He left yesterday....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: michigan
Posts: 4
He left yesterday....
My husband is an acoholic in denial. He knows he drinks too much but believes that it isn't a big problem. He says the problem is me... what I do, what I don't do, how I treat the children... etc.
I have no idea what to do now. We have been married 22 years. The first 15 were great, and then he started drinking and had an affair. The affair shattered my life. I left him and filed for divorce but we got back together after he promised to stop drinking.
And here we are 7 years later, his drinking is worse, he has alienated himself from the family. Disappears in his workshop to drink and when he has errands to run his "be back in an hour" ALWAYS turns into 3, 4, 6 hours later.
He is usually angry when he drinks. When he comes in from his workshop in the evenings there is instant tension. (The house isn't clean enough or the kids are making too much noise or he doesn't like what he has for dinner...etc). He picks on our oldest daughter (16), she can't do anything to please him. Now he is starting on our 7 year old but he still adores our 3 year old.
I am so angry at him for starting to drink because he knew that he was very high risk. We used to have long talks about it. Both of his parents were alcoholics and the both died from it.
So last night was a big drama...what set him off was the bathroom floor was wet. Long story short he threatened to leave and I told him to go. Then I took the little kids and read to them, put them to bed and I went to bed. I guess he expected me to cry and plead with him not to go but I am so tired of it. I am tired of trying to appease him, tired of trying to make up to the kids when he is nasty to them, tired of his lying about his drinking and when he will be home, tired of his friends, tired of his anger.
He left last night and I haven't heard from him in 24 hours. I am worried about him but the kids and I had a good day. The little ones miss daddy (Our oldest claims to hate him) I am not sure what I feel, but when my youngest got water on the bathroom floor from her bath tonight, I didn't have to hurry to clean it up before he got mad and that felt pretty good.
I have no idea what to do now. We have been married 22 years. The first 15 were great, and then he started drinking and had an affair. The affair shattered my life. I left him and filed for divorce but we got back together after he promised to stop drinking.
And here we are 7 years later, his drinking is worse, he has alienated himself from the family. Disappears in his workshop to drink and when he has errands to run his "be back in an hour" ALWAYS turns into 3, 4, 6 hours later.
He is usually angry when he drinks. When he comes in from his workshop in the evenings there is instant tension. (The house isn't clean enough or the kids are making too much noise or he doesn't like what he has for dinner...etc). He picks on our oldest daughter (16), she can't do anything to please him. Now he is starting on our 7 year old but he still adores our 3 year old.
I am so angry at him for starting to drink because he knew that he was very high risk. We used to have long talks about it. Both of his parents were alcoholics and the both died from it.
So last night was a big drama...what set him off was the bathroom floor was wet. Long story short he threatened to leave and I told him to go. Then I took the little kids and read to them, put them to bed and I went to bed. I guess he expected me to cry and plead with him not to go but I am so tired of it. I am tired of trying to appease him, tired of trying to make up to the kids when he is nasty to them, tired of his lying about his drinking and when he will be home, tired of his friends, tired of his anger.
He left last night and I haven't heard from him in 24 hours. I am worried about him but the kids and I had a good day. The little ones miss daddy (Our oldest claims to hate him) I am not sure what I feel, but when my youngest got water on the bathroom floor from her bath tonight, I didn't have to hurry to clean it up before he got mad and that felt pretty good.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Dianalyn, welcome !
Your first line says it all.
seems he may be putting his own guilt
on you by being critical of everything and
everyone around him that way he can condone
his drinking.
Have you thought of attending alanon?
I"m learning I cant change the alcoholic but
I can begin to change me its helped me
so much, my life had gone to the edge but I found
hope and am learning to live one day at a time.
Sometimes the one's who look the craziest isnt the
alcoholic, its us! The effects begin to show in our own
behavior and that behavior had an effect on those
around me.
I'm glad you had a good day and you can and deserve many more!
Hugs
liddy
Your first line says it all.
seems he may be putting his own guilt
on you by being critical of everything and
everyone around him that way he can condone
his drinking.
Have you thought of attending alanon?
I"m learning I cant change the alcoholic but
I can begin to change me its helped me
so much, my life had gone to the edge but I found
hope and am learning to live one day at a time.
Sometimes the one's who look the craziest isnt the
alcoholic, its us! The effects begin to show in our own
behavior and that behavior had an effect on those
around me.
I'm glad you had a good day and you can and deserve many more!
Hugs
liddy
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi dianalyn
Welcome to the forums.
