Can you live with someone who is using and still be true to yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Oceanport, NJ
Posts: 3
Can you live with someone who is using and still be true to yourself?
I struggle with this all of the time.
I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years now.
We met in college, and we both enjoyed sailing together before we got married, and both of those things involved lots of parties and drinking in our early 20's. We had lots of fun together.
Then we got married and had 2 beautiful daughters, who are now 5 and 8. What seems to have happened is that I don't need to drink and party to have fun anymore, but he still does.
He takes every Wednesday off in the Summer to clean our sailboat and get it ready to race with his friends every Wed. night. I won't go anymore, because it always turns out to be a drinking fest.
There have been several nights where he doesn't come home and just sleeps on the boat. I really resent when this happens.
We also have a bunch of neighbors where we live who don't have children and love to drag him into their drink fests. He just can't seem to say no.
He is always remorseful when this happens, but he always winds up doing it again.
I have been to Al-anon and counseling, and I even got him to go 2 times, but he insists that he can control it, and he says that he needs to drink because he is under so much money stress.
I used to believe this, but any stress he is under is HIS doing!!!
I am pretty good at detatchment, and I also stick to my boundaries pretty well, but I still get so angry sometimes when the same situation just perpetuates.
I am worried he will hurt himself or someone else. I always make sure that my daughters and I are safe.
He has never put us in any danger, and I always loving toward all of us.
Is it okay to stay with someone like this? I do love him when he is not drunk and acting like a fool.
Thanks for listening!
-Kathy
I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years now.
We met in college, and we both enjoyed sailing together before we got married, and both of those things involved lots of parties and drinking in our early 20's. We had lots of fun together.
Then we got married and had 2 beautiful daughters, who are now 5 and 8. What seems to have happened is that I don't need to drink and party to have fun anymore, but he still does.
He takes every Wednesday off in the Summer to clean our sailboat and get it ready to race with his friends every Wed. night. I won't go anymore, because it always turns out to be a drinking fest.
There have been several nights where he doesn't come home and just sleeps on the boat. I really resent when this happens.
We also have a bunch of neighbors where we live who don't have children and love to drag him into their drink fests. He just can't seem to say no.
He is always remorseful when this happens, but he always winds up doing it again.
I have been to Al-anon and counseling, and I even got him to go 2 times, but he insists that he can control it, and he says that he needs to drink because he is under so much money stress.
I used to believe this, but any stress he is under is HIS doing!!!
I am pretty good at detatchment, and I also stick to my boundaries pretty well, but I still get so angry sometimes when the same situation just perpetuates.
I am worried he will hurt himself or someone else. I always make sure that my daughters and I are safe.
He has never put us in any danger, and I always loving toward all of us.
Is it okay to stay with someone like this? I do love him when he is not drunk and acting like a fool.
Thanks for listening!
-Kathy
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Kathy
Welcome to the forums. I've been with mine for about 15 years now. I would say that my good out weighs the bad most of the when it comes towards him. I don't feel like I can just turn off my emotions and I do love him when he is sober. I don't like him very much when he is drinking.
I would think if you can live in this situation, detach and not be going crazy - then why wouldn't it be okay to stay. People think I am crazy but they don't live my life.
We just take it one day at a time and enjoy what we can. There is no law that says we can't change our mind down the road. But if you love him and are SAFE, and can put up with it and its what you choose to do, no one is going to say you are a fool.
It sounds like you know what you are doing. You've been to al-anon and if you keep going, you can learn to live a serene life. Take a look at the power posts at the top of anon forums. They are always helpful.
Again, welcome, and I hope to see you around the boards.
Hugs,
Debbie
Welcome to the forums. I've been with mine for about 15 years now. I would say that my good out weighs the bad most of the when it comes towards him. I don't feel like I can just turn off my emotions and I do love him when he is sober. I don't like him very much when he is drinking.
I would think if you can live in this situation, detach and not be going crazy - then why wouldn't it be okay to stay. People think I am crazy but they don't live my life.
We just take it one day at a time and enjoy what we can. There is no law that says we can't change our mind down the road. But if you love him and are SAFE, and can put up with it and its what you choose to do, no one is going to say you are a fool.
It sounds like you know what you are doing. You've been to al-anon and if you keep going, you can learn to live a serene life. Take a look at the power posts at the top of anon forums. They are always helpful.
Again, welcome, and I hope to see you around the boards.
Hugs,
Debbie
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
I hate to be a pessimist..............
Honest, I really don't want to discourage you,
but alcohol abuse/alcoholism is progressive.
As the years go by, the drinking person's personality, emotional, and mental health are changed by the alcohol.
They become more self-absorbed, and their view of reality becomes twisted so as to justify continuing drinking despite adverse consequences.
For many,many years, I thought my AH drank because of job stress. Then, when he retired, (no more stress, right?) the drinking got worse.
They drink because they CHOOSE to do it. It has nothing to do with job or family stress. All those excuses are the alcohol talking. When you hear him trying to justify his actions, it is the alcohol working on his brain to continue the cycle.
