Im new here..my life is controlled by crack

Old 03-02-2009, 06:54 AM
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Im new here..my life is controlled by crack

ok lets see, im new here.
I started dating the most wonderful guy ive ever met in august, he told me he was a recovering alcoholic & that once in a while when he was drinking that he would use crack.
well, 3.5 mths into the relationship he started drinking, I knew it wasnt a good idea, but it didnt seem like a problem & there was nothing i could do about it. So the drinking would be on friday nites. Then the drinking moved on to be maybe 2 nites a week & progressed even worse so that hed be so drunk I couldnt belive it.
About 2 months ago I woke up in the middle of the night & he was gone, and dint come back until late morning..he was honest and said when he gets really drunk, he wants "a hit" ..well i had never been around crack & had no idea how bad it was.
So to cut out the middle stuff, it progressed..and his personality started changing, i noticed that when he had an all niter craking, he would call me & break up with me..well i wasnt having that..i love this man so much.
so i been dealing with the every 2 week breakups & so on..and knew that he was getting ready to hit bottom..i thought ..how much wose can this get.
So about 2.5 weeks ago it really got bad, he started using every other day & he went from the nicest guy you can imagine to this mean person who i can hardly recognize, constantly calling me saying "im a crackhead drunk loser, you dont want me ..goodbye"..well i wasnt willing to accept that.
He usually makes really good money & alot of cash in his line of work, well he got laid off for a few weeks, but still had some side jobs for the money.
I go over there like usual on friday nite & he tells me to get out or hes calling the police (we had never even had a fight ever) and says he never loved me..ect..just get out. It took me a while to leave, and a car pulls up with a female ..well i find out its one of his dealers..these people know he has money & they prey on him..call him to tempt him constantly , even the non dealers..they use him for the crack, then steal when hes passed out & leave him with nothing. he hasnt paid any of his bills, everytihngs gonna be shut off or cancelled (good, the sooner the better). he has these dirtbags hanging around the house, its gone to hell & is so filthy & his poor puppy is being neglected.
He stopped sleeping with me a month ago(he has ED when he drunk/cracking), he is letting himself go & barely showers..but still i love this man..i wish i didnt.
So now its been 5 days, since he refuses to see me, first i got mean text messages, then sat nite he was at least communicating..but dont want to see me & yesterday same thing.
The last time i was there, he was so messed up from the crack & booze i was readt to call an ambulance, the whites of his eyes went yellow.
Im worried hes going to be dead or drive blackout drunk & kill someone or himself. I dont want to be broken up, his normal pattern is about 2months of party, then maybe 2 years sober..but according to his family, this is worst ever, hes never done crack this much.
I feel helpless here, id he was "normal" he wouldnt be treating me like this & i cant even see him, he wont allow it. I dont know what to do here..i want to be with him
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:05 AM
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Macgirl,

I am sorry for what you are going through, I know it is hard when you love someone. To see what an addict is doing to their lives is unreal, but you are not going to change him until he is ready to change. Read the sticky notes above. If I was you I would get as far away from this person as I could, he is going to drag you down to a place you don't need to go. He will lie, steal and break your heart. Save your love for someone who can give you the same in return.........sorry to sound harsh but the truth is if you stay with him it will get worse. You only have a few months invested in this person, if you stay and even if he gets cleaned up you are looking at a life time of IFssssss read what some of the girls on here have gone through you don't want it....just cut your ties and move on. (((hugs)))
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:10 AM
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I know just how you feel Macgirl.

I joined this forum today with the same heartache as you.

