Son is out...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Son is out...
Well, we did it- we are no longer enabling. I wish I could say that it felt good- but it doesn't. I mean, I know we did the right thing. It's just that the right thing doesn't always feel good. Not knowing where he is is heart breaking and scary.
The quick version is that he was living in one of our rental houses, could no longer pay us rent because he can't get/keep a job, had his addict gf staying there too, when she wasn't allowed- so last Saturday my husband helped pack them both up and out. My son didn't even seem angry, he just accepts it, maybe he's giving up- which saddens me.
So, I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I'm praying for his safety and reminding myself of the 3 C's....
Thanks for reading.
The quick version is that he was living in one of our rental houses, could no longer pay us rent because he can't get/keep a job, had his addict gf staying there too, when she wasn't allowed- so last Saturday my husband helped pack them both up and out. My son didn't even seem angry, he just accepts it, maybe he's giving up- which saddens me.
So, I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I'm praying for his safety and reminding myself of the 3 C's....
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((AquaBlue))) - no, doing the right thing usually doesn't feel good..in fact, it usually hurts pretty darned bad. It goes against everything we're used to doing.
But from this RA, you ARE doing the right thing. We truly NEED to face reality and the consequences of our using. It's the only thing that had an impact on me. I knew my family loved me, and your son knows this, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
But from this RA, you ARE doing the right thing. We truly NEED to face reality and the consequences of our using. It's the only thing that had an impact on me. I knew my family loved me, and your son knows this, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Aquablue.....my BF kicked his son our recently, and it was very hard for him. We have just turned the young man over to his higher power and hope that someday he will find his own way to recovery.
You did do the right thing...so did my BF. Huge hugs to you! HG
You did do the right thing...so did my BF. Huge hugs to you! HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Me too, Aqua Blue. Grant yourself the right to enjoy the serenity that comes with letting your son run his own life and you running yours. That helps me a lot. So does limited contact and not knowing. I know that sounds harsh, but you get used to it, and you deserve to enjoy life too, without all that worry. You aren't the one choosing drugs over normalcy.
Now I know why my mom always wanted to be kept in the dark
Now I know why my mom always wanted to be kept in the dark
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
AquaBlue, the fact that it is the right thing doesn't make it hurt any less. It always helps me to remember my child has a higher power too and also that it is only by making her own way that she found her way out of the darkness. When the pain of continuing his present path is enough, he will be able to make a choice. Hugs and prayers for you and your son.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Aqua,
I so understand. It's so hard to make the tough decisions, to decide to stop the enabling, to get out of the way so they can find their own way. Many moms here have been in the same position, not knowing where our kids were going to end up.
The thing that I have to remind myself of (almost daily) is that when I do for my AD the things she can do for herself, I am cheating her, I am robbing her of the opportunity to grow and learn to become the responsible adult I always wanted her to be. When someone put it to me like that...like I was taking something from my AD that would be the very thing that would help her, it was then that the light came on. The tough decisions were still tough, but I knew I didn't want to cheat or rob from my AD anymore.
Prayers & hugs for your and your son,
Hangin' In
I so understand. It's so hard to make the tough decisions, to decide to stop the enabling, to get out of the way so they can find their own way. Many moms here have been in the same position, not knowing where our kids were going to end up.
The thing that I have to remind myself of (almost daily) is that when I do for my AD the things she can do for herself, I am cheating her, I am robbing her of the opportunity to grow and learn to become the responsible adult I always wanted her to be. When someone put it to me like that...like I was taking something from my AD that would be the very thing that would help her, it was then that the light came on. The tough decisions were still tough, but I knew I didn't want to cheat or rob from my AD anymore.
Prayers & hugs for your and your son,
Hangin' In
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Thank you for your support and understanding- it truly helps me to not feel alone. I've been re-reading your responses daily, just to keep my strength up and my head straight.
Quick update: Got a call this morning from son's gf's mom- she said that her daughter was arrested last night, there was herion and stolen merchandise. Apparently they were stealing from Wal-mart and returning the merchandise for cash. She was driving my son's truck, and while she was being cuffed, my son and another person ran. BUT, when we did some calling around this morning we were told by police that the dog (son's dog who is always with him in truck) was released to my son. Police couldn't say a lot because of confidentiality issues, but I'm wondering how he could get his dog if he's on the run- ? Anyway, we are on our way to get the truck, as it's in our name- we are going to sell it ASAP. I don't expect to hear from son, but if we do his only option is to turn himself in and/or rehab. That's it.
I guess the drama is beginning, but I'm not taking it on- just want to get the truck taken care of as that's our "last" involvement, so to speak. We knew things would progress this way, just didn't think it would be so soon- but that's actually a good thing.
I guess it most certainly was our time to get out of his way....
