What becomes of them?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
What becomes of them?
I know most of my brother's problems stem from his own choices. But it seems like life has a habit of kicking him when he's down. He relapsed last September, after 3 1/2 years sober. He went back into treatment for 30 days, and when he came out he found that the job he had been assured would be waiting for him ... wasn't. And his employer claimed he wasn't fired, so he was denied unemployment benefits. He cashed in his 401K and has been living on that while trying to stay sober and find another job. He's 52 years old, without a college degree, trying to find work in an economy where there aren't any jobs out there. He's eligible for food stamps, but not housing assistance.
My mother, sister and I have had limited contact with him since he got out of treatment (he relapsed twice within a week of getting out, and we had to distance ourselves from him for our own sanity). I believe he's been working his program since and has people around him who are supporting him in his recovery. But as his money runs out and his situation becomes more desperate, I find myself increasingly anxious about what will happen to him. I don't have the financial resources to support him. I have visions of him living in his car or under a bridge somewhere.
I'm worried about what can happen when people become so desperate, and feel so helpless. Advice?
My mother, sister and I have had limited contact with him since he got out of treatment (he relapsed twice within a week of getting out, and we had to distance ourselves from him for our own sanity). I believe he's been working his program since and has people around him who are supporting him in his recovery. But as his money runs out and his situation becomes more desperate, I find myself increasingly anxious about what will happen to him. I don't have the financial resources to support him. I have visions of him living in his car or under a bridge somewhere.
I'm worried about what can happen when people become so desperate, and feel so helpless. Advice?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 159
My H is now living in his van in a truckstop. He is alcoholic and crack addict and that is where his choices have landed him. I can't do anything about his choices and how he decides to live his life. I only have control of mine and my reactions. A couple of weeks ago when I took him his state refund check and he spent the whole thing on crack and booze ($570). Then called me yesterday wanting to know if he could borrow $2.50 to wash his clothes. Unbelievable!!!!!!!!
It is very hard to watch them live like that but again it's their choice. When he gets tired of living like that hopefully he will do something about it. I've been feeling a little bad cause it's really cold here right now but I'm letting go and getting out of the way so I don't get dragged dowm with him. We have been married 17 yrs. now so know the drill, the lies, and the manipulation that goes along with all the madness. As for mine I know he's miserable but it's his path to walk not mine. Keep your chin up and do what's good for you because he's gonna do whatever it is he wants to do no matter how you feel about it. Until they get sober and start working a program they can't even begin to understand what they've done to their families.
Hessie
It is very hard to watch them live like that but again it's their choice. When he gets tired of living like that hopefully he will do something about it. I've been feeling a little bad cause it's really cold here right now but I'm letting go and getting out of the way so I don't get dragged dowm with him. We have been married 17 yrs. now so know the drill, the lies, and the manipulation that goes along with all the madness. As for mine I know he's miserable but it's his path to walk not mine. Keep your chin up and do what's good for you because he's gonna do whatever it is he wants to do no matter how you feel about it. Until they get sober and start working a program they can't even begin to understand what they've done to their families.
Hessie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It is hard to watch anyone suffer the consequences of their choices, especially someone we care about.
There are still many programs out there for people who choose to remain sober, are willing to work hard, and are willing to take responsibility for themselves......I helped my sister find them and she took advantage of them. Until her next relapse, when she ruined all the work she'd done and landed on the streets again.
You can't control your brother's choices or his level of commitment to getting his life back on track. I wish I had some advice besides "tell him you love him, and say a prayer that he'll find his way." But unless you know something we don't, or unless you're willing to sacrifice your OWN life on the altar of his alcoholism, this is completely out of your hands.
I'm sorry. I know firsthand how much it hurts.
There are still many programs out there for people who choose to remain sober, are willing to work hard, and are willing to take responsibility for themselves......I helped my sister find them and she took advantage of them. Until her next relapse, when she ruined all the work she'd done and landed on the streets again.
