Crazy4Him

Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this. I have driven all of my true friends away trying to take care of this guy, this disease. All of his friends are heavy drinkers themselves and seem unconcerned with his relapse. I feel like I'm alone in the middle of the sea without a life vest, no one to help. I didn't listen to the insightful opinions on this board the first time, and I wish I had. Two weeks ago, my AXBF stopped drinking for a week, and I took that as a sign that he was in recovery, got back together with him and performed sexual acts with him that I was not at all ready for but wanted to make him happy (basically oral and manual stimulation). When he started drinking again the next day, it was when I realized what a truly sick person I am right now.

The worst part is that I work with him. I want to cut off all contact but how do I do that when I have to see him walking past my station every two minutes? (WE work in a restuarant) I am in so much pain and whenever I try to tell him he just tells me he is far from ok too. How do I move on in this situation? I have to see him every day! There is no chance to transfer to another area, nor do I want to. I love my job.

I dumped him a week again and told him that I no longer needed rides to work from him and begged him to just let me go. But every time we work together he still stops at my station every once in a while to chat. He seems completely oblivious to the fact that this is agony for me. I don't want to have any contact with him outside of the obligatory. So I wrote him a letter. Please anyone who has time read it. I need to vent to someone who I know will care, because he is a slave to his addiction and I've finally accepted that he is incapable.

The letter:

"I deleted all of your text messages, pictures and videos from my phone but I read a couple of the messages before I deleted them. One of them was from early December, a few days after you started drinking, again. IT said that you wanted the best for me and that it would be unfair for me to be there for you when you haven't been there for me. You said I shouldn't see you anymore. You were still early into you relapse and you still cared about me. The disease hadn't yet gotten it's claws into you deeply enough and you were trying to save me from the pain that you knew was coming my keeping your distance.

I didn't understand the disease back then so I insisted on helping a man who couldn't possibly be helped and would only hurt me in the end. You tried to warn me. You tried to stay away. You tried to protect me and I didn't even know it. You said this was a progressive disease and it is. It is progressing inside of you day by day, making you care less and less about yourself and the people around you. I can no longer stand around and watch you completely detatch yourself from life and me. But I can't quit my job, either.

We haven't spoken on the phone in a few days and I feel stronger, but to be truly happy and to truly get my life back on track I need to separate myself from this disease completely. I cannot change your disease I cannot control it, it is not my fault in any way. The only mistake I made was caring for you the way I did because I was never caring for YOU. I was caring for the thing I hate the most, the booze-- the disease. The pain is indescribable but I'm writing this letter to ask you to please cut off all contact with me. No phone calls, no texts, no conversations at my station. Nothing. I can't heal you, only myself, and I can't heal if we're talking all the time. I can't let the hurt and anger go on any longer. Maybe when I'M better, we can talk, again.

I remember the man you were without the disease. I love him and miss him. But I have to let him go. He is gone.

Please let me go.

You can call me or talk to me anytime when you are serious about sobriety and recovery, but no sooner.

I will miss you. I will always care, but I have to let you go."

OR I wrote this text but haven't sent it, yet.

"I want to thank you for not calling like I asked. I need to say that I think we should keep this up and not have any contact anymore beyond this text. Not calls, not texts, no conversations at my station. Nothing. It is the only way I can heal from this outside of quitting my job which I can't do. I have thought this through and am trying to take care of myself. I hope one day things can be different."

All I know is that I want this man out of my life. I just don't know how to do it when we work together. Any suggestions?

Trying so hard to be strong when all I want to do it talk to him. Even though I know that will just make it all worse. I want to be there for him when he is ready to recover, and I feel like that wont happen if I cut all ties. It's a risk I have to take, I guess. I can't see any other way. I feel so weak.

ItsmeAlice

I'm a bit torn in how to respond. On one hand I feel like you are trying to do the impossible-cut off ties with someone you have to see and communicate with in some way every day. How is that exactly supposed to work without it being decidedly awkward and complicated. You are drawn to him like any other addiction. This plan is like telling the addict he has to stop being an addict but he will have to sample his drug of choice every day just the same.