Take care of yourself and your children.
but alcohol abuse/alcoholism is progressive.
As the years go by, the drinking person's personality, emotional, and mental health are changed by the alcohol.
They become more self-absorbed, and their view of reality becomes twisted so as to justify continuing drinking despite adverse consequences.
For many,many years, I thought my AH drank because of job stress. Then, when he retired, (no more stress, right?) the drinking got worse.
They drink because they CHOOSE to do it. It has nothing to do with job or family stress. All those excuses are the alcohol talking. When you hear him trying to justify his actions, it is the alcohol working on his brain to continue the cycle.
Take care of yourself and your children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Oceanport, NJ
Posts: 3
Thanks Debbie,
It means a lot to know that I am not alone in my situation. I try to do everything in my power to not let it stress me out, and to let my girls know they can depend on me to be there for them no matter what.
They have seen some of his behavior, and they know what is going on. I can't believe that doesn't make him stop. But, who knows what does, right???
What is worse is the he had Gastric Bypass Surgery, lost 100lbs, and now he thinks he can drink nothing but wine. But he will drink a bottle in one sitting. I can't believe that he doesn't get a headache or a hang over. Just really, really, annoying and STUPID!
I refuse to talk to him when he is like this. It is like putting my brain through a meat grinder.
We went to a concert about a week ago, and he said he was going to the bathroom, and he swore he wasn't going to buy anymore wine, and he dissappeared. I was so worried, and later we found him in police custody. They wouldn't let him back into the concert unless someone came and got him. Boy was he embarrassed, but not embarrassed enough to make him stop.
I told him that if he is going to be drinking, then I will not be with him in those situations.
How I wish we could just go to dinner, have a glass of wine and go home without having to deal with all of this!!!!
BUT, he still is a responsible business man, a loving, generous husband and father, and a great friend. That is why it is so frustrating. It is like he has a split personality or something!
Oh well...One day at a time....
Hugs,
Kathy
It means a lot to know that I am not alone in my situation. I try to do everything in my power to not let it stress me out, and to let my girls know they can depend on me to be there for them no matter what.
They have seen some of his behavior, and they know what is going on. I can't believe that doesn't make him stop. But, who knows what does, right???
What is worse is the he had Gastric Bypass Surgery, lost 100lbs, and now he thinks he can drink nothing but wine. But he will drink a bottle in one sitting. I can't believe that he doesn't get a headache or a hang over. Just really, really, annoying and STUPID!
I refuse to talk to him when he is like this. It is like putting my brain through a meat grinder.
We went to a concert about a week ago, and he said he was going to the bathroom, and he swore he wasn't going to buy anymore wine, and he dissappeared. I was so worried, and later we found him in police custody. They wouldn't let him back into the concert unless someone came and got him. Boy was he embarrassed, but not embarrassed enough to make him stop.
I told him that if he is going to be drinking, then I will not be with him in those situations.
How I wish we could just go to dinner, have a glass of wine and go home without having to deal with all of this!!!!
BUT, he still is a responsible business man, a loving, generous husband and father, and a great friend. That is why it is so frustrating. It is like he has a split personality or something!
Oh well...One day at a time....
Hugs,
Kathy
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Never Easy
It is never easy to love someone and knowing that they can be so bad when they drink.
Well there are choices you have and you have to chose what is best for you. I chose to leave, best I could have ever done!
I agree, this will get worse over the years. You have children to think about. You will teach them by your behavior .
I don't know if you attend AlAnon if you do I think going to CODA would be something you want to look into.
I believe it is the co dependancy that keeps us with these dysfunctional men and allow all this abuse to happen to us.
So start taking care of yourself and join these groups so you can start healing and make better choices for yourself and your 2 children.
Good luck and God Bless!
Well there are choices you have and you have to chose what is best for you. I chose to leave, best I could have ever done!
I agree, this will get worse over the years. You have children to think about. You will teach them by your behavior .
I don't know if you attend AlAnon if you do I think going to CODA would be something you want to look into.
I believe it is the co dependancy that keeps us with these dysfunctional men and allow all this abuse to happen to us.
So start taking care of yourself and join these groups so you can start healing and make better choices for yourself and your 2 children.
Good luck and God Bless!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
KB,
You sound like a smart woman who has thought a lot about your situation. You also sound like you really love your husband.
If you do choose to stay with him, then I do recommend you make Al Anon meetings a regular part of your life because the disease IS progressive and will only get worse if your husband doesn't seek help and work a recovery program. That means your life will continue to be a rollercoaster with the dips and peaks only getting more severe.
In Al Anon you know they teach us that we must do what is best for us. And you also have children to think about which I know you are. Just remember that. It's not about him. It's about you and your children and what is best for you and them in the long run. Do you want them growing up in an alcoholic home? Don't think they are too young to not be noticing daddy's behavior. If there has already been one police situation, there will be more. That is, unless he is serious about wanting helping and getting it.
My heart goes out to you. And I really don't mean to sound harsh. I know how loving an A is even though my A is my daughter. We are so torn, I know.
