I Guess Feeling Crazy is a Symptom..

Old 02-28-2009, 10:46 PM
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I Guess Feeling Crazy is a Symptom..

Hi...I'm new to this site but so happy I found it. I'm literally feeling like I'm going crazy. My AH has had a love-affair with Vicodin for the last 1 1/2 years. I think he always has liked it but a coworker approached him when he started his job and has been 'hooking him up' ever since.

My story seems to follow the same outline as everyone else...but since our last confrontation last week, my AH has gotten almost arrogant about not buying the pills. He's in my face and verbally assaulting me. Last week, I called the coworker and threatened him and he agreed to not sell to my husband (yeah right!). I also updated his father on everything. I 'let go' of it all for a while and I think my husband thought he was getting away with it. I think he's mad because he's pissed about me knowing the latest and telling his dad. He doesn't know about his coworker yet.

He's totally in denial about his addiction and down plays all the lying and damage he has done to our marriage and family. He asks how I can call him an addict when he can stop....He says he thinks the only reason I have a problem is because he doesn't have a prescription...He has now started drinking and getting in my face that everyone drinks on the weekend! He and his addiction have changed everything including me! He made an appointment with a doctor but says he's only going to check that box for me. He's threatening it's over because he wants to beat me to the punch.

I'm just so tired...feel like I'm going crazy and don't recognize myself anymore. I wake up wondering how i got here. I feel so horrible for my kids that adore him. I'm pissed because he's ruining our life together and is probably going to cause me to forever alter our course. He's systematically breaking me apart bit by bit. I feel lost and completely cut off from friends and family because of this.

How do I find me and move forward? How do I not enable or become codependent? How do I protect myself and my kids? How do I prepare for a possible separation or divorce? Help!!
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Old 03-01-2009, 12:44 AM
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(((Patterpit)))

Welcome! As always, it's sad to see a new member, but at the same time you are welcome and we do understand! Keep reading around! Don't forget to take a look at those stickies at the top of the forum.

Most of all, know you are NOT crazy! Absolutely not.

(((hugs)))
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Old 03-01-2009, 04:03 AM
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((Patterpit))

Welcome to SR!

First of all, you're not crazy. Addiction just makes you feel like you are, no matter which side you're on..I'm an RA (recovering addict) and codie (codependent).

There is some great info in the stickies (the threads at the top of this forum), and I'm sure others will be along to welcome you and give you some more ES&H (experience, strenght & hope).

One thing to learn is the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, can't cure it and you can't change it.

I believe there are also some recent posts on enabling, you may want to check out.

I would post more of MY ES&H, but I've worked all night, and my brain is shutting down

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-01-2009, 04:50 AM
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Welcome. You are not crazy... unless the rest of us are too. There are many of us with very similar experiences here. The ESH you will find is powerful. IMO...take good care of you. Start with tiny steps. Coming here is a HUGE one and you may not know it now, but you are already moving forward and helping yourself. Start to reach out to those around you. It may be difficult, but again, IMO, you will be amazed at the love and support you will find. Go slow and at your pace. It took a long time to get where you are and it won't change in an instant.

Again, welcome. Read around. Check us out and keep coming back you are on your way to a new you.
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Old 03-01-2009, 05:21 AM
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Slow down take a deep breathe. I am so sorry for your situation but welcome to a place where your story is not unusual.

I call what is going on in your house crazymaking or jumping on the hamster wheel. I would say the best thing to start doing is to stop approaching your H about his addiction. Addicts hate it when the spotlight is shown on their DOC and will deny, defend and cover up when they feel threatened with the spotlight.

The only thing you will accomplish by "talking" to him is jumping on a hamster wheel and never getting off. I also want to say that drug addicts truly dont realize the effects of their abuse on other people. They just dont. And if you continue to expect him to feel bad about his abuse you will only end up hurting yourself.

Get started on educating yourself about addiction. Their are a couple of threads about enabling and what not to do. Read those. And finally in my opinion I really think you should, for right now, not worry about divorce or leaving. To me that just adds to your already stressful situation.

For today learn how to detach and not allow his drug abuse to effect you emotionally. When you can sort things out and understand better you will be in a better frame of mind to evaluate what your next move should be.

Take care. Keep reading and posting.
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:52 AM
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I recognize those crazy feelings. Welcome to this site. You'll find a lot of crazies here. I think one of the first things we need to do is accept that you cannot change your husbands addiction. And he's not going to quit using until he's ready to quit. That will free up your energy to focus on you and the steps you need to take so you don't feel crazy anymore. Boundaries are a big one. Determine what you value in life and how you expect to be treated, and then make a list of what your personal boundaries are and how you will respond if someone violates them. Enforcing the boundaries is a tough one for lots of people. So don't set boundaries that you aren't capable of enforcing. You'll get there eventually.

You may want to check out an alanon meeting or a naranon meeting. The face to face support can be very helpful.

In the meantime keep reading and posting here. (((hugs)))
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Old 03-01-2009, 08:37 AM
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I was crazed out of my mind when I learned that my daughter was addicted to heroin.

I stalked her. I put myself in the middle of a drug deal and my nerves outlasted the dealer's. I pulled her out of a hell hole of a place where addicts gathered. I disabled others who enabled her. I was in control. I was certain I could fix the problem.

I was mistaken.

And then I stumbled on this forum and started reading. It saved my sanity. I am forever grateful.
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Old 03-01-2009, 08:45 AM
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Welcome...I think the belief that I was going crazy was when I finally hit my personal bottom and sought help...I hope it is the same for you. We don't have to live in the madness and working on ourselves through SR and meetings is what helps us to move from darkness to light. As an ex-crazy, I can tell you it is really worth it!
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Old 03-01-2009, 09:11 AM
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Thank you to all of you! I just started crying (for the first time since this all started) because I didn't feel alone or like something was wrong with me! My AH has done a fantastic job of shifty the blame and/or guilt he feels onto me. And as much as I know it's not me, it does take it's toll.
I think what's really sitting heavy on my mind are my kids. He seems to be putting them in the middle. Acting like the best dad and actually doing some pretty horrible divide and conquer moves....completely undermining me in the parenting and discipline department. He just sits back and does nothing and leaves me to shoulder the burden of the household. My 5 year old is picking up on it and starting to get sassy with me and defend daddy. I know kids sense stuff and pick up on so much more than we realize.

Anyone have advice when it comes to small kids and this situation....I'm ready to give up 'control' of husband and let him hit bottom but I want to protect my kids. It's clear my husband doesn't think he has a problem....also, should I do anything to protect myself legally and financially in case his addiction continues to spiral...and lead to him hitting bottom? I don't want him to take all of us down with him.

I'm going to continue reading...find a meeting near me and find a good therapist that I can talk to and that can keep me on track! I really think I need to unload in order to move forward and be able to 'weather my AH's storm'.
THANK YOU!
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Old 03-01-2009, 10:00 AM
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Keep being the good Mom that you are. It is so tough with the kids, because they do sense what is happening and unfortunately, will work it to their advantage. Even if they are young and not really sure of what is going on. Dad isn't going to help, because he doesn't know how. He probably just wants to be the good guy and if he is anything like my soon to be ex... he will take the easy route. Kids need structure and need to know they are loved... IMO, discipline is part of that love.

Do for you, do for the kids. Get away from the chaos as often as you can. Give yourself room to think and plan and then do what is best for you.
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