timetogo

Well, I haven't been here in a few days and I have missed it. I have been on a REALLY BIG rollercoaster! This is long winded (as I know I can be!)

It started Sat morning. I was going in to work on my day off -- left the house -- things were fairly normal (as normal as it can be -- he was still living downstairs). I had heard through one of my daughters that my AH was moving this weekend (nice to hear through the kids!).

Three oclock that afternoon, I got a call from my oldest daughters work that she was really ill. She was in a lot of pain and one of her coworkers was going to take her to the hospital. Well that became the major rollercoaster! She was in incredible pain and they didn't know what was going on. I live in a rural part of Ontario and she ended up being transferred to three different hospitals before they did surgery on her on Sunday. They found a massive cycst that had grown in her fellopian tube and wrapped itself around an ovary -- starting to kill it. She is only 18 and they wanted to save her ovary of course and managed to save 1/3 of it. It was a very scary few days (especially at first because they said she had a large mass and they were sure it wasn't cancer but they couldn't determine what it was or where it was).

To top it all off, I had absolutely no way to get a hold of my husband. After the fact, I found out he had indeed moved Saturday morning and did not have a phone. His mom offered to look for him late on Sat night but I didn't know if he was in a bar, drunk or what -- that is just what I needed -- a drunk with me. I always knew he would be awol some day and something would happen like this. We ended up having to spend the last few days together (being with DD in the hospital) and it was very uncomfortable. So sad, that after 27 years, it was awkward to be in the same room together while our daughter was going through this. But I pulled it together for the sake of my daughter.

On Saturday, when they didn't know what was wrong with DD, I was sooooo scared. I couldn't bare the pain at the thought of losing her. On the way to the second hospital (she was in an ambulance and I was driving) I asked my HP to please protect her -- please not to take her away. This is the first time that I have asked anything of my HP for many years because HP has seemingly been letting me down. It was so emotional for me and insightful. I didn't feel alone, even though I was by myself. I have since had regular, daily contact with my HP.

My husband and I had to drive together almost an hour home from the hospital the night that she had her surgery and we talked -- he is in total denial of any kind of substance abuse problem. The entire problem is our relationship. It is my controlling behaviours and the fact that I don't do everything a good wife should do (which mostly means sex!) We just don't love each other enough any more. It hurt so much and I cried like an idiot in front of him. I wanted him to say he still loved me so bad that I ached. I can't stand him but I want him to love me -- what's with that? Spending the time with him, made me realize that our separation is the best possible thing that could happen. Out of this contact with AH, I feel like I have really moved into acceptance.

It is so painful, but I also feel such relief. I have told my coworkers, who as fellow counsellors and therapists and truly family, are a wonderful support system to have. That was liberating. They knew something was wrong.

I come home at night and don't have to worry whether he will come home drunk or not at all. I don't have to sleep with my purse (which is an amazing feeling!!). I don't have to listen to the "drunken snores" or the disgusting smell. I don't care if he spends money -- it's not my business.

I'm scared, worried, relieved, stronger, more peaceful. It is the right thing -- he doesn't think he has a problem. And I know I do. And I'm working on that -- working on me. I think I'm going to be ok.

Anyway, today is a different day -- the important thing for me today is my DD is home and recovering. And for that, I'm truly truly thankful.

Thanks for listening!

lovtolaff

Wow. First of all, I'm glad your daughter will be ok.

Honey, I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. Mine too was in denial (still is as far as I know) and yes I was the "control freak" and the naggy girlfriend, blah blah. And yeah I suppose I was a little controlling and naggy but I felt I had reason to be....right or wrong, it was how I felt at the time.

Hmm...when you find out what that is, could you share it with me? I feel the same way sometimes...not as often as I used to but I'll be honest - sometimes I do think along the same lines. I'm still working on the "whys" of my feelings - and one thing that I've been thinking about lately is maybe part of it is feeling like I failed because I wasn't able to get him to "conform" to what I thought I wanted. All of that drama, turmoil, "hard work" in our relationship was for what? Maybe it's a "by God you BETTER still love me after all I went thru for you". That's icky to me - I don't want to be there.

Yes you WILL be ok. Heck you won't be just "ok" - you'll be GREAT. Take your life back and live it for you and you only.

peaceteach

Hey Time,

Wow. What a crazy couple of days. In the midst of such anguish with your daughter, you were capable of coming to terms with your feelings. I know that when one of my kids was in pain or danger, I always "manned up" and was strong and assured of myself. Glad you came here to share your victories, and the good news about your baby.

