cece1960

I haven't posted details about myself in a while, but I think I need to talk, to come clean.
Sorry this may get long.

Several years ago I arrived at SR a broken person. I stumbled across this site after spending two days in the fetal position on the couch. Constables had just taken my 19 y/o son to be booked due to a DUI with drug charges attached. They played an interesting Starsky and Hutch routine that sent me over the edge.

I didn't know he was an addict just a few months before, until the two OD incidents and calls from the hospital.
When I got here, I heard what is often said today...and I bulked. This is MY son. I can't turn him out, shut him off etc etc.
I finally listened, because something kept me coming back.
I learned
He learned
Things got better and I became a shining example of recovery.
(key to that phrase may be he learned...jury is still out on that)

Fast forward to 1.5 years ago. Son is involved in work related accident. The pills are prescribed, disappear way too quickly, he begins losing weight.
A year goes by and I slip into denial.
He OD again...heroin. This time he flat-lined.

As you might guess, this is followed by lying, loss of job, erratic behavior. Last week he stole from me, again. I tell him I'm done, and the one thing I ALWAYS claimed I would never accept is a lack of respect.
The respect is slipping now too.
He called tonight, vicious in his demeanor, he needs money, I said no.

I realized this weekend that I had slipped, big time. I got complacent, I chose to ignore what was right in front of me. I kept beating myself up because I should've known better...I'm a Mod on Sr, right? My son thinks I hate him (he couldn't be more wrong). I allowed myself to see, again, the three year old who wanted a choo-choo train for Christmas, the one who told his friends I was the "best Mom" in the world. I chose not to see the addict.

So, I'm back posting and I'm struggling, again.
I will try to post here more often but in the meantime...

Thank you...to the newbies who are raw and fresh and wrestling with the concepts of detaching and saying no and feeling as if you've deserted the one you love. I understand, I "know" better yet I struggle with you. My heart seems to have a learning disability. I learn from you.

Thank you...to those who are making progress. Wow, I remember wondering how something that not so long ago felt so wrong, now feels so right. I'm walking with you. I learn from you.

Thank you...to the "hard-a$$es" that put it out there as fact. I need to hear it. I want what you have...conviction in your actions. I want to stop my heart from hurting, as I was able to do before. I learn from you.

Thank you SR...all of you. :ghug

(((Hugs)))

Impurrfect

(((Cece)))) I think, no matter how long we are in codie recovery, we will still have times when we have to go back to step 1. The good thing is, after we've done it a few times, we don't fight as long against doing it...or at least I don't...it's more like "oh boy, here we go again".

I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad you're here and reaching out. We all need to be reminded that no matter how long we do this recovery thing...you never know when we might just be back at step 1.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

CatsPajamas

Awww Cece, I love you so much. Our "codie slips" are nearly as dangerous and devastating as our A's slips... sometimes more so.

I have a lot of recovery too - but I still mess up. I slip, I become complacent, I practice denial. What I have learned is that it happens, I recognize it more quickly, I find my balance again. My recovery friends are there to pick me up, dust the brambles off my butt and walk with me again. We hold hands and hold each other up thru the scary parts. That's just what we do. I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who has done it perfectly. We do the best we can at the time.... and as I've said many times before, this mom stuff ain't for weenies. Some detachment is easier than others.

Hugs from mom to mom
Cats

greeteachday

(((((Cece))))) When I had active addiction in my face, I had to work my recovery hard...keep it right in front of me all the time. By doing that, the recovery thoughts started over-riding the obsessing thoughts and gradually I started feeling better.
I've never gotten to the point where it doesn't make me sad, but I just let myself go there for a little while. I make myself do a gratitude list if I find myself slipping into the dulldrums...I can't be depressed or in a victim mode and be grateful at the same time.

You've got tons of tools and I know you can use them. Your eyes are opened and you will find your way back to that better spot. My prayers are with you and your son, that he finds his way soon now that mom has let him know enough is enough and she won't go down with him. Hugs

MyJoey

Wow cece,
I am so sorry and I understand how your heart hurts, it is so hard to turn away from your child. As parents they fall and we want to pick them up kiss them and make it better. I think it is hard for us to accept (it is for me) that we can't do that with an addict, it don't work. I am also so happy to have SR and all people on this site are wonderful including yourself we have a place to share our pains and joys, but the best part is we are all pulling and praying for each other, we feel the pain of others that are having to deal with the same issues. OOO and we hear what we need like it or not, but you know it helps. My hugs and prays to and your son. Julie

DesertEyes

wow cece, your honesty and courage are inspiring.