In my heart I know I should run far and fast......but it's hard.
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:24 AM
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Ive never been around crack users before,Although a friend of mine seems to atract them and hers do anything for it, even trade sex for it. he certainly doesnt fit the bill of what i imagined . he wouldnt steal or any of that stuff, he is very honest about it.
Ive spoken to his former GF & she knows it well, but seems to think that i got somewhere with him that she was unable to..to find what must be the root of the problem..sexual abuse from his father.
I know i cant make him stop, and tried my hardest not to enable him ..the only thing i was doing is driving him to his crack dealer..becuase if i didnt he was going to drive there himself, in blackout drunk condition. he has enough DUI's that if he gets caught now, its 5 years mandatory, which means he wont get out until he is 50 & i felt i was possibly preventing him from killing self or some innocent family on the road by doing the driving myself.
He didnt want me to bring him, i had to be pretty attiment about it, he dont want me to see him like that. I know he IS and thinks hes doing me a big favor by pushing me away..but even though its only been 7 months, he is the love of my life, it took me a long time to find what we "had" .
He has been on what he calls "a roll" for 3.5mths now. The money is almost gone & luckily his crakr buddies dont share ..im sitting here with my fingers crossed thinking its going to be over anytime now..when he was sober he told me that he stops when the moneys gone & he hits bottom ..well..i thought this was bottom ..but maybe theres worse ??.
Bottom line is, what we have when hes sober is worth dealing with this, but i need to figure out how to deal better. Ive never been in a relationship with a substance abuser , so its new territory for me. I myself am an addict..but a food addict..but have somehow managed to just about beat it over the past 2 years ..i guess by realizing it was an addiction & to treat it that way. So i understand what hes going through, becuase my addiction is harder, you HAVE to eat & see food commercials ..ect..you dont NEED crack/booze to stay alive...
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:29 AM
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((Macgirl)))

I'm a recovering crack addict, and Anvil is right...This IS how he is..I was just as bad, although I didn't drink...that would have messed up my crack high.

He's doing you a favor by not seeing you. My XABF (the one I was with, and did crack with) is almost 50 years old, and would still be smoking crack if he wasn't locked up, right now.

You can't make a peson get clean...you just can't. No one can, but the addict themselves.

He is living the life of a die-hard crack addict. I've been there, until I hit my bottom...because the people who loved me LET me. I found recovery, and I've got almost 2 years clean...only because everyone who loved me, got out of my way and let me fall on my face, and find a way to get back on my feet. They have supported my RECOVERY....they refused to support my addiction.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:29 AM
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"im a crackhead drunk loser, you dont want me ..goodbye"..
When someone tells you something like this it is best to just go ahead and believe them.

I wish the most wonderful guy I had ever met in my life had told me this 12 years ago instead of finding out the hard way that I was going to end up in the worst place imaginable...run girl run.

I know you don't want to but believe me you do not want to go the hell where he will take you. RUN girl please....

Listen sexual abuse does not make someone be a crack addict but, any excuse to use will do ya know...
If the dealers who are coming to him were gone he would find someone else believe me. Don't believe he is not having sex with someone else either...
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:30 AM
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Oh yes..from bringing him to his crack dealers (he has 3)..ive got all thier plate #'s & info & had a nice loong conversation with the local vice detective. Im not the snitch type..but I feel like if i can get these people to stop calling him, then it will be that much harder for him to get it. I will take them down 1 by 1 if i have to. And, by me discussing this with the detectives, they know who i am and if we get back together..at least if im on one of his crack runs & it gets busted ..im NOT getting in trouble, becuase ive provided them with such great information, theyve been very appreciative
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:34 AM
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Girl

You are treading on some very dangerous territory you can not make him get clean by turning in his dealers and you could end up dead...
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:42 AM
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((Macgirl))

Honey, you can give them the dealers plate numbers all you want...he will get the crack somewhere else. Crack dealers are a dime a dozen. Not to mention, some of them are pretty nasty and you are putting YOUR life in danger. I speak from experience. They don't take this stuff lightly...your home, your vehicle and anything else are at risk if you jeopardize their livelihood.

For every crack dealer you get locked up, there are a dozen more to take his place. They usually get bonded out, the same day...and are madder than he!!. I LIVED with the crack dealers for 2 years...I'm not exaggerating.

