Looking back, I'm MAD AS HELL....
scorpgrl1978
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
Looking back, I'm MAD AS HELL....
Just wanted to get this up and out of myself. When I think of the overall feelings I have about my ex-AH, it is like a volcano erupting. I am MAD. Mad because I feel as though he took away this beautiful life that we could have had together. Correction: his "disease" took it away. Seems like the same thing to me. I want to know where my husband is. The man that I married. Whoever that person was, clean and sober and clear-eyed and bright, I miss that man so terribly; instead of him just disappearing overnight I watched the brightness in his eyes slowly die away as the disease took over him. What burns me up is the life he took away from both of us, and from our kids. We have two beautiful children that light up any room, that are full of wonder and hope and deserve to have their father front and center in their lives....PRESENT. I am infuriated at him because I believed him when he said he would love, honor and cherish me....I put my heart and soul into the palm of his hands and he absolutely threw it away. I'm disgusted with him (and myself for believing him and marrying him) and mad as hell that I feel as though I have been denied the life that I always dreamed of having as a child, and growing up....meeting the man who was THE ONE. I'm mad that in the end my husband chose drugs over me and the kids. His DOC? Opiates, heroin, crack, meth.....you name it.
It has been 5 months since we separated and the divorce will be final by the middle of April. My life is undoubtedly better than it was before we separated. I'm just so horrified at how unable he is to do the right thing. What makes me even more infuriated is that he hasn't sent me or the kids A PENNY, and yet still has the gall to call me from a different state, saying he misses us, and that he's not on drugs, but hey, could I file taxes married jointly and send him half of it, so he can get his truck out of the impound lot when he got arrested last month for drug possession??? Oh, but the drugs aren't his, they were just stashed under the backseat of his truck BEHIND THE SPEAKERS by someone else. That means someone would have to lift his seat up and pull his speakers out and put it back there....all without him knowing????? DOES HE THINK THAT I"M A MORON?!?!?
All the lies, the betrayal, the stupid stupid lies.........saying he was "going to the store" and being gone for hours at a time, disappearing one night ALL NIGHT LONG for no reason, while I was 8 months pregnant with our second child, and showing up at 7 am like it was no big deal, eyes totally dilated, his secret hiding spots that he coveted and cherished like nothing else, his CELL PHONE, carrying it around like it was his baby, (he would freak out if I even LOOKED in the direction of it)....the list goes on and on.
Anyway, I had to get all of this out. I want to have a good life, I'm 30 years old, I'm a nursing student, I don't do drugs, I barely drink socially, I have great friends, and I'm a single mom of two little ones. I just hope that life has more in store.....and that I will find the peace and happiness I deserve.
It has been 5 months since we separated and the divorce will be final by the middle of April. My life is undoubtedly better than it was before we separated. I'm just so horrified at how unable he is to do the right thing. What makes me even more infuriated is that he hasn't sent me or the kids A PENNY, and yet still has the gall to call me from a different state, saying he misses us, and that he's not on drugs, but hey, could I file taxes married jointly and send him half of it, so he can get his truck out of the impound lot when he got arrested last month for drug possession??? Oh, but the drugs aren't his, they were just stashed under the backseat of his truck BEHIND THE SPEAKERS by someone else. That means someone would have to lift his seat up and pull his speakers out and put it back there....all without him knowing????? DOES HE THINK THAT I"M A MORON?!?!?
All the lies, the betrayal, the stupid stupid lies.........saying he was "going to the store" and being gone for hours at a time, disappearing one night ALL NIGHT LONG for no reason, while I was 8 months pregnant with our second child, and showing up at 7 am like it was no big deal, eyes totally dilated, his secret hiding spots that he coveted and cherished like nothing else, his CELL PHONE, carrying it around like it was his baby, (he would freak out if I even LOOKED in the direction of it)....the list goes on and on.