What I have learned about recovery is that I will never "graduate". It is _not_ like riding a bicycle, that you can always pick up where you left off. For me recovery is like going up the down escalator, I've got to do a little bit every single day.

I also arrived at SR broken. I'd lost my marriage, my business, my health, my home and my savings. I had to move outta town to get a job. I was an emotional train wreck. At the time I had a couple _decades_ in recovery. Did I work my program to handle those challenges that life threw at me?

Nah. I had my own big-time slip too.

SR and all the fine people here were a big part in patching me up and getting me back on my feet.

After my emotional disaster with my pill addicted ex-wife I _swore_ I would never get emotionally involved with another addict. Never. I meant it. Really I did.

So what am I doing now? I'm dating a food addict.

That's why I keep coming back to SR. That's why I keep going to meetings and hanging out my sponsor and sponsoring other guys and get on my knees and pray every day and do all the stuff I do. Because recovery is not something I learned and packed away. Recovery is something I put on every morning to protect me from the hardships of life.

Some days I forget my umbrella. Some days I forget my recovery. Fortunately, my HP has put a whole pile of wonderful people in my life, as well as a little website called SR, where I can come dry off, get a bit of recovery medicine and get back on my emotional feet. _You_ are one of those people, you with your courage and your honesty and your relentless optimism.

We're all here for you, cece, just like you have been here for so many of us again and again and again. You and your son are in my prayers every single day.

Mike

Freedom1990

Well the dam burst here and now I'm crying. That tugged at my heartstrings like you wouldn't believe because I've been there, more than once.

You're human. We all are.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs on the Kansas winds. :ghug :ghug

shockozulu

There is so much great ESH in this thread. Appreciate all of you who have shared.

Thanks Cece for starting this thread. I have a feeling it was really tough.

For me, it is tougher to break my codieness to my addicted mom than it was to break my drug and cigarette addiction. I too have recently relapsed in my recovery with her which is why I've been posting here again.

((( Cece)))

Ann

Cece, your sharing here touched my heart like nothing else has for a long time, because I need the reminder to keep my recovery fresh, to be very cautious of complacency and most of all, to remain grateful for all the courageous and wonderful friends here, who walk with me.

I am sorry your son has slipped back to his old ways, I know how deeply it hurts because we never ever get used to watching our loved ones destroy themselves. But he has something today that he did not have a while back...he has some good recovery under his belt and having tasted that, I have hope that his journey will be shorter this time. Yours too, as much as it hurts, we know the drill and find our way faster each time we go through this.

You and your boy are in my prayers each day.

marle

(((cece))) It is so much easier to work recovery when they are clean and doing well. One of my big fears is that I won't be able to handle it if my daughter relapses. Seeing you are getting back on the horse helps me to know that I will be able to do it too. Thank you for being so honest. Hugs, Marle

outonalimb

(((((Cece))))))))

I'm so grateful for your post. I've missed you... I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle and your son's relapse. You are both in my prayers.

I know you have your tools...I know you have a whole host of people here at SR walking beside you as you get back to the basics of your recovery...I know you'll figure it out and find your way...but for now, I'm sure it hurts because it doesn't matter how many times we've been on the rollercoaster, its still a scary place to be. Take a deep breath cece...and let your HP take the wheel for a while.

big hugs...

historyteach

(((Cece)))

You're a shining model of recovery, and I thank you for sharing your story.
I've slipped on this journey more times than I care to remember.
But, I catch myself quicker. And I guess that's the biggest benefit of recovery. I don't have to stay laying in the gutter, so to speak, as long.

Trevor is in jail again. And this time, I was determined not to visit. I saw no reason. He's making it a lifestyle, and it's not a lifestyle I want any part of. I let it be known to him his last stay that if he went in again, not to expect anything from me; visits, money, nothing. Well, his first love died -- of an overdose, of course. And he had to be told while he was still in a place that could oversee his condition. (His best friend died @ 1 1/2 years ago while he was in the hospital, and it was very bad). So, I went up. I had to tell him. Sometimes, our plans just don't don't work out the way we expect.