I want to also mention that driving him to his dealer is putting your freedom in danger. If you're caught, you are, at the very least, going to get a ticket, if not go to jail, with him.

As far as what he won't do, like stealing? Don't count on it. I swore I would never sell my body for crack...yeah, right. I did. I was a highly certified RN when I got hooked on this crap. I ended up a homeless, street-walking prostitute. Don't discount what this stuff will do to a person, and just because he got off of it before, and got straightened out, doesn't mean he will do it again...he won't unless he wants to, or he faces consequences bad enough he has to.

You are in dangerous waters, my friend, and you are getting in deep.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:44 AM
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So Mr. Wonderful has several DUIs and one more will get him a mandatory prison sentance and so, you are saving him from realizing the consequences, and choose to drive him to his dealer's house.

Addiction is progressive. The outcome is prison or death. Sounds to me like you are driving the hearse. What about this strikes you as being normal?

Do you see how you are getting sucked into this? I don't know you but I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:45 AM
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I was worried that he might have sex with others, even though i know he is not a cheater & never has ..surprisingly he has STRICT morals in that dept..lol..but thank goodness (for me) it stopped working about a month ago. When he was sober he told me that he gets severe ED when hes partrying now that hes older...and even though hed like to have sex..it just dont work.
he has a roomate & the roomate is a older teenager who has seen what i go through & at least he keeps me updated on what goes on in that house when im not there..weve become good friends & hes my little spy. there are 2 women who deliver & smoke with him,when he passes out, they steal from him & leave..and i told roomate to let them do it & dont mention a thing..becuase the faster he has nothing, the closer he will be to the road to recovery.
the rest are opportunistic siblings who extort his weakness for their gain..nice family .

i was doing his laundry & shopping & maintaing his house..until i found this forum & realized by doing that i could delay his recovery..so i stopped. I also was trying to talk him into paying his mortage/bills when he got his check & he was in the habit of making me hold his wallet so he wouldnt blow it all on crack ..well i stopped doing that too..let him spend it all or have it stolen..the sooner the better.
I know everyobody who goes through this understands what im going through, and theres some of us who love the person so much that they are willing to deal with it. To me its worth it, he is soo good & we are so good together when he is sober, ive never met a man like him & while i know this side of him is no good for me, im just not willing to let him go. when hes sober he apolagizes, ect..says im too good for him & dont deserve this, well i sure dont deserve it..but ive got to learn how to handle it a little better.
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:49 AM
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Macgirl-Please take heed of the advice you are being given by all the ladies above. They have alot of experience. I fear for you.

(outtolunch-i hope you are female! im quite new to SR!)
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:52 AM
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I have to agree with outtolunch if you love him let him get arrested, he will be safe in prison and alive. I am having a hard time believing your my age and willing to lower yourself for this person you have only known a short time......I don't care how wonderful things are when he isn't using he's using now and you need to run, save yourself.
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:53 AM
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((Macgirl))) - I truly hope you hit your bottom with him, before he destroys you, because I think he has the potential to do it.

I understand your thinking, that the sober him is worth hanging onto. I just don't think you realize that you may not see that side of him again, for a long, long time..if ever. Or if you do, it will only be in glimpses...that what you see, now, is the best it's going to be.

I do hope that you can focus on what YOU want, instead of how to "handle this better"..what makes YOU happy..totally apart from anything that's going on with him. We each have our own lives, apart from our mates or significant others. Try focusing on YOU, and let him deal with him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by macgirl View Post
ive never met a man like him & while i know this side of him is no good for me, im just not willing to let him go.
Well, there you go! Your life will continue to be controlled by crack.