Anyway, I had to get all of this out. I want to have a good life, I'm 30 years old, I'm a nursing student, I don't do drugs, I barely drink socially, I have great friends, and I'm a single mom of two little ones. I just hope that life has more in store.....and that I will find the peace and happiness I deserve.
scorpgrl1978
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
Thank you...just wanted to say that life is definitely better, I cannot emphasize that over and over, even with all this anger, its still LOADS better than living with an addict.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by racaple78 
Just wanted to get this up and out of myself. When I think of the overall feelings I have about my ex-AH, it is like a volcano erupting. I am MAD. Mad because I feel as though he took away this beautiful life that we could have had together. Correction: his "disease" took it away. Seems like the same thing to me. I want to know where my husband is. The man that I married. Whoever that person was, clean and sober and clear-eyed and bright, I miss that man so terribly; instead of him just disappearing overnight I watched the brightness in his eyes slowly die away as the disease took over him. What burns me up is the life he took away from both of us, and from our kids. We have two beautiful children that light up any room, that are full of wonder and hope and deserve to have their father front and center in their lives....PRESENT. I am infuriated at him because I believed him when he said he would love, honor and cherish me....I put my heart and soul into the palm of his hands and he absolutely threw it away. I'm disgusted with him (and myself for believing him and marrying him) and mad as hell that I feel as though I have been denied the life that I always dreamed of having as a child, and growing up....meeting the man who was THE ONE. I'm mad that in the end my husband chose drugs over me and the kids. His DOC? Opiates, heroin, crack, meth.....you name it.
It has been 5 months since we separated and the divorce will be final by the middle of April. My life is undoubtedly better than it was before we separated. I'm just so horrified at how unable he is to do the right thing. What makes me even more infuriated is that he hasn't sent me or the kids A PENNY, and yet still has the gall to call me from a different state, saying he misses us, and that he's not on drugs, but hey, could I file taxes married jointly and send him half of it, so he can get his truck out of the impound lot when he got arrested last month for drug possession??? Oh, but the drugs aren't his, they were just stashed under the backseat of his truck BEHIND THE SPEAKERS by someone else. That means someone would have to lift his seat up and pull his speakers out and put it back there....all without him knowing????? DOES HE THINK THAT I"M A MORON?!?!?
All the lies, the betrayal, the stupid stupid lies.........saying he was "going to the store" and being gone for hours at a time, disappearing one night ALL NIGHT LONG for no reason, while I was 8 months pregnant with our second child, and showing up at 7 am like it was no big deal, eyes totally dilated, his secret hiding spots that he coveted and cherished like nothing else, his CELL PHONE, carrying it around like it was his baby, (he would freak out if I even LOOKED in the direction of it)....the list goes on and on.
Anyway, I had to get all of this out. I want to have a good life, I'm 30 years old, I'm a nursing student, I don't do drugs, I barely drink socially, I have great friends, and I'm a single mom of two little ones. I just hope that life has more in store.....and that I will find the peace and happiness I deserve.
It has been 5 months since we separated and the divorce will be final by the middle of April. My life is undoubtedly better than it was before we separated. I'm just so horrified at how unable he is to do the right thing. What makes me even more infuriated is that he hasn't sent me or the kids A PENNY, and yet still has the gall to call me from a different state, saying he misses us, and that he's not on drugs, but hey, could I file taxes married jointly and send him half of it, so he can get his truck out of the impound lot when he got arrested last month for drug possession??? Oh, but the drugs aren't his, they were just stashed under the backseat of his truck BEHIND THE SPEAKERS by someone else. That means someone would have to lift his seat up and pull his speakers out and put it back there....all without him knowing????? DOES HE THINK THAT I"M A MORON?!?!?
All the lies, the betrayal, the stupid stupid lies.........saying he was "going to the store" and being gone for hours at a time, disappearing one night ALL NIGHT LONG for no reason, while I was 8 months pregnant with our second child, and showing up at 7 am like it was no big deal, eyes totally dilated, his secret hiding spots that he coveted and cherished like nothing else, his CELL PHONE, carrying it around like it was his baby, (he would freak out if I even LOOKED in the direction of it)....the list goes on and on.