On the other hand, I see how continuing with calls, texts, and other friendly encounters only draws you in deeper and leaves you wanting more. You will never move on and recover from the hurt this relationship has caused you until you separate yourself from him.

To work with him every day will take a lot on your part, and it sounds from your letter that there is a lot you want him to do about it. (Don't call me, don't write me etc) He will probably still text you, probably still call you, and will probably find any excuse to talk to you at work. What are you going to do when this happens? How are you going to see the path in front of you in life if he continues to block your view?

Why don't you start by not perpetuating the contact and delete your letter. There's your no contact for you. He knows why you wouldn't want to talk to him. You don't need to explain yourself anymore than you have up until now.

tallulah

Firstly... thank you for sharing.. and have a hug :ghug3

I live with my A. Our relationship ended three weeks ago. So like you I'm confronted every day with this person. It is hard. I can't pretend it is easy.

The way I cope with it is to be 'normal' with him. Treat him like anyone else I know... a friend. In your case treat him like a co-worker like any other. It is easier said than done I know but in circumstances like these I think it is ok to fake it to make it. And it has got less heart wrenching every day.

Also I decided what my boundaries were and articulated them. I meant what I said and stuck by it. Say what you mean, just don't say it mean. It doesn't look like this guy is going to totally disappear from your life. Not unless you are thinking of a change of job in your plan. So you need to tell him what your boundaries are and you stick to them.

Crazy4Him

Thank you. I deleted the text and ripped up the letter. I think I only wanted to send it to get contact with him. To try to make him care. You're so right ItsMeAlice. I'm addicted to him and seeing him everday is like getting a tiny hit. How do I move on from that? I deleted the text and ripped up the letter. Like you said, no contact at all is what will get my point across best.

Tallulah it's only been a week but it's reasurring to know that it gets easier. That's all I want. I will try my best to take this approach and act unaffected even though I'm falling apart inside. I can only hope that I fake it so well that I wake up one morning and realize that I'm over it.

My worst nightmare is that he will start dating one of my co-workers. Then I will have to quit. I'll just have to.

I never realized how weak I am until I met this man. I wish I'd never met him. I don't want to cry anymore.

TakingCharge999

Hello Crazy4Him

I too was in your situation whereby we broke up and he kept on chatting with me as if nothing happened.

I talked to him and asked him not to contact me unless it was work-related.

So far he has honored my request. It was too painful for me to listen about his parties, travel plans etc etc.

Its been about 5 months that we broke up. These days I run into him and I act as if there was no one in his place.

Anyhow... I wanted to say that its POSSIBLE to feel great... even if you have to see him (he started seeing other person and brings her to the office.. etc etc) you need to focus on your JOB... it will get easier when he does not stop by to chat with you.

When I see him around I imagine he is the twin of my ex boyfriend, LOL someone totally different and that my ex who was caring, nice, etc. is dead. He too, when he was not that drunk, told me I did not deserve his verbal abuse and made me promise I was going to be happy - "even" without him.

Its been 5 months of sadness, anger, etc but right now as I learn more about myself and learn from my mistakes, him being around does not affect me as much, his life is becoming less important... a little bit less, day by day I am getting to indifference. It will take time and effort but it is possible, it has been hard of course, but when all this ends you are going to be and feel stronger, you are going to regain your own power and your happiness will be well protected inside your heart, regardless of what ANYONE does, thinks, acts, says, etc. you will be FREE and you will be enjoying this Very Important Lesson the rest of your life.

I did not want to focus on myself but now that I do I am realizing I like me very much, got a lot of good qualities and talents and my time is better spent doing other stuff, not trying to make an alcoholic in denial happy and then feeling frustrated, because I could never be and do not want to be that person that lives to get drunk and accepts disrespect and harm, that person he wants as a partner now. In fact he found her and sometimes I get angry but sometimes I get thankful God listened to me and is getting harmful people away from me.

