How do I do this...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 6
How do I do this...
I'm not a Christian. (Please note that I have no problem with any religion that is based on selflessness, kindness, and love, as these are my goals for everyday life.)
How can I go through the steps without feeling like a fraud? Are there 12 steps for those who'd check 'Other' on the religion question?
Here's my story:
My father is an alcoholic, but I didn't grow up with him. He is stuck on Step 1, and I don't forsee him changing at all. He will probably die drinking. He also suffers from mental illness, likely bi-polar in addition to post traumatic stress syndrome from Nam. From him came my bi-polarity and alcoholic genes (in addition to some pretty great ones
) We have a good relationship since I've taken the initiative and I call him regularly, something he's unable to do. It's a small bit of effort and humility that makes us both happier; I'm glad to do it.
My drinking started in high school 12 or so years ago. It was weekends then, and that continued until college. I met my ex-husband then, and we drank together. It took him down quickly - he was drinking in the morning, during the day, and until he passed out at night. He soon lost his job and it was up to me to support us (we had serious trouble because he was writing checks for alcohol that I didn't know about.) He finally went to treatment, and was unsuccessful. There were drunk fights, and at one point, he loaded a gun with two bullets. I divorced him.
What I didn't realize was that I too was an alcoholic. I didn't think so at the time because my drinking didn't compare to his. I kept drinking, until it snowballed (self-medicating, stress, etc.) I was drinking every night, for a while. During that time, I married again, and divorced again. I did many things I'd rather not remember, and I am probably lucky I don't remember many other things I did. That was a very hazy time, partly because of alcohol, but also because I was recieving treatment for mental disorder. They diagnosed depression at first, and gave me Prozac. (WRONG!) I spun off into crazy-land, and ended up trying to slash my wrists. (The knife was dull on purpose. I was crying out for help, and I got it.) A few weeks in a mental institute, out again, drinking again. The meds the doctors gave me had horrible side effects, not to mention they didn't mix well with drinks.
I was at the point where I'd have a fifth, and I'd just drink from it. I stopped that, though, and switched to beer. When I decided I needed to quit, I could not, for a long time. But I wasn't drinking enough to really screw up my life, and it was a calm time. This is when I met my third husband (!!!). He is a non-drinker, and it was easy for me to quit then. And thank goodness - I was sober in September, and my son was conceived in October 2006) It was easy to stay sober through the pregnancy and during the first year. But it was late last year that I thought I could handle drinking.
I was wrong. It was snowballing. They hubby had no clue, so I told him what I'd done. He is supportive, but I think he's angry. (Probably because I hid it.) I came here last week, and stayed sober a week. But I slipped up last night
I'm really having a tough time with it. It's like my voice of reason reasons that it's ok because I'm not really hurting anyone. Maybe I'm not 'right now.' But I remember the past, and how easily I snowballed. I have an amazing family, a job I love, and I don't want to lose either.
Thank you very much for listening. It means a lot to be heard.
How can I go through the steps without feeling like a fraud? Are there 12 steps for those who'd check 'Other' on the religion question?
Here's my story:
My father is an alcoholic, but I didn't grow up with him. He is stuck on Step 1, and I don't forsee him changing at all. He will probably die drinking. He also suffers from mental illness, likely bi-polar in addition to post traumatic stress syndrome from Nam. From him came my bi-polarity and alcoholic genes (in addition to some pretty great ones
) We have a good relationship since I've taken the initiative and I call him regularly, something he's unable to do. It's a small bit of effort and humility that makes us both happier; I'm glad to do it.My drinking started in high school 12 or so years ago. It was weekends then, and that continued until college. I met my ex-husband then, and we drank together. It took him down quickly - he was drinking in the morning, during the day, and until he passed out at night. He soon lost his job and it was up to me to support us (we had serious trouble because he was writing checks for alcohol that I didn't know about.) He finally went to treatment, and was unsuccessful. There were drunk fights, and at one point, he loaded a gun with two bullets. I divorced him.
What I didn't realize was that I too was an alcoholic. I didn't think so at the time because my drinking didn't compare to his. I kept drinking, until it snowballed (self-medicating, stress, etc.) I was drinking every night, for a while. During that time, I married again, and divorced again. I did many things I'd rather not remember, and I am probably lucky I don't remember many other things I did. That was a very hazy time, partly because of alcohol, but also because I was recieving treatment for mental disorder. They diagnosed depression at first, and gave me Prozac. (WRONG!) I spun off into crazy-land, and ended up trying to slash my wrists. (The knife was dull on purpose. I was crying out for help, and I got it.) A few weeks in a mental institute, out again, drinking again. The meds the doctors gave me had horrible side effects, not to mention they didn't mix well with drinks.
I was at the point where I'd have a fifth, and I'd just drink from it. I stopped that, though, and switched to beer. When I decided I needed to quit, I could not, for a long time. But I wasn't drinking enough to really screw up my life, and it was a calm time. This is when I met my third husband (!!!). He is a non-drinker, and it was easy for me to quit then. And thank goodness - I was sober in September, and my son was conceived in October 2006) It was easy to stay sober through the pregnancy and during the first year. But it was late last year that I thought I could handle drinking.