So keep coming back and reading here and posting. There are those who have been down this road a lot farther than I and share such wisdom on this board. I have learned so much from them and make reading this site a part of daily life. It does help keep me sane in all this mess of a disease. Hopefully it can do the same for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
You sound like a smart woman who has thought a lot about your situation. You also sound like you really love your husband.
If you do choose to stay with him, then I do recommend you make Al Anon meetings a regular part of your life because the disease IS progressive and will only get worse if your husband doesn't seek help and work a recovery program. That means your life will continue to be a rollercoaster with the dips and peaks only getting more severe.
In Al Anon you know they teach us that we must do what is best for us. And you also have children to think about which I know you are. Just remember that. It's not about him. It's about you and your children and what is best for you and them in the long run. Do you want them growing up in an alcoholic home? Don't think they are too young to not be noticing daddy's behavior. If there has already been one police situation, there will be more. That is, unless he is serious about wanting helping and getting it.
My heart goes out to you. And I really don't mean to sound harsh. I know how loving an A is even though my A is my daughter. We are so torn, I know.
So keep coming back and reading here and posting. There are those who have been down this road a lot farther than I and share such wisdom on this board. I have learned so much from them and make reading this site a part of daily life. It does help keep me sane in all this mess of a disease. Hopefully it can do the same for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 4
I echo that it is progressive, after 16 years it amazes me how low it can go and yet there is no bottom as of yet. I left, remember be good to yourself, stay strong for yourself and your kids and live one day at a time!
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((HUGS KB))))))))
I can only share my experience, strength and hope; so here's where I am on this journey called life.
Experience: an adult child of A. parents
2 siblings who drink and use
immediate family loaded with drinkers
circle of friends some drink and some in recovery
Soooo that adds up to 60 plus years of living, loving, and learning...
My strength comes first from my Higher Power, then Al-Anon, then my family of supporters in recovery, then my immidate family..in that order....
I am survivor not a savior...Al-Anon had given me the tools I need to continue to stay in my marriage of 43 years whether he is drinking or not, simply because sober or not he is a kind, loving person who has never abused me....I know that some must leave a relationship in order to be safe....I have studied the diease of Alcoholism to the best of my abilities so I know the facts....
I choose to stay one day at a time....currently my AH isn't drinking but I am sure given the right situation he might start again...
There are no other members of my family in recovery at the moment but I believe that my H.P. has the whole road map for them as well as for you and I and nothing is impossible IF I get out of His way...
Today I go to Al-Anon for me...it has become a way of living life that I will not give up whether any one is drinking or not....Just as an A. can have slips so can I and I believe that unless I get healthy I'd just go out and find another A to love...After all I am a magnet for them...LOL
I hope that helps you ...Please continue with your recovery after all that is the most wonderful gift you can give your childern...
Love and prayers from one who cares...
I can only share my experience, strength and hope; so here's where I am on this journey called life.
Experience: an adult child of A. parents
2 siblings who drink and use
immediate family loaded with drinkers
circle of friends some drink and some in recovery
Soooo that adds up to 60 plus years of living, loving, and learning...
My strength comes first from my Higher Power, then Al-Anon, then my family of supporters in recovery, then my immidate family..in that order....
I am survivor not a savior...Al-Anon had given me the tools I need to continue to stay in my marriage of 43 years whether he is drinking or not, simply because sober or not he is a kind, loving person who has never abused me....I know that some must leave a relationship in order to be safe....I have studied the diease of Alcoholism to the best of my abilities so I know the facts....
I choose to stay one day at a time....currently my AH isn't drinking but I am sure given the right situation he might start again...
There are no other members of my family in recovery at the moment but I believe that my H.P. has the whole road map for them as well as for you and I and nothing is impossible IF I get out of His way...
Today I go to Al-Anon for me...it has become a way of living life that I will not give up whether any one is drinking or not....Just as an A. can have slips so can I and I believe that unless I get healthy I'd just go out and find another A to love...After all I am a magnet for them...LOL
I hope that helps you ...Please continue with your recovery after all that is the most wonderful gift you can give your childern...
Love and prayers from one who cares...
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
kb,
I too am married to an alcoholic and my experience is that he mellowed with age. He has always been a hard worker and loves me. But he has also made a total a$$ out of himself at times.
I. like Daffodil am married one day at a time and I have been working a program for many years. When I stop I slip. I am happy and greatful for all the good and I let him handle his goof ups. I meet my own needs for the most part and when he does something nice for me I appreciate it so much more because I don't expect it.
In the end it is your choice...
Hugs,
JT
I too am married to an alcoholic and my experience is that he mellowed with age. He has always been a hard worker and loves me. But he has also made a total a$$ out of himself at times.
I. like Daffodil am married one day at a time and I have been working a program for many years. When I stop I slip. I am happy and greatful for all the good and I let him handle his goof ups. I meet my own needs for the most part and when he does something nice for me I appreciate it so much more because I don't expect it.
In the end it is your choice...
Hugs,
JT
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