I wanted to say you are not alone, if I am clinging my way out of this difficult situation you can do it too!!

:codiepolice

tallulah

It's early days. When me and my A split up for the first few days I was very similar. I was luckily in Al-Anon (just) and had a number of someone who when this happened I called. She said to me it's ok to fake it to make in in this instance. At first I set my boundaries and stuck to them even though every particle of me was screaming to either fall apart or cross them and let him cross them. But then it got easier.

It's not second nature yet and I haven't quite 'made it' but the faking it part is lessening and it is becoming more a part of how I conduct myself. It is easier. I haven't stopped loving him. I can't switch that off over night. But my emotions are no longer caught up in a storm where he is the eye and I'm getting flung around.

The hardest thing is not doing what you posted about doing. Writing explanatory letters, composing texts to send, looking at the phone and feeling the temptation to call. I haven't had that (because I'm still in proximity to him and see him every day) but if I ever get the urge to talk to him about my feelings which are coming out in recovery.. or should I say at him.. then I write it down. Just getting it out of me seems to help. Or, I get to an Al-Anon meeting or call someone.

It is hard. But it is not impossible.

LucyA

I had every intention of not posting here for a while, but this really hit home with me. NOTHING you do or say will make a difference, believe me it won't, not to him anyway. It might to you, but it wont to him. It isn't your fault, what's going on with him, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you certainly cant cure it. I know that now. I knew it before, but there was that little bit of denial that told me enough love would be enough. It isn't, if love cured alcoholism none of us would be here.

I'm going to tell you to get out now, if it means changing jobs, do it now, do whatever it takes to get yourself well. You can't do anything for him, only he can do that. If you love him, tell him that, but get out now if that's what it takes for you to recover.

Click my name and read my story, dont hurt like I do right now.
I wish you all the best.

Crazy4Him

Tallulah what kind of boundaries did you set and how did you go about setting them?

And if I DID want to take the road of having him stop talking to me, how would I do it if not by text? I will NOT talk to him on the phone. It ends it disaster every time.

Lucy A, I'm going to give it another couple of weeks. If it is still unbearable by the end of March, I will have to leave my job. I'll just have to. And it will break my heart that I let this man take away from me one of the few things that brings me any real joy.

Apart of me kind of hopes that he loses the job himself, since he's also a compulsive gambler and has taken out many loans to hides his mistakes from his friends and family. Sometimes I hope that he can't pay his rent at the end of the month and is forced to move back home with his parents, which has come very close to happening once before. When I write this all down and read it back to myself I cannot believe that I am the woman writing these things. He is a loser, and I let him destroy me. I can't believe it. I'm 22 years old. I know I can bounce back from this. I just wish I'd had more self respect. I wish I'd been smarter.

Crazy4Him

Lucy I read your story and I don't know what to say but thank you for taking the time to read my post and leave words at this time. Thank you so much.

lovtolaff

Please don't blame yourself...I think at one time or another, most all of us have made some pretty bad choices and it's not because we aren't "smart" - it's all part of life. We all have our own reasons for the decisions we make, some of those good, some of those bad...and we can learn from both.

I am an intelligent, attractive, outgoing and trusting woman and I lived in alcohol and crack hell for 2 years before CHOOSING to walk away from the man that I thought was "the one". I was in love and I had "hope" for us as a couple. He ripped my soul out and here I am 8 months later, still working on the "whys" of staying with him as long as I did. And yes I still ask myself sometime "how could you let that happen"?

Take what you have learned and apply it to your life...grow from it. Move forward....focus on you and what YOU want to do. Realize that you are indeed young and most certainly will bounce back - it will get better for you.

Barbara52

Find another job. You cannot go no contact with he man if you see him regularly. Take this opporunity to find a job that will suit you better, perhaps with more opportunites.

Go no contact. you don't have to tell him you are doing this. He'll figure i out when you don't answer the phone or text messages or emails or wahtever. Do it to give yourself the time and space you need to start dealing with your issues.

