Somewhere to Start
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 22
Somewhere to Start
Well I figured I may as well start somewhere, I actually had no idea this kind of forum existed. I went to AA a few times last year and to be honest I was freaked out, I was parking in back alleys etc and did not feel safe at all, it totally detered me from going. SO here I am a year later further into the progression of my alcoholism and looking to get me butt in gear. I remember years ago watching the movie " when a man loves a woman," and identifying with the movie but thinking, " I'll never be that bad, I don't hide booze and I only drink beer..." Well here I am 33 years old with two beautiful little girls, a great husband career, home ... and I stash vodka where ever I can think of that my husband and kids won't find it. In fact I am soo good at hiding it that I often forget where the heck I put it..... I am out of uncontrol and I am scareing my kids, the other night I was boozin in my bathroom, pretending to be in there to dye my hair and my little girls went and got my husband as I was on the floor and they couldn't get me up. My husband recorded my appauling behavior and showed it to me the next morning. I had ZERO recollection of any of the night events and was TERRIFIED to see myself in that state. ENOUGH Is ENOUGH!!! I feel like a fraud most people think I have it all and have my s--t together meanwhile I am full of guilt shame and remorse for all of the things I have put my family through. I know I am an AMAZING mother when I am sober but I am NOT when I am drinking.. I am sooo hopefull that I have done enough on the positive side that my kids will pull through this and not end up scarred for life... I often feel very unworthy of my kids love, they are soo beautiful and amazing and I have often chosen the bottle over them!!! I want to learn to be happy and SOBER!! I find courage in reading all of your posts and have downloaded the video that my husband made of me to watch whenever I want to pick up the bottle, I am praying this will get me through and help me to choose my life orver booze!!! I am grateful for this site and for any words of encouragement and advice from people who have been there done that. Sincerely, ME
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by kenyathena 
Well I figured I may as well start somewhere, I actually had no idea this kind of forum existed. I went to AA a few times last year and to be honest I was freaked out, I was parking in back alleys etc and did not feel safe at all, it totally detered me from going. SO here I am a year later further into the progression of my alcoholism and looking to get me butt in gear. I remember years ago watching the movie " when a man loves a woman," and identifying with the movie but thinking, " I'll never be that bad, I don't hide booze and I only drink beer..." Well here I am 33 years old with two beautiful little girls, a great husband career, home ... and I stash vodka where ever I can think of that my husband and kids won't find it. In fact I am soo good at hiding it that I often forget where the heck I put it..... I am out of uncontrol and I am scareing my kids, the other night I was boozin in my bathroom, pretending to be in there to dye my hair and my little girls went and got my husband as I was on the floor and they couldn't get me up. My husband recorded my appauling behavior and showed it to me the next morning. I had ZERO recollection of any of the night events and was TERRIFIED to see myself in that state. ENOUGH Is ENOUGH!!! I feel like a fraud most people think I have it all and have my s--t together meanwhile I am full of guilt shame and remorse for all of the things I have put my family through. I know I am an AMAZING mother when I am sober but I am NOT when I am drinking.. I am sooo hopefull that I have done enough on the positive side that my kids will pull through this and not end up scarred for life... I often feel very unworthy of my kids love, they are soo beautiful and amazing and I have often chosen the bottle over them!!! I want to learn to be happy and SOBER!! I find courage in reading all of your posts and have downloaded the video that my husband made of me to watch whenever I want to pick up the bottle, I am praying this will get me through and help me to choose my life orver booze!!! I am grateful for this site and for any words of encouragement and advice from people who have been there done that. Sincerely, ME
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us!
One of the worst things about my drinking years, was the lying to my family. I also 'pretended' to all my neighbors and friends, that everything was just fine. On the outside it was, and I worked really hard at hiding the drinking. Of course, after I stopped drinking and the denial began to life, I became aware that many people knew what was going on.
That movie is one of my favorites because it focuses on the Mom and the family. My kids were older when I began drinking, but the fact I caused them pain, is still difficult to deal with. I am glad that you are ready to move forward and live a sober life.
I'm glad you found us!
One of the worst things about my drinking years, was the lying to my family. I also 'pretended' to all my neighbors and friends, that everything was just fine. On the outside it was, and I worked really hard at hiding the drinking. Of course, after I stopped drinking and the denial began to life, I became aware that many people knew what was going on.
That movie is one of my favorites because it focuses on the Mom and the family. My kids were older when I began drinking, but the fact I caused them pain, is still difficult to deal with. I am glad that you are ready to move forward and live a sober life.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Welcome to the family!:ghug3
You CAN beat this disease. Just don't drink for today. Have you considered asking your doctor for medical help in quitting drinking? Detox last a few days and can be very uncomfortable, but sometimes meds can be given to lessen the withdrawal anxiety.