Quick update: Got a call this morning from son's gf's mom- she said that her daughter was arrested last night, there was herion and stolen merchandise. Apparently they were stealing from Wal-mart and returning the merchandise for cash. She was driving my son's truck, and while she was being cuffed, my son and another person ran. BUT, when we did some calling around this morning we were told by police that the dog (son's dog who is always with him in truck) was released to my son. Police couldn't say a lot because of confidentiality issues, but I'm wondering how he could get his dog if he's on the run- ? Anyway, we are on our way to get the truck, as it's in our name- we are going to sell it ASAP. I don't expect to hear from son, but if we do his only option is to turn himself in and/or rehab. That's it.
I guess the drama is beginning, but I'm not taking it on- just want to get the truck taken care of as that's our "last" involvement, so to speak. We knew things would progress this way, just didn't think it would be so soon- but that's actually a good thing.
I guess it most certainly was our time to get out of his way....
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Yep, Aqua, things are progressing just as they should.
Hmmm, sounds a little strange though. I mean, while they were handcuffing gf, son runs?? Yet they return the dog to the son? Maybe, just maybe, son wasn't with her and is not involved. I can't believe, if it is true about him running, that they just said "oh well" and later returned his dog.
I'm hoping he wasn't with her and maybe he'll see the light just a little sooner.
Poor puppy!
You are doing the right thing by getting the truck and getting rid of it...especially since it's in your name. That's a scary thing!
It takes time to learn how to detach, but once you do it, you know it is the right thing to do. Look at it this way, nothing else has worked so might as well try detaching.
Things will get better, I promise you.
Hugs, Devastated
Hmmm, sounds a little strange though. I mean, while they were handcuffing gf, son runs?? Yet they return the dog to the son? Maybe, just maybe, son wasn't with her and is not involved. I can't believe, if it is true about him running, that they just said "oh well" and later returned his dog.
I'm hoping he wasn't with her and maybe he'll see the light just a little sooner.
Poor puppy!
You are doing the right thing by getting the truck and getting rid of it...especially since it's in your name. That's a scary thing!
It takes time to learn how to detach, but once you do it, you know it is the right thing to do. Look at it this way, nothing else has worked so might as well try detaching.
Things will get better, I promise you.
Hugs, Devastated
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Aqua,
There is a page in the one of the Al Anon books that just sticks in my mind and really spoke to me when I was in the thick of all the drama in my family. It sayssomething like our child's HP's light cannot get to our child if we are standing in the way, blocking the light.
For years I was right in there, trying to fix, trying to save, trying to rescue, trying to prevent and never was able to do it. All that I did just made me tired and crazier.
There are many things in your story I can identify with and I admire you for making the tough choice to get out of the way. We have no guarantees about our loved one when we do that, but at least we won't have that front row seat and our lives CAN be so much more mangeable. Took me a while to figure out there was no way I could manage my own life if I was so busy trying to manage my AD's.
Hugs and prayers for you to stay strong,
Hangin' In
There is a page in the one of the Al Anon books that just sticks in my mind and really spoke to me when I was in the thick of all the drama in my family. It sayssomething like our child's HP's light cannot get to our child if we are standing in the way, blocking the light.
For years I was right in there, trying to fix, trying to save, trying to rescue, trying to prevent and never was able to do it. All that I did just made me tired and crazier.
There are many things in your story I can identify with and I admire you for making the tough choice to get out of the way. We have no guarantees about our loved one when we do that, but at least we won't have that front row seat and our lives CAN be so much more mangeable. Took me a while to figure out there was no way I could manage my own life if I was so busy trying to manage my AD's.
Hugs and prayers for you to stay strong,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Kudos to you Aquablue. You are doing the right thing - i'm speaking from experience here.
I do want to warn you that your stopping enabling is not a one-time event. It is the gift you have to keep giving to your son. He will get creative in how he gets you to enable him.
For example, my son and his girlfriend are both homeless and are currently staying on somebody's couch. I'm sure he's very uncomfortable with that situation. So he will "drop by to say hello." No, i don't believe that. He's just hanging out at my house until his girlfriend gets off work because he has nowhere else to go. Oh, and he helps himself to my food when i'm not in the room. So i politely tell him I have homework to do and when he finishes going through his stuff (yet again) he really needs to get going because i have work to do and cannot visit with him. Funny how he always acts like it's no big deal. He's just using my house to crash in for a while without saying that is why he is here. I can't let his addict brain get away with that.
Anyway, hang in there. Keep coming back. Go to meetings. Addicted brains really are not that smart, but we feel so bad about outsmarting them because we keep confusing them with our children. Our children (adult or otherwise) have been hijacked, and we are just trying to do our part to get out of the way so their Higher Power can get them back.
I do want to warn you that your stopping enabling is not a one-time event. It is the gift you have to keep giving to your son. He will get creative in how he gets you to enable him.
For example, my son and his girlfriend are both homeless and are currently staying on somebody's couch. I'm sure he's very uncomfortable with that situation. So he will "drop by to say hello." No, i don't believe that. He's just hanging out at my house until his girlfriend gets off work because he has nowhere else to go. Oh, and he helps himself to my food when i'm not in the room. So i politely tell him I have homework to do and when he finishes going through his stuff (yet again) he really needs to get going because i have work to do and cannot visit with him. Funny how he always acts like it's no big deal. He's just using my house to crash in for a while without saying that is why he is here. I can't let his addict brain get away with that.