Deal with your issues. Post here. Try Alanon. Try therapy. Read every book you can get your hans on. Do some honest self examination and figure out why you are doing what you are doing.

You are in control of yourself, your actions, your behaviors,your choices. You can make your life better.

tallulah

He is no longer my partner in a romantic sense and so the boundaries are those of someone who is sharing a place with a room-mate. Everything from no using my stuff without asking to no reverting to the kind of lovey dovey talk we may have had as a couple. It feels weird sometimes and he sure as hell doesn't like it when I tell him he needs to leave the room because I'm going to bed or just even want some space to myself... but I'm firm and assertive when I say it and he gets it.

An example today was that I was having a little back pain and he was telling me to go to the doctor, going on and on about 'have you had painkillers', fussing like he used to in a concerned partner type way. I just firmly told him that I was dealing with it and it was nothing he had to be concerned about. So he carried on fussing for a bit and I again firmly repeated what I had said and added that my pain is my pain and I will deal with it accordingly. He didn't like that natch but it shut him up.. lol.

It's just thinking, what do I need to keep me safe and sane around this person and keeping your resolve to make sure they don't breach them.

In your case you are co-workers so you only have to deal with him when you are working together. Know your boundaries and let him know your boundaries. You don't have to write them down for him (he probably won't take them on board anyway) just let him know if he's poking a toe over the line and most importantly mean it.

Say one of your boundaries is when you are working you do not want him coming over and chatting with you whenever he gets a free minute. The first time he does it simply let him know that whilst you are not trying to cause any conflict or unnecessary drama at this time, under the circumstances you would prefer that he didn't come over to your station for a chat anymore.... or something to that effect. No need for long explanations. Be prepared to have to say it a few times because he will probably rail against it and test your boundary but if you stick with it he will get it. Rinse and repeat with any stuation.

It will kill you at first because you probably deep down want that contact, those conversations and for it to have a positive outcome.. but keep doing it and it does get easier.

Crazy4Him

It's amazing how well we all understand each other. That is exactly me. Someone once wrote on here "we all have the exact same stories. do alcoholics all read from the same script?!" I laughed out loud at that even though I was having an awful day that day.

It would be easier for me to text him saying to cut contact. When I am looking at him in person it is extremely hard for me to stay angry and say what I'm really feeling. In fact, when I'm with him I am actually not angry AT ALL, even though I know I should be. That is my problem.

tallulah

You are not alone. You're guaranteed to find at least one person who has experienced what you are.

If a text is easier for you then by all means do it. Just be prepared to have to look him in the eye with all the determination of a woman who is as defensive of her recovery as she was defensive of her relationship with him. He is an A...remember.. since when has he listened to you before. If you stay in his orbit of contact, you know you will have to keep driving this home until it clicks with him and that could be the first time or it could be the fiftieth time.

You don't have to be angry with him. You just need to detach. Let go of him, let go of your expectations of him, let go of the outcomes you expect from him... turn that attention to monitoring yourself and your reactions.

One thing I realised.. when I accepted that my life had become unmanageable and I was powerless over my A etc.. was that I don't have to do it alone. Powerless does not mean helpless. So, I got myself to Al-Anon. I got myself here. I got myself some support and understanding and some experiences.

If you can.. keep posting here.
And if you can... try and attend an Al-Anon meeting. It may not be for you but it costs nothing to see.

felicidade

Dear C4H,

I am very sorry that you have to have that kind of contact now. I would go no contact, Barbara52 style, if at all possible. No text/call/talk see/sigh or breathe in my direction. If I could, I would.

I must speak and see my XRAH at least 3X/week because of our children. And the 'Hit" of contact makes me lose my will to detach. I don't like being angry, but it has been a useful emotion to really move on. I only got into touch with my anger when he went with the kids on a trip for a week. No contact was shangri-la. seriously.

I think LTD once said (major paraphrasing) that where she once saw obstacles, she now had opportunties to explore options she had never considered. That has helped me when I had to decide what I truly wanted - peace or more torture.

