How Would YOU Do This?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
How Would YOU Do This?
I want OUT. I've had enough. Even though he's scheduled for rehab in 4 months, I don't love him anymore and feel like vomiting every time he drinks. He's been terribly abusive, lied and womanized, and continues to blame it all on the alcohol (how convenient). It's been 13 1/2 years of he*ll. He's 'pissed away' at least $150,000. since we've been together. He does work, but doesn't make enough to support his 'habit'. We've remortgaged our house, and will have to again shortly, to pay off more debt. I'M responsible for making it all come together - for him to maintain his habit. I've pleaded with him to work with me to get the house sold (on many occasions), but he won't help because he knows it will mean the 'end' for us. He MAY help me get it all cleaned up and presentable for an estimate, to refinance, though.
I don't want to refinance and get a 'new' mortgage. I want to sell - but these are hard times and I have no guarantee that we would sell. We're not married and currently the major debt is in my name, since I've been responsible for making a provision for his $1,500. a month habit on my credit. At least if we remortgage, I'll get a clean slate. I know it's my mistake and I'm not trying to play the victim. I simply want OUT now - without a 'War of The Roses' that could leave me carrying around a debtload that I can't afford to (am on disability now - but actually used to have a good life before the A). I can't even afford a lawyer and have been threatened by him that if I went to a lawyer, he'd make my life a living he*ll, but I can't imagine it being worse than it already has been, but I'm sure it can. Have not been to Al-anon yet, but have been in abuse counseling for several years, as well as taking a course on abuse.
Just wondering how others have dealt with or would deal with this situation. One horrible decision on top of another to the point of being paralyzed. I just keep spinning my wheels and feel I am about to do it once again!:wtf2
I don't want to refinance and get a 'new' mortgage. I want to sell - but these are hard times and I have no guarantee that we would sell. We're not married and currently the major debt is in my name, since I've been responsible for making a provision for his $1,500. a month habit on my credit. At least if we remortgage, I'll get a clean slate. I know it's my mistake and I'm not trying to play the victim. I simply want OUT now - without a 'War of The Roses' that could leave me carrying around a debtload that I can't afford to (am on disability now - but actually used to have a good life before the A). I can't even afford a lawyer and have been threatened by him that if I went to a lawyer, he'd make my life a living he*ll, but I can't imagine it being worse than it already has been, but I'm sure it can. Have not been to Al-anon yet, but have been in abuse counseling for several years, as well as taking a course on abuse.
Just wondering how others have dealt with or would deal with this situation. One horrible decision on top of another to the point of being paralyzed. I just keep spinning my wheels and feel I am about to do it once again!:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Do you have children? If you do it's more complicated. If not, man I would just cut bait and roll on out of there. Can you go stay with Mom or someone while you sort it out? Things become clearer from a distance.
KJ
KJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
I DID kick him out (found him an apartment) for 6 months (twice), but because we're both responsible for the mortgage, I needed to maintain contact - at least for that. He moved out - gladly in fact - because he was still TIED to me. He had a great time - addicted to porn dating sites and finding women. He drank up a storm, had women over. I was STILL responsible for maintaining the house and the bills, myself. He'd put his paycheck in the bank, and I'd take care of everything. HOW STUPID OF ME - I KNOW. It didn't work. I needed him on board to get this house sold and we eventually couldn't maintain 2 places (since we're completely financially joined - and he wouldn't follow the criteria I set up in order for it to POSSIBLY work). He would have had to cut back on alcohol, which he wasn't prepared to do. He also wouldn't stop calling me and trying to maintain OUR relationship (while seeing other women). I begged him to leave me alone, but how could I cut him off when we were still joined? I wanted to sever ALL ties, but because he wouldn't agree to sell the house, and I couldn't deal with what I thought would be a war if I didn't comply. A LOT of emotional blackmail - and it worked, because I felt too vulnerable to be as strong as I needed to be.
I'm physically comfortable in my life, but emotionally I feel it is over and I've lost the fight. I know people might tell me to stop playing the victim, but the fact is that I HONESTLY don't have the physical or emotional energy it would take to dig myself out of this he*ll hole. I suffer chronic pain and am extremely depressed.
I'm physically comfortable in my life, but emotionally I feel it is over and I've lost the fight. I know people might tell me to stop playing the victim, but the fact is that I HONESTLY don't have the physical or emotional energy it would take to dig myself out of this he*ll hole. I suffer chronic pain and am extremely depressed.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I would try my very hardest to envision ways to move forward that do not require the cooperation of your alcoholic partner.
For instance, you do not NEED his assistance or agreement to put the house on the market. Even if you cannot get it into the kind of shape you might be able to if you had a man helping. But I would change my thinking on that one from: "I've pleaded with him to work with me to get the house sold (on many occasions), but he won't help because he knows it will mean the 'end' for us. He MAY help me get it all cleaned up and presentable for an estimate, to refinance, though." to "I am going to do the best I can to make the house appealing and then I am going to put it on the market for a price that it will sell at."
