Leaving the Addict Behind...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
Leaving the Addict Behind...
I have started to secretly make plans to leave my addict fiance.. Hiring movers, packing boxes, etc.. I am finally sick of the Quacking and Chaos he generates..
But here's where I get stuck: when I finally visualize the act of leaving him, I feel so sad for him. You see, in addition to being an addict, he is also a felon. In this economy, I've seen how tough it is for a person with a record to get a job. It's close to impossible. When I left him to his own resources last year, he ended up back in prison for 8 months for credit card theft/fraud within weeks of tossing him out. He's been homeless before, eaten out of trash cans, etc etc etc, but nothing changes his behavior (Nothing changes if nothing changes). And, sadly, I know that once I leave him, he'll be right back on the streets and eventually in jail again (or dead)...
I know that God, the HP, is the only one who can help him. I know that I am not God, and cannot "save" him. But I also know that he lacks any coping tools to help himself deal with daily life. And I pity him for it.
I want to walk out the door with all my boxes in-tow, but I also know that without any money, skills, coping tools, or support he'll either return to jail or die. He's a 40 year old child. And I feel sorry for him.
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Also, here's a repost of the eHOW article "How to Leave your Addict":
Drug addiction is a personal hell, but it does not belong only to the addict. The spouses, family and friends of a drug addict are trapped in the endless cycle of abuse and remorse. If you love someone who is addicted to drugs, and believe he will not seek recovery, or has failed to respond to efforts at recovery, your only option may be to leave.
Instructions
Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Step1
Go to a Nar-Anon meeting. This is an offshoot of Narcotics Anonymous. Nar-Anon is for relatives and friends of addicts. Attending a meeting will help you understand that you are not alone, and that you are not a bad person for wanting to get out of a relationship that is harmful to you. You do not need to speak at this meeting, but you do need to listen.
Step2
Do not tell the drug addict that you intend to leave. Be discreet in all your preparations for leaving. Do not tell anyone who may tell the addict of your intentions. Choose a target date for leaving. You should allow yourself at least a week.
Step3
Arrange for a temporary sanctuary. This may be your parents’ home, a friend’s home, a hotel room or apartment. Be sure you are able to move in on your target date. If you are going to someone’s home that the drug addict knows, be certain you can trust that person to keep your intentions a secret.
Step4
Move as much money as possible into a bank account in your name only. Set up this account at a different bank. If you have direct deposit, change it immediately to the new account.
Step5
Pay off any debts that are in both your names, if possible. If it’s not possible, notify the lending institution or debtor that you need to make other arrangements to pay that debt.
Step6
If the utilities are in your name, cancel them. Again, be as discreet as possible. Arrange to have the utilities shut off one or two days after your target date for getting away.
Step7
Change the beneficiary of your will, of your life insurance policies and of any benefits you have through work if he is the current beneficiary. If you are paying for his health insurance, cancel his benefits.
Step8
As the target date approaches, spend as little time as possible with the drug addict. During any time he spends away from the house, move your things, a few at a time, to your sanctuary. Do this as discreetly as possible.
Step9
Arrange to have at least one person with you at the house on the target date. If possible, arrange to have several people with you and move your things out as quickly as possible. The ideal situation is to do this while he is away from the house.
Step10
Once everything you own is out of the house, and the drug addict is standing in front of you screaming or crying or begging, tell him nothing he can say or do will change your mind.
Step11
Leave.
But here's where I get stuck: when I finally visualize the act of leaving him, I feel so sad for him. You see, in addition to being an addict, he is also a felon. In this economy, I've seen how tough it is for a person with a record to get a job. It's close to impossible. When I left him to his own resources last year, he ended up back in prison for 8 months for credit card theft/fraud within weeks of tossing him out. He's been homeless before, eaten out of trash cans, etc etc etc, but nothing changes his behavior (Nothing changes if nothing changes). And, sadly, I know that once I leave him, he'll be right back on the streets and eventually in jail again (or dead)...
I know that God, the HP, is the only one who can help him. I know that I am not God, and cannot "save" him. But I also know that he lacks any coping tools to help himself deal with daily life. And I pity him for it.
I want to walk out the door with all my boxes in-tow, but I also know that without any money, skills, coping tools, or support he'll either return to jail or die. He's a 40 year old child. And I feel sorry for him.