You can't control your brother's choices or his level of commitment to getting his life back on track. I wish I had some advice besides "tell him you love him, and say a prayer that he'll find his way." But unless you know something we don't, or unless you're willing to sacrifice your OWN life on the altar of his alcoholism, this is completely out of your hands.
I'm sorry. I know firsthand how much it hurts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have had many periods of desperation and hard times during my recovery.
The bottom line was I wanted to stay clean/sober no matter what happened, and I did whatever it took to keep my recovery first and foremost.
The bottom line was I wanted to stay clean/sober no matter what happened, and I did whatever it took to keep my recovery first and foremost.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
The question should be...what becomes of YOU???
Hi O!
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. It is sad. M BF is an A. We've lived together for a year and a half. I didn't bother learning about the addiciton because "he wasn't really like that". Well, I was wrong. Addiction is addiction. Some just hide it better and are functional. That's how I got duped.
After being with the love of my life, my college boyfriend, whom I've wanted for a good 20 years, living with him for a bit over a year, I've learned so much about this world. They lie, they don't care, they don't care about themselves or you, just about their next drink. The problem is - you are capable of seeing the consequences. In their world, that part of the brain (I think it's the frontal lobe) is shut down and doesn't see consquences.
We, the loved ones, worry, cry, hope, try to get help, talk to them. Nothing works until THEY decide on their own to get help. So, in other words, there is nothing you can say or do to make him stop. It has to come from within. They may have to hit rock bottom, or maybe not. I read in a book that rock bottoms are different for everyone - it could be losing a job, it could be seeing a child cry, it could be hitting a spouse, it could be falling. One fear I have is when I ask my ABF to move out, he'll have nothing, too. He's 48, no pension, no savings, and works in a restaurant. He gave me $100 towards our expenses for March.
Listen to Freedom. And take everyone's advice here seriously. They've been through a lot. And they're loving, caring, compassionate people.
gotta go, he's back. Good luck.
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. It is sad. M BF is an A. We've lived together for a year and a half. I didn't bother learning about the addiciton because "he wasn't really like that". Well, I was wrong. Addiction is addiction. Some just hide it better and are functional. That's how I got duped.
After being with the love of my life, my college boyfriend, whom I've wanted for a good 20 years, living with him for a bit over a year, I've learned so much about this world. They lie, they don't care, they don't care about themselves or you, just about their next drink. The problem is - you are capable of seeing the consequences. In their world, that part of the brain (I think it's the frontal lobe) is shut down and doesn't see consquences.
We, the loved ones, worry, cry, hope, try to get help, talk to them. Nothing works until THEY decide on their own to get help. So, in other words, there is nothing you can say or do to make him stop. It has to come from within. They may have to hit rock bottom, or maybe not. I read in a book that rock bottoms are different for everyone - it could be losing a job, it could be seeing a child cry, it could be hitting a spouse, it could be falling. One fear I have is when I ask my ABF to move out, he'll have nothing, too. He's 48, no pension, no savings, and works in a restaurant. He gave me $100 towards our expenses for March.
Listen to Freedom. And take everyone's advice here seriously. They've been through a lot. And they're loving, caring, compassionate people.
gotta go, he's back. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 19
I know how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer. I hope your brother can use his misfortunes as a catalyst to move him more permanently into recovery. There is great solace to be found in turning things over to HP.
It truly is up to him how he deals with what life has dealt him.
Once his 401K money is gone he may qualify for public assistance until he gets back on his feet. It may not be pleasant but perhaps he could get a room in a boarding house to save money.
It truly is up to him how he deals with what life has dealt him.
Once his 401K money is gone he may qualify for public assistance until he gets back on his feet. It may not be pleasant but perhaps he could get a room in a boarding house to save money.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I believe he's been working his program since and has people around him who are supporting him in his recovery.
Do you think your brother is as worried about his money running out as you are? Do you think your brother worries bout living in his car or under a bridge? Hopefully he does and will do something to prevent that.
I know you love him but don’t carry his burden on your shoulders all that’s going to do is make you ill.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