If you stick to the first thought, you are dependant upon him. I would do whatever internal work I needed to do to stop being dependant on him.
I would also change my thinking in terms of money. I would absolutely under no conditions give him any of my money with which to drink. I don't care if that puts him in the ER detoxing.
You say, "I'M responsible for making it all come together - for him to maintain his habit." I would change my thinking on that one. I would change it to, "I'm responsible for myself financially and not responsible for his habit at all."
Even if this meant filing for bancrupcty and selling the house at a huge loss and moving into a smaller apartment.
It sounds like your life has been a living hell. You're the only one who can change that. Clearly, this man is not motivated to mak,e anything better. You have to.
I know when you've been in a long relationship that is filled with bullet holes and hurt places and all kinds of misery, it is hard to extricate yourself. In my experience the very first thing that is required is that you do some very serious overhaul on your thinking. Once you change that, it frees you up to take the practicle steps necessary.
Good luck. Be strong. Get out.
For instance, you do not NEED his assistance or agreement to put the house on the market. Even if you cannot get it into the kind of shape you might be able to if you had a man helping. But I would change my thinking on that one from: "I've pleaded with him to work with me to get the house sold (on many occasions), but he won't help because he knows it will mean the 'end' for us. He MAY help me get it all cleaned up and presentable for an estimate, to refinance, though." to "I am going to do the best I can to make the house appealing and then I am going to put it on the market for a price that it will sell at."
If you stick to the first thought, you are dependant upon him. I would do whatever internal work I needed to do to stop being dependant on him.
I would also change my thinking in terms of money. I would absolutely under no conditions give him any of my money with which to drink. I don't care if that puts him in the ER detoxing.
You say, "I'M responsible for making it all come together - for him to maintain his habit." I would change my thinking on that one. I would change it to, "I'm responsible for myself financially and not responsible for his habit at all."
Even if this meant filing for bancrupcty and selling the house at a huge loss and moving into a smaller apartment.
It sounds like your life has been a living hell. You're the only one who can change that. Clearly, this man is not motivated to mak,e anything better. You have to.
I know when you've been in a long relationship that is filled with bullet holes and hurt places and all kinds of misery, it is hard to extricate yourself. In my experience the very first thing that is required is that you do some very serious overhaul on your thinking. Once you change that, it frees you up to take the practicle steps necessary.
Good luck. Be strong. Get out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: palma de mallorca
Posts: 16
Well you must see that that man of yours relyies on you... he is shure that you will come back, because of the mortage etc...
Now honestly you better run, for your own safty!!! Disapear, forget the house and mortage ect especally him. You MUST get out of there.
You will find the way out! But I belive you are in danger! Get OUT of there!
Take care!
Now honestly you better run, for your own safty!!! Disapear, forget the house and mortage ect especally him. You MUST get out of there.
You will find the way out! But I belive you are in danger! Get OUT of there!
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
People foreclose on houses and go on to be happy.
People file for bankruptcy and go on to be happy.
People stop paying for their ABF's booze and go on to be happy.
You can do this. You can.
I know you're in chronic pain and it's probably hard to do the mental gymnastics to get out of this, but maybe we can help. Once you're away from this nonstop stress, your pain may disappear (that is a common observation here on SR) How much equity do you have in your house? Minus any second mortgages etc. How does it net out?
Let's start there. No more. Small steps, dazed, remember?
People file for bankruptcy and go on to be happy.
People stop paying for their ABF's booze and go on to be happy.
You can do this. You can.
I know you're in chronic pain and it's probably hard to do the mental gymnastics to get out of this, but maybe we can help. Once you're away from this nonstop stress, your pain may disappear (that is a common observation here on SR) How much equity do you have in your house? Minus any second mortgages etc. How does it net out?
Let's start there. No more. Small steps, dazed, remember?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
When I made the decision to leave and divorce now xAH, I knew that I would take a financial hit. I knew selling the house wouldn't get us much in terms of payout. Iended up paying most of the costs for fixing the place up. The house was within 7 days of going to forclosure sale when the sale of the house closed. On a house that at one time I had about $300,000 equity in ya wanna know what I got? Less than $1500. And a credit rating in the toilet because payments were 8 months in arrears.
But it was worth it. I was willing to let them take the house to forclosure rather than be tied to that man any longer.
Talk to a lawyer. Find out what your options are. Perhaps you call talk your ABF into signing a quit claim deed and you can pay him off thru a refinance. Who knows. There is always something that can be done to improve one's life.
But it was worth it. I was willing to let them take the house to forclosure rather than be tied to that man any longer.
