There seems to be some problems in understanding here...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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There seems to be some problems in understanding here...
And I'm truly trying and trying to understand.
There are people on the board that are screaming down the throats of families/friends of addicts (not literally) not to do anything for them because they're addicts. If a person were to so much as post that they made breakfast for they're addict husband, there are people on this board that would become angry and quote "Don't do anything for them that they can do for themselves!!"
And I can certaintly understand to a certain extent. We shouldn't be enabling and helping their ADDICTION by doing things that would drive them to use more drugs or alcohol. Such as; providing them with money, taking care of them financially, providing them with transportation etc. Basically things that would make it easier for them to use drugs/alcohol.
HOWEVER, making a freaking doctor's appointment or helping them/supporting them with staying clean isn't enabling behavior. I think that people on this board are taking this concept of enabling and driving it to the maximum extreme! It's not wrong to make dinner for your loved one. Yes they can make their own meal. It's not wrong to make a doctor's/hair appointment, I would do that whether my husband were an addict or not. My stepmother still makes my dad's doctor's appointments. It's not wrong to clean up after your addict loved one, some people are just not as clean as others. That's a part of them as a person. That's their character not their addiction. There's a thin line between helping and enabling. And I think that people on this particular board need to calm down and not jump down people's throats who still love and show love to their addict loved one. We are not and never will be YOU. You can provide advice but do that knowing that WE can't handle the situation just as you did or might have if you were in the same boat. People are afraid to post! I got PM's telling me thank you for sticking up for us... It's gotten out of hand. I know you guys mean well but we've got to approach things in a loving way.
And lastly, I'll leave you with a quote from an addict on this board. He said this to me this week and it stuck with me...
"If it weren't for my girlfriend's undying love and understanding - time and time and time again. I may have never had a reason to stop. Her loyalty to me was so inspiring to me that I wanted to quit."-- VeritasAequitas
This world is not black and white... there are some gray areas.
There are people on the board that are screaming down the throats of families/friends of addicts (not literally) not to do anything for them because they're addicts. If a person were to so much as post that they made breakfast for they're addict husband, there are people on this board that would become angry and quote "Don't do anything for them that they can do for themselves!!"
And I can certaintly understand to a certain extent. We shouldn't be enabling and helping their ADDICTION by doing things that would drive them to use more drugs or alcohol. Such as; providing them with money, taking care of them financially, providing them with transportation etc. Basically things that would make it easier for them to use drugs/alcohol.
HOWEVER, making a freaking doctor's appointment or helping them/supporting them with staying clean isn't enabling behavior. I think that people on this board are taking this concept of enabling and driving it to the maximum extreme! It's not wrong to make dinner for your loved one. Yes they can make their own meal. It's not wrong to make a doctor's/hair appointment, I would do that whether my husband were an addict or not. My stepmother still makes my dad's doctor's appointments. It's not wrong to clean up after your addict loved one, some people are just not as clean as others. That's a part of them as a person. That's their character not their addiction. There's a thin line between helping and enabling. And I think that people on this particular board need to calm down and not jump down people's throats who still love and show love to their addict loved one. We are not and never will be YOU. You can provide advice but do that knowing that WE can't handle the situation just as you did or might have if you were in the same boat. People are afraid to post! I got PM's telling me thank you for sticking up for us... It's gotten out of hand. I know you guys mean well but we've got to approach things in a loving way.
And lastly, I'll leave you with a quote from an addict on this board. He said this to me this week and it stuck with me...
"If it weren't for my girlfriend's undying love and understanding - time and time and time again. I may have never had a reason to stop. Her loyalty to me was so inspiring to me that I wanted to quit."-- VeritasAequitas
This world is not black and white... there are some gray areas.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
With all due respect, ((YN)), you also have to remember, that you posted, 3 days ago that he was throwing up bile and blood and you were just going to let him...stating "he won't die, right?" I believe, it was recommended, on THAT thread, that he seek immediate medical treatment...whoever called the dr.
I'm not going to defend either side in this issue. I understand what you're saying, and I know that some things sound harsh. It's hard to know what a person's tone is meant, when it's seen in black/white. We don't get to see the facial features with what's written, we don't get to hear the tone of voice. That is one of the pitfalls of communicating online.