Anyway, hang in there. Keep coming back. Go to meetings. Addicted brains really are not that smart, but we feel so bad about outsmarting them because we keep confusing them with our children. Our children (adult or otherwise) have been hijacked, and we are just trying to do our part to get out of the way so their Higher Power can get them back.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hugs, from my heart to yours, Aqua. His lessons will unfold more clearly when he has to face them alone.
It's a good thing you are doing, but I know how hard it all is and just wanted to send extra hugs.
It's a good thing you are doing, but I know how hard it all is and just wanted to send extra hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Thanks again for your continued support, prayers, good wishes, hugs and sharing your personal stories- it all helps so much. I'm forever grateful to all of you!
Son was not arrested. Let me try the short version... This is from the police, as the gf's story was different. Gf stole sweatshirt from a store, son was in the store next door (big shopping complex) store had called police, and followed her out to confront her- she takes off in son's truck. Cops pull her over, talk to her about the shoplifting and end up finding heroin on her and also some in the truck. Son comes out of store, looks for her/truck, and thinks that she's stolen it! They have a very toxic relationship, not to mention 2 addicts= trouble. Anyway, he goes to another store to use phone to call someone for a ride, happens to be a store that my other son works at so a co-worker offers to give this son a ride. As they are driving out they see cop cars, lights and son's truck. So, my son says, let's go over there. Well, the cops jump them- guns pulled, etc.. (The poor innocent guy giving my son a ride, can you imagine?!?!) They search my son twice, give him quite the work out, call him a coward for letting gf take the fall, etc.. but he doesn't admit any heroin is his and they don't find any on him, so they let him go. They last see him walking away with his dog. SORRY, THAT WASN'T SHORT!!
Son called yesterday, he says he's ashamed and didn't want to call us. I just reminded him that God is really giving him LOTS of chances to turn his life around, as he currently has NO police record, legal problems, etc. and that his future could be whatever he wants it to be- if he chooses recovery. He said he has to tie up a few loose ends and then he'd call again to talk to us.
Not sure if we'll hear from him or not. Personally, we think he needs more time on the streets to truly get it. Who knows, maybe he still needs jail. Not for me to decide, nor contemplate.
I'm thankful that hubby and I are on the same page, we are both working to be healthy ourselves and together and not let this ruin us, nor our family. We recently met with a counselor from our local recovery center and he encouraged us to have our son call him and he'll do his best to take him under his wing, or find a mentor for him and help guide our son- when HE is ready. We are thankful to have some local, f2f support. I'm also meeting with a group of moms who all have kids struggling with addiction- which is great support.
I don't think I would have the direction to know that I needed to take care of myself had I not found this board. God Bless all of you. I pray for all of our addicted loved ones and for all of you on this forum.
Love,
AquaBlue
Son was not arrested. Let me try the short version... This is from the police, as the gf's story was different. Gf stole sweatshirt from a store, son was in the store next door (big shopping complex) store had called police, and followed her out to confront her- she takes off in son's truck. Cops pull her over, talk to her about the shoplifting and end up finding heroin on her and also some in the truck. Son comes out of store, looks for her/truck, and thinks that she's stolen it! They have a very toxic relationship, not to mention 2 addicts= trouble. Anyway, he goes to another store to use phone to call someone for a ride, happens to be a store that my other son works at so a co-worker offers to give this son a ride. As they are driving out they see cop cars, lights and son's truck. So, my son says, let's go over there. Well, the cops jump them- guns pulled, etc.. (The poor innocent guy giving my son a ride, can you imagine?!?!) They search my son twice, give him quite the work out, call him a coward for letting gf take the fall, etc.. but he doesn't admit any heroin is his and they don't find any on him, so they let him go. They last see him walking away with his dog. SORRY, THAT WASN'T SHORT!!
Son called yesterday, he says he's ashamed and didn't want to call us. I just reminded him that God is really giving him LOTS of chances to turn his life around, as he currently has NO police record, legal problems, etc. and that his future could be whatever he wants it to be- if he chooses recovery. He said he has to tie up a few loose ends and then he'd call again to talk to us.
Not sure if we'll hear from him or not. Personally, we think he needs more time on the streets to truly get it. Who knows, maybe he still needs jail. Not for me to decide, nor contemplate.
I'm thankful that hubby and I are on the same page, we are both working to be healthy ourselves and together and not let this ruin us, nor our family. We recently met with a counselor from our local recovery center and he encouraged us to have our son call him and he'll do his best to take him under his wing, or find a mentor for him and help guide our son- when HE is ready. We are thankful to have some local, f2f support. I'm also meeting with a group of moms who all have kids struggling with addiction- which is great support.
I don't think I would have the direction to know that I needed to take care of myself had I not found this board. God Bless all of you. I pray for all of our addicted loved ones and for all of you on this forum.
Love,
AquaBlue
Last edited by AquaBlue; 03-03-2009 at 10:17 PM. Reason: typos!
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