pumpkintatertot

I am new to this site or any site dealing with this type of topic but I already feel a common bond. I want to say thank you because I don't feel so alone anymore.

I have an ABF. We have been together for 4 months. I have never in my life loved anyone as much as I do him. It's actually scary to me. He has been an alcoholic for 15 years. The only sober times for him were when his XW forced him into rehab and a few times on his own. He was addicted to pain killers when I met him but has kicked that habit with a couple of slips. When he gave up the pills, the drinking got worse. He quit chewing 3 weeks ago and again the drinking has gotten worse. He is the same person when he is sober and if he has drank 20 beers. It's impossible to tell the difference. He's not abusive at all. He is completely honest. Sometimes too honest but I am glad that he can talk to me about anything. He is very helpful and caring to people. He is miserable inside so he goes out of his way to make other people happy. He knows he is an alcoholic and states he knows he needs to get help. Recently he said he needed an intervention and is surprised his mom hasn't done one yet. He has seemed lost and distant this past week.

I really don't know what to do in this situation. I have read many books on the subject. I don't pressure him about his drinking and never said a word about his pill addiction or his chewing. He chose to get rid of those addictions on his own. I only told him I supported whatever you choose to do and that I just want you to be happy. Am I too standoffish??? I don't want to push or nag in anyway and make him rebel against me when it's not necessary. We are taking this weekend off from each other to think about life-past, present and future.

Thank you once again for making me not feel so alone.

Freedom1990

First of all, welcome to SR! :ghug

My question to you is what do you want with your life?

This may be as good as it gets with him.

catlovermi

Within a four month time span, a "couple of slips" (and that would be the ones that you know about, so be sure there are more) isn't "kicked this habit" but rather still active addiction. So, you are dealing with active alcoholism AND drug addiction.

Addicts are famous for being the most incredible, charming, loving, romantic, attentive, "open," and "honest" partner, etc., etc., at times. These are false skills (i.e. manipulation) they have learned to keep those people around them that they want. Why? Because without those highly tuned manipulation skills to appear the ideal lover, a normal person would quickly leave them. They learn these skills to keep people around them in the face of all the damage their addiction does to the loved one.

CLMI

mtr

Dear Pumpkintatertot,

Welcome to SR! You WILL receive straightforward feedback from this group so be ready. I will advise you like others have advised me - Read! Read and learn as much as you can about his alcohol sickness and substance abuse. You really need to know what you are dealing with and how all of his vices are affecting his behavior. From there it's your decision to hang in there with him or not.

Again, welcome.

pumpkintatertot

Yes, I am dealing with his addictions to both. Once an addict always an addict, even when sober. I understand the manipulation aspect from reading and from his mouth. He lets no one into his world and charms the outsiders to just keep them in reach. Something different happened with me. He let me into his world full force. I'm the first person he has been completely honest with and I think he thought that would run from him except it didn't work that way. I am way to open and nonjudgemental about people and their problems. No one is perfect.

When we met, he was basically giving up on life. He planned to just drink himself to death but I came in and screwed those plans up without even knowing that is what he wanted. One really bad night he told me, if I don't wake up, watch Leaving Las Vegas. He said I'm that girl minus being the hooker and he is the guy and that would explain how he feels about me. I don't want him dead but I also don't want to tell him what to do, ever.

Freedom1990

I think addicts/alcoholics must all have the same handbook.

"Babe, you're the only one for me."

"I've never felt this way about a woman before."

"I'd die without you in my life."

Those were some of the favorites my EXAH used.

He's dead now, complications from AIDS. No one could save him.

I damned near died trying though.

Angelic17

Welcome to SR Pumpkin....How old are you? I'm guessing in your late teens or early 20's. I could be wrong. You sound very infatuated with this addict, who has you convinced that he can control his addictions. No Addict, can control addiction. Addicts are powerless. Why is he waiting for his mom to intervene, if he knows he has a problem that needs to be addressed? His mom can't fix him. Only he can fix himself. And I don't judge anyone who is an addict, or anyone who loves one. All I'm saying is he needs to step up and do some work to get clean and straight. And stay that way. What do you want in your Life? Be careful. You sound young and naive. Remember, be smart, cause beauty fades, and dumb is forever. I'm not saying your dumb either. What I'm thinking is that you are in head over heels with this guy. And that's ok. Just don't expect much if he is in active addiction. Cause you won't be number one if that's the case. And when the novelty wears off beware of the effects that drugs and alcohol have on him and your relationship. Things are always nice in the beginning. When problems arise drunks don't usually handle them calmly and respectfully. Beware. Just a heads up from an experienced person with drug and alcohol addiction. Good Luck....Angel

Barbara52

Wow 4 months of being involved with an active alcholic pill popper and you are in love.. Just what about him makes him so lovable? I sure as heck don't see his behvaiors and choices as terribly lovable.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you want to tie yourself to someone with such huge problems that have the potential to ruin your life for years to come?

timetogo

I have been married for almost 20 years (I'm 43) -- together for 27. My husband is wonderful, handsome, charming, lovable, kind, hard working, father of two beautiful daughters, a liar, cocaine abuser, and an alcoholic. It was very slow -- getting worse and worse over those years. The last 10 have been h*ll. I did everything I knew how to "save him" in hopes of saving us, losing myself in the process. He told me I was his everything, that he would never make it without me, that he wouldn't know what to do without me.

I FINALLY gave him the choice -- you get help or you leave. Actions speak much louder than words. He chose to leave. Twenty seven years and that's the choice he made. That's how powerful this disease is.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you want to tie yourself to someone with such huge problems that have the potential to ruin your life for years to come?