Anyway, I had to get all of this out. I want to have a good life, I'm 30 years old, I'm a nursing student, I don't do drugs, I barely drink socially, I have great friends, and I'm a single mom of two little ones. I just hope that life has more in store.....and that I will find the peace and happiness I deserve.
Hang in there, it does get better.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Great post racaple. I go through periods where I'm so insanely furious about everything. The very things that you spoke of. For the present, I have to put it behind me for a bit because it completely drains you emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. I'm just so tired. I do get fired up though and that fury is almost non containable. I've been told that I need to let go of that anger. I know that I need to do that, but right now I'm not ready. It will come though, it has to because it is for sure consuming.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
You have every right to be mad! You so deserve better, and you will find your future happiness. First you need to leave the past which you are doing, your a very bright young woman that has a lot to look forward to.........give it time, there is a world out there waiting for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
And being mad is healthy! It's good for you to express that anger so that you can work through it and get beyond it to where you don't have to feel angry anymore. You have a great outlook and I'm glad you realise that you deserve better. Good wishes to you and your kids... and all the best!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Good for you for talking about your feelings. That is a wonderful step. Bottling it all up never helps. I have to be very careful not to let that anger permeate my life though.
My thoughts are with you.
My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 39
Hang in There!! I don't blame You for being Mad!! I'm an addict, and I threw alot away, Before I decided that I had to stop, and get clean!! Once I decided, that that was what I Needed, and Wanted, for Myself, I was able to get, and stay Clean!!
Drugs, (and Alcohol), are Very Powerful... In Many Ways!! And they have a Very Strong Grip!!
I'm Glad, Even though it must Suck for You, and Hurt... I'm Glad that You and Your Kids, are in a Safe Place, today!!
Good Luck to You!!
Stay Strong!!
And Keep Venting that Anger!! It's Healing to Release it!! And it's Poisonous, to Hold it in!!
You've found a Wonderful Place, to get support, and advise!!
Take Care!!
~Rob~
Drugs, (and Alcohol), are Very Powerful... In Many Ways!! And they have a Very Strong Grip!!
I'm Glad, Even though it must Suck for You, and Hurt... I'm Glad that You and Your Kids, are in a Safe Place, today!!
Good Luck to You!!
Stay Strong!!
And Keep Venting that Anger!! It's Healing to Release it!! And it's Poisonous, to Hold it in!!
You've found a Wonderful Place, to get support, and advise!!
Take Care!!
~Rob~
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
great post racaple, its good to get it all out. I hope one day you learn to let it all go and move on.
My mother still holds onto her past and she has been divorced for over 15years. She still feels the anger and upset that my dad chose drink & women over a beautiful family.
I pray you let it go, I really feel for you at this time
Stay strong!
xx
My mother still holds onto her past and she has been divorced for over 15years. She still feels the anger and upset that my dad chose drink & women over a beautiful family.
I pray you let it go, I really feel for you at this time
Stay strong!
xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Racaple)))
As ((SailorJohn)) posted, anger is one of the stages we go through, in grief. It serves a definite purpose.
What I didn't realize, in going through the stages, though, is that I would flip-flop. I would be angry as he!!....then go back to another stage...then go back to anger. I thought I was losing my mind, at times! It's all normal.
As long as we don't get stuck in any one stage, each stage helps us get through the process and move forward.
You're doing great, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As ((SailorJohn)) posted, anger is one of the stages we go through, in grief. It serves a definite purpose.
What I didn't realize, in going through the stages, though, is that I would flip-flop. I would be angry as he!!....then go back to another stage...then go back to anger. I thought I was losing my mind, at times! It's all normal.
As long as we don't get stuck in any one stage, each stage helps us get through the process and move forward.
You're doing great, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
scorpgrl1978
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
You guys, I have to strongly say that this site has helped me out TREMENDOUSLY in the last five months. I don't even know where to begin........thank you so much for helping me get through all of this.....I went to a church sermon about forgiveness on Sunday (ironically enough) and the pastor said the only way to move forward from this kind of pain is to release it by pardoning the other person fully. Sometimes this is incredibly DIFFICULT for us to do, but the only way our HP can work through us and move us truly forward is if we truly just forgive the other person for hurting us, and releasing them into the hands of God.
