!

1_day@_a_time

GREAT to hear from you!!!

In your old post you stated: "I fear that things will have to get horrificly bad for me to find the willingness."

Since you have experience with AA, I suggest you carefully read Step 1 in the 12 x 12.

It clearly points out several things, admiting complete defeat, acceptance, humility, hitting bottom (emotionally too) etc.

Each time I read Step 1, I learn more and more. I've probably read it 50 times......again, great you are here!!!

CarolD

Welcome back ....and what good news you have....
for you and your child.
Congratulations......

Quse56

Thanks! I will do just that! I love the 12 and 12 this time around... Its really great.

Tazman53

Welcome back Quse, sounds like you found your crossroads! Good job on taking ahold of the hand of AA this go around!

tyler

Welcome back. I am living proof, as are many around here, that no matter how many times you stumble and fall, there are many around to help lift you up...if you let them. Sounds like you are doing much better, and that, of course, is a great thing!!

yankees24

I may be too new to give you advice as i only have 8 days but I know what you mean..Ive never been able to get more than 90 days, and that was forced upon me by the court system. As for your bottom, not all of us have one. Ive arrested handfuls of times, laid in a hospital bed from choking on my own vomit, and none of these seemed to wake me up. For some of us bottom is death, and if you have a child who needs you, i hope that you can come to the realization that even if you cant find a reason inside yourself right now to get your **** together, look in that childs eyes and than re think your whole situation. I myself have two alcoholic parents and i dont have to tell you, it does not make anything in life any easier.

1_day@_a_time

Yankees24:

IN THE PAST Ive never been able to get more than 90 days

Re-read it this way & see how it changes EVERYTHING!!!