Mr B

I should explain - I'm not happy because she's relapsed. It's more that this is the first relapse she's had over all the years I've known her that has had no discernable effect on my mood. I was happy when she was sober, I'm still happy now she's relapsed.

This may seem like a peculiar thing to share but I feel it's an important step for me. She's been out of rehab for six weeks and everyone who knew where she'd been was looking at her time there in a really hopeful way. There were big expectations that this time it would really sink in with her, that this would be the turning point. I, on the other hand, just carried on with the expectation that sooner or later she would resume drinking and so made decisions with that assumption in mind.

As a result this has had very little material impact on my life; it will, however, affect my kids more as it means that contact will have to stop until she sobers up again. They're talking about their feelings on this, though, and know why it's necessary so hopefully they'll deal with this ok.

The weird thing is, in some small way I almost miss the drama (and, yes, I appreciate that that says something important about me and my codie-ness). It's like when you've had a painful tooth for ages and finally the dentist fixes it and it feels normal again, but you still can't quite believe it's ok and so keep prodding it with your tongue - "It's not hurting. How peculiar. What about now?" :crazy

Mr B.

Barbara52

As long as it's "almost" miss I think you'll be fine.

The tooth analogy is a perfect fit I think.

Mr B

Thanks, Barbara. I see it as a "feelings are feelings" thing - I can't help what emotions I have as they're just complex mixes of neuro-chemicals sloshing around my synapses in response to certain stimuli.

What I can control is my reaction to those feelings. Even if, at some mad level, I may miss the drama, it doesn't mean I have to actually do anything about that feeling. The feeling will pass in a while. The side-effects of willingly embroiling myself in her drunken chaos would last for weeks if not months...

Thanks again,
Mr B.

timetogo

Hi Mr. B.

I too have often "almost missed" the drama and chaos that living with my AH has created over the years. He couldn't drive because of a dui and I have driven him and my children around for years (we are in a rural area and everything is very spread out). This would take up a good chunk of my time.

For me, right now, I don't know if I "miss the drama" as much as I don't know what to do with myself. We spent a lot of time together. Our friends are all couples. He has just moved out last week although we have had little contact (even though we were under the same roof) for two months now. I find it hard to fill my time -- time I have dreamt of having in the past to do simple things like read a book or take a bath. It's very strange, this addiction to crisis that I have!

I do look forward to looking back and wondering how I ever lived with the drama and using every minute I have for myself and my kids. And enjoying it to the fullest!

Barbara52

Learning this lesson is a difficult one for so many of us. It was for me. But once learned, yup, we can feel the feelings, whatever they may be, and then let them go. No feelings are bad. We have them. That's just the way it is. Its what we choose to do about those feeings that really matters.

Hikeon

The title of your post is offensive. There's no place for triteness here. This is a disease that people lose their life to.

timetogo

I should explain - I'm not happy because she's relapsed. It's more that this is the first relapse she's had over all the years I've known her that has had no discernable effect on my mood. I was happy when she was sober, I'm still happy now she's relapsed.

The way I interpretted what Mr. B was trying to say is that he was happy about the reaction he had to the fact that she has relapsed. Not to the actual relapse itself. That his response was different this time. That he didn't let it effect him as it has in the past. It was about him, not her. I'm sure he is not happy that his xagf has slipped in her recovery. Just that he has gained ground in his.

coyote21

I always had this drama and chaos in all my relationships, (my axw was right....the common denominator WAS me). When I was younger and stronger, I kind of missed it.

Now that I'm the opposite of young and strong, what ever that is, not so much.

Point is, when you are 55 or so, the charm should wear off all the drama.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. I agree, that your life wasn't impacted, is significant. Good job!

sailorjohn

OMG!!!!

Does this mean I have to wait another 3 years???????

GiveLove

You guys crack me up.

But seriously, Mr. B, congratulations on the Feelings Management.

There's some coach....I forget who.....who calls it "going to the balcony." You can finally sit up there and watch yourself feel the feelings, and can say, "Yes, I remember when that sort of thing used to explode me into a million pieces. Thank heavens I've come this far."

Now we can just be sad for their choices.

I am still sad about the choices made by the alcoholics in my life. But meanwhile, I'm still moving my own feet toward happiness. Just as you are.

Bless you for being there for your kids.

MissFixit

Mr. B, I look forward to the indifference. You are far ahead of me. Sorry about the girls, though. That must be confusing for them.

bookwyrm

Mr B,

Your detachment and self awareness is inspiring!

Mr B

I'm sorry Hikeon, I don't see what I wrote as trite. Glib, possibly.

I fear you have also misunderstood the point I was making although I'd be willing to accept that as my failure to make myself clear.

I have known my XAGF for 12 years. This is the first instance in all that time where a significant event in her drinking patterns has had zero emotional impact on me. This is the first time when it has not affected my happiness. Given the roller-coaster of chaos and drama that I've found myself on over those years, I find this level of detachment notable for me.

It's sad for my kids that their mother has decided to resume drinking as it makes it unsafe for them to see her. But she's simply doing what she chooses to do. What's that got to do with me?

Mr B.

timetogo

congrats on your detachment Mr. B -- For me, I find it a shere relief to be able to go about my life as I want to live it without being effected by what my AH decides to do. It's a huge step!
Laurie