ChangeIsHard

.. and it didn't go we well as i had hoped.

I told him that i still have feelings for him and basically wanted to know where he was at.

He told me that it’s not like he’s “moved on” from me, but that he’s in a different place, that he’s trying to go through the program and is focusing on himself. Said that he feels like he has a negative impact on people and that it’s not good for me or anyone to be around him when he's like that. Says he recognizes his role and selfishness in our relationship, and said it was his fault. Told me I was an amazing person. Said he considered it a privilege that I still want him in my life. Suggested I should focus on the things that are making me happy in life. He’s not seeing anyone. Says he wants to hang out for coffees, etc. Said we could talk about it more if we wanted. Said he doesn’t talk to me about the program much – he would if I asked – but doesn’t want me to think of him as a good person just because he’s going to the program – he wants to BE a positive person outside of that and actually do the work. I started to cry a bit and apologized – he said it was okay and that it was emotional for him too.

i don't know - i feel as lost as ever. I don't know if i should move on or not. I want to know if theres a possibility of us being together and he can't answer that.

How do you cope with being apart from the person you love?

TakingCharge999

ChangeIsHard,

By resorting to God or HP. Honestly, the pain is too great for me. I cope by handing him to God. And handing him my pain and issues too, because they are unmanageable. I hand everything to HP and try my best to learn from my codependency because I won't endure this again. I am not a victim, I chose to be with an alcoholic. I need to fix that inside me so I do not end up with the same person but with a different body and name.

Acceptance is hard. If you love him, you will let him go. The start sucks, knowing you are parting ways... but it gets better day by day. Now I am glad I decided not to participate in his sad and destructive drinking career.

My ex said he would drink to his very last day.
A friend's uncle just died yesterday, looked 80, was 55. Much pain was endured by him and his family.

Eventhough your ex is seeking recovery he may or may not be in your life in the future. Your happiness should not depend on another person being in your life. My ex told me that. It hurt because its true.

Hugs and please hang in there. It is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.

suki44883

It sounds to me like he said all the things he should be saying at this point. He's concentrating on his sobriety as he should be. I'd back off and let him do what he needs to do right now.

LaTeeDa

In answer to your last question, you learn to love yourself.

As for the previous part, why do you need to know RIGHT NOW? What's the urgency?

I like his suggestion about doing the things that make you happy. What does "move on" mean to you? If it means going out and grabbing life with both hands and finding your joy, then yes you should--absolutely. Or maybe it means looking for another being outside yourself to fill the emptiness? If that's the case, then I would suggest some counseling and/or Alanon to find out just exactly what void in yourself you are trying to fill.

L

GiveLove

I'm sorry this didn't go the way you'd hoped. He seems to be trying to tell you he doesn't share your feelings, but he's being very diplomatic about it (just my sense of it, based on having heard all of those exact statements before)

I don't know what to say that would change the truth.....it appears that you're in love with him, but he doesn't feel the same way. I know that has to hurt a lot.

I don't think there's anything you can do to change that...his feelings are his feelings, as hurtful as they are to you. The question is whether you are in a place to put your life on hold by seeing him just as a friend, waiting and praying for him to change his mind?

I can only speak from my own life: I can no longer be in love with someone who isn't in love with me. It makes me feel like a twelve-year-old with a crush...ridiculous and controlled. Are you able to work on letting him go, to 1) allow your heart to heal and 2) find someone who feels the same way you do?

Take good care of yourself, changeishard....this is the hard stuff you're going through.

tallulah

You have to let go... think of the quote 'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.'

I don't mean letting go of wanting it to be ok and your relationship to rekindle and become something worthwhile and meaningful. I mean let go of trying to will it to or rather make it happen. It will only be futile and frustrating.

It's hard I know. :ghug

ChangeIsHard

Because I've waited a year for him already. If he knows that he doesn't want us to be together in the future than i would rather know now and start to shut down that fantasy/hope. Why couldn't he give me an answer? He did say that we could talk more about it if i wanted to.

Moving on for me doesn't mean necessarily finding another person. It just means not stewing over him. If i know he's not thinking along those lines, i can move on from him.
ugh

I really appreciate everyone's replies.

LaTeeDa

You don't have to stew over him. You don't have to wait for him to "set you free." You have the power to move on with your life any time you want. I'd say go for it!

L

tallulah

He can't give you an answer as to whether he wants to pursue a relationship with you at this time or ever. He might never give you an answer. So... bearing that in mind..that he is not going to give you any cues... What do you want?

I think my HP is working hard today because I'm seeing elements of my current situation in alot of threads. My situation is that I have an A in recovery that has told me that it is over as we are not good for each other and a week later is conflicted and then the day after just doesn't know.

What have I done? Dropped my end of the rope in the tug of love. That's not to say that with the right things in place I would not be willing to entertain some reconciliation. But what I have said, and said it because I mean it, that whilst he is 'hmmmm' and 'ahhhh' about whether he can 'do' us I am not standing still and waiting around... dangling like a puppet on a string. I'm getting on with me. That is the choice I make and the risk he takes: I can only be responsible for me.