And it's the same with our recovery. We think that when we finally get our recovery, we learn the tools, that it's ours for good. But, we're human. And when it comes to our loved ones, well, we're more likely to succumb to our own frailties.

Glad to see that your back on the road to recovery. It's the best we can do. And that's why you are that shining model of recovery and an inspiration to all of us. And I'm grateful to call you "friend."

Shalom!

Cynay

That brought tears to my eyes Cece.... thank you so much for sharing.

lovemykids

This is what I have been doing a lot of lately too, thinking back to times like when my ad was 3 and I had a wooden doll house hand built by seniors at a retirement home for Christmas and how when she first saw it how she gasped and just stood there blinking and then made a run for the doll house lol.

I think about when my girls were in gymnastics,bowling,basketball,dance, and soccer and all of the games we would go to and take picnics even in the winter, we had picnics inside the buildings.

I think about how close my daughters were when they were younger, how my ad would ask her sister to sleep with her because she was scared of the dark but yet her younger sister couldn't sleep with any lights on so they would whisper while in bed for the longest time until they were both too tired to care if there was a light on or not.

It is ongoing......

Then comes the heartache which I have to remember too because if I don't remember it then I don't feel like I can be there for them when they do get clean/stay clean etc...

I remember ad calling me a "bitch" for the first time because she was grounded and left the yard to get money out of her account, I called the cops and had her account changed so that she couldn't get access to her money from her summer job without my signature as she was a minor.

Over the last year I have gone through my oldest daughter changing so that I didn't even know who she was with taking off, quiting school, becoming a drug addict, being told she had herpes only to have her blood work done etc 3 months later to find out it had been a very bad yeast infection, moving out with her boyfriend prior to that ( I listened to the social worker ) it is ongoing..which finally thank goodness has led to getting the help she needs in Rehab.

Over the last year I have gone through with my youngest daughter, finding out she has a drinking problem, she had been taking drugs, stealing from a store, possible S.T.D, we are getting that checked this week, going from an honor student to a failing student, the list is ongoing there too.

There is a saying that God doesn't give out more then someone can handle (or something like that) and there were times when I was angry too and thought that was a crock but here I am, here we All are.

Maybe there is a reason behind all of this madness, like how you Cece and others here help people like me and all of the other members whether they have been here for a long time or are a newbie.

I am so sorry for your pain, I do understand

liesagain

thank you for sharing this with us...............hugs and prayers for you and your son.

recovery from addiction is a daily thing for the remainder of our addicts lives and for ours
so easy it is for any and all of us to forget that because we want soooo much for them to be fixed, to be cured
but there is no cure all we have is a daily reprieve

we continue to work on ourselves and we continue to place them in Hp's hands and pray
you will be in my thoughts

splendra

(((((cece1960))))))

I am so sorry that you are going thru this again. I know it does not get any easier...

winnie12

The hard part of having an addict for a child is that you cant ever completely move on from them. Even if you distance yourself you'll still love them and want to help them in life. I try not to worry but i do have that nagging feeling tugging at my heart of what i'll do when he's 18, 25, 40 - will he still come running to me when times are tough. I know that as long as we are both alive there are some things he will still come to mom about - mostly his medical condition. I made a promise to myself that as long as I live I would provide insulin for him if he couldnt pay for it - but how will i deal with it if he pulls me into his addiction with that later. I know that while he's starting out he is going to need help because of his medical needs but where will the line be. Its not a time that i look forward to and i'm pretty sure that I too will make a good deal of mistakes. Hopefully, like you i'll learn from each mistake and move forward.

Serenity Bound

cece, Thank you for sharing. I believe that we codies (mom's) have to work our program each and every day, just as the addcit does. I believe that we each can get complacent, I know I do. One of my meeting members likes to tell newcomers, just because there are 12 steps, that doesn't mean 12 weeks & you graduate.

Thanks to you, SR, Nar-anon and the like, we can realize our mistakes, our slips and get right back to where we belong. Thanks to the above also we can get the love & support that we need.

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris