LizzieBee

Hello again,

Sorry it seems like I'm always on here complaining.

I love my boyfriend and we will be having a baby girl in a month, my boyfriend claims that he wants to give up drinking and in his defence he tries, just last week he had a particular bad relapse involving alcohol and drugs.

I told him that I couldn't put up with our life as it is and he pleaded with me not to leave him and I haven't. He hasn't touched a drop since this conversation and has been attending AA regularily, so he is trying. I believe he wants to give up and he believes he can't do it without me, this worries me; as doesn't he need to do this on his own? I believe he could do it alone and that the outcome would be better in the long run, which in turn is best for my daughter.

By staying with him and helping him am I enabling him?

Also by continuing the relationship I'm worried that he is in risk of switiching his addiction from alcohol to sex. When he feels bad he seems to expect me there to pander to his sexual needs so he feels better. Sex is not supposed to be purely a means of escaping pain, this wasn't as much of an issue for me until I was put on bedrest for the baby and his insistance for sex is just hurtful. It appears to me that he is using sex in the same means he uses alcohol and drugs.

I wonder if he would be best recovering on his own?

Thanks :ghug3

WLDKATZ

well taht would make or break it wouldnt it? Sounds like an awsome Idea.......you and your baby dont need the stress.......can you go to your parents or a family members? Take care of you and remember that he made it before you and if he wants to be with you he needs to get control not you........good luck!


Pamm

GiveLove

You can be very supportive of him even while living somewhere else (somewhere safer and less stressful).

You can talk every day, encourage him to continue his efforts, give him a safe sounding board for his feelings, etc......all the things you can do now, but without the stress, doubt, and obligatory sex that's creating tension for you. Assuming that, if you had your way, things there would be a little more...voluntary? Mutually-decided-on?

You may or may not be enabling him, but you ARE keeping yourself in a very tough situation at a time when you really have enough to worry about already. This should be a time of feeling joy and gathering strength for your task ahead, not catering to the "needs" of an addict.

He has to fight the inner fight himself - if he's telling you that your physical presence in his home and your willingness to give in to his every desire is what's keeping him sober, then that is manipulation. And it's sad.

Take care of you and take care of the baby. Those are the people you're responsible for right now.

cmc

Hello LizzieBee,
What is the best for you and this child? Clearly- he is not asking that question. Please take care of yourself and the little one on the way. Placing demands on you and pressuring you in any manner are not actions of love. Period.

I was a basket case when my son was active in his addiction. All I could think of was helping him to stop...helping him recover, and it just didn't work. What worked was placing the focus on what I can change and/or control- which (most of the time) is ~me~ and in turn, my adult son had to learn to take care of his own needs.

Thankfully he did just that and is coming up towards three years clean. Coming here showed me that that there is always hope for _me_ to get through and not just survive this awful mess but to come out with a great sense of peace, faith & empowerment plus - a bit of wisdom that sees me through so much in my life.

I hope you will continue to come here and please don't apologize for sharing.