Talk to a lawyer. Find out what your options are. Perhaps you call talk your ABF into signing a quit claim deed and you can pay him off thru a refinance. Who knows. There is always something that can be done to improve one's life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Absolutely, Barb...we are way better off with a poor credit rating, but a clean bill of mental and physical health! And the only way to get healthy for most of us is to get the heck outta there. I'd sooner flush my credit rating down the toilet than stay in this situation. I was in a similar fix at least once. I've had a codie problem my whole life and have been in several codie relationships where, for various different reasons, the men in my life have always been parasites on me.
My latest ex-husband (I was married twice), told me that if I kicked him out of my house (we were only married one year, late in life, and I owned the property prior to the marriage) he would call the police and tell them that I was beating him (ridiculous, he is huge and scary) and I would lose my job and my freedom.
He was an immigrant working on getting citizenship, and I was his only hope to get it, so he was desperate to stay in this horrible contentious relationship (but not so desperate that he would do what I insisted he do to stay on--get and keep a full-time job!).
So I waited and waited for months, miserable and wondering what to do. Finally, he could sense that a break-up was imminent, so he called my boss anyway, and told them everything bad that he could think of. My boss took him for the nut that he was, and called and warned me to get away from him, that he sounded like bad news.
First, I went straight to the bank and took all of my money out of the joint account. I left him one thousand dollars to get somewhere on. I then immediately went and got an emergency ex-parte then and there. I had it served on him, and he was not allowed to stay one more minute. I told the judge he'd once threatened to burn the house down if I left (true) and that I had kids and that he drinks around them. The police put him out and instructed him not to contact me or the kids until the hearing.
It was so great and peaceful!!! I couldn't believe how much better life got immediately. And you know what? I've found ways to stay in my house. I work overtime, second gigs, whatever, and I still have more money than I had with that parasite. My worst fears never came true.
When he continued to contact people at my job and my family, that was a violation of the court order, and he was arrested twice before he learned that in this country we don't have to do what men say (in his country, women are bound in marriage until the men release them). The judge took a dim view of him violating the order, and he was on supervised probation for two years.
I recently received a letter for immigration stating that they are seeking to deport him as he isn't eligible, due to his criminal violations against me, to continue seeking citizenship. YAY! Now if only I knew where he was, I would report him to immigration in a hot second.
Bottom line, do what you gotta do to get rid of this guy...it'll all work out for the best. Your life will be so much better, and you will figure things out financially one way or another, much more easily without his draining you.
Love,
KJ
My latest ex-husband (I was married twice), told me that if I kicked him out of my house (we were only married one year, late in life, and I owned the property prior to the marriage) he would call the police and tell them that I was beating him (ridiculous, he is huge and scary) and I would lose my job and my freedom.
He was an immigrant working on getting citizenship, and I was his only hope to get it, so he was desperate to stay in this horrible contentious relationship (but not so desperate that he would do what I insisted he do to stay on--get and keep a full-time job!).
So I waited and waited for months, miserable and wondering what to do. Finally, he could sense that a break-up was imminent, so he called my boss anyway, and told them everything bad that he could think of. My boss took him for the nut that he was, and called and warned me to get away from him, that he sounded like bad news.
First, I went straight to the bank and took all of my money out of the joint account. I left him one thousand dollars to get somewhere on. I then immediately went and got an emergency ex-parte then and there. I had it served on him, and he was not allowed to stay one more minute. I told the judge he'd once threatened to burn the house down if I left (true) and that I had kids and that he drinks around them. The police put him out and instructed him not to contact me or the kids until the hearing.
It was so great and peaceful!!! I couldn't believe how much better life got immediately. And you know what? I've found ways to stay in my house. I work overtime, second gigs, whatever, and I still have more money than I had with that parasite. My worst fears never came true.
When he continued to contact people at my job and my family, that was a violation of the court order, and he was arrested twice before he learned that in this country we don't have to do what men say (in his country, women are bound in marriage until the men release them). The judge took a dim view of him violating the order, and he was on supervised probation for two years.
I recently received a letter for immigration stating that they are seeking to deport him as he isn't eligible, due to his criminal violations against me, to continue seeking citizenship. YAY! Now if only I knew where he was, I would report him to immigration in a hot second.
Bottom line, do what you gotta do to get rid of this guy...it'll all work out for the best. Your life will be so much better, and you will figure things out financially one way or another, much more easily without his draining you.
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
I like what kj suggested, I would force him to leave. You may be able to keep the home, even during these difficult financial times, if the money he is abusing is applied toward the bills that need to be caught up. He can find a place of his own, be it a bridge, friend's couch, of homeless shelter. Why did he schedule treatment in four months, when it sounds like he needs it immediately? Is that just more time to party? You can do what is necessary to protect yourself and begin building a new life, without him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
I believe you are stuck in "stinkin thinkin"......YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR THINKING........dont you realize your the healthy one here??? you have to make these changes not him......let him handle his bills and if he cant then yes contact someone and get him some help, IMO I would contact legal aid and find out what your options are.....good luck!