Thanks for letting me express everything I needed to express.
Thanks for letting me express everything I needed to express.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Wow, just reading your post and can identify with you so much. You seem so strong, and I cannot imagine how hard, yet relieving, the separation has been for you. It's amazing how the addict in your life can take over your thoughts and emotions. You don't realize how much, until they are not there. My husband of 7 months relapsed and is away in rehab right now, and I have no idea what the future holds. I am scared, confused, sad as hell, and so angry. Yet, I am not ready to make the final decision as of yet. I envy you and your strength. Take care of yourself and your little ones.
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
_ Forgiveness
That forgiveness is not the ACCEPTANCE of bad behavior from another person nor is it PERMISSION for that behavior to occur again. Forgiveness is a COURAGEOUS ACT in that you have enough LOVE for YOURSELF and others not to carry the burden of hatred in your heart as well as a courageous act of not allowing yourself to be "victimized". Forgiveness should help you BREAK the CYCLE of pain you're living with and should afford you the strength to leave your hostile environment with a clear heart and conscience. That is, in your mind you should know "Yes, I forgive you. My HP has taught me this. However, I won't be a victim; I won't allow you to keep hurting me because I have to love myself above all."
That forgiveness is not the ACCEPTANCE of bad behavior from another person nor is it PERMISSION for that behavior to occur again. Forgiveness is a COURAGEOUS ACT in that you have enough LOVE for YOURSELF and others not to carry the burden of hatred in your heart as well as a courageous act of not allowing yourself to be "victimized". Forgiveness should help you BREAK the CYCLE of pain you're living with and should afford you the strength to leave your hostile environment with a clear heart and conscience. That is, in your mind you should know "Yes, I forgive you. My HP has taught me this. However, I won't be a victim; I won't allow you to keep hurting me because I have to love myself above all."
scorpgrl1978
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
So glad that others have responded so well to this post. It means a lot to me....
I believe that everything happens for a reason. The reason I met my ex-AH was probably to learn about strength and endurance, and what is really important and what isn't. I was also blessed with two beautiful children, who I love exactly as they are, and who I know would not be exactly who they are if they weren't the children of my ex-AH. I also believe that in the future if/when I meet the right person, that person will truly shine and I will know what to tolerate and what not to, and of course...what to look out for when I am dating them.
All that being said...it is still a day to day struggle. It's a struggle to let go. I am capable of codependent addiction and behavior. I was, in a sense, addicted to my ex-AH, and still am tempted to talk to him and be led down that path of endless cycles, and his twisted world. Of course I still care for him, and the news of his death would be devestating. But I also know that God blessed me with a life, and blessed me with becoming a mother, and there is more to life and living than being sucked into the negativity and gray cloud that is the life of living with an addict. Life is meant to be lived, and to pursue happiness, REAL happiness....so that is what I am trying to do. And honestly....even with all the loneliness, and the sadness, and the questions...I am still fortunate enough to be in an emotional environment (of my own making, b/c its just me and the kids) that is peaceful and loving, and the children and I smile and laugh together now more than we ever did with my ex-AH. My children are happy. And perhaps now that I am distancing myself and them from their addicted father, I am allowing them to live the life he didn't have, which is a stable environment filled with love and support, even if it is just from one parent. This is my hope, that his actions will not negatively affect them as adults in the future. This is my true prayer for them.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. The reason I met my ex-AH was probably to learn about strength and endurance, and what is really important and what isn't. I was also blessed with two beautiful children, who I love exactly as they are, and who I know would not be exactly who they are if they weren't the children of my ex-AH. I also believe that in the future if/when I meet the right person, that person will truly shine and I will know what to tolerate and what not to, and of course...what to look out for when I am dating them.