People who have been where you are at can share their experiences till the cows come home, but in the end, it's all a moot point, no?
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Old 03-02-2009, 08:01 AM
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welcome to S.R. i hate to be the one to tell you but it is going to get MUCH worse. my son is a crack addict. it is one of the hardest drugs to get off of. it is a roller coaster. stop it now. look after you & run as fast as u can. the respect dies & so does the love. he can not hitt his bottom if u do not let him fall. his problem is not about you,it is all about him. he will not have time for you. read around. learn your recovery. this is a wonderful site & we have all been there with someone we love.saying prayers for u & your b.f. i am sorry this is so blunt but if it was a b.f. or a husband i would detach & never see them again.it is a terrible life to live.
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Old 03-02-2009, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by macgirl View Post
Oh yes..from bringing him to his crack dealers (he has 3)..ive got all thier plate #'s & info & had a nice loong conversation with the local vice detective. Im not the snitch type..but I feel like if i can get these people to stop calling him, then it will be that much harder for him to get it. I will take them down 1 by 1 if i have to. And, by me discussing this with the detectives, they know who i am and if we get back together..at least if im on one of his crack runs & it gets busted ..im NOT getting in trouble, becuase ive provided them with such great information, theyve been very appreciative
Back when my daughter was active in her addiction, I maintained a list of names, license plate #, cell #, addresses of everyone. I turned this list over to the Police. That was when I learned it's not illegal to be an addict and they do not have the recources to track down every addict and dealer and make the world a better place.

I imposed myself in drug deals and held my ground longer then the dealer could. I pulled my daughter out of a home filled with addicts, filth and feces. How I did not end up with a bullet in my head is beyond me.

I talked to her. I cried. I begged. I bargained with the devil. I did everything I could to try and CONTROL her and her addiction. I knew I could fix her.

I was insane with my own need/compulsion to control and fix her. I was going to do what no one has ever done. This mama's love was going to fix it.

I was mistaken. I realized that my quest was all about me. And that's when I let go, let God.
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Old 03-02-2009, 08:05 AM
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What he was when you first met is in the past - that person may or may not surface again but that is in the future and is an illusion you hold onto. All that matters is what he is today and today he is an addict in active addiction. If you dont let go this is going to spin out of control quickly and you will be caught in the cross-fire. just take a step back and out of his circle for a while. you dont have to make decisions on ending it or staying with it just choose to stay out while its this crazy.
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Old 03-02-2009, 08:21 AM
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He has been on what he calls "a roll" for 3.5mths now.
This is half of your relationship 7 months is a very short time.

My husband, 3 siblings, and a niece are all crack addicts. They all have huge talent, great beauty, college degrees, and intelligence but they all are liars,cheaters, and put crack before their families & work and even their own real needs.

I used to think that my H was worth it but he is not. The glimpses of who he is deep down inside only show up when he wants my help to get dope or to get me out of his way to get dope.

I have gone thru this trying to get them clean thing X's 5 and it did not work the most loving thing you can possibly do is get out of his way so he does not have the bad karma of dragging you down with him.

What you are feeling is not love but, a very powerful obsession. I say this with a lot of love and compassion for what you are going thru: Love don't put up with crap kiddo...
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Old 03-02-2009, 08:25 AM
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Ive actually known him for 25 years becuase i had a crush on him when i was a teenager..but he was older..ect. I didnt see him for years except every once in a while becuase that circle or friends all got into severe addictions.

His ex that ive been speaking to gave me the run down, which was just what he told me when he had 2 years sober (when we started dating)..that he stays sober for around 2 years, then goes on a 2mth or so bender, then hes good again til another 2 years or so & he gets the calling.
SO i guess im just waiting for this bender to be over..I could have lived with the one/two days a week drinking, cuz he was still really nice & stuff & maintaned a normal life...its when it got out of hand & the crack use started that it became difficult. I know i cant make him quit & all my reading on here earning about enabling & co-dependent stuff has taught me alot.
Im trying to do what his friends/family could never do..just let him fall. They always would bail him out financilly..ect..well ive never given him a dime.

I have such a hard time with the fact that that drug can make the nicest, most empathetic/giving/shairing/honest person into a mean hateful monster, it just amazes me.
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