As for going to meetings, I'd suggest you give them a try. Go to several until you find one you feel comfortable in. Lots of support there, and lots of support here.
Remember to take it one day at a time. Just don't drink today.
You CAN beat this disease. Just don't drink for today. Have you considered asking your doctor for medical help in quitting drinking? Detox last a few days and can be very uncomfortable, but sometimes meds can be given to lessen the withdrawal anxiety.
As for going to meetings, I'd suggest you give them a try. Go to several until you find one you feel comfortable in. Lots of support there, and lots of support here.
Remember to take it one day at a time. Just don't drink today.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,020
Yup, I can identify, I was one of those "model, got-it-all-together" parents myself! 
In fact just the other day I was talking to another single parent about "roadies", those big cups of vodka we'd take to our kids school and sport events.
SR is a great place to be no matter what stage of recovery you're in. I happened to find this place after a couple years sober, it's made a great addition to my AA program. Just find a plan for your recovery that works for you, OK? Welcome, glad you're here!
In fact just the other day I was talking to another single parent about "roadies", those big cups of vodka we'd take to our kids school and sport events. SR is a great place to be no matter what stage of recovery you're in. I happened to find this place after a couple years sober, it's made a great addition to my AA program. Just find a plan for your recovery that works for you, OK? Welcome, glad you're here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 22
WOW thank you soo much for your quick responses and words of wisdom. I don't think I need detox, I don't get the sweat or shakes or anything like that, I am very tiny probably 100pds soaking wet and when I "drink" I maybe have a mickey MAX but that is enough to turn me from me, into the DRUNK me... I was doing very well hadn't drank in about 2 weeks buut then Friday came the sales guys that I work with said " lets go for lunch," the rounds were ordered and I was done. I cannot have ONE drink!! I cam eback to the office and called my husband to and asked if I could pick up a bottle of wine to have with dinner, he said no SOO I stopped on the way home picked up a mickey of vodka and smuggled it into the house in my coat pocket... Once I have one drink I am not ME. I loose the ability to make good choices, it isn't that I want to disprespect my husband or throw away a night with my kids, I just don't care once I have had the first drink... I have to have MORE.. I pray that I will jusy have a few sips and NOT get drunk, that I can pull it of and my husband won't notice, who the heck am i kidding!!?? I had no IDEA how bad I got until he recorded me. I was mad at him at first and then very thankful, I NEEDED to see that!!!! My daughers are 2 and 4. I sat my four year old down yesterday and asked her if she could talk to mommy about how she feels when I drink. She told me it scared her, I asked her why and she said becuse daddy always scream at you when you get like that... It isn't my husbands fault, I am the one creating this situation... I have told my brother who is my boss my husband and my parents that I need them to hold me accountable, if they see me drinking they nee dto blow the whistle on me. This is my last shot before my husband is going to throw in the towel and I am gonna be forced to say goodbye to my kids and head offf to a rehab... I think this may be enough to scare me straight. I hope to god it is.. I NEED to be successful, stay sober and save my life as well as my daughters!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,020
Originally Posted by kenyathena
My daughers are 2 and 4. I sat my four year old down yesterday and asked her if she could talk to mommy about how she feels when I drink. She told me it scared her, I asked her why and she said becuse daddy always scream at you when you get like that...
I found a solution in recovery, I became the parent I always wanted to be, my children have a father that every child deserves to have.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 22
Hi Elchupacabra,
Well I wasn't supposed ot be drinking ANYTHING so I would have to hide it. Every once in a while my husband would bring home some beer or wine but small amounts to" share" sooo I would share, and then go upstairs to go to the bathroom and nip some more.. I have never been the kind of girl who can share a six pack, I would prefer my own 15 pack of beer....
Well I wasn't supposed ot be drinking ANYTHING so I would have to hide it. Every once in a while my husband would bring home some beer or wine but small amounts to" share" sooo I would share, and then go upstairs to go to the bathroom and nip some more.. I have never been the kind of girl who can share a six pack, I would prefer my own 15 pack of beer....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 22
Astro,
When we'd get near the liquor aisle they'd beg and plead with me not to buy beer or vodka, they knew what I turned into when I drank.
I found a solution in recovery, I became the parent I always wanted to be, my children have a father that every child deserves to have.
My kids did the same thing we would pull up to the drive thru liquor stores and my oldest would say, " MOM you aren't allowed to have beer." I would ignore her and then found a drive through that sould these HUGE lollipops, so I would tell her I was just going to get them a treat... My BIGGEST goal is to be sober and to become the MOTHER that I strive to be and that my children DESERVE.