Pamm
Pamm
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by kj3880 
Bottom line, do what you gotta do to get rid of this guy...it'll all work out for the best. Your life will be so much better, and you will figure things out financially one way or another, much more easily without his draining you.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by WLDKATZ
......let him handle his bills and if he cant then yes contact someone and get him some help.....
Pamm
Pamm
If he can't then... get him some help????? If he can't, LET HIM FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DON'T TAKE CARE OF HIM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
Thanks to everyone here for helping me to keep it real. Man - sometimes I can't believe how I keep getting hoovered back in. I had codie tendencies - but this has to be the WORST! I used to have enough self confidence and boundaries to be able to say NO, but I've lost them.
Each time I try to hold my ground, he changes his whole tune and I love the peace that follows, but it never lasts.
He cannot get into the program for 4 months and after exploding yesterday, and glad to be able to unload to those who understand. I've decided to give him those 4 months and see what happens. If nothing changes after 4 months I really believe I'll be able to say THAT'S IT - and have a reason to stick with it.
Thanks again for sharing your stories. I want to be happy and healthy again!
Each time I try to hold my ground, he changes his whole tune and I love the peace that follows, but it never lasts.
He cannot get into the program for 4 months and after exploding yesterday, and glad to be able to unload to those who understand. I've decided to give him those 4 months and see what happens. If nothing changes after 4 months I really believe I'll be able to say THAT'S IT - and have a reason to stick with it.
Thanks again for sharing your stories. I want to be happy and healthy again!
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
He starts rehab in 4 months? That means he has all kinds of time to actually be in rehab while you hang on thinking he might get better. Four months?? I wouldn't give him one more second. Much less 4 months which are going to turn into 8 months, 9 months, 12 months... oops he relapsed again, but he's so sorry. And he was doing so well.
You said this about him: "I don't love him anymore and feel like vomiting every time he drinks. He's been terribly abusive, lied and womanized, and continues to blame it all on the alcohol (how convenient). It's been 13 1/2 years of he*ll. He's 'pissed away' at least $150,000. since we've been together. He does work, but doesn't make enough to support his 'habit'."
Ugh. Why do you think you deserve this punishment????
You said this about him: "I don't love him anymore and feel like vomiting every time he drinks. He's been terribly abusive, lied and womanized, and continues to blame it all on the alcohol (how convenient). It's been 13 1/2 years of he*ll. He's 'pissed away' at least $150,000. since we've been together. He does work, but doesn't make enough to support his 'habit'."
Ugh. Why do you think you deserve this punishment????
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Agreed, dazed. MLE is the sober alcoholic and knows of whence she speaks.
Is there a particular reason why he can continue to do what he's always done - drinking, abusing, not trying, sucking up your money - for four months rather than starting a program like AA in the interim? That's free. And available all over.
Sorry to call you out on this but.....it appears you are taking the path of least resistance, and that's the one that keeps you in pain.
Is there a particular reason why he can continue to do what he's always done - drinking, abusing, not trying, sucking up your money - for four months rather than starting a program like AA in the interim? That's free. And available all over.
Sorry to call you out on this but.....it appears you are taking the path of least resistance, and that's the one that keeps you in pain.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
In answer to your original question--How would YOU do this?
First thing, I would separate all finances. Close any joint banking accounts, credit cards, etc. Untangle yourself from him financially.
That leaves the house. Talk to an attorney. Find out what your options are. And while you are talking to them, find out what your options are as far as separation, divorce, or whatever. Take whatever action you can to protect yourself financially. You may get stuck with some negative effects, but at least you can try to minimize it.
There is no rule that says you have to continue to live with or be married to someone to give them another chance. You can get some space between you and him and allow yourself the peace to think and plan rationally. If he recovers and turns his life around, you can always get back together. Why would you want to put YOUR life on hold while he hims and haws and twiddles his thumbs about HIS life?
L
First thing, I would separate all finances. Close any joint banking accounts, credit cards, etc. Untangle yourself from him financially.
That leaves the house. Talk to an attorney. Find out what your options are. And while you are talking to them, find out what your options are as far as separation, divorce, or whatever. Take whatever action you can to protect yourself financially. You may get stuck with some negative effects, but at least you can try to minimize it.
There is no rule that says you have to continue to live with or be married to someone to give them another chance. You can get some space between you and him and allow yourself the peace to think and plan rationally. If he recovers and turns his life around, you can always get back together. Why would you want to put YOUR life on hold while he hims and haws and twiddles his thumbs about HIS life?
L
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
