guess I just didn't belong.....
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
guess I just didn't belong.....
Hello all.....
i used to post here, awhile back...and been lurking ever since....
I found myself in chat tonight, and was talking about things, a long time member came in, glanced at the chat, sent a post of Shiver, and left immediately, and honestly, that helped me feel like garbage...I admit, I am an alcoholic, wishing to change, who comes here every darned day, ready stories of inspiration, experience, hope and sobriety, and keep coming everyday....
my long story short? was a 26 ounce bottle of whisker drinker a day, and did at least couple hundred dollars a day in coke and crack....i haven't touched coke or crack for well over a year now, i honestly did lose everything....as for the hard stuff? gave that up....but not entirely, just mostly...No, i dont drink hard stuff anymore....Was I wrong in the chat room to relate my story that in fact i know i have a problem still with alcohol, but honestly just do about 3 nights per week with maybe 2 beers or 2 glasses of wine? i know its not about continued drinking...i know its about sobriety...but really, is it so bad to admit that yes, I still have recurring relapses? that shiver sent make me totally feel like nothing worthy, and honestly, i am trying...was what i said self justification? i admitted i have still problems...not problems about blacking out, not problems with wanting to quit, just problems about cutting down from 3 nights per week to nothing...but believe me, i had HUGE problems before, and i didn't expect a pat on the back, sincerely...i was just being honest.....i am trying...but that whole Shiver thing? made me feel like, how judgemental can some people be...rather than talk about it, sign out..and this isn't from a newbie...I dont know, maybe i am hopeless...honestly, made me feel once again completely unworthy...This isn't a pity thread...i just think maybe i should just keep lurking, reading on ESH, and not participate...:wtf2
i used to post here, awhile back...and been lurking ever since....
I found myself in chat tonight, and was talking about things, a long time member came in, glanced at the chat, sent a post of Shiver, and left immediately, and honestly, that helped me feel like garbage...I admit, I am an alcoholic, wishing to change, who comes here every darned day, ready stories of inspiration, experience, hope and sobriety, and keep coming everyday....
my long story short? was a 26 ounce bottle of whisker drinker a day, and did at least couple hundred dollars a day in coke and crack....i haven't touched coke or crack for well over a year now, i honestly did lose everything....as for the hard stuff? gave that up....but not entirely, just mostly...No, i dont drink hard stuff anymore....Was I wrong in the chat room to relate my story that in fact i know i have a problem still with alcohol, but honestly just do about 3 nights per week with maybe 2 beers or 2 glasses of wine? i know its not about continued drinking...i know its about sobriety...but really, is it so bad to admit that yes, I still have recurring relapses? that shiver sent make me totally feel like nothing worthy, and honestly, i am trying...was what i said self justification? i admitted i have still problems...not problems about blacking out, not problems with wanting to quit, just problems about cutting down from 3 nights per week to nothing...but believe me, i had HUGE problems before, and i didn't expect a pat on the back, sincerely...i was just being honest.....i am trying...but that whole Shiver thing? made me feel like, how judgemental can some people be...rather than talk about it, sign out..and this isn't from a newbie...I dont know, maybe i am hopeless...honestly, made me feel once again completely unworthy...This isn't a pity thread...i just think maybe i should just keep lurking, reading on ESH, and not participate...:wtf2
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I'm sorry you had a bad time in chat. I don't 'do' chat so I have no idea what goes on in there. I do know it is possible to stop drinking altogether. You are not hopeless, just need to be kinder to yourself. Give yourself one day sober - today - and just don't drink today. You can do this.
:ghug3 Welcome back!
