felicidade

Hi all,

My XRAH just called me to say that he finally was offered a job - actually his dream job. (He's been unemployed since last December; and underemployed to the tune of $300/week since 2001).

I am extremely happy for him (and for me too because child support will increase; he may start actually paying our son's autism-related therapies).

But, after my initial cheerleading when he told me, I felt such a poignant heartache. I cried from deep place (surely self-pitying).

But I couldn't help but think and say (I admit it):

"I am so,so happy for you. You really deserve this. It's been a very long road for and all your hard work finally paying off. yay, yay."

and then... about ten minutes later in the same conversation, as he got into the details of travel and salary, it hit me:

"You got your dream - the one that I shared and worked towards - but I didn't get mine. In fact, I'm in a situation I never imagined for myself." ( I know - boo hoo - poor me)

But...

I spent 12 years on our shared dream too. I quit my job and went to grad school with him- to help him and also have a good time. We lived in Prague and Geneva. I found work for a major international organization. Our dream was this international life, where I could continue my work and he his, future children enjoying the bounty.

But, when school finished, he never really followed through. I changed careers after having my son, because he needed closer care than my heavy-travel work allowed and my XRAH wouldn't do it. I became a teacher (which I respect and love, but very little $) and supported entirely as he drank away. Then he left, and I really supported us (me + 2).

So, all this time later, he finally gets to have the international job, while I am so far out of my old career, I have no chance of ever getting back into it. (I was an development economist for an intl development bank)

And, I selfishly wanted him to beg me back - to move to Prague, to have the dream fulfilled.

Not..divorced mother of two, hs teacher who depends on extra tutoring jobs, and 2 extra summer jobs to make ends meet.

I know I sound incredibly immature and selfish. I just can't put into words all the pain I went through. You all know the pain anyways. And, no, I wouldn't go back to that. My recovery is ongoing. But so is his.

I know I am meant to be where I am. And I do feel grateful for my children and family and even my job.

It's like my shameful secret - he finally gets sober, gets the job after 12 years, off to the life I had dreamed of and worked towards - and I'm here, wanting to be with him and not wanted, still.

I just feel so incredibly flustered, frustrated and sad.

What should I do to put this in a perspective that helps me?

GiveLove

Felicidade,

I'm so sorry about the pain you're in. There is little anyone could say that would make everything "okay". But I wanted to ask you some questions, and maybe you could think about the answers before you decide they're dumb

When you look inside your heart and you see the dream you had for yourself, did you have it for YOU, or was the dream always about the TWO OF YOU ? If you were doing it on your own...would it be as good? Or does he have to be there?

When you say you can never ever have this dream -- can you say with 100% certainty that that's true? That no amount of support, planning, saving, vision, risk, and perseverence could ever make your dream of an international life come true? I am thinking of a close friend, a woman I met in Mexico who was also an economist - american - and whose two children were getting a magnificent global education by following their mother to different nations to work....does that scenario appeal to you at all? Or must XAH be in the picture too?

I had a good counselor who used to say, "What if I were to offer you $500.00 to sit down and design a plan for achieving your dream in your lifetime? Could you -- would you -- do it then?" (irritatingly, he also made the same offer if I could find the silver lining in a bad situation, and list five good things that could come of it. I so hated when he was right.)

I never had dreams as a child. They were beaten out of me. So I'm very big on them now that I'm an adult in recovery. I have learned that as long as my dream doesnt' involve changing someone else's choices, I can at least work my way toward it, or toward the part of it that I absolutely don't want to live without.

Don't give up.

And please let yourself feel what you feel. Let yourself breathe. The moments after a trauma like this are bound to be jagged...but your heart and mind are busy repackaging it even as we speak. For what it's worth, I would be sad and sick too....even though the "right feeling" might be cheerful supportiveness.

felicidade

GiveLove,

Thank you, truly. Instead of being turned off by my post, you turned toward it and helped me. I appreciate the lift off the pity-pot.

Your questions made me think so much about that "dream" and elicited such truth.

Initially, it was mine. When we met in Miami, I'd just come from living 4 years in Mexico and loved the travel/work. But, I was scared to do it on my own again. It had gotten too dangerous for me, and I felt I needed protection. That's the truth. Mercenary when I think about it.

I could do it on my own. I guess I'm not holding on as tightly as I thought. I don't need him and he proved to me that protecting his family is not in his toolbox.

Well, it's a sunk cost - the past - isn't it? I could try to re-enter that profession, but I don't know if I would. My children would never see me and their dad is never around. It's a tradeoff, I guess, that XAH's presence alleviated. (I'm seeing how selfish I was about needing him- wow). Yes, I can do anything if I set my mind to it. Have to re-articulate the vision. It needs to change.

That sounds amazing! No, he doesn't have to go. Because, if I'm going back "out there," it's for me not to support him

Yikes! It's like looking at this "crisis" upside-down. From this view: I can do it. I actually don't want to drag him along. Actually, I want to get out from the shadow and lead. (oh my! lol!)

((((((GL)))))))

I think these questions made me see that my dream changed. Maybe, I was sad/angry thinking that XAH/systemic risks forced that change. However, I see that I chose this path when I married him and had children. My goals are still so fuzzy. Maybe I really was envious?


GL, wow. Thank you for your compassion and empathy, for taking me seriously and not blowing me off. I was getting stuck on the codie "he's gotten well without me" rollercoaster.

I have gotten back up again. Smiling, dusting myself off. I am ok.

Love you!!!

GiveLove

Your kids are very, very lucky to have you.

I am imagining the stories they may have the chance to tell when they're older -- stories of seeing so many things, in so many places -- and it makes me smile from ear to ear.

There is a way to find your dream.....even if it might have changed faces a little bit since last you dreamed it. Look to the core of it, the "must have" part of it, and work toward that.

You're awesome, felicidade.