I was wrong. It was snowballing. They hubby had no clue, so I told him what I'd done. He is supportive, but I think he's angry. (Probably because I hid it.) I came here last week, and stayed sober a week. But I slipped up last night
I'm really having a tough time with it. It's like my voice of reason reasons that it's ok because I'm not really hurting anyone. Maybe I'm not 'right now.' But I remember the past, and how easily I snowballed. I have an amazing family, a job I love, and I don't want to lose either.
Thank you very much for listening. It means a lot to be heard.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Hi and Welcome,
You can recover without using the 12 steps, if you choose to. I, and others here, have done that. We also have a Secular forum on this board, that you might want to check out and you'd probably find support there.
I think you are hearing the 'addict voice' in your head and I know from my experience, that it is relentless. I think it is also loudest when it knows you intend to stop drinking. Hear it for what it is, and dismiss it. Move forward. You can do this!
You can recover without using the 12 steps, if you choose to. I, and others here, have done that. We also have a Secular forum on this board, that you might want to check out and you'd probably find support there.
I think you are hearing the 'addict voice' in your head and I know from my experience, that it is relentless. I think it is also loudest when it knows you intend to stop drinking. Hear it for what it is, and dismiss it. Move forward. You can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
The addict voice wants to win, and for me, I was going to lose everything - my family, my health, my self-respect. The addict voice wants it all, and will stop at nothing to get it all. Addiction is a deadly disease, and I am so glad you have found us.
vicieux extraordinaire
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 205
Hi SageQueen. Welcome to SR.
Keep posting and you will be heard. Thanks for sharing your story.
You will find enormous support in the boards, you just need to stick around.
Hope you find the peace and sober self you deserve. All the best!
Keep posting and you will be heard. Thanks for sharing your story.
You will find enormous support in the boards, you just need to stick around.
Hope you find the peace and sober self you deserve. All the best!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome Sage.
I am trying to do this without the help of a 12 step program and am using all the good people here at SR for my support portion of my plan.
AA is less Christian oriented than it once was depending on the group so if you feel you need face to face contact and there is nothing else in your town it doesn't hurt to try it.
If I feel I might mess up I come here and post and the support kicks in and you will be talked out of drinking. I have seen this happen several times in the 2 months that I have been here.
Peer support is powerful because everyone gets where you are coming from.
Good luck.
I am trying to do this without the help of a 12 step program and am using all the good people here at SR for my support portion of my plan.
AA is less Christian oriented than it once was depending on the group so if you feel you need face to face contact and there is nothing else in your town it doesn't hurt to try it.
If I feel I might mess up I come here and post and the support kicks in and you will be talked out of drinking. I have seen this happen several times in the 2 months that I have been here.
Peer support is powerful because everyone gets where you are coming from.
Good luck.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Welcome Sage!
Glad you found us. Do check out the secular forum. Lots of love and good advice there. There is more than one way to "skin" this "cat". I'm glad you joined our family. We all have the same goal.
Glad you found us. Do check out the secular forum. Lots of love and good advice there. There is more than one way to "skin" this "cat". I'm glad you joined our family. We all have the same goal. Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA
Posts: 16
you sound like you're intelligent, smart, and thoughtful. one of the last things you said was "it's not hurting anyone. Maybe I'm not right now." you're "voice of reason REASONS". let me ask you, does it sound "reasonable" that your drinking isn't hurting anyone? whether you are able to hide it or not is not the point. even when we hide an addiction by definition alone, what that addiction does to us has some effect on those around us. for a variety of "excuses" we choose not to see it. and beyond the "anyone" there's ALWAYS YOU. it's obvious that you "know" it's hurting you. our addiction is NOT a victimless crime, so to speak. and because it's really difficult to help those around us until we can help or find help for ourselves that is where we need to begin our journey back to physical and emotional health. simplify things for yourself like you did in your last sentence. you KNOW what you have - family, job, etc. - those are good things that you don't want to lose. so, do what you know you gotta do. we all know you are quite capable of doing that. "yeah, well that's easier said than done." well, there ya go - there's your out. go drink then. it's not easy, for sure but hey, that's life in the big city, right?!! come on, go for it. it wins or you win. it's your choice. we know you can make the right one.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
SageQueen,
1) Welcome and I'm really glad you're here.
2) I can't believe how similar your story is to mine. I am bipolar alcoholic. Have been married 3 times (still married to the 3rd - knock on wood.) Have kids. Had several severe mental breakdowns with suicidality before I was diagnosed. Medications for bipolar suck (but I take them because lala land sucks more). Tried to drink while on my meds and made things much worse. Hid my alcohol from my husband and permanently damaged his trust. BUT - I'm in recovery now and have been sober for a year!
3) I'm not a Christian.