I'm sorry that you feel you were dealt with harshly. People share their ES&H, and some are more blunt than others. As with anything, I recommend taking what you need and leaving the rest.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm not going to defend either side in this issue. I understand what you're saying, and I know that some things sound harsh. It's hard to know what a person's tone is meant, when it's seen in black/white. We don't get to see the facial features with what's written, we don't get to hear the tone of voice. That is one of the pitfalls of communicating online.
I'm sorry that you feel you were dealt with harshly. People share their ES&H, and some are more blunt than others. As with anything, I recommend taking what you need and leaving the rest.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
you're right. it is a fine line.
there's also a very fine line between living your own life and being in denial.
it's confusing.
I agree that i think it's perfectly acceptable to make dinner for your loved one or do their laundry. Assuming that the household chores are shared equally.
I think if you are making a doctor's appointment for them because of a specific situation that requires you to do that, that's one thing, or doing it every now and then when they're really busy.
But if you take that responsibilty to make all of their every appointment and pay all of every bill and make all of every dinner and do all of everyone's laundry all of the time and your money is the only money that goes towards supporting your family because he doesn't know how to do it or he always screws it up or he's really bad with money or he always bleaches my favorite shirt or he always burns the macaroni or he just can't hold down a job...
THEN you are babying that person and you are enabling them not to grow up and live their own life. If you died, that person would have to move back in with his mother because he would have NO IDEA how to take care of himself.
And when you are making their appointment for their drug treatment or recovery, then you are putting yourself in the position of being RESPONSIBLE for his recovery.
Therefore, if he succeeds, you cheer becuase "he stayed clean because of me."
and if he fails, well, that's your fault too.
thats just a bad position to be in.
there's also a very fine line between living your own life and being in denial.
it's confusing.
I agree that i think it's perfectly acceptable to make dinner for your loved one or do their laundry. Assuming that the household chores are shared equally.
I think if you are making a doctor's appointment for them because of a specific situation that requires you to do that, that's one thing, or doing it every now and then when they're really busy.
But if you take that responsibilty to make all of their every appointment and pay all of every bill and make all of every dinner and do all of everyone's laundry all of the time and your money is the only money that goes towards supporting your family because he doesn't know how to do it or he always screws it up or he's really bad with money or he always bleaches my favorite shirt or he always burns the macaroni or he just can't hold down a job...
THEN you are babying that person and you are enabling them not to grow up and live their own life. If you died, that person would have to move back in with his mother because he would have NO IDEA how to take care of himself.
And when you are making their appointment for their drug treatment or recovery, then you are putting yourself in the position of being RESPONSIBLE for his recovery.
Therefore, if he succeeds, you cheer becuase "he stayed clean because of me."
and if he fails, well, that's your fault too.
thats just a bad position to be in.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
With all due respect, ((YN)), you also have to remember, that you posted, 3 days ago that he was throwing up bile and blood and you were just going to let him...stating "he won't die, right?" I believe, it was recommended, on THAT thread, that he seek immediate medical treatment...whoever called the dr.
I did let him. I wasn't going to leave work... if he wants to keep drinking like that I'm not going to keep coming to his rescue ASAP (To me, that's enabling) Making a doc's appt. isn't. I'll support him in his recovery but not in his addiction. He ended up having a horrible time throwing up his guts in the bathroom and now doesn't want to drink. (again, for now... but who knows about tomorrow) I think it would've been worse if I would've drove home in a frenzy and taken him to emergency etc.
My reason for even mentioning all of this, people are afraid to POST! With all due respect, that should not happen...
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
We're all in different levels and all have different situations
some of us here have gone to the depths of hell with our addicts and the only way we could survive was to detach from them. An addict in full blown using mode can become the center of the universe for us and our families. everything revolves around their needs and their wants. In an effort to make the family members more equal many of us have found it best to let the addict take care of themselves and start developing self-responsibilty. i can and do nice things for my AS but i have to let him take care of him.
The doctors appt thing, I'll give you an example. My son ran away from rehab and when he did he lost his retainer. Because he was careless and doing what he wasnt supposed to be his teeth are now moving back to where they were before he had braces. So he wants me to make him appointment to get a new retainer. If it were merely that my child needed orthodontic care through no fault of their own then i would do it. But this time it was due to his carelessness so I told him that if he wanted a new retainer he would have to call and talk to the doctor, find out the cost, make the appointment. I'm putting the responsibility of his behavior back on him.
If your husband just needed a yearly checkup i dont think any of us would have said anything. But since he wanted a checkup to see if he has damage from using then that's where many of us would feel that its his responsibility since its directly related to his drug use. I have found many times my son would pull me in with medical needs when he wasnt getting the attention he wanted - its sad but very true so its something that i personally watch for.