All that being said...it is still a day to day struggle. It's a struggle to let go. I am capable of codependent addiction and behavior. I was, in a sense, addicted to my ex-AH, and still am tempted to talk to him and be led down that path of endless cycles, and his twisted world. Of course I still care for him, and the news of his death would be devestating. But I also know that God blessed me with a life, and blessed me with becoming a mother, and there is more to life and living than being sucked into the negativity and gray cloud that is the life of living with an addict. Life is meant to be lived, and to pursue happiness, REAL happiness....so that is what I am trying to do. And honestly....even with all the loneliness, and the sadness, and the questions...I am still fortunate enough to be in an emotional environment (of my own making, b/c its just me and the kids) that is peaceful and loving, and the children and I smile and laugh together now more than we ever did with my ex-AH. My children are happy. And perhaps now that I am distancing myself and them from their addicted father, I am allowing them to live the life he didn't have, which is a stable environment filled with love and support, even if it is just from one parent. This is my hope, that his actions will not negatively affect them as adults in the future. This is my true prayer for them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 8
i just read your post and i just wanna say that it really hit home with me. my now ex fiance is a heroin addict in rehab, i understand all of the emotions u are feeling all too well. im so angry that he took away our hopes and dreams of having a wonderful life together. we had these plans for 8 years! they were finally happening, we were getting married soon, moved in together and he threw his entire life away for heroin. i too am i in the medical field, dont use any drugs and dont even drink really. u just remind me so much of myself. it sucks that this happened, but u are on the right path. i pray everyday i have the strength to move on from this a stronger happier person one day. i know i cant and wont take him back. just be thankful for your children. i hope for the best for u!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
I feel your pain
Like I said, our stories are so similiar...the "trips" to the gas station for...whatever came up. The hiding the cell phone...the lies, the missing money, missing items. Everything.
I wrote to my soon to be ex-husband for his rehab "impact letter" on what his addiction did to me. I stated that, of many things, his addiction caused me to live with 2 different people My husband and the addict (name omitted) and the addict did the worse thing anyone could do, he killed my husband, the man I married, the man I loved more than anything in this world. He stole my love from me and ripped my heart out while doing it. He stole him out of my world and stole what I believed to be my future, my life. I planned to spend the rest of my life with my husband and never would have dreamed that anything could split us. For so long, I was so sure that our love could conquer anything...but I realized that my love was not strong enough for the 3 of us. Eventually, the addict killed my husband and now I am a widow. I feel more like a widow than a soon to be divorcee. Not too mention, I have spiritual issues with getting divorced.
Sorry, I guess I just needed to vent.
I wrote to my soon to be ex-husband for his rehab "impact letter" on what his addiction did to me. I stated that, of many things, his addiction caused me to live with 2 different people My husband and the addict (name omitted) and the addict did the worse thing anyone could do, he killed my husband, the man I married, the man I loved more than anything in this world. He stole my love from me and ripped my heart out while doing it. He stole him out of my world and stole what I believed to be my future, my life. I planned to spend the rest of my life with my husband and never would have dreamed that anything could split us. For so long, I was so sure that our love could conquer anything...but I realized that my love was not strong enough for the 3 of us. Eventually, the addict killed my husband and now I am a widow. I feel more like a widow than a soon to be divorcee. Not too mention, I have spiritual issues with getting divorced.
Sorry, I guess I just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by racaple78
Just wanted to get this up and out of myself. When I think of the overall feelings I have about my ex-AH, it is like a volcano erupting. I am MAD. Mad because I feel as though he took away this beautiful life that we could have had together. Correction: his "disease" took it away. Seems like the same thing to me.
Almost a year ago, you said:
" but I can also say that in truth I am no longer IN love with him, and also have no anger, no animosity, I have simply....let him go."
What can you do for yourself to get back to that place of "letting go"? He's been into drugs more than half his life and is doing what addicts do. It's not personal although it sure does feel that way.
You sound like a terrific mother and have a solid plan in place to take care of business. You are well on your way to becoming the person you wanted him to be.
It does not get any better than this, now does it?
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