Thank you sooooooooooooo much for your honesty!!!
When we'd get near the liquor aisle they'd beg and plead with me not to buy beer or vodka, they knew what I turned into when I drank.
I found a solution in recovery, I became the parent I always wanted to be, my children have a father that every child deserves to have.
My kids did the same thing we would pull up to the drive thru liquor stores and my oldest would say, " MOM you aren't allowed to have beer." I would ignore her and then found a drive through that sould these HUGE lollipops, so I would tell her I was just going to get them a treat... My BIGGEST goal is to be sober and to become the MOTHER that I strive to be and that my children DESERVE.
Thank you sooooooooooooo much for your honesty!!!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome to SR. 
Make this the day you quit drinking period.
You have that video when you get the urge and just thinking of having to watch it may be enough to kill your craving.
Then think of those two young girls and how you want them to be proud of you and secure with you.
I am the same as you. After 1 drink there is no stopping. You can do this if you choose not to have that first drink. You, like me, are a binge drinker which in many ways is worse than a daily drinker in terms of behavior.
The biggest regret I have is the times I wasn't there for my kids. Don't let this be you 20 years from now. You will find more joy in your children than you will in a bottle.
Good luck.
Make this the day you quit drinking period.
You have that video when you get the urge and just thinking of having to watch it may be enough to kill your craving.
Then think of those two young girls and how you want them to be proud of you and secure with you.
I am the same as you. After 1 drink there is no stopping. You can do this if you choose not to have that first drink. You, like me, are a binge drinker which in many ways is worse than a daily drinker in terms of behavior.
The biggest regret I have is the times I wasn't there for my kids. Don't let this be you 20 years from now. You will find more joy in your children than you will in a bottle.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 22
Ok I ave to get my butt in gear and get to work or I am going to be an unemployed recovering alcoholic.... I sooo look forward to checking in and seeing what all of you have to say. THANK YOU... I feel like I can do this.. Make that I AM going to do this!!!!Today I am VERY grateful for my life, being sober and for having this support.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Originally Posted by kenyathena
fubarcdn, thank you, you spoke straight to my heart and any good sense that I have left. I truly appreciate you and what you have said.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Thank you for your beautiful heartfelt post! I identify with all of it! You're in the right place and will find alot of love, relativity, support and encouragement here.............. WE know... we're drunks and addicts too! I'm sorry AA gave you a scare! It's not at all like that, at least for me! I find in any room of Alcoholics Anonymous, support and identification of one alkie talkin' to another alkie. This dis-ease is something I personally can't master or handle on my own... If I could, I wouldn't be here or an active member of AA. I don't know how to LIVE without booze, the 12-steps give me a "design for living" and have hope through the process.There's a lot of other resources available to us as well. Whatever works.... whatever gets us through the day without pickin' up that 1st drink!
I'm glad you're here and letting us in!
:ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 22
Can anyone fill me in on how the online meetings work? I am in Vancouver BC pacific time, do you just log in and click on the day/meeting? Is it like an online chat? I like the idea of these meeting, I am an extovert buta SERIOUS homebody always have been. I can see myself ACTUALLY doing thesemeetings ona daily basis as opposed to GOING to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 22
As a fellow newbie-- I second kenyathena's question.
Also, Keny I read your posts and totally identify.
I'm only on day 5 but so far I'm finding the people on SR so helpful. People actually understand what I'm going through, as opposed to all the non-alkies. Here, people understand what it's like to really crave a drink. As opposed to:
Me: I want a drink
Non-alkie: so have one
Me: but I'll have 5 drinks...
Non-alkie: (crickets). So anyways....
Also, Keny I read your posts and totally identify.
I'm only on day 5 but so far I'm finding the people on SR so helpful. People actually understand what I'm going through, as opposed to all the non-alkies. Here, people understand what it's like to really crave a drink. As opposed to:
Me: I want a drink
Non-alkie: so have one
Me: but I'll have 5 drinks...
Non-alkie: (crickets). So anyways....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 150
Best wishes to you. I'm here for the same reason you are. You have a lot of support here and we all have the best intentions in mind for you and ourselves. I am also a mother and it is heartbreaking to know that my priorities have gotten so screwed up. It takes a lot of energy to be a drunk, and I'm sure you'll find yourself feeling like a new woman when you have more energy to spend on the things that matter, like your kids. I was sober for 8 days last month -- sadly, a record for me -- but it felt so amazing that I'm giving it another try after a slip up yesterday. Keep posting and you will find yourself amazed by this community.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Here is the link to your first post...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2132560
Good to see you here in Newcomers kenyathena
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2132560
Good to see you here in Newcomers kenyathena
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