Help...I'm being tested
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Help...I'm being tested
Last night I told AH that I wanted to go to an AA meeting this morning as my sponsor had suggested (she said go to 6 of them). Out of nowhere, he demanded that I go to AA with him instead, not only to this particular meeting, but all 6 of them. When I asked why, he said, "It's a matter of trust. That's all you need to know."
He went on for half an hour about himself, his new job, his "success" and how I had better not throw him any "curveballs" now that I'm going to Al-Anon and have a sponsor. I think looking back that he was buzzed. He was borderline aggressive about the whole thing.
I know that he is seeing changes in me and is starting to feel threatened and like he's losing some control over me. He said, "Your sponsor is not more important than your husband." I said, in one of the few times I spoke, "But you are not more important than my recovery." He insisted that because I go to Al-Anon for "him," that I should have no problem going to AA with him.
I was thinking last night that he is starting to shrink in my eyes. He is losing his power as I find mine. I just watched and listened last night and could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. It felt totally wrong. But now, do I have the strength to do what I know is right? Do I get up, by myself, and go to that meeting on my own without him?
I would be grateful for advice or support (or both) on this one.
He went on for half an hour about himself, his new job, his "success" and how I had better not throw him any "curveballs" now that I'm going to Al-Anon and have a sponsor. I think looking back that he was buzzed. He was borderline aggressive about the whole thing.
I know that he is seeing changes in me and is starting to feel threatened and like he's losing some control over me. He said, "Your sponsor is not more important than your husband." I said, in one of the few times I spoke, "But you are not more important than my recovery." He insisted that because I go to Al-Anon for "him," that I should have no problem going to AA with him.
I was thinking last night that he is starting to shrink in my eyes. He is losing his power as I find mine. I just watched and listened last night and could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. It felt totally wrong. But now, do I have the strength to do what I know is right? Do I get up, by myself, and go to that meeting on my own without him?
I would be grateful for advice or support (or both) on this one.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
you are a big girl. sometimes we see the A as the tin god. his shrinking in your eyes is a good sign. try the serenity prayer.
personally, i have a saying written on my bathroom mirror. came from a yoga instructor...relax and rejoice and all things will come to you!!! helps me relax immediately and i feel a different flow of energy -a positive energy. sometimes i think the true test is how many things in life (especially our drama queen addicts) are just distractions to keep us from really feeling the positive flow of life energy we have available to us at any time. they hate it when we have our serenity. go do what you need to do for yourself. and tell him there is an old AA saying - "if it is good for the family (you) it is good for the alcoholic"
personally, i have a saying written on my bathroom mirror. came from a yoga instructor...relax and rejoice and all things will come to you!!! helps me relax immediately and i feel a different flow of energy -a positive energy. sometimes i think the true test is how many things in life (especially our drama queen addicts) are just distractions to keep us from really feeling the positive flow of life energy we have available to us at any time. they hate it when we have our serenity. go do what you need to do for yourself. and tell him there is an old AA saying - "if it is good for the family (you) it is good for the alcoholic"
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
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Hi twinnie...
Well.. if I were in your position I would ask myself what feels more comfortable for ME and my recovery. If you would feel more comfortable attending an AA meeting without him, if you think you would get more out of it without him, then go without him.
It sounds to me like he is a little threatened. But your recovery is your recovery. Think of it this way: when he started attending AA you didn't demand to tag along did you? You respected that his recovery was his and not yours.
I am planning on attending an AA meeting myself. I think that, for me, I would feel much better about going to meetings at which my A was not in attendance. I'm fortunate I suppose that me and my A have broken up.. lol. But even if we hadn't I wouldn't want to go to a meeting with him. That being said, I have had him having an almost p'ing contest about recovery. I think no matter what the situation, together or not, there is probably an element of being threatened when an A see the person who was previously in an unhealthy place get healthy. That's not to say that he would not want the best for you. But maybe he is seeing the changes in you and getting worried where they may lead. But as always, that is his choice to get worried and act it out...yours is how you react.
xxx
Well.. if I were in your position I would ask myself what feels more comfortable for ME and my recovery. If you would feel more comfortable attending an AA meeting without him, if you think you would get more out of it without him, then go without him.
It sounds to me like he is a little threatened. But your recovery is your recovery. Think of it this way: when he started attending AA you didn't demand to tag along did you? You respected that his recovery was his and not yours.
I am planning on attending an AA meeting myself. I think that, for me, I would feel much better about going to meetings at which my A was not in attendance. I'm fortunate I suppose that me and my A have broken up.. lol. But even if we hadn't I wouldn't want to go to a meeting with him. That being said, I have had him having an almost p'ing contest about recovery. I think no matter what the situation, together or not, there is probably an element of being threatened when an A see the person who was previously in an unhealthy place get healthy. That's not to say that he would not want the best for you. But maybe he is seeing the changes in you and getting worried where they may lead. But as always, that is his choice to get worried and act it out...yours is how you react.
xxx
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Yes, I would totally not feel comfortable sharing in a meeting where AH was with me, and I really don't see how he would either.
This is a total power struggle, and he has been at this WAY longer than me.
This is a total power struggle, and he has been at this WAY longer than me.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
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Originally Posted by Glenna9802 
Yes, I would totally not feel comfortable sharing in a meeting where AH was with me, and I really don't see how he would either.
This is a total power struggle, and he has been at this WAY longer than me.
This is a total power struggle, and he has been at this WAY longer than me.
