sweetgrass68

My 17 year old daughter has been in a rehab and will be home march 13th. She drank all the time took pills of just about any kind, coke,crack. We know what that does as far as actions, and she has put me in hell alot of days, and the poor house.i am willingto put that in the past , but i need to have house rules when she is back. friends were a big problem, and she was always out no matter what i said. I am not sure what kinds of rules i can set that wont make her feel like she is in jail. I see other parents at the rehab and everything is great untill they start to talk about the rules. The kids go nuts. I am not sure on how to bring them up, my daughter never liked rules ,well we all need them. can anyone tell me anything to help? She used to do anythnig to get what she wanted, and i dont see that change in her. She wrote home and said she knows she cant hang out with old friends but want to find sober friends,i get that but what i dont get is she is one to do what everyone else is doing. i guess i really in my heart cant trust yet.Need some input on the whole matter. I have learned so much here, and i do go to meetings for my self to better understand

racaple78

First of all, don't feel bad about implimenting rules for the house. It is your house, and she needs to abide by them. Whatever consequences you give her for breaking those house rules, make sure that you follow through with them; (grounding, three strikes your out of the house, etc...) it may seem harsh but consider that this is a life or death situation, and you cannot afford for her to risk losing her life.
As far as making new "sober" friends; do you have any friends' daughters who you feel is a good example or someone that she can become friends with that you know would be a good influence on her? Also, meeting people at church is another great place for her to find young friends who would be good influences; the church I attend has several youth groups and youth camps, they go and have fun together (clean, good fun), go on trips or camps, meet together for dinner and movies, etc etc. This may be a good way for her to meet new (good) people.

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Rules rules rules! Try using boundaries instead, puts the onus on the other. Someone may correct me and the difference can seem subtle, but it's more along the lines of "If you do x, I will do y" instead of "You can't". You aren't telling them what they can or can't do, you are telling them that they have a choice, and that there are consequences for the choices they make. Much healthier for you.

cece1960

I agree with sailorjohn.
I started re-phrasing some time ago with my son, and made it about me, not him.
I will not allow drugs in my house
I will not allow disrespect
I deserve a peaceful home etc. etc.

He has choices...stay in my home or not.
Its hard to get angry at choices

winnie12

sailor john is exactly right.
I would suggest seeing if you can set up a family therapy meeting for a week or so before she comes home so that you can be clear about the home boundaries. Put them in writing too - that way she cant deny them or manipulate them.

123bubblegum123

hey there sweetgrass,

i'm a 19 year old recovering addict and i can tell you that the hypothetical imperatives (if then) are actually de-motivating (vs. the categorical imperatives, such as plain old don't get high)

I'm going to strongly recommend, from a child's perspective, that you immediately lay down formal boundaries with your daughter, but highlight incentives. Such as:

"With everyday you spend sober, my trust in you is gradually increasing, and as you meet more of the rules, you'll see me getting more lenient."

It's far more effective to use the reward system than to use the punishment system UNLESS you've already tried this and she just took advantage. I lived in absolute fear of my mother, and this actually led me to use alone - rather than go out and "break my mother's rules"

I definitely would advise you not suffocate your daughter with these rules the second she gets home. She is not 18, she is not an adult, and her life is completely unmanagable. If rehab was her decision, I applaud her choice. However, if she was placed there against her will, you will have to accept the frightening fact that she may not realize the dangerous decision making patterns she has engaged in thus far. If she chooses to continue using, you'll have to allow her to hit her bottom.

With all that scary stuff said, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Recognize she's still a child, and she'll always be a drug addict: charming, manipulative, and resourceful. Don't get caught up in her persuasive trap - realize it's self destructive for everyone involved.

I'd lay down categorical imperatives early on: don't use, don't hang with people who use. Don't bother having an "if, then" type deal.

Hope that helped,
Rachel

kj3880

I think that your daughter can make a lot of clean friends at NA/AA. If it were my child, that would be her social life for the first few months at least. Meetings and functions at NA There are some great young people's meetings in my area.

winnie12

I understand where you are coming from but i think a lot of us on here have already gotten to the point that we know the addict child isnt going to just do what we say so we have to have boundaries. If I could have just said dont do drugs my son wouldnt have ended up in rehab - he ended up there because it was a court ordered consequence for using that he was very aware of. At this point i'm not trying to motivate him because that's not my job - I'm just trying to keep sanity in my home for myself and my daughter. I tried to get him to quit and was uncessful so now i've turned it over and just set boundaries on what the other people in this home can tolerate. For example if he brings drugs in the home i will call the law because i wont risk loosing my 11 yo daughter because there's a drug bust here. Its not about him anymore - he has to do this on his own and motivate himself.

I know this may sound cold but addiction is cold and after almost two years of trying to control him i realize he isnt going to listen to me.

greeteachday

Lots of good thoughts...I really relate to the suggestion about not suffocating her with rules. Boundaries are about you and what is acceptable for you in your life, not about controlling what she does (because although she is technically still a minor, we know you can not control whether she does use or not) I found it best to think about what was most important to me and keep it to a few really important things.

One thing that seemed helpful to me and my daughter both, (after trying all kinds of things including the big list and "contract"...couldn't even get to the point of having it signed...she had already violated one of the rules and I didn't know what to do) was to talk about things in a reasonable way and not in the middle of some drama. (such as a curfew...it isn't a punishment; it is out of respect for me, my need to get a good nights rest and not be wondering where you are or hearing you come in.) But my daughter was listening to me and thinking pretty rationally at the time, so we could have those conversations. I'm sure it isn't that easy when there's just plain defiance.

I think something that really impacted her was me working on my recovery. When she saw the focus shift from obsessing about her to focusing on me, behaviors changed. I think the healthier I became, the more she realized I was no longer her enabler, no longer the easy one to manipulate.

Winnie's suggestion about having the discussion with her and her counselor before she is discharged is well worth exploring. I found having that buffer as we addressed some less comfortable issues was really good.

It's a really nerve wracking time when your child comes home from rehab...Keep going to Naranon or Alanon and posting here...it really does work when you work it. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

jets467

Sweetgrass - I sent you a private message with links - My niece was 19 and died from exactly the same thing your daughter is doing , I sent you links to her facebook and My space pages were your daughter can see pictures (I sent it privately because I am pretty sure here parents in there quest to look for answers to her untimely death will be scoring the internet and would be extremely upset if I posted her name and drugs next to it) they dont want anyone to know she died of a drug overdose so I have to respect that. Sweetgrass- the stuff she is doing will kill her it is no joke as far as you helping her get off I don't have an answer because being a recovering drug attack myself I feel you can only stop when your are ready and no body can make you stop so you are in a very difficult position, but I would take 123bubblegums advise since she is about the same age as your daughter and would know better what works and what dosent. I wish you luck and pray for your daughter