Don't be afraid to let all that strength out in a few tears now, sweetie. You did great, and if you need to soak in a bathtub and cry now that everyone and everything is okay, well, you are entitled to do that. You are still a girl, even though you've had to act like mom/dad for your baby.

Do something really spoiling for yourself and your girl. Sending hugs, prayers, and congrats for getting your mojo back, sister.

sillysquirrel

Timetogo-I am so glad that your daughter is ok. Isn't it strange how a dramatic event like that where the outcome is unknown (even if just for a little while) can really help you to prioritize things in your life?

I remember when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and also when my dad had a stroke. Nothing else mattered to me other than the health of my family. Somehow, I have gone back to my old ways and am once again letting all of these little, meaningless things affect me.

Give your daughter a hug for me. I am so thankful that things turned out well for you.

MissFixit

You sound like you really held strong under pressure. Take some time for yourself soon, so you don't implode. Since he is gone from the house, maybe you can get a chance to breathe and relax.

I remember that smell and HATED it.

Take care of yourself.

GiveLove

So proud of you, timetogo!! Check it out, lady:

Do you want to know something? The timetogo that we first met a few weeks ago would never EVER have said or done any of this. She was a confused wreck, sad, hopeless and bent on self-punishment.

Look at what you've done.

Holy cow!!!! :ghug

Blessings to you and to your daughter -- may she heal quickly and may you be best friends forever.

blessed4x

Not only are you GOING TO BE ok, you ARE ok now.......thank you so much for sharing. Your daughter is blessed to have you, as you are to have her.

bearfeet

I am so glad your daughter got through it with your support and I hope that she is on the mend now with lots of Mummys tlc.

I understand totally what you have been through, last month my 1yr old girl had a fit and had to go to hospital. It turned out to be due to a high temp thanks to her back teeth, however before this was ascertained there was a real worry it was meningitis and they performed some gruesome procedures, the poor mite was so so unhappy. My A was with me (though I might add reluctantly as he had a stag night to attend.......) but all my cares and worries for him vanished then, all I could think of was my little precious baby and her health, it shook me indeed.

I too feel like you most of the time I am with him, I really can't stick him and his ways, his drunkeness, agressiveness and general selfish, horrible attitude but you've defined it then, I want him to love me, I want him to see how good we could have been, to accept that. He doesn't though he just throws the blame on me or somewhere in the middle i.e 'we were a bad mix etc etc' no you and alcohol are probably a worse mix ha...

So do you think if he said 'I love you, I want you I miss you etc' could you walk away happy and start caring for yourself intact? I believe I would I fantasise about it but in reality I probably wouldn't so it probably is a gift that he doesn't feel or say these things to me.

Just musing anyway...

You're doing brilliantly and have reached a good place I'd say, well done for getting through what must have been a terrible time.

Sending lots of love and hugs to you and your daughter.

xcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxc

timetogo

Thank you to all for your kind words. My daughter is recovering very well -- amazing how resilient the body is and what a difference a few days makes.

So do you think if he said 'I love you, I want you I miss you etc' could you walk away happy and start caring for yourself intact? I believe I would I fantasise about it but in reality I probably wouldn't so it probably is a gift that he doesn't feel or say these things to me.

I do believe that I have "fantasized" about what our relationship "should" have been for a long time now. And I tried desperately to control it so it would be what "I" wanted. I think part of me wants him to feel the same type of pain I feel from "love lost". But as an addict, who obviously doesn't love himself very much, I don't think I will ever get this from him. I think our relationship (at least the last part of it) has been extremely unhealthy for both of us. It should have ended a long time ago and I do regret that but can't beat myself up over it -- there is nothing I can do now about time lost. I can only go forward.

I do think I would feel better about myself if I knew that he still loved me -- such sick thinking that only tells me that I have so much work to do. I can accept that our relationship is over. I can accept that he has moved out. But I am having a lot of trouble accepting that he doesn't love me.

When he left four years ago (dui, I asked him to leave -- he was gone 4 mos -- went to rehab -- found recovery, lost recovery) he was begging me to come home. Begging me not to leave him. In some sick way, it fed my self esteem and empowered me to do the things I needed to do. It hurts more now to know that he doesn't want me back but it is the right thing to do.

So to answer your question bearfeet, I do think that I would feel better if he said those things to me. I just don't expect it.