If your taking care of him when he's sick with a flu - that's just being a caring wife. if you're taking care of him when he's sick with a hangover that's enabling.
I hope that clarifies.
some of us here have gone to the depths of hell with our addicts and the only way we could survive was to detach from them. An addict in full blown using mode can become the center of the universe for us and our families. everything revolves around their needs and their wants. In an effort to make the family members more equal many of us have found it best to let the addict take care of themselves and start developing self-responsibilty. i can and do nice things for my AS but i have to let him take care of him.
The doctors appt thing, I'll give you an example. My son ran away from rehab and when he did he lost his retainer. Because he was careless and doing what he wasnt supposed to be his teeth are now moving back to where they were before he had braces. So he wants me to make him appointment to get a new retainer. If it were merely that my child needed orthodontic care through no fault of their own then i would do it. But this time it was due to his carelessness so I told him that if he wanted a new retainer he would have to call and talk to the doctor, find out the cost, make the appointment. I'm putting the responsibility of his behavior back on him.
If your husband just needed a yearly checkup i dont think any of us would have said anything. But since he wanted a checkup to see if he has damage from using then that's where many of us would feel that its his responsibility since its directly related to his drug use. I have found many times my son would pull me in with medical needs when he wasnt getting the attention he wanted - its sad but very true so its something that i personally watch for.
If your taking care of him when he's sick with a flu - that's just being a caring wife. if you're taking care of him when he's sick with a hangover that's enabling.
I hope that clarifies.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
I understand what you're saying with everything else...but this.
I know a lot of marriages where the wife makes all the appointments, pays all the bills, does all the cooking, and does all the laundry. It's about what you're comfortable with.
My husband is comfortable with doing all the yard work, putting gas in the cars (I don't like pumping gas), he gets up with the baby at night (I'm not a night person so I take mornings), he does all the hard labor in the house while I handle other things. This arrangement works with us. How can a person who doesn't live in our home tell us that "If he doesn't cook x amount of days out of the week and make x amount of appointments then you're enabling him!" That just doesn't make sense.
Shouldn't enabling have to do with helping them purchase/use drugs and not what they eat and who cooked it?
Originally Posted by k1a2t3h4r5y6n7
But if you take that responsibilty to make all of their every appointment and pay all of every bill and make all of every dinner and do all of everyone's laundry all of the time and your money is the only money that goes towards supporting your family because he doesn't know how to do it or he always screws it up or he's really bad with money or he always bleaches my favorite shirt or he always burns the macaroni or he just can't hold down a job...
My husband is comfortable with doing all the yard work, putting gas in the cars (I don't like pumping gas), he gets up with the baby at night (I'm not a night person so I take mornings), he does all the hard labor in the house while I handle other things. This arrangement works with us. How can a person who doesn't live in our home tell us that "If he doesn't cook x amount of days out of the week and make x amount of appointments then you're enabling him!" That just doesn't make sense.
Shouldn't enabling have to do with helping them purchase/use drugs and not what they eat and who cooked it?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by winnie12
We're all in different levels and all have different situations
some of us here have gone to the depths of hell with our addicts and the only way we could survive was to detach from them. An addict in full blown using mode can become the center of the universe for us and our families. everything revolves around their needs and their wants. In an effort to make the family members more equal many of us have found it best to let the addict take care of themselves and start developing self-responsibilty. i can and do nice things for my AS but i have to let him take care of him.
The doctors appt thing, I'll give you an example. My son ran away from rehab and when he did he lost his retainer. Because he was careless and doing what he wasnt supposed to be his teeth are now moving back to where they were before he had braces. So he wants me to make him appointment to get a new retainer. If it were merely that my child needed orthodontic care through no fault of their own then i would do it. But this time it was due to his carelessness so I told him that if he wanted a new retainer he would have to call and talk to the doctor, find out the cost, make the appointment. I'm putting the responsibility of his behavior back on him.
If your husband just needed a yearly checkup i dont think any of us would have said anything. But since he wanted a checkup to see if he has damage from using then that's where many of us would feel that its his responsibility since its directly related to his drug use. I have found many times my son would pull me in with medical needs when he wasnt getting the attention he wanted - its sad but very true so its something that i personally watch for.
If your taking care of him when he's sick with a flu - that's just being a caring wife. if you're taking care of him when he's sick with a hangover that's enabling.
