Katie09

Have you ever felt like this? I feel like this. I had my electricity turned off this a.m. - my own fault. I am just "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired." I wondered what I'd do without lights tonight, so of course I had to pay more to get my electricity turned on. Of course I called the electric company upset as I couldn't figure out how to turn on the circuit breakers. This is one of the things I hate about being single - my ineptitude. Missed my Dr. appt this a.m. as I could not get my car out of the garage, only to reschedule, only to cancel. At any rate, I am getting sick of being me.

I asked my friend to come here earlier, so I can go to rehab. He will consider it. I called someone I had not spoken to for a long time and told him I am going to go do this. I am blessed, as I can do this, but in the meantime I am not feeling very well. I can bring my computer to rehab with me and will keep in touch. That's it.

PaperDolls

It will get better Katie. It really will.

When are you going to rehab?

flutter

When are you going?

Katie09

As soon as I can. Like tomorrow or today if I can. I am just waiting on someone to come here and help me. He'll be here no later than Monday. They tell me to maintain my habit. My habit is resulting in my electricity getting turned off. I cannot even believe it. I am almost willing to break down and call this guy I know here and ask for help, but that would be a stretch.

flutter

is it that you don't have a ride? can you call a cab? ambulance? isn't this urgent, or am I missing info here..

CoF1984

I'm not really to sure what to say, other than I know this is difficult and probably doesn't leave you feeling good at all. I'll definitely be praying for you and that whatever route you take turns out for the best and the way you'd like it to. Keep trying to do what you can and never give up hope. The harder you try and the more faith you have the more likely you are to get through this. And I hope it helps you to know that we're all here for you to give you all the support and encouragement we can to help you get through whatever obstacle is in your way. And once again, you're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sure many others here.
Wes

Katie09

Yes, it's urgent, but I can't drive distances due to a driving phobia I've had for years. My one thing I've wanted to do in freaking five years is drive to a lake an hour from me just to see a lake, but I can't. I worry about road construction and the like. What will happen if I am in a lane I can't get out of...etc.

Katie09

I know you all are. I am just in this prison. My GF today said she thinks my mental health issues may even factor into the equation more than alcohol. I take some powerful meds. Then combine them with alcohol and my brain is scrambled. I am starting to think I'll stop the meds when I go to rehab, just to really see what I'm dealing with. I'll be in a controlled environment, so maybe I can risk it.

mle-sober

Katie,

Do you know that it kinda-sorta sounds like you "can't" get to rehab because you're scared? Not scared of driving. Scared of rehab?

Like all of a sudden, when you have this wonderful and amazing opportunity to go to what sounds like a very fabulous rehab, now your electricity is the problem. And now your "friend" is the problem.

Take a bus, take a cab, walk, hitch-hike, hire the neighbor to drive you, do whatever you have to do and get your butt to rehab, girl.

(I am NOT saying your phobia of driving isn't real. Just that it's not the most relevant issue.)

flutter

When we want something bad enough, we move mountains to get it. Look at the effort we've gone to for alcohol/drugs. Might not have money for my car note, but I sure as heck keep drinking. Can't drive to the store to get dinner, but I can sure find my way to some liquor. I hope you want it bad enough to get you there. Nothing should stand in your way if you are ready. There IS a way, if you want to figure it out.

Katie09

As long as someone else is driving, I am fine with things. I can drive 15 miles, but anything beyond that is a bigger deal. At times I really believe that mental illness isn't recognized as a part of this whole deal. So of course I am not hopping in my car and driving 300 miles.

mle-sober

Katie,

It would be a horrible shame (to put it lightly) if you let 300 miles come between you and the rest of your life. Alcoholism kills people. Alcoholism dominates your life and controls you. Alcoholism is a raging, ugly, growing beast.

300 miles can be conquered with a Greyhound Bus.

Katie09

Of course I am scared of rehab, but I am just as scared of driving. My friend is not the issue, rather I wish he were here right now. I have to tie things up. I can't just leave a house sit for three months without thinking things through. There are bills, a lawn, a pool, etc. Plus, no one makes a decision to do this without being a mess in advance, so I am not thinking the most clearly. IOW, I need help in this matter. For once in my life I am going to allow someone else to help me out.

mle-sober

OK - I hope your friend arrives and you are able to get to rehab. I can imagine there are a lot of things to do before you go.

I just hope you aren't letting these things PREVENT you from going. It doesn't sound like you are. I am rooting for you!

gerryP

Yes Katie there are a lot of things to do before you leave for rehab. You have mentioned most of them so are you starting to figure out how to get those organized, or is that what you are needing help with?

Do you have a firm check-in date and time for the rehab you are going to? If you need your friend to take you there, is he aware of that?

NoelleR

Hey Grrl -----

Before I say anything here, let's take a brief moment to.................BREATH----in/out......in/out......in/out; now shake your body all over, like a dog getting out of a bath------OK, feel a bit better now...? LOL

"...My GF today said she thinks my mental health issues may even factor into the equation more than alcohol. I take some powerful meds. Then combine them with alcohol and my brain is scrambled. I am starting to think I'll stop the meds when I go to rehab, just to really see what I'm dealing with. I'll be in a controlled environment, so maybe I can risk it..."

