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Stressed and confused - I still have feelings for my alcoholic ex



Stressed and confused - I still have feelings for my alcoholic ex

Old 03-01-2009, 01:05 PM
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Stressed and confused - I still have feelings for my alcoholic ex

Hello all. I am a newbie to the site but have looked around on different threads and forums and have liked the advice and insight I have seen. The strength and honesty of people here is very powerful and inspiring. I guess I am asking for advice on my situation (surprise, surprise it's about an ex who is an alcoholic and whom I still have feelings for). I will do my best to paraphrase... but I am sorry this is so long.
I am 25, my ex is 29.

I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. We lived together for about 1.5 of them. It was excellent at the beginning, and we loved each other so much, though I did notice he would drink a lot but didn't really think of it as a problem. Though during about the last year of our relationship it was a rocky road and became quite obvious to me in about the 4 months before we took our break that he had a drinking problem. He also became more withdrawn from me and wouldn't communicate with me about how he was feeling despite my pleas and I could tell something was very wrong. We were both scared to be apart, but we ultimately made the choice to go on a break.

I moved out and told him he needed to start AA - to which he said he knew and agreed. This was Feb of 2008. At the beginning of our contact during our break - I was disappointed with his communication with me - I felt he wasn't listening to me when I spoke (about anything, not alcoholism), and felt disheartened and bad about our whole situation. I told him everything and tried to break up with him. I really just felt at the time that I needed to be free. Though, he said he understood where I was coming from, he asked me that if I still had any feelings to hold on to them and consider the possibility of a future together. Though it went against my better judgement at the time - I agreed, because I still did have feelings for him. I loved him so much - but was so frustrated at how he seemed to be hard to reach and untalkative during our conversations.

From June - Aug, I got a summer job in the field that I had been studying at school, though it was in a different town about 2 hours away from him and my home base. He was very supportive of this and drove me to the interview. I was alone for these months in small different town. He only visited me once - and it was an amazing visit. We acted very much like we were going out and he seemed like a new person - we talked, joked, had so much fun. He told me about the program, and things seemed to be going well with him. I was SO happy when he visited. He never was able to come down to visit me again - he had too much going on and said he didnt want to get overwhelmed with commitments or things that were too emotional. He was taking things one day at a time and was taking the program very seriously. I was frustrated that he couldn't come but played it cool to him - I took this time to learn about alcoholism, and Al Anon (through books) and looked inward to some issues I felt I needed to sort out (social axiety, mostly). I understood better that each day is a struggle for him, and he is doing the best he can. We talked on the phone sometimes and kept it friendly.

After the summer when I moved back I began getting more help for my issues and have been working on myself. He and I were in brief contact on email, but it had been a looong time since I had seen him. We tried a few times to get together but couldn't for a variety of reasons (death in my family, moving for me and for him, and me not wanting to be overly pushy so I was reserved, maybe too much so, in making plans with him). I came to feel that he no longer wanted me in his life because we didn't seem to be getting together, and sent him an emailing telling him that I needed closure because it was obvious he no longer wanted me in his life, was sorry things turned out this way but that I wish him all the best in life. He replied telling me that he does want me in his life, but that he thinks I deserve better friends than him and that he values my judgement and friendship more than anyone elses' and has a hard time facing the crap he put me though. He told me he was trying to do what was best for us, and was trying to learn to not be selfish. He said he hoped that I could forgive him. I told him I did, and thanked him for opening up and told him hopefully we'll be able to hang out again as friends. Once again, this didnt happen. He invited me to things - but for almost 4 months - nothing seemed to pan out so once again (last week) I sent him a message asking him if he still wanted me in his life and that it was a horrible feeling not knowing, and that all i wanted was a yes or no answer. He replied that he had been thinking about me and that he was sorry - he just tends to get focused on one thing (work) and lets things fall aside (a few months before he got sober he landed his dream job) but he wants to see me and talk and chat and that it meant a lot to him that he was hearing from me. It was an uncharacteristically long email from him and it seemed to show genuine interest.

2 days later he drove to my place to meet up (coincidentally on his exact sobreity anniversary) and we hit it off - it was amazing - we were so proud of where each other was in life - we talked about our issues, our families, set backs, breakthroughs, he asked me all sorts of questions, was caring and as I opened up about my social anxiety he really responded well. I think SA and alcoholism have fear, and a warped sense of reality in common. We did not talk about the past, and also didn't mention if we were seeing other people. At the end of our convo he invited me to see a movie the next week. We are meeting again on Tuesday to hang out.

I am just curious about the motivations of all of this. I'm wondering if I'm getting sucked into a friend zone? Or do you think he might have feelings left for me? It's his one year in AA. He goes to meetings almost daily - I know this is a long road that he will be travelling for the rest of his life. But I also know that I still love him and want the possibility of a future together. He is such a courageous, smart, and supportive man. I loved our times together and want to start a new life together.

Should I tell him this when we meet next? Or will this add too much stress to his life? Do you think he's just contacting me as part of the AA step of making amends and asking for forgiveness? I would love a fresh perspective on this.

(Further complicating matters is that I will be going to Europe on a trip with a girlfriend for 2 months starting April1st).

thank you for listening, it means a lot

Last edited by ChangeIsHard; 03-01-2009 at 01:34 PM. Reason: adding paragraphs
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Old 03-01-2009, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by ChangeIsHard View Post
Hello all. I am a newbie to the site but have looked around on different threads and forums and have liked the advice and insight I have seen. The strength and honesty of people here is very powerful and inspiring. I guess I am asking for advice on my situation (surprise, surprise it's about an ex who is an alcoholic and whom I still have feelings for). I will do my best to paraphrase... but I am sorry this is so long.
I am 25, my ex is 29.
I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years.
welcome!!!

No problem with the length, but do try to break your posts up into separate paragraphs.
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Old 03-01-2009, 02:12 PM
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Listen to your gut instincts. You know what he's been like before, and there's a chance he is still like this.

I sense you're holding some expectations, which is perfectly all right and human. It's okay to hope that he has resolved his drinking issues, and has re-identified with the wonderful parts of himself that first attracted you. But do be prepared for all possibilities: whether he's drinking, whether he's seeing someone, whether he's being honest, whether he's truly listening to you and respecting your well-being. Be prepared to handle your own reactions and know what your boundaries are.


We did not talk about the past, and also didn't mention if we were seeing other people.
This really sticks out to me - you're both letting each other know that the door is possibly open. Once again, that's all right. But use this reunion to figure exactly where he's at these days, and IF you are interested, whether it would truly work for YOU. Don't get swept up to quickly in sweet, affectionate behavior - especially if it distracts from answering any questions. The most important thing here is that whether he has succeeded in sobriety or not, you will not let this chance encounter have the power to throw your life off balance.
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:52 PM
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Thank you so much dothi for your time and reply. you're right, i should prepare myself for all possibilities. It is so difficult though! i know i will be majorly disappointed if he doesn't want to/is not in a place to reciprocate my feelings.

it's funny how de-stressing and relieving getting clear, and balanced advice can be.
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Old 03-02-2009, 09:57 AM
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I don't think you've done anything wrong here, and I understand the feeling of having high expectations. I think you're wise to proceed cautiously, and IF by chance he has truly grown, and you still love the person he is, and you guys both want it, you can proceed again with a relationship. And if he doesn't want to, or if you get the sense he hasn't really changed after all, even though it will hurt like hell, remind yourself that you dodged a bullet. After all, even in the best case scenario, you will still have to remain cautious for most of your life, and still have some fairly heavy burdens to shoulder. j
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