:ghug3 Welcome back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
i go a few days sober, no problem...i honestly am trying, i really am....felt pretty good before coming into the chat, thought it might help talking to others in chat about things....i dont get wasted anymore, and honestly feel drugs are in my past, like i learned my lesson...just simply didn't need to feel less than a person by that shudder and quick exit....okay, i still do a bit of alcohol, and i honestly believe, a bit is too much....but honesty should still be accepted, shouldn't it? yes, i want to change....yes, i know a little is too much, yes, i know its a very slippery slope to going back to who and what i was....yes, i acknowledge all that..i know that...but people rejoice when someone is sober for a day here...i honestly felt ostrasized, repugnant, and a failure...i have quit the hardest part, struggling with that last part, and honestly? felt i just wanted to go out and get a big bottle of booze after that reaction......isn't it that we can come in here with the want to quit, not just if we quit?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
just as an addendum.....i have a new place, got finally a new car...this is for a 411 only....i know i have a problem...I do have a new girlfriend, she doesn't drink at all, and has never done drugs...she is gorgeous, smart and funny...we play a lot of backgammon.....i asked her recently, do you think I have a drinking problem? she said, no....not at all...but honestly? do normal people even have to ask this? i know where i came from....I know i have a problem, even if it appears to me i have it in hand....i know that...wanting to change? yep, am there...I am proud that i haven't touched any other drugs for a year...i didn't need a pat on the back....i am stronger than that...just have dealt with being kicked in the balls my whole life, and when a long time sober person came into chat, said SHUDDER, and left? just another rejection...honestly, i would have expected more...just another reason I dont like AA...there is so much self righteous, pompous, condescending people there...like yes, you dragged yourself out of the gutter, so why the hell cant you? thats not a helping hand at all, just another person spitting on us
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
losteverything,
Do you know a shudder was directed at you? I certainly hope not. Sometimes I am overly sensitive and take things personally that have nothing to do with me. I hope this is the case.
Love,
Lenina
Do you know a shudder was directed at you? I certainly hope not. Sometimes I am overly sensitive and take things personally that have nothing to do with me. I hope this is the case.
Love,
Lenina
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Oh NO YOU DON'T!!!
We NEED you here! This is where we let loose, our good with the bad and have others relate to us...... Cuz really, who else can?
I loved your post....! Albeit, sad! I relate so much and know that ground you're stepping on right now!
Just think.... I'm holding your hand crossing that alley, K? One alkie/addict talkin' and bein' there for another! That's what it's ALL about, my friend!
You're not alone!!!!! Hugs...HUGE!:ghug3:ghug3:ghug3
We NEED you here! This is where we let loose, our good with the bad and have others relate to us...... Cuz really, who else can?
I loved your post....! Albeit, sad! I relate so much and know that ground you're stepping on right now!
Just think.... I'm holding your hand crossing that alley, K? One alkie/addict talkin' and bein' there for another! That's what it's ALL about, my friend!
You're not alone!!!!! Hugs...HUGE!:ghug3:ghug3:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
lenina...
no, honestly, i dont know that shudder or shiver was directed at me, and perhaps i am too sensitive...but i have read this old timer to recovery's posts, and respected them, and thought, great, someone who can actually add experience, hope and strength to the conversation..and they shudder and leave? made me honestly feel like any new comers weren't welcome...like you had to have tonnes of time in to even be there...HELLO? we are here because we want to change, make our lives better, and need help.....i got that same feeling from any AA meetings i went to, and believe me, i did go to them sober, not reeking of alcohol....l felt like these people went through vietnam, and no one else could relate to how much they suffered, and then overcame...
no, honestly, i dont know that shudder or shiver was directed at me, and perhaps i am too sensitive...but i have read this old timer to recovery's posts, and respected them, and thought, great, someone who can actually add experience, hope and strength to the conversation..and they shudder and leave? made me honestly feel like any new comers weren't welcome...like you had to have tonnes of time in to even be there...HELLO? we are here because we want to change, make our lives better, and need help.....i got that same feeling from any AA meetings i went to, and believe me, i did go to them sober, not reeking of alcohol....l felt like these people went through vietnam, and no one else could relate to how much they suffered, and then overcame...