----------
Also, here's a repost of the eHOW article "How to Leave your Addict":
Drug addiction is a personal hell, but it does not belong only to the addict. The spouses, family and friends of a drug addict are trapped in the endless cycle of abuse and remorse. If you love someone who is addicted to drugs, and believe he will not seek recovery, or has failed to respond to efforts at recovery, your only option may be to leave.
Instructions
Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Step1
Go to a Nar-Anon meeting. This is an offshoot of Narcotics Anonymous. Nar-Anon is for relatives and friends of addicts. Attending a meeting will help you understand that you are not alone, and that you are not a bad person for wanting to get out of a relationship that is harmful to you. You do not need to speak at this meeting, but you do need to listen.
Step2
Do not tell the drug addict that you intend to leave. Be discreet in all your preparations for leaving. Do not tell anyone who may tell the addict of your intentions. Choose a target date for leaving. You should allow yourself at least a week.
Step3
Arrange for a temporary sanctuary. This may be your parents’ home, a friend’s home, a hotel room or apartment. Be sure you are able to move in on your target date. If you are going to someone’s home that the drug addict knows, be certain you can trust that person to keep your intentions a secret.
Step4
Move as much money as possible into a bank account in your name only. Set up this account at a different bank. If you have direct deposit, change it immediately to the new account.
Step5
Pay off any debts that are in both your names, if possible. If it’s not possible, notify the lending institution or debtor that you need to make other arrangements to pay that debt.
Step6
If the utilities are in your name, cancel them. Again, be as discreet as possible. Arrange to have the utilities shut off one or two days after your target date for getting away.
Step7
Change the beneficiary of your will, of your life insurance policies and of any benefits you have through work if he is the current beneficiary. If you are paying for his health insurance, cancel his benefits.
Step8
As the target date approaches, spend as little time as possible with the drug addict. During any time he spends away from the house, move your things, a few at a time, to your sanctuary. Do this as discreetly as possible.
Step9
Arrange to have at least one person with you at the house on the target date. If possible, arrange to have several people with you and move your things out as quickly as possible. The ideal situation is to do this while he is away from the house.
Step10
Once everything you own is out of the house, and the drug addict is standing in front of you screaming or crying or begging, tell him nothing he can say or do will change your mind.
Step11
Leave.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I've got a felony on my record. It's actually a mistake, but until I get it removed, it's still there. I'm waiting tables, and half the people I work with are also felons. I have a friend who has numerous felonies and he just got a job...while on house arrest.
Yes, it is harder to get a job with a felony, but it is not impossible, so don't think that he can't. It may not be the best job, or what he wants, but he can find something.
Focus on taking care of you, and let him take care of him. If he goes back to his old ways, it's because he wants to. My XABF is the same way. He has many skills that he could use to get a job...he chooses to "hustle to get high"...doing whatever he can, to get money to buy/smoke crack. He is almost 50, and is sitting in jail....again. That's why he is an ex.
Leaving him was the best thing I could have done. Life is so much better without all the drama and chaos of his addiction (not to mention I'm in recovery for my OWN crack addiction).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Yes, it is harder to get a job with a felony, but it is not impossible, so don't think that he can't. It may not be the best job, or what he wants, but he can find something.
Focus on taking care of you, and let him take care of him. If he goes back to his old ways, it's because he wants to. My XABF is the same way. He has many skills that he could use to get a job...he chooses to "hustle to get high"...doing whatever he can, to get money to buy/smoke crack. He is almost 50, and is sitting in jail....again. That's why he is an ex.
Leaving him was the best thing I could have done. Life is so much better without all the drama and chaos of his addiction (not to mention I'm in recovery for my OWN crack addiction).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: south jersey
Posts: 80
my now former girlfriend does not have the proper skills to function well. she was going to show up at court wearing a baseball cap. i suggested she not wear it. her family is a mess and didnt teach her anything, that is part of the reason ifeel so bad for her, so i understand where you are coming from.but there are certain choices people make that goes beyond that. he knows not to steal, that is not a coping skill. do what you have to do for yourself. i am slowly learning that is the way we have to live when chaotic people are in our lives
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Good for you.
maybe instead of thinking about it as you are leaving the addict think of it that you are leaving the addiction. yes they are joined right now but there's not as much personal attachment then. try empathy over sympathy - you can feel for someone's situation (empathy) without sharing their situation (sympathy)
maybe instead of thinking about it as you are leaving the addict think of it that you are leaving the addiction. yes they are joined right now but there's not as much personal attachment then. try empathy over sympathy - you can feel for someone's situation (empathy) without sharing their situation (sympathy)
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