I hope that clarifies.
some of us here have gone to the depths of hell with our addicts and the only way we could survive was to detach from them. An addict in full blown using mode can become the center of the universe for us and our families. everything revolves around their needs and their wants. In an effort to make the family members more equal many of us have found it best to let the addict take care of themselves and start developing self-responsibilty. i can and do nice things for my AS but i have to let him take care of him.
The doctors appt thing, I'll give you an example. My son ran away from rehab and when he did he lost his retainer. Because he was careless and doing what he wasnt supposed to be his teeth are now moving back to where they were before he had braces. So he wants me to make him appointment to get a new retainer. If it were merely that my child needed orthodontic care through no fault of their own then i would do it. But this time it was due to his carelessness so I told him that if he wanted a new retainer he would have to call and talk to the doctor, find out the cost, make the appointment. I'm putting the responsibility of his behavior back on him.
If your husband just needed a yearly checkup i dont think any of us would have said anything. But since he wanted a checkup to see if he has damage from using then that's where many of us would feel that its his responsibility since its directly related to his drug use. I have found many times my son would pull me in with medical needs when he wasnt getting the attention he wanted - its sad but very true so its something that i personally watch for.
If your taking care of him when he's sick with a flu - that's just being a caring wife. if you're taking care of him when he's sick with a hangover that's enabling.
I hope that clarifies.
That made so much sense! Thank you a million times!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
I coddled and held my husband's hand through many a dr appt. and
numerous rehabs and mental hospitals.
Thinking my love could save him,the more I loved and helped him the worse he got.
While I was busy busting my ass to save him my life got worse and worse.
Over 20 years of my life hoping and praying this would be the time he
gets clean.........
If I had those years back and be as wise as I am today...
I am now barely surviving,struggling to feed and cloth my dear children,
while he sits in prison yet again.
These awesome people on here helped me more than they will ever know,
we have been free of our miserable life with him for almost 2 years and
looking back what the heck was wrong with me for taking his crap for so
long.
Thank God I now understand why I made the poor choices I did.
Hopefully you will too.
numerous rehabs and mental hospitals.
Thinking my love could save him,the more I loved and helped him the worse he got.
While I was busy busting my ass to save him my life got worse and worse.
Over 20 years of my life hoping and praying this would be the time he
gets clean.........
If I had those years back and be as wise as I am today...
I am now barely surviving,struggling to feed and cloth my dear children,
while he sits in prison yet again.
These awesome people on here helped me more than they will ever know,
we have been free of our miserable life with him for almost 2 years and
looking back what the heck was wrong with me for taking his crap for so
long.
Thank God I now understand why I made the poor choices I did.
Hopefully you will too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by AWEDA
I coddled and held my husband's hand through many a dr appt. and
numerous rehabs and mental hospitals.
Thinking my love could save him,the more I loved and helped him the worse he got.
While I was busy busting my ass to save him my life got worse and worse.
Over 20 years of my life hoping and praying this would be the time he
gets clean.........
If I had those years back and be as wise as I am today...
I am now barely surviving,struggling to feed and cloth my dear children,
while he sits in prison yet again.
These awesome people on here helped me more than they will ever know,
we have been free of our miserable life with him for almost 2 years and
looking back what the heck was wrong with me for taking his crap for so
long.
Thank God I now understand why I made the poor choices I did.
Hopefully you will too.
numerous rehabs and mental hospitals.
Thinking my love could save him,the more I loved and helped him the worse he got.
While I was busy busting my ass to save him my life got worse and worse.
Over 20 years of my life hoping and praying this would be the time he
gets clean.........
If I had those years back and be as wise as I am today...
I am now barely surviving,struggling to feed and cloth my dear children,
while he sits in prison yet again.
These awesome people on here helped me more than they will ever know,
we have been free of our miserable life with him for almost 2 years and
looking back what the heck was wrong with me for taking his crap for so
long.
Thank God I now understand why I made the poor choices I did.
Hopefully you will too.
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by winnie12
I have found many times my son would pull me in with medical needs when he wasnt getting the attention he wanted - its sad but very true so its something that i personally watch for.
That's exactly it, well, my point of view anyway.
I know SOOO many people (myself and A's mom included) who let themselves get sucked into enabling because of health concerns. It's that "it's always something" persona.