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Just like Least I don't do chat here and after what you just experienced I probably neve will. I doubt if you would be treated that way on the main board here. We have had people come to the newbie section clearly intoxicated and they were treated with respect and compassion.Although everyone is entitled to their opinion there is never any reason to be rude and disrespectful of anyone else so on behalf of all the like minded, caring, compassionate people here I apologize for the rudeness of one and hope you keep sharing on the board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
nickishine....your posts are one of my favourites, thanks.....i need help.....i am going to counselling, i am regaining my life back, my job loves me again...honestly, thanks....i am not really a junkie anymore...i just constantly relapse into alcohol, but not anywhere where i was..i just need that 2 every couple days...i honestly wish i didn't, but thats where i am....wish i never picked up anything. I have faith i will beat it...it wont come tomorrow...or maybe it will...but at least I am honestly trying to beat it down.....i just get yearnings every couple days or so....i never buy a big bottle anymore..(i know, yay for me, loser) and never get wasted...its one day each day closer to sobriety..and i do want that, need that, have to have it...just, dont judge me, just try to help, please?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I don't do Chat either....but
perhaps the member who "shivered" and quickly left
make a mistake with the icon...did not mean to offend
so left in embarrassment.
Hope you do decide to stay here with us...
You have come a long way....your experiences are valuable.
Sorry you are upset.
perhaps the member who "shivered" and quickly left
make a mistake with the icon...did not mean to offend
so left in embarrassment.
Hope you do decide to stay here with us...
You have come a long way....your experiences are valuable.
Sorry you are upset.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
thanks yeah and carol
i have to say, i am here every day..that says something about me....i respect both your opinions....i am working with a counsellor...she is really go..we are doing intensive therapy, it will take about 5 more sessions to complete....she doesn't feel that i am actually alcoholic..that i just mask things about my growing up..and it might be true, who knows..she is doing a type of new therapy, its about rapid eye movement, and targetting vulnerable things, expsosing it, and working through it...will see...i know i am done with coke, been there, lost my life and lost my been there, done that t shirt through that too....like i said, i can do a few days, weeks, withouth a drink..Carol, i know you say total abstinence, no alcohol, i know that......i want that, i dont have any tremours, bad nights whatever, wish i could do no alcohol, guess i just want to be normal....but Buddhas honest truth? a few days, and i just want a few..can stop there, so maybe i am in denial, but i dont say i am not an alcoholic...i just want normalcy....i wont ever take any other drug again, in fact it was offered, and it disgusted me...i dont do crazy things anymore...but i know......its such a friggin slippery slope..AA isn't for me, i honestly tried, it just made me, i dont know, uncomfortable, that hand holding thing, reading out of a book thingy...i dont mean to offend, just made me feel uncomfortable..that, and alot of those(i have no right to even judge, i know its wrong) but alot of those there? made me very uneasy....I am alcoholic, i admit it....I am...just help a little, and please, can i keep posting here?
i have to say, i am here every day..that says something about me....i respect both your opinions....i am working with a counsellor...she is really go..we are doing intensive therapy, it will take about 5 more sessions to complete....she doesn't feel that i am actually alcoholic..that i just mask things about my growing up..and it might be true, who knows..she is doing a type of new therapy, its about rapid eye movement, and targetting vulnerable things, expsosing it, and working through it...will see...i know i am done with coke, been there, lost my life and lost my been there, done that t shirt through that too....like i said, i can do a few days, weeks, withouth a drink..Carol, i know you say total abstinence, no alcohol, i know that......i want that, i dont have any tremours, bad nights whatever, wish i could do no alcohol, guess i just want to be normal....but Buddhas honest truth? a few days, and i just want a few..can stop there, so maybe i am in denial, but i dont say i am not an alcoholic...i just want normalcy....i wont ever take any other drug again, in fact it was offered, and it disgusted me...i dont do crazy things anymore...but i know......its such a friggin slippery slope..AA isn't for me, i honestly tried, it just made me, i dont know, uncomfortable, that hand holding thing, reading out of a book thingy...i dont mean to offend, just made me feel uncomfortable..that, and alot of those(i have no right to even judge, i know its wrong) but alot of those there? made me very uneasy....I am alcoholic, i admit it....I am...just help a little, and please, can i keep posting here?
