Intro, glad to have found this place!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2
Intro, glad to have found this place!
First, let me say that I have been lurking here for weeks, and have seen myself reflected in so many of the stories here. My story isn't too different from so many others..here goes..
5 years ago I met a wonderful, incredible man. He was happy, successful, sexy, made me feel so good. We fell deeply in love and 2 years after we met we were engaged, my kids adored him, etc.. Anyway, he got into coke, at first it was not a big deal. And I should point out that he has 19 years sober though AA, never tried coke until September of 06, he was really active in AA, lived the program, except he did smoke pot, but I don't know, seems like a lot of people in AA use pot, maybe that's just my perception, but anyway. On with my story.
He and I used coke together, I live way in the country, and he lives in the city, so I would spend my weekends with him, and the coke got progressively worse. He started smoking it, I did too, but for me it was recreational, just weekends. He started smoking it all the time, then shooting it. He has lost all that he had, his home, his business, his car, you name it, he lost it due to his addiction.
I tried so many times to get him off of it, doing mini detox weekends with him at my house, begging him to enter treatment, breaking up with him because of it, then getting back together and using with him, over and over again. He even moved out here with me twice, in the hopes that he would have no temptation around, but he ended up going back to the city both times. He used to have everything going for him, but now he is living in a tent behind a crackhouse, has no material possesions, has been in jail, has a felony, and has broken my heart so many times.
I found this site a few weeks ago, after I hit my bottom, I think. He was in jail for violating his probation with a dirty ua. I was checking the jail website constantly, trying to figure out ways to help him, and thinking as soon as he got out he would be clean, his first real time clean in a few years, that he would see the light and come to me. Well, on Monday I couldn't get to the website to check his status, so I called, and they told me he was released the previous Friday. I was so angry, so hurt, how could he not call me? Oh, I thought, he has no money, I tried to call his phone- it's a pay as you go phone- and it wasn't turned on, so I put money on his phone, called him and he was like, " hey baby, I'm in the middle of a deal, I'll call u later". I had shed so many tears for him, he is a average with middle aged guy, I was so worried when he was in jail, and there I was, like a fool rushing to talk to him, when he had already been on the streets for 3 days. That was my bottom, or at least when I realized that he loves the coke more than me, or himself, that nothing I do is going to change that. Yet, I am in so much pain.
Later that week, he went to rehab, 30 days, court ordered, I thought my dreams were coming true. Well, guess what? Here it is Monday, and I just found out he got out last Thursday night. I am not nearly as devastated as the last time, but he promised me he would call me first. Oh well. I'm certain he is back living in the tent, doing little deals, to keep himself high, and not reaching out to me. He alternately calls me his angel for trying to save him, and his devil, for using with him, and oh yeah, he blames me for everything, really everything is all my fault. It's something, because I'm still successful, a good parent, friend, have a decent life, job, house, etc... Oh, it's just so frustrating.
Anyway, I could go on and on, lol, I probably will! I just don't know how to go on from here. I know that I hear myself in the voices here, so I want to stick around a while and see if I can get through this heartaache, see if I can figure out why I am so attached to this junkie loser, a man who hasn't treated me right in so long, but who I cant give up on. I guess he has given up on me, I don't know.. I guess I can't accept that right now.
Thank for reading this far, I hope I can stick around and let the wisdom here rub off on me a bit.
5 years ago I met a wonderful, incredible man. He was happy, successful, sexy, made me feel so good. We fell deeply in love and 2 years after we met we were engaged, my kids adored him, etc.. Anyway, he got into coke, at first it was not a big deal. And I should point out that he has 19 years sober though AA, never tried coke until September of 06, he was really active in AA, lived the program, except he did smoke pot, but I don't know, seems like a lot of people in AA use pot, maybe that's just my perception, but anyway. On with my story.
He and I used coke together, I live way in the country, and he lives in the city, so I would spend my weekends with him, and the coke got progressively worse. He started smoking it, I did too, but for me it was recreational, just weekends. He started smoking it all the time, then shooting it. He has lost all that he had, his home, his business, his car, you name it, he lost it due to his addiction.
I tried so many times to get him off of it, doing mini detox weekends with him at my house, begging him to enter treatment, breaking up with him because of it, then getting back together and using with him, over and over again. He even moved out here with me twice, in the hopes that he would have no temptation around, but he ended up going back to the city both times. He used to have everything going for him, but now he is living in a tent behind a crackhouse, has no material possesions, has been in jail, has a felony, and has broken my heart so many times.
I found this site a few weeks ago, after I hit my bottom, I think. He was in jail for violating his probation with a dirty ua. I was checking the jail website constantly, trying to figure out ways to help him, and thinking as soon as he got out he would be clean, his first real time clean in a few years, that he would see the light and come to me. Well, on Monday I couldn't get to the website to check his status, so I called, and they told me he was released the previous Friday. I was so angry, so hurt, how could he not call me? Oh, I thought, he has no money, I tried to call his phone- it's a pay as you go phone- and it wasn't turned on, so I put money on his phone, called him and he was like, " hey baby, I'm in the middle of a deal, I'll call u later". I had shed so many tears for him, he is a average with middle aged guy, I was so worried when he was in jail, and there I was, like a fool rushing to talk to him, when he had already been on the streets for 3 days. That was my bottom, or at least when I realized that he loves the coke more than me, or himself, that nothing I do is going to change that. Yet, I am in so much pain.