4) I go to AA and work the steps enthusiastically without feeling conflicted about the God issue. The only thing I sometimes feel a little removed from is that my group says the "Our Father" prayer at the end. It feels a little off for me. But - this is true - I was raised Catholic, my mom is Mormon, my dad is Buddhist, 2 of my kids are Jewish, my husband is Episcapal, one of my sisters is Agnostic and the other is New Age Christian. So - I don't really care too much about how we talk about God differently. It's all the same thing to me.
My sponsor is a Christian but she's been very specific about my Higher Power being entirely and completly up to me to discover and define for myself. That being said, it is easy to move through the steps in this regard.
And, like others have said, there is a Secular Forum which I'm sure you'll check out.
5) And, did I say, Welcome?
- mle
1) Welcome and I'm really glad you're here.
2) I can't believe how similar your story is to mine. I am bipolar alcoholic. Have been married 3 times (still married to the 3rd - knock on wood.) Have kids. Had several severe mental breakdowns with suicidality before I was diagnosed. Medications for bipolar suck (but I take them because lala land sucks more). Tried to drink while on my meds and made things much worse. Hid my alcohol from my husband and permanently damaged his trust. BUT - I'm in recovery now and have been sober for a year!
3) I'm not a Christian.
4) I go to AA and work the steps enthusiastically without feeling conflicted about the God issue. The only thing I sometimes feel a little removed from is that my group says the "Our Father" prayer at the end. It feels a little off for me. But - this is true - I was raised Catholic, my mom is Mormon, my dad is Buddhist, 2 of my kids are Jewish, my husband is Episcapal, one of my sisters is Agnostic and the other is New Age Christian. So - I don't really care too much about how we talk about God differently. It's all the same thing to me.
My sponsor is a Christian but she's been very specific about my Higher Power being entirely and completly up to me to discover and define for myself. That being said, it is easy to move through the steps in this regard.
And, like others have said, there is a Secular Forum which I'm sure you'll check out.
5) And, did I say, Welcome?
- mle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Originally Posted by sagequeen 
How can I go through the steps without feeling like a fraud? Are there 12 steps for those who'd check 'Other' on the religion question?
Agnostic AA Meetings in New York City - Agnostic Twelve Steps
Addictions Anonymous, 13: A Universal Secular Twelve Steps
proactive 12 steps online workbook
A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps by Stephanie S. Covington Ph. D.
Also I highly recommend as a book when first starting out Sober for Good by Anne Fletcher. It talks about all different ways people got sober and presents a very balanced view while lending hope.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
It's your sobriety.
sagequeen,
That "snowballing" effect will always happen no matter how well you think you can handle the alcohol. That is the nature of alcoholism. If we stop drinking then the psychological game we play kicks in and we inevitably start drinking again. I'm pretty sure you already know that though. When I first tried to quit I would go for a day or two without drinking but I'd drink again. I knew I had to do something but I wasn't sure what I needed to do. We all have a different way of doing this sobriety thing. There are as many ways to do it as there are people. Our needs are all different and what works for me may not work for anyone else in the world.
I wanted more than to quit drinking. It was more of a transformation of my identity. I wanted to be someone different than I had become. I wanted to be more than what I was, a guy who drank every night and felt like helll the next day. I knew something was wrong when my liver started to hurt. I still drank. I worked, never called in sick, did everything I needed to do in life. But years of this just wore on me and I had enough of trying. I looked into AA but it wasn't to my liking in some ways. I still use some of what I learned there though. I use SR a lot. I have some really good friends here who I regularly communicate with. I have read a lot about alcoholism and that really helped me to understand why I wanted to keep drinking. Somehow through these three things and my resolve I am able to say that I don't drink and that I rarely ever think about drinking. If you'd like for me to give you the titles of some books I've read then please send me a private message and I'll send them to you. Please take the time to explore all of your options for attaining a lasting sobriety. You'll find what works in time.
Peace,
Ken
That "snowballing" effect will always happen no matter how well you think you can handle the alcohol. That is the nature of alcoholism. If we stop drinking then the psychological game we play kicks in and we inevitably start drinking again. I'm pretty sure you already know that though. When I first tried to quit I would go for a day or two without drinking but I'd drink again. I knew I had to do something but I wasn't sure what I needed to do. We all have a different way of doing this sobriety thing. There are as many ways to do it as there are people. Our needs are all different and what works for me may not work for anyone else in the world.
I wanted more than to quit drinking. It was more of a transformation of my identity. I wanted to be someone different than I had become. I wanted to be more than what I was, a guy who drank every night and felt like helll the next day. I knew something was wrong when my liver started to hurt. I still drank. I worked, never called in sick, did everything I needed to do in life. But years of this just wore on me and I had enough of trying. I looked into AA but it wasn't to my liking in some ways. I still use some of what I learned there though. I use SR a lot. I have some really good friends here who I regularly communicate with. I have read a lot about alcoholism and that really helped me to understand why I wanted to keep drinking. Somehow through these three things and my resolve I am able to say that I don't drink and that I rarely ever think about drinking. If you'd like for me to give you the titles of some books I've read then please send me a private message and I'll send them to you. Please take the time to explore all of your options for attaining a lasting sobriety. You'll find what works in time.
Peace,
Ken
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