Crazy4Him

I just got off the phone with my aunt because I was ready to cave and had to talk to SOMEONE I could trust. I was surprised to find out that my uncle (now her ex-husband) was an alcoholic, too. When I told her how angry I was and how I just wanted him to suffer like I was, she said she was proud of me for saying that. Not because it was vicious, but because I still liked myself enough to be angry. Which means I'm nothing like him. That hit me.

He called me twice today and I didn't answer. Then he texted me saying that he was on my side of town (there is no reason for him to be over here at all if not to see me) even though he lives very far from me and wanted to know if I wanted my clothes back since he was over here. At work on Sunday we agreed that he was going to bring me my clothes this Friday. I knew he was doing this to drag me back into his mess of a life, he has used my belongings as an excuse to come over after a break up more times than I can count. I fell for it every time too. Not today.

I didn't want to respond but I knew he would come over if I didn't. I just old him to leave the clothes with my co-worker tomorrow. Then he tried to ask me about my life and I shut him down. Texting him is actually not that hard on me. I can take that. It's the phone calls and the looking him in the eye that I cannot take.

I already feel a little stronger. Just gonna do it day by day I guess. Thanks all. :ghug

tallulah

Progress...not perfection. And the progress was picking up the phone to your aunt and talking, not picking up the phone to your A, not arranging for your A to 'pop over' and see you, not allowing your stuff to become a bargaining tool, not getting dragged into a conversation about your life that you probably know would end in an 'us' conversation.

He can't engage you in the dance if you don't let him. He'll still try to engage you but that you can't control. What you can control is your response to his invitation to 'dance'.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Whatever it takes. Baby steps are ok.. you don't have to run to your destination you can crawl.. main thing is moving forward.

:ghug

milenafk2009

Crazy4him

Keep in mind always that the most powerful word in the world is "NO"

My XAbf is simply not accepting that I have ended things. I too wanted to text or call or have a long drawn out conversation to explain to him what my boundaries were, to make him understand. Guess what, I realized it is futile. He keeps calling, I keep deleting messages. He showed up at a pub he knows my coworkers and I pop into after work the other night and tried to get me to go off from my friends to talk "about us". I simply kept repeating "NO" to him very calmly. Then, I walked away, grabbed my friends, left the pub and we all went to my friends flat instead...where he could not bother us.

If he begins speaking to you at work, you may just want to try looking him square in the eye, saying calmy, but forcefully "NO" and just walk away...it worked wonders for me the other night and felt terrific!!

TakingCharge999

Oh anvilhead that should have been very difficult.
I also played with the idea of leaving my job as I was miserable, everyone here knows that. Maybe its the meds now, because of course it still gets me to run into him, see his car, etc. but not like before...

But I also asked myself, I did not lie, abuse, got drunk, or hurt him. I certainly am not parading my conquests infront of him. Why would I have to leave?

In his shoes, it would be like bring a girl, f*** everything, then have her leave. I won't let his actions ruin my professional life as well. I worked hard for this position. Bringing bread to the table is the first thing I need to focus on.

It would be like giving him the Ultimate Power of my life. He is just the romantic part. Work is work, those are two separate things. Of course the emotional toll was high, but with inner work these can be turned into unfortunate circumstances... it will just take longer for the wounds to heal...

Then he will be like anyone else.

Just wanted to mention that seeing him at work is hard, its like the Prometheus myth... you heal outside and BAM the trigger again.. the daily vulture eating your guts!! then you go out, recover, to have the vulture come back again...

But its not an eternal torture, one day Hercules comes and frees Prometheus. Hercules being willpower and a commitment to recovery, dettachment, surrender, letting go, HP...

Not sure if I made any sense. But you are not alone

TakingCharge999

OK I just saw my ex laughing non-chalantly next to me.
I wanted to say something else. If you CAN, you may be saving a lot of grief moving to a different restaurant.... it is worth it, to consider your options !!
Breath Dreamer... remember.. he is not the same guy you met. He is another person.

This icon is for me:
:codiepolice