Later that week, he went to rehab, 30 days, court ordered, I thought my dreams were coming true. Well, guess what? Here it is Monday, and I just found out he got out last Thursday night. I am not nearly as devastated as the last time, but he promised me he would call me first. Oh well. I'm certain he is back living in the tent, doing little deals, to keep himself high, and not reaching out to me. He alternately calls me his angel for trying to save him, and his devil, for using with him, and oh yeah, he blames me for everything, really everything is all my fault. It's something, because I'm still successful, a good parent, friend, have a decent life, job, house, etc... Oh, it's just so frustrating.
Anyway, I could go on and on, lol, I probably will! I just don't know how to go on from here. I know that I hear myself in the voices here, so I want to stick around a while and see if I can get through this heartaache, see if I can figure out why I am so attached to this junkie loser, a man who hasn't treated me right in so long, but who I cant give up on. I guess he has given up on me, I don't know.. I guess I can't accept that right now.
Thank for reading this far, I hope I can stick around and let the wisdom here rub off on me a bit.
vicieux extraordinaire
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 205
Hearthbreaking MizKitty, thanks for sharing.
Welcome to SR.
You should also post on F&F, that would really also help.
A huge hug. Sometimes you cannot stop other from destroying themselves, but you can sure try to not follow their path -
again, heartbreaking. Hopefully he will find recovery and peace.
Lots of love and strength for you.
Welcome to SR.
You should also post on F&F, that would really also help.
A huge hug. Sometimes you cannot stop other from destroying themselves, but you can sure try to not follow their path -
again, heartbreaking. Hopefully he will find recovery and peace.
Lots of love and strength for you.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
MizKitty...welcome...
I understand your pain...I have struggled with the madness that comes from loving an addict...
There is life and hope and joy for us, when we can learn to put the focus back on ourselves.
I am glad you have found us
...
I would also like to suggest that you check out the Friends and Family of Substance abuse forum as well. You will find many who have, and are presently walking, in your shoes..
I understand your pain...I have struggled with the madness that comes from loving an addict...
There is life and hope and joy for us, when we can learn to put the focus back on ourselves.
I am glad you have found us
...I would also like to suggest that you check out the Friends and Family of Substance abuse forum as well. You will find many who have, and are presently walking, in your shoes..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Smithfield, VA
Posts: 521
Welcome to SR! This is such a heartbreaking story and I'm sorry you have to go through so much pain. I'm not sure that I have any words of wisdom to share, but if you check out the Friends and Family part of the Forums I'm sure there are many people there who can relate and have been in similar situations that would be able to offer lots of advice. In the meantime there's a lot of us here that can offer love, encouragement and support as you try to get through this. Keep reading and posting and I'm sure it'll be very helpful for you.
Wes
This is such a heartbreaking story and I'm sorry you have to go through so much pain. I'm not sure that I have any words of wisdom to share, but if you check out the Friends and Family part of the Forums I'm sure there are many people there who can relate and have been in similar situations that would be able to offer lots of advice. In the meantime there's a lot of us here that can offer love, encouragement and support as you try to get through this. Keep reading and posting and I'm sure it'll be very helpful for you.Wes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2
Wow! Y'all are fast! Thanks for the warm welcomes.
Do I belong in F & F? I used with him, and if I'm not with him, out here in the boonies, I have no desire to use. But- and this is my sickness I guess- if he called me and told me he wanted me I would come running. If he said he needed my help to get clean, I would do anything to help. Yet, if he called and said he wanted me to come party with him nextweekend, I would do tha too... I just love this guy so much. I'm grown woman, been in love before, all that. But he and I had some kind of magic. I'm full of shame to even write this stuff down, but I'm trying to be completely honest, I think it's the only way I can get throught this.
Also, I wrote above that he has not had a drink in 19 years. He still call himself sober, if you can belive that. Maybe his bottom, since it's not found yet, will be when he goes back to that. I just dont know. I feel so lost...
Do I belong in F & F? I used with him, and if I'm not with him, out here in the boonies, I have no desire to use. But- and this is my sickness I guess- if he called me and told me he wanted me I would come running. If he said he needed my help to get clean, I would do anything to help. Yet, if he called and said he wanted me to come party with him nextweekend, I would do tha too... I just love this guy so much. I'm grown woman, been in love before, all that. But he and I had some kind of magic. I'm full of shame to even write this stuff down, but I'm trying to be completely honest, I think it's the only way I can get throught this.
Also, I wrote above that he has not had a drink in 19 years. He still call himself sober, if you can belive that. Maybe his bottom, since it's not found yet, will be when he goes back to that. I just dont know. I feel so lost...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Welcome MizKitty!!
You sound co-dependent, not addicted.
The difference in a addict/alcoholic and a user is how we react to it. You sound like you are addicted to the addict
Good luck to you sweetie. There are a lot of supportive people here.
You sound co-dependent, not addicted.
The difference in a addict/alcoholic and a user is how we react to it. You sound like you are addicted to the addict
Good luck to you sweetie. There are a lot of supportive people here.
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