"I'm gonna go with [addicts name] to her dr's appointment because she's just not good with stuff like that, she never knows what to ask for. she really needs to learn to take care of herself better."
or
"she has such a low pain tolerance. so, i'm gonna take her kids to school for her again, because she can't drive with this bad headache she has "
even if it's not something directly related to their addiction, its that feeling of "well, even though i'm aggravated that he can't do this himself, i'm gonna do it for him anyway." that's how they manipulate you and pull you back in.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
My XAH, when we were separated, wanted to go to rehab again. I told him he needed to find a place that would take him. He actually called his dad upset because I wouldn't do it for him. He said I was supposed to take care of that stuff for him.
I had done so much for him that he no longer wanted to do for himself. He believed it was my job to take care of him. I was his wife, not his mother. He is an adult and perfectly capable of picking up a phone and calling a rehab just as well as I am. I believe he was just trying to draw me back in.
Sue
I had done so much for him that he no longer wanted to do for himself. He believed it was my job to take care of him. I was his wife, not his mother. He is an adult and perfectly capable of picking up a phone and calling a rehab just as well as I am. I believe he was just trying to draw me back in.
Sue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by AWEDA
His Dr. appt doen't have to do with his addiction?
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Posts: 1,991
I can only explain my thoughts as they pertain to my relationship with my son.
For me it comes down to the "investment" I have in the outcome of my actions. I'm no longer consumed with how my actions affect my son, but how they affect me.
For instance:
I would ALWAYS cook a meal, or offer food to my son as I would for anyone in my home. But what I had to grasp is that whether I do or not, has no affect on whether he uses. In other words, taking care of him won't heal him.
I would not hesitate to make an appointment for him as long as I have no emotional investment on the outcome including whether the correct tests are being done, what the prognosis is etc etc.
I think sometimes when we do things out of kindness and to "help" the emotional attachment with the outcome is the dangerous part for us.
No one should be afraid to post. Its the sharing of experience and the differences between us that provide the learning experience.
We do what we are capable of today, and hope to move forward each tomorrow.
JMO
For me it comes down to the "investment" I have in the outcome of my actions. I'm no longer consumed with how my actions affect my son, but how they affect me.
For instance:
I would ALWAYS cook a meal, or offer food to my son as I would for anyone in my home. But what I had to grasp is that whether I do or not, has no affect on whether he uses. In other words, taking care of him won't heal him.
I would not hesitate to make an appointment for him as long as I have no emotional investment on the outcome including whether the correct tests are being done, what the prognosis is etc etc.
I think sometimes when we do things out of kindness and to "help" the emotional attachment with the outcome is the dangerous part for us.
No one should be afraid to post. Its the sharing of experience and the differences between us that provide the learning experience.
We do what we are capable of today, and hope to move forward each tomorrow.
JMO
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb
I understand what you're saying with everything else...but this.
I know a lot of marriages where the wife makes all the appointments, pays all the bills, does all the cooking, and does all the laundry. It's about what you're comfortable with.
My husband is comfortable with doing all the yard work, putting gas in the cars (I don't like pumping gas), he gets up with the baby at night (I'm not a night person so I take mornings), he does all the hard labor in the house while I handle other things. This arrangement works with us. How can a person who doesn't live in our home tell us that "If he doesn't cook x amount of days out of the week and make x amount of appointments then you're enabling him!" That just doesn't make sense.
I know a lot of marriages where the wife makes all the appointments, pays all the bills, does all the cooking, and does all the laundry. It's about what you're comfortable with.
My husband is comfortable with doing all the yard work, putting gas in the cars (I don't like pumping gas), he gets up with the baby at night (I'm not a night person so I take mornings), he does all the hard labor in the house while I handle other things. This arrangement works with us. How can a person who doesn't live in our home tell us that "If he doesn't cook x amount of days out of the week and make x amount of appointments then you're enabling him!" That just doesn't make sense.
There shouldn't be a definite line, it's whatever you're comfortable with. But you shouldn't let yourself be his mother. You shouldn't assume that you HAVE to take on these responsibilities because he CAN'T. That's where the situation get's sticky.
This is just my opinion. and i'm not picking on you. I just KNOW that pretty much all of the addicts that i've ever met/heard about are manipulative and they do these things like asking you to make their doctors appointments because they don't know what to ask for or how to set up insurance correctly to give themselves a fall-back. so when it screws up, it's not their fault, it's yours.
