beaumawe

Hello-I read through these posts almost daily, but never posted before so I apologize if it gets to lengthy.

My AB & I have lived together for 6 years been through multiple recovery attempts, 3 hospitalizations & 1 court ordered committal 3 months ago.

Prior to the committal he was drinking 2 or more pints of Vodka a day straight from the bottle, when he went to the hospital at 9:30 in the am, his BA level was.298. I went to the courts looking for help because I truly believe he is going to die from drinking.

He went through detox & competed a 28 day program, came home & was working the steps, got a sponsor, attended AA daily. Of course I started to let my guard down after 60 days with no sign of relapse. About 2 weeks later, I noticed that he didn't go to his meeting or meet w/his sponsor, when I asked him he said that he had to finish a job he was on & he would go tomorrow, not to worry he had no intention of going back to drinking, he liked life sober.

At 78 days, he started drinking again. I tried to not to discourage him or get upset & reminded him that he could get right back on track the next day. Well that was 7 days ago and his drinking is escalating again.

I asked him this morning to try to put into words what is going on in his head that lead to this. Surprisingly he wrote a 2 pg letter on not being worth anything, drinking releaves the pain from his job, his families mental illnesses, etc... I tried to convince him to talk to his Dr. that his medications might need adjustments, but he is in this depression that he just says this is the life he is stuck with.

I tried to make a promise to myself when he was in rehab, that if he started drinking again I had to leave him as hard as it would be. But now I am wondering if I am bailing to soon, how do I get him sober again, what can I do to help him are the thoughts that I keep thinking.

One of the hard things for me is that when I met him, (and I know this sounds corny) but it was like a huge magnetic pull towards each other. We both felt it, and still do, it is like we have always been with each other. I have never felt something so strong for another person. I didn't realize that he was an alcoholic when I met him at that time he was functioning pretty well, but he has regressed so much in the past 6 years that he can barely hold down a job.

I feel like I am rambling and I apologize for that, I keep thinking to when he was in rehab and not in the house. I missed him, but a part of me soooo enjoyed the quiet, peacefulness in the house. Now my insides feel like a bundle of nerves not sure what I will come home to.

When do you decide that enough is enough? I want so badly to get off the merry go round that alcoholism brings, but in the same breath I can not imagine us not being together. i want to help him, but I don't know how much more I can take.

I know the decisions are mine to make, but I would sure appreciate any words of wisdom or just thoughts from anyone to this situation.

Thanks!
B

WLDKATZ

First and formost welcome to SR, I am sitting here trying to think of how to put this into words.......forgive me if it seems harsh.......you ARE NOT his mother you ARE NOT the law and you ARE NOT the one with the problem........saying that you need to know that the only one who will know when the time is right is you.......no one can make up your mind no one can make you feel differently than you do.......just as long as YOU dont let YOU fall to the side, dont deteriorate with him....ie making excuses for him, helping him get his "fix" that just enables him, have you asked him if he would like you to go to the drs with him..........make your self available with restrictions and let him know your serious.......do what you have to do to stay safe and stay happy with you, dont let yourself be dragged down with his problem because the only one who will be able to fix it is him......... good luck and god bless!


Pamm

beaumawe

In the last couple of years I think I really have worked on myself not to be caught up in his drinking drama. I used to run to pick him up from the bar whenever he would call, even if it meant leaving work, because I didn't want him to drive. Now he doesn't even bother calling because he knows I won't get him. It took a long time for me to realize that saying no to him was healthy for me.

I'm not willing to let myself go back to being that person, honestly I don't think I could go back to that.

I have heard from friends that when the time is right I will know, so maybe I just let things unroll the way they do. it's hard to do because I want him to want sobriety for himself as much as I want it for him. It is unimaginable for me to think about having to plan his funeral for something as stupid as drinking. I just don't get it

CatsPajamas

Hi and welcome! One of the first things I learned in Al Anon is the 3 C's:

I didn't cause it
I can't control it and
I can't cure it.

Just like you don't make him drink, you can't make him stop. There is no magic word or phrase you could use to make him "see the light" . Trust me, if there was, there would be no need for this site.

Most of us have struggled with your question "when will I know? When is "enough" enough?" All I can tell you is that in my case, I got better when I learned to set and maintain boundaries. Also, I had to make decisions and choices that were painful ~ yet they were about ME and what was good for me regardless of what my loved one did. My life improved tremendously when I started taking care of myself and detaching from my A. (and just so you know, I've had husbands, boyfriends and relatives who were A's, so I got to do all this more than once)

There is a lot of good reading here. You might want to check out the "stickies" at the top of the forum. Also, are there any good Al Anon meetings in your area? Al Anon saved my life - pure and simple.

Cats

LaTeeDa

I would bet that most, if not all, codependents feel that overwhelming attraction to their A's. I believe it is born of the psychological dysfunction that we both (A's and codependents) carry around with us. My friend Minnie once said "the horns on his head fit perfectly the holes in mine."

I remember feeling as if my husband and I were "meant to be." That, never again would I find someone who I felt so right with. I had no idea at the time that feeling was a symptom of my own issues.

L

beaumawe

Thank you all for responding, I have been reading alot of other posts and have more soul searching to do. I really thought I had some of the answers, but I think I am more confused than ever. I will keep reading, praying & trying to figure it out.