I wish to God that someone had said this to me. I know what I would say if you were my daughter.

I'm thinking of you tonight pumpkin -- help yourself.
Laurie

pumpkintatertot

Really I must thank all of you for your advice and wisdom. I know you've dealt with this longer than I have been. It's hard to absorb all of this but I am slowly. I am in my younger thirties as is my abf. I have been married and divorced been with physical abusers and mental abusers but have also had good relationships. This is different than the rest. It's not quite what I would call an infatuation. It's the amount of similarities in our mannerisms, likes, looks and everything else that makes a person. We have considered doing research in our family trees to make sure we aren't related. I know that's not an excuse to stay with someone. Has anybody ever made it through an come out on the happy end? Would an intervention work? I don't want to throw it all away so quickly.

kj3880

Run like the wind, baby! It just isn't anything you want to be a part of, I promise you. Having said that, it seems that nobody listens about this topic, they all have to learn it the hard way. Maybe you can learn from our mistakes and don't have to stick your hand in this fire. I hope so. If you decide to be with this man, don't get pregnant until he has a few years of sobriety, and get and keep your own career and money and credit rating! Keep all that stuff separate until he is in recovery and sober for a few years.

KJ

CNMC2C

I wish I had known then what I know now. If I had, I would have ran for my life at the first siting of my XABF who was a nice looking, truthful, sweet, kind, thoughtful, gainfully employed, man who confessed to me after knowing me for a week that he had problems but was working on getting through them. See, I didn't understand anything about alcoholism and had no clue that I was dealing with a master manipulator who could conform to whatever I wanted him to be in order to get me to enable him and take care of everything so that he could keep on living life like he wanted.....as an alcholic who has no desire to be responsible for anything, but where his next drink comes from. I too thought he was the love of my life after 4 months, but 8 months later found out that he was the nightmare of my life. I now know thru SR and being in the Al-Anon rooms that sick people attrack sick people, and I was sick when I met and stayed with a man like my XABF when their were red flags flying everywhere. I hope that you can detach enough from this situation to see the red flags that everyone else is seeing and save yourself from a roller coaster ride that no one deserves to experience in this lifetime. But at the end of the day, this is your life, your choices, and we all have to respect that. I wish you nothing but the health, wealth, and happiness that we all deserve in this lifetime. Take Care.

catlovermi

That's how well they manipulate. You actually believe this. If a person is an active addict, they lie. They lie most to the person closest to them. Don't be offended. Just stick around, because you're going to need the support, from people who've been there, and survived.

We wish everyone could learn from our lessons, but we know we all must learn on our own pathway, whatever choices each of us makes. We say the things we say to you, because we know the path you are about to go down, and we remember the pain in some of our choices. And we wouldn't wish it on anybody. We are here to support you, because in addiction there is pain, and there is less pain. Just depends what choices you make.

CLMI

milenafk2009

My Abf said EXACTLY the same thing to me about Leaving Las Vegas-- EXACTLY!! He also is the same in almost all respects that you describe (not a mean drunk, is unhappy with his life, sad, etc). He also ALWAYS tells me how he never lets anyone in, etc, etc. I completely bought into all of this for the past month (wow, did I feel special and cherished) or so, but, a very recent 5 day bender he went on scared the heck outta me/really ticked me off and then I came here for advice.

Wow, have my eyes now been opened--I am getting out. I am runinng FAR AND FAST! I am having no contact with him anymore. Yes, I care about him and hope he gets help and makes better choices for his life, but I'll be dam#ed if I am going to give up my happiness to "save him" no matter WHAT he says to try to convince me to do so!

Only he can save himself, that is the way I look at it now. Yes, I am sad for him that he has to face this disease/addiction, he has no choice in having this affliction, what he DOES have a choice about is how he handles it! He can chose to drink, or he can chose to go to meetings and do the hard work of recovery.

Presently my Abf chooses to drink!
That is his right to choose, he is a grown up.
But, it is also my right to chose NOT to be in a relationship with someone who is actively using/abusing alcohol and himself.

I would rather chose to be alone and wait for a partner who can participate in a healthy relationship, someone who loves himself and therefore can give and receive love!

Please, please read the many posts here from women who have been in relationships with As for years, I found the many posts to be so helpful! I found the sticky thread about being co-dependant ESPECIALLY enlightening as well!

Please take care of and protect yourself!

Bernadette

Hiya pumpkintatertot!
This is different than the rest. It's not quite what I would call an infatuation.

Whatever it is, it is NOT special enough to overcome addiction.

If special love and unique connections were enough none of us would be here - because many who fall for alcoholics/addicts feel that this relationship is somehow "different" or "special." And it is-- in the sense that it will never resemble a healthy strong sincerely loving relationship as long as one partner is active in an addiction. It's impossible. It may have ecstatic highs at the beginning but eventually it will be a confusing and warped source of pain.

Unfortunately life is not a movie - it's best to be in REALITY. Leaving Las Vegas (like any movie) is just that a movie - a fantasy. I can't tell you how many times the alcoholics I love have tried to charm with their self-comparisons to great art -- oh they like to believe in their minds that they are suffering something great and there is somehow something noble, or cool, or edgy, or artisitic in their suffering. It's all part of the romantic smoke and mirrors game they keep set up to confuse and manipulate us.

I buy into those fantasies at MY peril.

Glad you found this place - lots of good info on this site-- read around - and have you considered trying an AlAnon meeting? That's what finally got my attention focused on me and my own path!

peace-
b.