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Winnie gave a perfect example of the difference between being a loving wife, sister, mother etc
there is a fine line between enabling and caring.............as ones own recovery progresses that difference becomes a bit more clear
we each have to walk our own path there is no one way to live with or love an active addict....................
when in doubt about something I try to ask myself........am I hoping for a certain outcome from my actions? Am I trying to influence him or MAKE him "see" something?
Am I doing whatever it is in hopes of "pushing" him towards recovery?
If I ask and answer those questions for myself HONESTLY I can generally see for myself if what I'm doing or thinking of doing is caring, controlling or enabling
there is a fine line between enabling and caring.............as ones own recovery progresses that difference becomes a bit more clear
we each have to walk our own path there is no one way to live with or love an active addict....................
when in doubt about something I try to ask myself........am I hoping for a certain outcome from my actions? Am I trying to influence him or MAKE him "see" something?
Am I doing whatever it is in hopes of "pushing" him towards recovery?
If I ask and answer those questions for myself HONESTLY I can generally see for myself if what I'm doing or thinking of doing is caring, controlling or enabling
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Hopefully this is all I'm going to say today. I am going to a husband/wife counseling session tomorrow at the treatment center. It has been recommended to me that I NOT go.
I'm going. I'm not going to send that kind of message.
I'm going. I'm not going to send that kind of message.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by cece1960
I can only explain my thoughts as they pertain to my relationship with my son.
For me it comes down to the "investment" I have in the outcome of my actions. I'm no longer consumed with how my actions affect my son, but how they affect me.
For instance:
I would ALWAYS cook a meal, or offer food to my son as I would for anyone in my home. But what I had to grasp is that whether I do or not, has no affect on whether he uses. In other words, taking care of him won't heal him.
I would not hesitate to make an appointment for him as long as I have no emotional investment on the outcome including whether the correct tests are being done, what the prognosis is etc etc.
I think sometimes when we do things out of kindness and to "help" the emotional attachment with the outcome is the dangerous part for us.
No one should be afraid to post. Its the sharing of experience and the differences between us that provide the learning experience.
We do what we are capable of today, and hope to move forward each tomorrow.
JMO
For me it comes down to the "investment" I have in the outcome of my actions. I'm no longer consumed with how my actions affect my son, but how they affect me.
For instance:
I would ALWAYS cook a meal, or offer food to my son as I would for anyone in my home. But what I had to grasp is that whether I do or not, has no affect on whether he uses. In other words, taking care of him won't heal him.
I would not hesitate to make an appointment for him as long as I have no emotional investment on the outcome including whether the correct tests are being done, what the prognosis is etc etc.
I think sometimes when we do things out of kindness and to "help" the emotional attachment with the outcome is the dangerous part for us.
No one should be afraid to post. Its the sharing of experience and the differences between us that provide the learning experience.
We do what we are capable of today, and hope to move forward each tomorrow.
JMO
I agree. It doesn't hurt me to make him a meal or an appointment. I'm taking care of me and my children even if he does or does not go to the appointment.
And when you said this: "But what I had to grasp is that whether I do or not, has no affect on whether he uses" I think that's the point I'm trying to make here. This is the key. Thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Originally Posted by k1a2t3h4r5y6n7
you're right. that is sharing responsiblity equally. when my fiancee worked and i was a stay at home mom, i did the majority of the house work/gardening as well. and now, that i work and he stays at home.... i still do about 50% of the housework, etc. I guess he got used to not having any household responsibilities.
There shouldn't be a definite line, it's whatever you're comfortable with. But you shouldn't let yourself be his mother. You shouldn't assume that you HAVE to take on these responsibilities because he CAN'T. That's where the situation get's sticky.
This is just my opinion. and i'm not picking on you. I just KNOW that pretty much all of the addicts that i've ever met/heard about are manipulative and they do these things like asking you to make their doctors appointments because they don't know what to ask for or how to set up insurance correctly to give themselves a fall-back. so when it screws up, it's not their fault, it's yours.
There shouldn't be a definite line, it's whatever you're comfortable with. But you shouldn't let yourself be his mother. You shouldn't assume that you HAVE to take on these responsibilities because he CAN'T. That's where the situation get's sticky.
This is just my opinion. and i'm not picking on you. I just KNOW that pretty much all of the addicts that i've ever met/heard about are manipulative and they do these things like asking you to make their doctors appointments because they don't know what to ask for or how to set up insurance correctly to give themselves a fall-back. so when it screws up, it's not their fault, it's yours.
Yep, I see what you mean. Must've been nice being a stay at home mom huh? I wish!! LOL! I would be in heaven!
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