Apparently it isn't that uncommon. One thing someone said to me about it was that it can come out of feeling scared and out of control. They said that when their OH went into recovery they also felt a little threatened and.. jealous.. yeah jealous.. that their OH might do recovery 'better' than them.. wake up.. realise that they don't want to be with him anymore and leave. Also they said that when time came they wanted to attend AA, it was like 'ah-ha' something I can have some control over in this... I can take her to mine and I know who will be there and what she is likely to see. It was all about the secret world of the AA attendee and controlling what she saw (or didn't see).
One thing that I remember my A saying is that it is very difficult for him to let people 'see' the 'real' him... and that part of that is an A. Maybe that could be something to do with it too.
That said... this is your recovery... you can try and understand what on earth is going on in their heads but ultimately you have to do what is right for you. Even if he isn't capable of supporting that.
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I could totally see by his behavior that he felt threatened and afraid of losing his control over me. I have to go to this meeting by myself. Even if I shake and cry and stammer when telling him I'm going to do it, I have to do it for my own sake.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Testing sounds about right. My STXAH did the same thing to me. I agree, they feel threatened in that they know if WE change, they will not be able to keep on their "merry way" in their addiction. Things might get tough for them. Thus, the line "better not throw him any "curveballs" is a true indictation (in my opinion) that he does not want anything different from you then he is used too.
It is your decision as to what you want to do. You do what is best for YOU and your recovery.
It is your decision as to what you want to do. You do what is best for YOU and your recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm late in the conversation so I will say that I hope you went to your meeting by yourself. The fact that you were able to back away from him emotionally during his attempt to control the situation is a sign of your recovery. Good for you!
Isn't it surprising the stuff that we get sucked into? When you can step back and look at it for what it really is, it's a wonder we ever fell for it in the first place!
I am concerned about the threat he made about throwing him "curveballs." It sounds to me like he's loading himself for bear and anything that doesn't fit with what he wants is going to be a rightful target.
That kind of BS chaps my bum.
I believe this is one of the pitfalls of going through recovery while still living with an A. My ABF is actively using and the combined focus on my recovery and keeping on my toes to not get sucked in by him is exhausting at times. Every step forward for me seems to throw him for a loop in one way or another.
Good luck today! Stay centered.
Alice
Isn't it surprising the stuff that we get sucked into? When you can step back and look at it for what it really is, it's a wonder we ever fell for it in the first place!
I am concerned about the threat he made about throwing him "curveballs." It sounds to me like he's loading himself for bear and anything that doesn't fit with what he wants is going to be a rightful target.
That kind of BS chaps my bum.
I believe this is one of the pitfalls of going through recovery while still living with an A. My ABF is actively using and the combined focus on my recovery and keeping on my toes to not get sucked in by him is exhausting at times. Every step forward for me seems to throw him for a loop in one way or another.
Good luck today! Stay centered.
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
....re: your update.....good for you, going to the meeting.....
From your OP....: "...I know that he is seeing changes in me and is starting to feel threatened and like he's losing some control over me. He said, "Your sponsor is not more important than your husband." I said, in one of the few times I spoke, "But you are not more important than my recovery." He insisted that because I go to Al-Anon for "him," that I should have no problem going to AA with him..."
Like others have said here.....it certainly does sound like 'control' issues along with jealousy and perhaps a bit of fear (feeling threatened)....all from him. One thing in this last paragraph did concern me tho...............:
"...He insisted that because I go to Al-Anon for "him," that I should have no problem going to AA with him..."..."
I hope he is wrong, that you're going to Al-Anon for YOU and NOT for him; yes he's the 'A' but this is YOUR recovery, and all your----going to your Al-Anon meetings and checking out some AA meetings----these should all be for YOU, and for nobody else. It's good for F&F folks to check out AA meetings (and like others have said here, better to go to meetings where your 'A' is not----just from my own ES&H; only a suggestion tho); you can get an idea what your 'A' is facing, and you can also see some folks in recovery.....sort of seeing that there can be hope, and a light at the end of the tunnel.....
You just keep on doing things for YOU, and you can't go wrong...... (o:
NoelleR
From your OP....: "...I know that he is seeing changes in me and is starting to feel threatened and like he's losing some control over me. He said, "Your sponsor is not more important than your husband." I said, in one of the few times I spoke, "But you are not more important than my recovery." He insisted that because I go to Al-Anon for "him," that I should have no problem going to AA with him..."
Like others have said here.....it certainly does sound like 'control' issues along with jealousy and perhaps a bit of fear (feeling threatened)....all from him. One thing in this last paragraph did concern me tho...............:
"...He insisted that because I go to Al-Anon for "him," that I should have no problem going to AA with him..."..."
I hope he is wrong, that you're going to Al-Anon for YOU and NOT for him; yes he's the 'A' but this is YOUR recovery, and all your----going to your Al-Anon meetings and checking out some AA meetings----these should all be for YOU, and for nobody else. It's good for F&F folks to check out AA meetings (and like others have said here, better to go to meetings where your 'A' is not----just from my own ES&H; only a suggestion tho); you can get an idea what your 'A' is facing, and you can also see some folks in recovery.....sort of seeing that there can be hope, and a light at the end of the tunnel.....
You just keep on doing things for YOU, and you can't go wrong...... (o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Way to go, lady. Late seeing this post, but I'm so happy your inner strength carried you to your meeting.
Yes, and this is a problem for a lot of abusers....this is where the manipulation and the power struggle starts. But you have the power within you to win that struggle, or at the very least to say, "I'm not going to play that game with you."
Do what you have to do for your own recovery. His "obedient little wife" (as you've put it) is busy saving her own life right now.
He is losing his power as I find mine.
Do what you have to do for your own recovery. His "obedient little wife" (as you've put it) is busy saving her own life right now.
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