Kimmieh

I am starting to feel really stupid because there are women (and men) here who have been or are married to addicts and have kids with them and still manage to leave and here I am with an ABF, not married, no kids, separate places and separate finances and I just can't break up. I could make up excuses and say I don't even see him often enough to break up, haha.

Him moving out was good in many ways, but there is nothing left of this relationship. There has not been any intimacy in months, I have not spend time with him that was not in any related to an errand in months, he gets drunk at the bar on Valentine's day and was going to surprise me afterwards (oh great) and the latest is that he bought a motor cycle and is now hanging out with his biker buddies. Money for booze, pot, and a freaking motor cycle, but can't help me out like he promised (I have let that go - what's the point).

I don't even know if I love still him. I feel awkward around him and we have not had a real conversation in so long. I don't feel loved and now there is another thing he puts before me.

And the worst part is that I feel stupid for not just saying "look, I don't think we are having a relationship because I never see you, you are not part of my life, so what's the point?" I am sad right now because I had an event today that was important to me and where I did well and instead of grabbing my partner to have a good time at the reception, I am crying over yet another 5-minute phone call of nothing. What the hell is wrong with me??

I hate feeling lonely in a relationship and it's how I feel right now and I need to get my freaking act together and tell him that this non-relationship is over. Maybe I get a chance after the biker weekend tomorrow and Sunday, heh. I should probably drop everything and have a beach weekend. Bleh. I want to feel good about today and now I am disappointed and sad and the reason I don't pick up the phone and let him know right now is that I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL HIS WEEKEND! :wtf2

Don't ever feel like an idiot again because I couldn't have it any easier in terms of leaving a relationship and I don't do it. I don't even know why.

GiveLove

oh (((Kimmie))) I'm so sorry.

What was your big event today? We get excited by that stuff here...

Also, this
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe there's something inside you that knows that picking up the phone and telling him all about it won't do a speck of good. Won't change anything. Won't make you feel better. Won't fix anything. Won't make you feel better about anything.

Or maybe you don't want to ruin his weekend. Even though he's just ruined yours (potentially....if you let him)

Maybe it's not yet your time.

What's your biggest fear? If you were to break up, that is? If you had to write one long drawn out sentence that explained the absolute, ludicrous, worst-case scenario about breaking up (complete with all of those "and then he....and then I....and then he...." )

...what would it be? Sometimes, getting it out on paper can help.

sailorjohn

Please don't be hard on yourself, we're not stupid. Went through the same thing and have even fewer excuses for staying as long as I did. I just think everyone, like the other 12 step programs say, has a different bottom.

WLDKATZ

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
same situation 2 years ago......."dated" a man that was strung out on coke and drinking, to him making money to live the life of a king and party like a rock star every night was what was more important.......and it was exspected that I kept up as well.....you know it made one hell of a difference when he seen me moving on with my life.....ok I started getting my drugs someplace else, when he wanted me to drop everything to be his beck and call girl I was busy....school, work family friends I did everything that I could think of to stay busy 24-7 and when I felt like it I was available.....then I fell in love( and everyone who knows me here will tell you I fell hard)
I cleaned up my life totally, no drugs, drinking, unfaithfulness nothing........and I can honestly say I love myself now, before I saw that I was only being the princess because he exspected me to be a certain way..........lol
Now I am a Queen because I feel that way about me.......
I hope you can find you again.....It is really hard to define your relationship when you cannot even define yourself!

Love and Hugs,
Pamm

coyote21

We get excited by that stuff here...

Heck, I get geeked over a few chicken hawks.

....and I don't do it. I don't even know why.

I do....fear.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

atalose

Kimmieh,

Not to sound harsh here but and you already have said it to yourself

But it does sound like this relationship has been over and you just have not let go.

