as for enabling...

Old 02-27-2009, 11:40 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: south jersey
Posts: 80
as for enabling...

do addicts move from person to person looking to find an enabler? like my now ex gf. if she is indeed hanging with her friend's newly exbf, can it be because she can hide things from him since he doesnt know the extent of her issues? he has a house, she is crashing in a small unkempt apt with a friend. it seems like she will use him for her own means. i wish i could see this blow up in her face.
steve137 is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 11:46 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
sailorjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by steve137 View Post
do addicts move from person to person looking to find an enabler? like my now ex gf. if she is indeed hanging with her friend's newly exbf, can it be because she can hide things from him since he doesnt know the extent of her issues? he has a house, she is crashing in a small unkempt apt with a friend. it seems like she will use him for her own means. i wish i could see this blow up in her face.
Well, yeah, I think so. I took a little comfort-not much-noticing that voila! my aexgf treated everyone else pretty much the same as she treated me. I printed out the "What Addicts Do" sticky and it's posted on my refrigerator, in case I need to be reminded.
sailorjohn is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 11:54 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Worth reposting here...originally posted by the founder of SR, Jon, a recovering addict.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Ann is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 12:13 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
There are days when, Lord forgive me, I just want to know that my BFs addict son has been locked up and gets to sit there and think about what he has done to his entire family. However, that's not going to happen on my terms. Whatever happens to him happens, and I have no control. Still, the anger and injustice I feel are pretty strong sometimes.

Someone here posted once that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. What I am trying to do is just concentrate on me and my life....making better choices for myself and trying to enjoy the good things and people in my life.

Concentrate on the good things and people in your life, and work at not being surprised by what she does or what happens to her.

Hugs, HG
Seren is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 12:22 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Posts: 61
"do addicts move from person to person looking to find an enabler?"

My ABF has done that his whole life. When his mother couldn't deal with him, he moved in with his grandparents. When they could't deal with him, he moved in with his aunt and uncle. When they couldn't handle it, he moved to OK with his father's sister and husband. And it went on and on. He has only lived in a place of his twice, that I'm aware of. But each time he lived WITH someone - even when he had his own place.

He needed to have someone there for him, to use and enable him. When whoever he lived with stopped doing that, he left and moved on. His family talks about it now and can laugh at the stupid things he did. Like he woud sit on the back porch - hungry and thirsty - watching them sit down to eat dinner.

After a while, everyone stopped helping him. He went to a half-way house where he HAD to contribute or he would be thrown out. That's where he learned his domestic skills - cleaning, laundry, basic cooking, etc.

I do believe that some addicts move around looking for the water to their sponge. It was only when my ABF's family cut him off and he had no where to go that he found the half-way house....and then eventually....me.
livingalie is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 12:22 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
SistersHelp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by steve137 View Post
do addicts move from person to person looking to find an enabler?

YES, they certainly do.

This is a great frustration for me because I have trying to let my sister hit that infamous rock bottom I keep hearing about, and it doesn't happen.

Why not?

Because she always manages to find another enabler. A new boyfriend who will buy her cigarettes, a new friend who will let her crash on the couch for awhile, a new parental figure who feels sorry for her and gives her a few free meals.

I've done my part. My parents have done their part. We've stopped enabling her. But she's an addict, and she knows how to work the sympathy angle. She keeps finding enablers, and finding them and finding them.

Until and unless she runs out of people willing to enable her, she won't change a thing. And it's easier for her to find an enabler than to change.


So yeah, unfortunately, I think the answer to your question is a resounding yes.
SistersHelp is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 12:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don’t think they consciously seek out enablers as much as it is they find people who will tolerate their behaviors and addiction.

How often have you heard stories like this: when we first met he/she only did drugs once in a while, it wasn’t a problem until they became addicted. And by then one partners has fallen madly in love and now desperately wants their addict to stop so they can go back to the days of when they first met where outwardly drugs were not apart of the relationship. But in fact they were!!!!! But it was tolerable and why because the one partner the very codependent partner needed to be loved needed to be in a relationship in order to feel loved so the occasional drug use was acceptable. Allot of red flags get ignored when someone wants to be loved, feel loved, wanted and needed.
atalose is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 12:48 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
winnie12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
i've watched my son's AD go from person to person, place to place for about 20 years now. he's never had his own home as long as i've known him - always lived with someone else be that a gf, his parents, a friend. he just has a gypsy lifestyle - he stays till he wears out his welcome and then he moves on to someone else.

my AS does that but more on the emotional side. he's always looking for someone new to support his lifestyle and will come up with the wildest stories to make people open up their lives to him. its like he's always looking for a replacement family becuase he sees the problem as us not him. of course the problems follow him and eventually they figure it out and distance themselves from him.
winnie12 is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 01:34 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
kj3880's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
A more important question for me is, why do I as a codependant personality keep moving from user to user???? What am I looking for? I have to stay single until I'm confident I can avoid being the water to that sponge again...
KJ
kj3880 is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 01:58 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
marle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Addiction could not survive without enablers. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 07:40 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I know it may seem like you might want to see the fall when the addict loses another enabler, usually it is pretty sad. Looking for the next one is what addicts do. Hope this work on you will help you not be attracted to the next person looking for an enabler
greeteachday is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 09:21 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
A more important question for me is, why do I as a codependant personality keep moving from user to user????
Nice! I was just about to say that codies move from person to person too, until we seek recovery. I've lost some friends because I refuse to enable them any longer. They moved on and found new friends to do that. Now my friends are people who actively work on bettering themselves or just staying balanced. Birds of a feather flock together, as the old saying goes.
Chino is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:25 PM.