Ago

I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it


I see this stated daily, but sometimes I think it doesn't sink in all the way.

I say, "yeah, but......" or "If only this, then that"

I am an alcoholic, a sober one, but an alcoholic, and this one still trips even me up when it comes to "friends and family", as such I also participate in the alcoholic forums a few forums up from this one. I got sober to "save" a relationship that subsequently "failed" anyway, a few years after I got sober.

Turned out the problem wasn't in fact my drinking, but simply we weren't compatible, the focus being on my drinking masked that small problem for many years. (not that my drinking wasn't a problem, it just didn't have anything to do with the fact we didn't like each other very much)

Tazman posted a thread down there, entitled http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...u-come-aa.html

with a poll

Went on my own. 19 55.88%
Went because of what I read on SR (or other board). 1 2.94%
Went because a friend suggested it or took me. 6 17.65%
Went because a rehab or detox suggested it. 8 23.53%
Went because I was court ordered. 1 2.94%

I read the responses and while I have heard this all a million times something struck me in this poll.

Not one person got sober for a wife, or a husband, or a job, or to save their relationships with their children.

The closest to that was A few got sober through interventions (my experience with interventions is quite often they work a few years after the fact with teenagers, I have seen that literally hundreds of times in meetings) but the overwhelming majority got sober because THEY were done.

When you give an alcoholic a ride, you extend their drinking, when you sleep with one, you extend their drinking, when you pay their fines, you extend their drinking, whenever you enable an alcoholic to protect him/her from the repercussions of their own actions, you extend their drinking.


Alcoholics don't get sober for "you" they get sober for them, if they even do get sober, and it's my experience they certainly don't get sober as long as they have someone following them around cleaning up their messes.

Alcoholics get sober when nothing else works, when everything else stops working but getting sober.

Worth reading the thread

MissFixit

Ago,

There is a new show on one of the cable channels called ?? "Ax Men." Have not watched it but saw the commercial and thought of you. I think it is about extreme logging/wildfire put out/cutting down massive trees. The commercial reminded me of your logging photos.

Miss

escape artist

maybe so, my problem is they either hide it so well, or i am in 'denial'. by the time i realize they are "alcoholic" i am enmeshed in a relationship that starts to suck the life out of me.
and they have learned to 'hook' me to stay.

i am working on it though.

Barbara52

Thank you for pointing this out. I know I've seen it here a nubmer of times, said in different words but this fact is so important for us F&F folks to understand. And internalize. And believe.

Lilyflower

mmm, there are no buts when it comes to the 3 C's, they are an undeniable fact; just one that can be incredibly difficult to digest. Once I did life become rosy and my choices a lot clearer.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

freya

...and not only did I not cause it, can I not cure it, and can I not control it, but it is actually unloving and disrespectful on the addict/alcoholic and my HP for me to try.

It's not just that I am wasting my time and spinnig my wheels and ignoring things I could actually be doing something about -- like my own recovery -- but, by by trying to take responsibility for and control of another human being's life and choices (assuming that human being is not my dependent child), I am insulting that person and HP.

Looking at it from that perspective makes it a lot easier for me to let it go.

freya

TakingCharge999

THANKS freya.. your insight helps me a great deal, I will give it more thought today

cmc

Thank you Ago, I'm going to read that thread.

I learned by going to many, many meetings in the rooms of AA and NA and hearing the same stories over and over. Itit finally sunk in, that the most loving thing I could do was to let go; and in doing that stop sending the message that the other person is not capable. I learned in Al-Anon that I do this primarily for _ME_ and secondly out of respect for others.

LaTeeDa

Sent to me in email today from a friend (who also happens to be a therapist):

What's the difference between a pitbull and a codependent?











The pitbull knows when to let go!

L

Daisy30

so true!




This is such a great message! I just might make it my siggy

CatsPajamas

I think my understanding of the 3 C's was clarified when I was dealing with a child who was spinning out of control. I realized that he had some important life lessons to learn, and they were NOT from me. By coming here to SR, I realized that the best and most loving thing I could do for him was to get out of the way so that he could experience the joy of his own consequences. I even learned that I could love someone right into his grave if I didn't allow him that dignity.

Ago

Told this joke last night in a situationally appropriate time and was able to be helpful and funny at the same time.

Great joke.