What would happen if YOU don’t call him? Does he ever call you or are you the one keeping this all going?

milenafk2009

I am also in the same place with an Abf and we are in a very new relationship to make it even worse (little over a month) and I just had my first rollercoaster ride with him drinking which scared the heck outta me...so, should be no problem whatsoever to just RUN, right? :wtf2 Also, since the week long drinking episode, he's gotten pretty distant, although, is still calling me, just has nothing to say but to talk about himself, his needs, his plans, his problems, etc. Still hasn't acknowledged the drinking bender or the consequences or taken any responsibility. So, why not be done RIGHT NOW? :wtf2 I had the thought, well, let me take the weekend away from town to take care of me a bit and then I will see him and tell him it's over for good. As you say, not like there's much at this point to end, b/c I feel like you describe feeling right now, unloved, none of my needs being met, taken total advantage of and reallt stupid for even letting this happen!! UGH.

I hope I will find the strength to move on from this man, and I hope you find your strength to do what is best for you as well. :praying

Kimmieh

THANK YOU all for your support!! Reading your responses really helped (more than I can express).

I started writing a long answer, but I've had such a great day today, I decided not to spoil it by thinking about the frustrating side of my life (a positive form of escapism, no?). The event I was talking about is a conference with great people from all over the world. I had my talk yesterday and was really nervous, but it went well. I listened to talks all day today and tonight is a dinner which I am looking forward to. I have met such great and interesting people and it's been a great time. Please don't feel I am ignoring your questions - I will get back to you, but I want to end this day in the spirit of how it has been so far.

:ghug

kryn

I've just got to say this...go to al-anon...and RUN! Fast and far far away. I made the mistake of staying with, marrying and having a child with my then ABF and now things are SO bad that I'm pretty sure I'm no longer in love with him and it's breaking my heart to know that whatever decision I now make, whether I stay or leave, will most likely have a negative impact on my son for the rest of his life. If you take any advice...please take mine and LEAVE NOW.

Barbara52

Staying yes, will have a negative effect. Leaving on the other hand doesn't have to if you are there to be a loving stable parent.

catlovermi

This may answer your question.

CLMI

dazednconfuzed

I wish it would help you to know that I'd LOVE to be in your situation. I've gotten the A to move out an several occasions, but we were still tied up with finances and owning a house together. I just wished that we had been COMPLETELY separated (with no dangling issues). I continued to feel tied to him because he wouldn't let go and I needed to communicate with him on important financial issues.

You ARE free, but you just haven't allowed yourself to realize it yet. He's out there - doing his 'fun' things, while you're still wondering - trapped in that mindset that he's happy and you're miserable. I'm not the greatest person to give advice, given my situation, but I certainly have visualized how GREAT I'd feel if I could get to where you are. I know it's not easy to let go of 'what could have been' and I do understand that part. The fact is that it couldn't have been and wasn't.

I hope to be where you are someday and I plan to close the door - COMPLETELY - once and for all. I know that so many new windows will open once I do that. They will for YOU too! You're at the threshold. You just have to walk out that door and close it for good. I hope you do. Stay strong and Good Luck

Kimmieh

I have been thinking about this today and I am pretty sure that I am holding on because of the dreaded potential thing and because of how things used to be, so I suppose I am in good company. He is a lovely person and he could be such a support and joy for me (and used to be). After the physical separation, I thrived on the peace of mind it gave me and I hardly ever saw him drunk, so for a while, that was fine, but only because it was better than the mess before. But I miss his support in my daily life. Things seem so awkward now.

My friend said what GiveLove says in this thread: "perhaps it's not the time." The problem is that the consensus between us was always that he will come with me when I have to move because he is more flexible than I am. Right now, that would not happen. We have, however, also agreed that we would be willing to have a long distance relationship for a while if that becomes necessary, but right now it feels we already have one although we live in the same town and it's not working too well. The problem is not just the drinking, it's the instability of his life. He is aware of this and he has always very much appreciated my stability. But I cannot provide that for two people.

I will say this: regardless of where this goes, it has brought me here to this site and I have learned so much about myself and my issues that I will be eternally grateful. I was in a relationship for six years before him and I tried to fix everything in my ex's life. I wrote papers for him, I made phone calls for him, I FREAKED out over bad news that only concerned him, I tried to cater to his every need and I didn't need pressure to do it. Until I came here, I blamed it on him, but now I realized that I could have easily not done that. It's just what I do. I now I realize that and make a conscious effort to not do it and it feels really good. I have also learned to focus on me and the positive things in my life and I am successful most of the time.

