Struggling so much.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 19
Struggling so much.....
Yesterday I posted about my sister who is close to death from the disease. I said I am through with intervening and haven't changed my mind about this but I am feeling so much pain right now. I want to tell her I love her but I can't bear the contact again (she is abusive).
I'm trying to stay strong and read and respond to posts to help me through this grief. I just feel like curling up in a ball.
My job is that of professional "helper" to others and it feels so hard to do right now. The only saving grace is that by helping others I am distracted from my own drama. I am grateful for that.
Any thoughts and prayers sent my way would be greatly appreciated.
I'm trying to stay strong and read and respond to posts to help me through this grief. I just feel like curling up in a ball.
My job is that of professional "helper" to others and it feels so hard to do right now. The only saving grace is that by helping others I am distracted from my own drama. I am grateful for that.
Any thoughts and prayers sent my way would be greatly appreciated.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Luka -- I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. It's such a difficult disease to watch. It sounds like you have made some boundaries for yourself and that is very healthy.
I'm a crisis counsellor in a sexual assault centre (us codies like the helping roles!!) and I know how difficult it can be to help other people when you are a mess yourself. But as someone who is in the field, I also know that I have to take care of myself to help others. Part of that is being here, I'm glad you are.
I often try to think of what I would tell someone sitting in my office who came to me with "my story". It's often easier for me to have empathy for someone else other than myself (I'm working on that because I certainly deserve the empathy as well!!). I often imagine what I would tell my young daughters if they were in my position or my friends, clients.
I want to tell her I love her but I can't bear the contact again (she is abusive).
It so hard when those we love so much are abusive. It's so confusing and painful. Can you write how you feel to her in a letter? I know it's not the same as face to face but sometimes, when I write letters, I can say what I need to say without having to face any kind of confrontation. Of course, you don't have to send the letter -- I have even done things like tie a rock around it and through it in the water, mail it to myself or burn it with sweet grass. Rituals can be very empowering.
We are all here for you, I'm thinking of you and praying for your sister. Take care of yourself Luka.
Laurie
I'm a crisis counsellor in a sexual assault centre (us codies like the helping roles!!) and I know how difficult it can be to help other people when you are a mess yourself. But as someone who is in the field, I also know that I have to take care of myself to help others. Part of that is being here, I'm glad you are.
I often try to think of what I would tell someone sitting in my office who came to me with "my story". It's often easier for me to have empathy for someone else other than myself (I'm working on that because I certainly deserve the empathy as well!!). I often imagine what I would tell my young daughters if they were in my position or my friends, clients.
I want to tell her I love her but I can't bear the contact again (she is abusive).
It so hard when those we love so much are abusive. It's so confusing and painful. Can you write how you feel to her in a letter? I know it's not the same as face to face but sometimes, when I write letters, I can say what I need to say without having to face any kind of confrontation. Of course, you don't have to send the letter -- I have even done things like tie a rock around it and through it in the water, mail it to myself or burn it with sweet grass. Rituals can be very empowering.
We are all here for you, I'm thinking of you and praying for your sister. Take care of yourself Luka.
Laurie
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 19
Timetogo,
Thank you so much for your reply it has helped me a lot. I often think of the same things as you -i.e. what would my clients think of my story, what would I say to someone in my position, etc. One thing I thought of today was that I am lucky in the sense that my clients are coming to me because they wantto be helped (unlike my sister thus far). I'm grateful I can help them and in the process I am helped myself.
I am so glad that you responded to me. I was really needing to hear from someone at this time. thank you so much for your words and thoughts.
Thank you so much for your reply it has helped me a lot. I often think of the same things as you -i.e. what would my clients think of my story, what would I say to someone in my position, etc. One thing I thought of today was that I am lucky in the sense that my clients are coming to me because they wantto be helped (unlike my sister thus far). I'm grateful I can help them and in the process I am helped myself.
