escape artist

i had a profound dream last nite after talking to my younger sister who told me she thought i had trust issues because of what we grew up in. i really didn't understand exactly -maybe didn't want to pinpoint what she was getting at. but my dream spoke of it quite clearly. something i want to write down as i think i may need to look back on it again. but my A father had violated my little sister as a young girl-in my dream he was physically violent- he was choking her- and i witnessed it and then there was my mother- who seemed to be trying to find out what i was going or if i was going to respond to what i had just witnessed. i was angry. it was not right, and there was my mom almost seemingly asking me to forget about it, or not make a big deal about it---i don't know what--but my thoughts and response was 'this was wrong and it should not be allowed to ever happen again- and i was mad about it. and i am sure i would not let them get away with it. and i woke up.

that was a betrayal of trust -from both of them. terrified of your father, thinking you are safe with your mother, yet she does nothing to stop it as well. maybe my sister is very right about this.

DesertEyes

That does sound like a wonderful insight. I was raised in a similar family. The adult males abusing and violating the kids, and the adult females doing nothing to protect us. Trust issues? I dunno about you, but I sure had 'em by the bucket load.

Took me a lot of work in 12 step programs and a couple good shrinks to get those issues dug out, but I eventually did.

Mike

GiveLove

Do you see a counselor, escape artist? Dreams are such great "material" for a counselor to help us light up the dark places we still haven't explored. I personally believe that our reaction in the dream -- in your case anger, indignance -- is a great sign.

If we were just being chased and hurt helplessly and wake up crying, that's one stage of recognition; when we wake up clearly angry, that's another; and when we deal with things in the dream (I had a dream recently about me leaving my parents to go be raised by benevolent tigers!) and wake up calm and "okay," then we're moving up the ladder toward healing.

I have trust issues too, btw. The trick for me is to acknowledge them, figure out what wants to be protected within me, and find a way to be fair & serene while caring for my own needs. It's a balancing act that I'm sure I'll be working on for life, but it's not so bad once you get the hang of it

escape artist

yes, what was strange was how i was still in the dream, but my conscious mind was clearly forming my thoughts as if i were saying them aloud. and in my dream i did have such an exchange with my mother as to the fact that it was unacceptable and i was going to "do" something about it, whether it affected her adversely or not.
i do not see a counselor now, but i am trying to be more aware of how this particular "trust" issue is affecting my other relationships-especially with the men in my life, but maybe even moreso with the women in my life? my mother is dead now. my father is not.

escape artist

more.....when my mother died, i had the most overwhelming feeling of betrayal which i could not figure out why i was feeling that way and the closest thing to me was my AH and i feared he was molesting our daughters. I had never felt such a Huge "betrayal of trust" but now i am wondering if this may have been linked to my mother instead. wow. there was never any basis for it being something he actually did..and my girls since (this was in 04) are just fine. so i am pretty sure they were not molested by him.
i also had tried to determine if it has been some kind of molestation to me in my youth, but i really don't know of anything or feel anything to that effect. however, my dad did actually choke me when i accidentally woke him up-maybe he was sleeping off a drunk-i was not aware of any of that at that age.

so would this be where the codependence issue of trying to recreate something to make it right comes in?

GiveLove

Might be. I don't see that trying to make something right always has to be a codependent trait, though. Trying to fix things that happened long ago might be a kind of gray area there. For me, I think it's codependent if I'm trying to change the past or change someone else. But if my subconscious is working hard to find a new way for ME to learn and grow from a bad experience, I don't see that as codie.

How I react in dreams is almost always a compass that points to opportunities to become stronger and wiser, if I listen. I wish I dreamed all the time....I'd learn so much

p.s. EA, why did your sister say you had trust issues? Like I mentioned above, I have them too. But usually they're learned behaviors -- people act in some sort of untrustworthy manner, and so I react by not investing any more trust in them. No crisis or hand-wringing in it - I just move on. Is that supposed to be a bad thing, I wonder?

escape artist

GL- thanks for the question, i have been thinking of it for awhile. For a long time, i felt i could "trust" how i felt about other people and follow with that, but in retrospect of my failed relationships (which were doozies) i began to doubt my ability to trust my instincts. since my last alcoholic failed marriage, i am alot less trusting of pretty much anything and anybody. and as much as i keep most of my sick family at arms length-there are times when i interact with them and so it is not that easy to just move on...my recent relationship is another learning experience in itself, trying to have a relationship using new healthy non codependent attitudes with what feels like one foot left in dealing with more addictive behaviors- recycling - or is it me i ask.( i cannot even tell the difference between someone who drinks moderately versus someone who is an addict. because i swear i have searched, and around me i have yet to see anyone who was a nondrinker and wasn't some kind of freak in another way. maybe i just live in hell where everyone is either a freak or drunk (it's a small town).)

but to hear my younger sister tell me this (she has seen lots of therapists in the past 10 years)-her traumas of living w/ the A father and codie mother are (in my opinion) probably worse than mine were -because i shared it with 5 other siblings whereas she was the baby and grew up relatively without us and had most of the crap focused on just her! so we bounce things off of each other and sometimes i think she reflects accurately things which i do not see. she thinks i don't very easily allow people in my life to love me. i call it protection.