I can totally understand that for many here, my situation sounds like a dream and I don't blame you in the least. But thank you also for letting me know that I am not stupid or pathetic for not just walking away. I believe he and I have done well de-tangling our lives a bit when we realized that it's too stressful and we will keep this up. He wants to have lunch next week and I will talk to him about this without nagging (it's so HARD!) and see what he has to say. I should check out Al-Anon meetings, too. Group meetings helped when I was with my schizophrenic ex (you should have seen me then: I was his mother, therapist, lover, maid, etc. I was on a fixing mission par excellence).

I will keep you posted! Thank you all SO MUCH! I hope we all can eventually create the lives we deserve!

milenafk2009

Have you checked into co-dependants anonymous? I have found it to be very helpful and informative just even from the webpage, and am going to a meeting tomorrow!

TakingCharge999

It takes guts to change old patterns but I trust you will do the best thing for YOU and no one else I am glad you are meeting exciting people!!

Shivaya

Perhaps you've not learned the "lesson" you are meant to learn with this man.

In my opinion, you are way ahead of the game, so to speak, in that you have acknowledged that he has a drinking problem, and you are on this board, seeking support and advice.

This is a great place to be, whether you stay with him, or not.

It has taken me 19 years to learn my "lesson" with STBXAH. I guess you could say I had much to learn, and spent at least half of those years denying that a "lesson" was needed...too much work, I'll just pretend it's not happening...it could be worse...all very damaging to my spirit.

The next chapter in my life will be spent nurturing my spirit, body and mind.

I now know a "red flag" when I see one, and I certainly do not pretent it's not there.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.


Shivaya

Kimmieh

Thank you all for your replies again...they mean a lot...I just found a coda meeting in my area, but the time is a bit tricky. I will see what I can do...

I do love him, but I feel like the person I love is not there anymore (I am sure many of you can relate). I miss him. And I am seriously starved for attention and affection. I do want to be with him, but I am getting the feeling that this is beyond repair. I just don't understand this anymore, there is no communication, I know he is in a funk, but I can't dig and prod anymore like I used to. And I really really miss having a partner. I would love to celebrate my weekend with someone close to me, but he is not available and my family is overseas....and I have to admit to this: I cannot have children anymore due to cancer (all cured now) and to be very honest, I am terrified of being single and having to explain that should I start dating. I met my ABF shortly before the diagnosis and he was a great support. I have been coping well with it because I have always thought of adoption, but it's scary to think about dating.

I am way ahead of myself here, of course. I am just trying to be honest with myself and my fears. I need to see a therapist again. The one I used to go to started telling me about her kids and how great they were after a session of talking about how to deal with having cancer and the consequences. It was just all wrong....

I will figure this out. I feel like am in mourning today. I am sad, but I just don't see how we could pull this off. I wish I had a chance to just have a conversation, but not even that is possible these days. I just hate feeling lonely in a relationship...

Y'all are fabulous! Thanks for letting me ramble. I don't have anyone here with whom I can be this open and I think it's important for me to ramble through these things to make sense of them.

TakingCharge999

Hi Kimmieh!

Sadly many of us here relate. We all miss the person behind the addiction. And it drives me to madness to think he doesn't even think he has a problem, making me feel lonelier! As if every problem was only in my imagination. It sucks!!

Its difficult to be affected by alcoholism without a close friend who understands and far away from family. I am also away from my "allies" so SR is where I have found the support I need. Seeking AA, Al anon and a GOOD therapist are also instrumental! I hope you find a good group and a good therapist.

The attention and affection I am looking for is the one I have not given myself so far in life. I have found that I am the best person for that job! And I enjoy it!!

Feeling lonely in a relationship sucks too, but it helps you move forward and see if the person next to you is fulfilling your needs. It seems this guy isn't...

You are very strong having gone through cancer, anyone who deserves your love will understand you and accept you just as you are.

It seems we are either thinking of the past or the future, when all we have is the present moment!

I wish you well.
Hugs!!

Kimmieh

Wow, Dreamer! Your whole post is so great, but this is so true for me. Always has been. This goes on my wall!