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just as an addendum again: i struggle kind of, not really hard, but do make it through say, 4 nights in a row, then break down and have a few..i know, its progressive....it was a lot worse before, so i know i am alcoholic...i dont want a pat on the back...i need some advice on the whole stinkin thinkin thing....i keep convincing myself i dont need alcohol, but there it is...
just to let you all know, and admit it? i sincerely dont like myself much, have nothing to be proud of(please, dont say i do, yes, i improved, but anyone can)...and have huge self loathing...alcohol helps that...counselling does too...but waking up? cripes, sometimes, i go to bed honestly hoping never to wake up...( i wont kill myself, my children love me)
just to let you all know, and admit it? i sincerely dont like myself much, have nothing to be proud of(please, dont say i do, yes, i improved, but anyone can)...and have huge self loathing...alcohol helps that...counselling does too...but waking up? cripes, sometimes, i go to bed honestly hoping never to wake up...( i wont kill myself, my children love me)
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
losteverything,
Of course you can keep posting here! And please keep reading too!
If you know you're an alcoholic, what are you doing to not drink any more? There are other programs for sobriety here. I think all of them recommend abstaining from alcohol.
If you are worried about the withdrawals, please consider a detox plan.
Love,
Lenina
Of course you can keep posting here! And please keep reading too!
If you know you're an alcoholic, what are you doing to not drink any more? There are other programs for sobriety here. I think all of them recommend abstaining from alcohol.
If you are worried about the withdrawals, please consider a detox plan.
Love,
Lenina
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Originally Posted by losteverything 
nickishine....your posts are one of my favourites, thanks.....i need help.....i am going to counselling, i am regaining my life back, my job loves me again...honestly, thanks....i am not really a junkie anymore...i just constantly relapse into alcohol, but not anywhere where i was..i just need that 2 every couple days...i honestly wish i didn't, but thats where i am....wish i never picked up anything. I have faith i will beat it...it wont come tomorrow...or maybe it will...but at least I am honestly trying to beat it down.....i just get yearnings every couple days or so....i never buy a big bottle anymore..(i know, yay for me, loser) and never get wasted...its one day each day closer to sobriety..and i do want that, need that, have to have it...just, dont judge me, just try to help, please?
You said it!!! "you constanly relapse into alcohol"....
Although right now, you may be "managing" your drink intake, etc..... The truth, and I don't say than lightly, is IT GETS WORSE!!!!!!!
YOU are NOT a LOSER! You're an alkie! You're smart and deserving of a REAL life!
I DO NOT JUDGE YOU! Who am I to judge???? I'm an alcoholic suffering from a seemingly impossible state of mind!!!!! I am here for YOU.... I am here for ME!!!! I didn't set my life out to be an alkie, you didn't either.... But here we are TOGETHER.... I am glad you and me are right here, right now, and on the same page cuz we can't get any closer, yay?????
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Once again..... FRIEND..... Thinkin' of YOU!... cuz YOU DA Bomb!!!! Maybe you don't know it yet.... but I do! Let me have enough HOPE and FAITH for the BOTH of US TODAY.....K????!!!
:ghug3
:ghug3
:ghug3
:ghug3 member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Hi Losteverything 
I use the chatroom quite often. The "regulars" there are supportive, and I find the scheduled moderated chats very helpful. I'm a bit mystified by the situation you describe. Have you tried contacting the member in question via PM? I would encourage you to do so, just in case it was some sort of misunderstanding. The chatroom crowd tends to be very friendly; some SR members who barely post in the forums devote many hours to welcoming and trying to guide newcomers in the chatroom.
In any case, maybe you could drop by again at some point? Please don't allow one unfortunate circumstance rule out your use of the chatroom; it might just turn out to be one more invaluable tool for your recovery.
Take care of yourself, keep posting
I use the chatroom quite often. The "regulars" there are supportive, and I find the scheduled moderated chats very helpful. I'm a bit mystified by the situation you describe. Have you tried contacting the member in question via PM? I would encourage you to do so, just in case it was some sort of misunderstanding. The chatroom crowd tends to be very friendly; some SR members who barely post in the forums devote many hours to welcoming and trying to guide newcomers in the chatroom.
In any case, maybe you could drop by again at some point? Please don't allow one unfortunate circumstance rule out your use of the chatroom; it might just turn out to be one more invaluable tool for your recovery.
Take care of yourself, keep posting
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 87
losteverything, from my perspective it sounds like you are doing pretty good. I realize why drinking in moderation can be bad, but at this point in time you are not letting it be bad. If it progresses and you start binge drinking, then you will be in a bad spot. If you can continue drinking in moderation, then that seems pretty good to me.
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