You will find a lot of love and support here. Take a look around and read the power posts at the top of the al-anon and nar-anon forums. If you haven't already, you might want to look into a face to face meeting and perhaps alateen for your oldest daughter. This might help her understand and perhaps a bit of the "hate" will go away.
I've had mine missing for about 7 days once and he came home fine. My father once told me "God takes care of little children and drunks." I tend to believe that is true.
Enjoy your quiet time and I hope to see you around the boards.
I will be thinking of you.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Welcome to the forums.
You will find a lot of love and support here. Take a look around and read the power posts at the top of the al-anon and nar-anon forums. If you haven't already, you might want to look into a face to face meeting and perhaps alateen for your oldest daughter. This might help her understand and perhaps a bit of the "hate" will go away.
I've had mine missing for about 7 days once and he came home fine. My father once told me "God takes care of little children and drunks." I tend to believe that is true.
Enjoy your quiet time and I hope to see you around the boards.
I will be thinking of you.
Many hugs,
Debbie
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Yet another thing they seem to have in common.........
Originally posted by dianalyn00
He knows he drinks too much but believes that it isn't a big problem.
He knows he drinks too much but believes that it isn't a big problem.
"Too much" seems to imply that there is some magical amount that is okay. They refuse to even consider going without alcohol, and instead struggle to keep within that "too much" limit.
I think I'm going to add that quote to my list of things to look out for in the future. Any time I hear someone say they don't have a dependency, they just have "too many" sometimes, I will run the other way.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome dianalyn,
If your looking for support, fellowship, friendship from people who have been where you are and that now have hope and laughter back in their lives, you've come to the right place...
I suggest that you read the power-post at the beginning and find an Al-Anon meeting for you, come here as often as you'd like... YOU ARE ONLY ALONE IF YOU CHOSE TO BE.....
Keep coming back it works if you work it...
Love and prayer from one who cares.
If your looking for support, fellowship, friendship from people who have been where you are and that now have hope and laughter back in their lives, you've come to the right place...
I suggest that you read the power-post at the beginning and find an Al-Anon meeting for you, come here as often as you'd like... YOU ARE ONLY ALONE IF YOU CHOSE TO BE.....
Keep coming back it works if you work it...
Love and prayer from one who cares.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dianalyn
I just want to welcome you too, and also suggest an Al-Anon meeting if you can get to one. I promise it will change your life and help you regain your balance. Your 16 year old may gain something valuable from Ala-teen as well that would help her understand that none of this is caused by or controlled by her.
Only you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship, and you don't have to decide today. But you can decide that each day will get better and better by just focusing on yourself and your needs. You don't have to take ownership of his addiction and his bad moods. All that is his problem and you can chose to find your own happiness with or without him.
Glad you found us and hope you will join us on the road to recovery.
Hugs
Ann
I just want to welcome you too, and also suggest an Al-Anon meeting if you can get to one. I promise it will change your life and help you regain your balance. Your 16 year old may gain something valuable from Ala-teen as well that would help her understand that none of this is caused by or controlled by her.
Only you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship, and you don't have to decide today. But you can decide that each day will get better and better by just focusing on yourself and your needs. You don't have to take ownership of his addiction and his bad moods. All that is his problem and you can chose to find your own happiness with or without him.
Glad you found us and hope you will join us on the road to recovery.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi dianalyn
Hugs to you pal. Guess what? Mine left me too and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not at first, at first I was in shock. Since I had been his crutch for years, I couldn't believe he actually walked out on me and our son. Then I got angry. Oh hell, I was rock solid angry for about two months. But after I got back on my feet and figured out how to live life without him, there was a very calming effect on my life and my son's life.
Naturally, when he figured out that I was doing fine without him, he decided that he wanted to come back. That didn't happen. I told him when he left that there was no revolving door on my life. I told him that if he walked out on me and our son, that he was never coming back, and he isn't.
Just believe in yourself and your ability to get on with your life. It happens, it just doesn't seem to happen fast enough. Welcome to the board. You will find a lot of encouragement, love and support here...and that is just what you need right now.
Peace,
Gabe
Naturally, when he figured out that I was doing fine without him, he decided that he wanted to come back. That didn't happen. I told him when he left that there was no revolving door on my life. I told him that if he walked out on me and our son, that he was never coming back, and he isn't.
Just believe in yourself and your ability to get on with your life. It happens, it just doesn't seem to happen fast enough. Welcome to the board. You will find a lot of encouragement, love and support here...and that is just what you need right now.
Peace,
Gabe
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