This kinda jumped out at me. Before you just stop taking your meds, it might be a better idea to consult with a doctor....stopping them on your own can have a negative effect too.....best to trust the MD's---with full-disclosure regarding your alcohol intake AND any and all medications you've been presecribed

I've often wondered how some MD's can make good, valid diagnoses regarding some mental illnesses if the patient was using alcohol and/or drugs. Most of my friends who still work in treatment fields usually prefer to get the alcohol/drugs out of the client first, and then, while dealing with the recovery process, they can work on whatever mental illness may be there..... (o:

I hope this makes some sense to you Katie. Unfortunately, most rehabs don't treat dual-diagnoses (at least, not at the same time). But for where you're going, perhaps it might be best if you continue taking your meds, for the time being anyway, and after you've been in rehab for a while---and all the alcohol and/or drugs have been flushed from your system---then some therapy regarding whatever mental ilnesses there may be (new testing might be warranted, at the time, too).

I hope I've not added to the stress you're feeling; if I have, I am truly sorry; it was totally unintentional. Perhaps now would be a good time to repeat that little meditation I started this post off with.......:

Let's take a brief moment to.................BREATH----in/out......in/out......in/out; now shake your body all over, like a dog getting out of a bath------OK, feel a bit better now...? LOL


Keep On Keepin' On,

NoelleR

LosingmyMisery

One thing I had to learn to do was walk through the fear. That is the only way you are going to make it through to the other side. Fear cripples many of us. I know that is what kept me in my addiction for many years. Having someone to walk with you is very helpful. I hope your friend arrives soon, but if he doesn't, get to your Dr. appointment right away. You have canceled two days in a row. I'm afraid with each day you will find another reason not to go. I don't say that to be combative, but I say it because I did the same thing. I didn't want to face the situation because I was crippled with fear and anxiety. If you can't find someone to take you, just do it. You can get through this. In fact, you have to. I can hear the desperation in your posts. It doesn't have to be this way. The only thing standing between you and recovery is yourself. That is true with all of us.

Katie09

Thanks, oh no I am going. I've already put $3K down on the place and know the name of my therapist who will be treating me. I asked him to come here SOON and he said he would get back to me. He keeps thinking I might change my mind possibly, but I won't. In addition to the rehab, I want to get OUT of this state where I've been sitting in my house for the last five years drinking (in fact, I had to call the AA in my former city last night just to talk to someone, as I got an answering machine here when I called). I truly hate it here and it was the decline in mental illness that led to my making the move here. I left a good job to end up in a house hiding out and drinking. I do believe this is going to be the thing that will change my life and save my life. I just hope I don't drive y'all crazy between now and when I get out of here. This place has a schedule from morning until night, so I am sure I won't have much time to be here.

mamabin

Katie, I've been reading your posts and I can't help but think that there are too many reasons in your mind to keep you from going. I'm not trying to be hurtful so please don't take it that way. But I think your reason FOR going is bigger than your reasons NOT to go. You need to come first here. Once you get into rehab, maybe you'll be in a better place to work on the other things or asking for someone else to help you out.

As far as the meds go, I'm right there with ya. I was hoping that I could stop drinking and then I wouldn't need the meds. My husband has to keep reminding me that my body is already going through one chemical change right now, and I need to take it slow. So for now, I'm still taking my meds. I need help getting off of them gradually, and my therapist has no idea how much I've been drinking.

As far as you driving us crazy, isn't that what we're all here for? As for me, you can go ahead and try to drive me crazy with your posts, it just ain't happenin'


I wish you a healthy recovery. Please don't stop posting.

Katie09

No, he comes in at noonish on Saturday. I told him book the flight. So, I want him to sort of instruct me in the details of what has to be done. I have the address of the place to forward my mail. I have asked for someone to keep an eye out here on my place.

No one shows up in good shape. I have been to the hospital for this 32 years ago and OP stuff since then - although it's been maybe five years ago since the last OP. So, I am really committed when I am willing to do 90 days. That's a long time. It's a long enough time to clear my head and get a proper psych Dx. My friend will be here in 36 hours, if I do my math correctly? That's not much time. I told him he may have to help me get it together. He realizes this. I had to call the police on him twice in another state due to his drinking. So, that is what we do. We help each other. We understand this condition. And thank you so much for your post.

Oh, about your therapist and not knowing how much you are drinking...I'd really encourage you to tell your therapist about this. I pretty much lied to my shrink for five years. How can a person expect to get help when not disclosing this information? I am going to be an open book this time around. I am going to involve both my therapist here and Dr. in the treatment process. This is just my opinion. You may not feel comfortable with this or at that point. But sooner or later, it has to come out. It's just a matter of how long a person wants to deal with this. I think the bottom line is that we just have this thing going on that robs us of a happy life. At least that is how I feel. And thank you, thank you, thank you and I wish I knew how to do cute graphics stuff!