I am so glad that you responded to me. I was really needing to hear from someone at this time. thank you so much for your words and thoughts.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling! :ghug
I like the suggestion of writing a letter too. Doing that has been very cathartic for me, and I didn't send any of the letters, but burned them afterwards.
Thinking of you and keeping you and your sister in my prayers. :ghug
I like the suggestion of writing a letter too. Doing that has been very cathartic for me, and I didn't send any of the letters, but burned them afterwards.
Thinking of you and keeping you and your sister in my prayers. :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 19
Thanks Freedom,
Yes, I have sent a letter a few weeks ago. I doubt she read it though as she is too sick to do much of anything but drink(if that makes sense?) But that's o.k. - I said what I felt, including that I love her and that is what matters.
I do believe that when souls pass they get a sense of the "bigger picture". A healthy version of my sister would have no doubt that I love her so this is what I hold in my heart.
I am so glad that I found this site.
:praying:praying
Yes, I have sent a letter a few weeks ago. I doubt she read it though as she is too sick to do much of anything but drink(if that makes sense?) But that's o.k. - I said what I felt, including that I love her and that is what matters.
I do believe that when souls pass they get a sense of the "bigger picture". A healthy version of my sister would have no doubt that I love her so this is what I hold in my heart.
I am so glad that I found this site.
:praying:praying
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Luka ((hugs))
I would like to take out a magic wand and take your hurt away. Surrender is a hard lesson.
My exAH bf is also in deep denial. I am sure nowadays he drinks way more than before and surrounds himself with other drinkers. My ex turned verbally abusive while drunk. Those scars will take a lot of time to heal in my heart. He hurt me a lot and insulted me. These days I am learning that everything he ever told me, was in reality what he thinks of HIMSELF. I did nothing. I was just his mirror, and he could not handle the truth, so he projected in me what he does not want to see in himself.
Abuse is abuse, and you have done nothing to deserve it. You are very strong in distancing yourself.
We love them, but we need to love ourselves more.
Are you going to therapy yourself? Are you in a spiritual path or believe in God/HP? That has been very important to me, knowing alcoholics are in God's hands. Only God can help them. Our job is to take care of ourselves.
Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone.
I am thinking of you.
I would like to take out a magic wand and take your hurt away. Surrender is a hard lesson.
My exAH bf is also in deep denial. I am sure nowadays he drinks way more than before and surrounds himself with other drinkers. My ex turned verbally abusive while drunk. Those scars will take a lot of time to heal in my heart. He hurt me a lot and insulted me. These days I am learning that everything he ever told me, was in reality what he thinks of HIMSELF. I did nothing. I was just his mirror, and he could not handle the truth, so he projected in me what he does not want to see in himself.
Abuse is abuse, and you have done nothing to deserve it. You are very strong in distancing yourself.
We love them, but we need to love ourselves more.
Are you going to therapy yourself? Are you in a spiritual path or believe in God/HP? That has been very important to me, knowing alcoholics are in God's hands. Only God can help them. Our job is to take care of ourselves.
Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone.
I am thinking of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Luka,
I didn't think my sister read my letter either, and it bothered me at times.
I later found out it was one of the few possessions she had with her when she died many months later.
And even if it isn't so for your sister, I do believe in a higher journey we're all on, and personally feel that your love will help her along on the next stage of hers, whatever that might be.
I didn't think my sister read my letter either, and it bothered me at times.
I later found out it was one of the few possessions she had with her when she died many months later.
And even if it isn't so for your sister, I do believe in a higher journey we're all on, and personally feel that your love will help her along on the next stage of hers, whatever that might be.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
:ghug3 Happy belated birthday!!
I am glad you took care of yourself. Why not make it a daily gift? After all, waking up every day is not very different from a rebirth.
The Very Gift of Life, yet it goes unnoticed, hardly acknowledged and taken for granted....
:praying
I am glad you took care of yourself. Why not make it a daily gift? After all, waking up every day is not very different from a rebirth.
The Very Gift of Life, yet it goes unnoticed, hardly acknowledged and taken for granted....
:praying
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