silkspin

Hi everyone, was doing some reading on the stickies, especially the excerpts from "Under the Influence". Some really insightful points on the biological aspects of how alcohol works in A's and gave me some big 'aha' moments of realizing the disease process and the similarity of it being like an allergy, i.e. when AH drinks it affects him differently, and the psychological stuff is piled on top that either helped him start or helps him continue. I've also read similar things from other resources.

The question I have is, how come the psychological stuff seems to take centre-stage with this particular disease. If, for example, my H was diagnosed with a cancer or other 'traditional' illness, it would likely be handled differently. Although he could also be in denial, likely all the treatment he'd have to follow would wake him up to it and force him to participate in addressing it. Is it just that the detriments of alcohol make a person still feel normal enough that they just don't sense the problem, even if it's pointed out? To me it just seems like such a hidden thing, overshadowed by the behaviours that accompany it. And how does choice really play into it? Maybe a heart disease patient understands their diet is poor but doesn't want to change it in the face of being diagnosed, but it's not to say they feel 'compelled' to eat the pizza instead of the salad. Yet, if my H feels intense craving and feels compelled to drink, why is it that it still feels like it's such a choice for him?

I guess I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around how I'm feeling towards the disease today. And if he understands how much his drinking is caused by biological circumstance, wouldn't that go a long way in addressing his shame and guilt feelings over not being able to stop? Is our focus in the wrong place, on the behaviours rather than the biology? And I'm not in any way saying that their behaviour is excusable because they're sick - I'm simply trying to understand this whole thing better. I don't know if I'm even making much sense.....

Barbara52

To put it bluntly, why waste time trying to get in his head since it won't help you in the slightest to get in there?

If you could somehow gain perfect understanding of alcoholism, its causes, the whys of your AH's alcoholism, a perfect understanding of everything, you still would not have the power to do a thing about HIS problems. You cannot make him understand. You cannot make him admit to something. You cannot make him see the light and seek sobriety. You aren't that powerful.

Why do you think you have to seek such a deep understanding of a problem that is not yours to do something about? How about trying to seek that sort of deep understanding of your own issues (whatever they may be) that lead you to focus on thing you have no control over? How about seeking a deep understanding about yourself that can lead you to improving your life?

silkspin

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here ruminating about what he does, why he does it - I go to Al Anon and have been learning to care for myself, leave him to his own issues and recovery etc. But I am learning about the disease, how it has affected my life in relation to him, our family. I'm not trying to get into HIS head per se, just wondering why this disease makes it so hard for a person to see it for themselves. And would I not get educated about any disease a family member was suffering from, without necessarily interfering in their recovery, but supporting them? I'm not using this information to force anything on him because I realize there is nothing I can do to make him see or do anything. These are simply questions that are coming up as I learn more about how my relationship has been affected and where I go from here. I feel that's part of gaining a deeper understanding that will lead to improving my life because he will be part of it in some way, as we do have a daughter.

Barbara52

Personally I don't think I can understand alcoholism or any other addicition, except on a surface level, because the things I wanted (and you seem to want) to understand are irrational. Irrational because of the addicition. It would be like trying to understand why someone who hears voices, hears those voices. I can't understand because its not rational. Trying to apply rational thought to irrational behavior just doesn't work.

silkspin

Thanks anvilhead, I do get that addiction can erase all other stuff out, and Barbara, you are right, trying to rationalize the irrational. Just when I read that stuff yesterday, it gave me some fresh insight into the disease and helped me be more compassionate to what he's going through. He's more like a university student binge drinker and is not abusive, controlling, jerky or anything like that, so I guess it just makes me doubt what I want to do with my own life as it relates to him. Maybe just looking for a clear cut solution where there isn't any.

Barbara52

If only we could get clear anwswers to our questions! {sigh} Life don't work that way.

Freedom1990

I can't recall where there wasn't a clear cut solution for my life in regards to an active alcoholic in my life. However, my codependent mind always took over and 'clouded' that solution.

silkspin

And I am codependent, no doubt about that and I struggle with that in my recovery. He is in recovery too, over 2 months sober, going to AA. If he were still active then my choice would be a lot clearer but he says he's committed to our family and becoming healthy and admitted that it's hard. We're still in separate rooms and I'm not making any abrupt moves or decisions to change that yet, and I know that I don't have to make a decision until I'm ready (and with HP guidance), but sometimes it's difficult to let go.

laurie6781

Oh I so agree, and I was in recovery from addiction for several years at the time. So was he, but he chose a new addiction Gambling and I didn't get 'it'. Go figure.

Yes, it is 'hearing voices' to some of us, sure was for me. The 'chemical' be it alcohol, drugs or both would tell me they could fix it. If I was in a good mood, it would tell me it could make me happier, if I was in a funk it would tell me it would make me feel better, etc etc Alcohol was my MASTER. Alcohol and drugs were my KING.

Yes, it is DENIAL, again fueled by the chemical that is destroying us.

You will drive yourself insane trying to figure out what 'drives' and addict.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ItsmeAlice

I struggle too with the insatiable need to understand my ABF. It's part of my codie behavior. I have to understand what I'm up against to make a decision on what's best for me when in reality, all I have to do is react they way I FEEL should. It's called instinct and most people act on it just fine. Co-dependents have to react not by their instinct but by how another person needs or wants them to react.

For example, if my drunken ABF was stumbling down the street with the bad attitude he sometimes comes home to me with, a stranger walking in the other direction would move to the other side of the street and avoid him entirely. They may even call the cops if they felt threatened by him.

I, as a co-dependent, and someone who wants to believe I do it out of love, would try to get him home safely, make him happy so he wasn't so angry and hateful, and would worry myself sick that when he sobers up he's going to be made at me for ruining his evening.

If I followed my insticts, I would be walking to the other side of the street and letting him learn and understand something about himself instead me doing it.

I read a phrase called "paralysis by analysis", and I wrote it down for myself. Whenever I find myself trying to analyze and understand something that is outside of my own needs, I shut it down and move on. Since then I have actually had more Aha moments about my ABF's disease and how he may see my co-dependent behaviors. (see my recent thread on a step forward for me.)

When you start working on yourself, the things you may actually need to understand about your AH will be revealed to you.

Peace.

Alice

silkspin

Alice, I heard 'paralysis through analysis' many years ago and do think it applies to me too! Also, the quote above is very true. This has already started to happen since I've been to Al anon, and it has brought me to the situation that I'm in now, which is us living in separate rooms and him being currently in recovery. I know that if I let go and keep doing what I'm doing, then the answers will slowly reveal, maybe it's just impatience on my end because I feel in limbo with my relationship and if I want to stay or go. I try not to think of what could happen because it could be anything, he could be sober forever, he could start drinking tomorrow. It would be crazymaking to try and predict it, so I try to live for today. So perhaps this is the crux of it, the fear that brings. For example, he's been making an effort, and I have been feeling better about myself and feeling better about him and our relationship. So I'm trying to go with that, if it feels good for me, then to open myself up and allow that to go where it goes, keeping faith that my HP will continue to guide me. But the overriding fear is coming with it, that I will get my heart crushed and makes me want to hold back.