Startingover2

My MIL accidentally forwarded on to me an email from exah to her. It probably was an error as she can barely turn the thing on. Anyway, here it is

"Mother, I make mistakes, Im not perfect and neither is anyone i know. Do not ever put me in the class w brother or dad. I realize that I can't drink at all and it hurts alot of people around me. Im working on that i go to my classes and im running now in the mornings and i feel alot better.I never meant to hurt your feelings the other morning but not feeling real comfortable rt now with the way things r going. Im having to suck it up to see my baby and its really hard not to blow up at baby's mother (me).I love my girl and it kills me to be going through what im havin to do, i feel like she doesnt even know who her dad is. So that is where my anger comes from,feel like I can't tell you anything wo SO2 finding out.I love u im sorry for the way i acted i am workin on myself and im going to be the best father i can be."

A little background...I turned exah in for drunk driving and now he is paying his consequences. I also kicked him out for the infidelity. His mother told him if he didn't quit he would end up like dad and brother.

I am sick of being blamed for his bad choices. If he didn't drink he would be here being a husband and father. If he didn't cheat he would still be here being a husband and father. He misses his visits during the week by his own choice so if baby doesn't know him its his own fault.

What is really scary is he is so nice to my face most of the time unless I enforce a boundary. He still tells me ILY and I miss you etc. Then turns and writes an email like this.....He hates me for everything.

Oh....I need to detach.

WLDKATZ

you said it exactly, you have to detach.......it is really hard I know especially with the b aby in the picture, tell him if he keeps bad mouthing you that you can have the visits stopped all together......set boundries tell him you dont need to hear the I miss yous and crap because you are moving on and it isnt with him, let him know WHERE YOU ARE AT.....dont let him control the situation......good luck



Pamm

FlwrofFrgttng

wow. i feel like i could have written parts of this. i look at this and see ah. and myself.

Ago

I don't see he "hates you for everything"

I'm not reading the same things you are in this email

It's a private letter between a man and his mother.

He writes his frustration. He writes he can't drink any more. He writes he is working on his self. He writes he is angry is daughter doesn't seem to know who her father is. He writes he is trying to address those issues. He writes he wants to be the best father he can be.

He writes it's hard not to "blow up at you"

well, yeah, you turned him in, and tossed him out, of course he is angry, he brought it on himself true, but he is allowed his feelings, just like you are allowed yours. He wrote he isn't blowing up at you, and it takes doing. /shrug

what other people think of me is none of my business.


He also writes he can't tell her anything without you finding out, a well founded fear it seems, my mother and Grandmother are MASTERS of the "Oops" that causes pain, like "accidently" forwarding an email like this one. You may ask her why she forwarded it to you, she may have been trying to play matchmaker. If so, ask that she doesn't forward his mail to you any more.

The thing about being around active alcoholism is after a few years I viewed everything as an attack, or as manipulation, I couldn't differentiate between what was manipulation and what was an "honest mistake" any more.

I was like a "head shy" Dog that had been beaten one too many times, any movement that even appeared threatening and I would start "barking" to protect myself.

Maybe I am dense, I just don't see anything wrong, or harmful in this email. I actually view it as a man doing the best he can, apologizing to his mother, stating he can't drink any more, and stating he wants to be a good father.

I don't know if any of it is true, or if it is quacking, but I certainly don't see anything harmful in it.

Have you considred Alanon, quite often someone who is familiar with your situation such as a sponsor is very helpful in cases such as this.

Startingover2

Ago...if the words were sincere rather than blameshifting I would feel better.

Exah has NOT quit drinking. He was drinking just last weekend. He goes to his meetings because he HAS to for the dui. He is not trying to be a good father because he misses half of his visit times. So, if baby doesn't know her father then its HIS fault not mine.

The point is he is STILL not taking responsibility for his choices and now the consequences.

Yes, I turned him in and still feel I did the right thing. What is happening to him now is just consequences to HIS CHOICES.

Blondie

When I was relating my story to my counselor she just kept saying "that's what alcoholics do" over and over again (maybe so I would realize what she was finally saying, but it worked). He's just doing what alcoholics do. If he is not seeking some kind of recovery from a program or some kind of professional help the odds are he will still continue his alcoholic behavior even after he stops drinking, and, that odds are that he will start drinking again eventually. The above al-anon suggestion is a very good idea. But also, the book Co-Dependent No More has a good section on detaching.

GiveLove

It's this sentence that sticks with me:


Suck it up how? He hasn't even quit drinking. He has to.....what? Act like a civilized human being? Show up for visitation, and NOT show up stupid-drunk? Not fool around with anything that wears lipstick? Tell the truth for once maybe?

I'm sorry you saw this, startingover, but maybe there was a reason for it. Maybe one day you would've fallen for all the b.s. "I love yous", and this is a reminder that actions speak louder than words, and that the lies just keep on comin'. Sometimes only the painful lessons get through to us.....sadly.

I know it's hard, but try to accept this hard lesson and thank your HP for it. Take a deep breath and start detaching all over again. You'll be okay.

Take care of you & the baby.

atalose

Startingover2,

You know he’s still drinking, you know he HAS to attend meetings, you know he’s not a good father, you know the truth. So what is going on with you that you still feel the need to defend yourself against an alcoholic’s behavior? Why still such a big focus on him? And all the things he is or isn’t doing? What about you, are you attending meetings?

Barbara52

I am sick of being blamed for his problems

So don't accept the responsibility or blame. End of story.

Mr B

OK. So you know the truth and he's still drinking and talking self-serving rubbish. What practical difference does that make to your life?

OK. So what difference does that make to your life?

You did do the right thing. So what does his failure to realise that what's happening in his life is a consequence of his choices have to do with you?

All the best,
Mr B.